“Trust is greater than love, and to trust another human being is rare. Love can exist without trust, but trust cannot exist without love”

I woke up with a throbbing head and feeling so sick. I’ve been like this for almost a month already and I don’t know if I have to be alarmed or what. A lot of “what if’s” are playing inside my head and they are driving me nuts!

Getting out of bed and walking is really a challenge for I feel like I’m going to fall any minute, but I have to start my day already for I’ve got a family to feed breakfast.

It’s a Saturday which means, Athena is free from school and she doesn’t have to wake up early as well. Actually, it’s a bit late for breakfast already, but this is the only time where we get to eat in one table as a family. Of course, G-dragon won’t be here the whole day once again.

“OH! It’s already 8th” I told myself upon seeing the calendar “I’m so late for my period now” I froze the moment I said that and next thing I know it, I’m running to the bathroom already.

I know that I shouldn’t expect that much, but there’s a part in me saying “Well, maybe you are pregnant”.  I don’t know, but after my surgery months ago, I’ve already prepared myself for the worst the moment my doctor told me that I’ll be having a hard time to conceive again. My fallopian tubes were badly damaged by my recent pregnancy and chances are already slim. G-dragon and I both know this and we’re just taking chances now, but are not expecting anything.

“Alright” I grabbed the last pregnancy kit in the cabinet and stared at it for a while.

My hands were shaking while opening the kit and all I can do is pray that I’ll get a good result. Honestly, I want to have another baby and it’s not only me who is wanting it badly, my husband is also dying to have another Athena.

I can hear the clock ticking and it’s freaking me more. I feel like a dog who doesn’t know where to poop for all I do is go round and round the bathroom. A few minutes feels like hours and it’s getting the best out of me.

The moment my alarm rang, I grabbed the test right away just to be disappointed “Negative” I said and sighed.

I’ve been testing myself for months already and all I get is a freaking blue line. G-dragon and I are so active and we’ve almost done all the positions possible just to get pregnant, but I guess even if we do whatever is in the Kama Sutra book, we will not have another baby again. Should I just let go of this?

“I ” I leaned against the counter and sighed heavily “I will never be pregnant again” I said and threw the test in the bin.

What a way to start my day. Why did I even test myself when I know so well that it’s not going to give me a good result? I can’t believe that I just ruined my supposed to be “wonderful” day.

And because of disappointment, I wasn’t able to go with the breakfast menu that I have in mind. I grabbed almost half dozen of eggs and just make something out of it.

“Baby! YAH ISHI KWON!”

I jerked up and saw my husband running towards the stove “Oh gosh!” I said the moment I saw something burning.

This is the reason why I don’t want to cook whenever I’m in deep thoughts or troubled. I can’t believe that I nearly burned our whole house down.

“What is up with you?” he looked at me intently and I just shrug.

He checked the stove once again and once he’s sure that everything is under control already, he sat on the chair opposite mine and looked at me as if he’s reading my mind.

“I know something is bothering you…c’mon…spit it out now before you explode” he reached for my hands and squeezed it tightly.

“Nothing…this is nothing Oppa” I looked straight into his eyes and saw how lost and worried he is.

I keep telling myself that there’s no need for me to make a big deal out of this because we already know that conceiving is gonna be hard and we shouldn’t expect anything at all, but it just hurts for every time I look at my husband, I know that a part of him is still missing for he wants another child.

“What is it?” G-dragon asked once again and I started tearing up.

“Do you really want to have another baby Oppa?” I asked and he looked at me, confused.

“You’re being random again baby” he said and I shook my head.

“Just answer it” I said and he sighed heavily.

“I badly want to…but….” he stopped and looked down.

“But what?” I asked and he shook his head.

“Nothing” he said and I sighed.

“But it’s already impossible? Is that what you’re about to say?” I asked and he just stared at me.

“Not that it’s impossible…but…I really don’t want to push it anymore for I know that it’s gonna be hard for us…it really needs a lot of work” he said and I smirked.

“So…you’re giving up?” I asked.

“I’m not…but…there’s a part of me that has already accepted our fate…maybe…we are destined to only have one child baby…and that’s fine with me…I mean…we love Athena so much…we just have to be thankful that she was given to us” he said and my heart suddenly become so painful. I feel like I have an open wound that is bleeding badly.

Maybe he’s right. Maybe we really don’t have to push ourselves anymore for we are just going to be disappointed in the end. But, I’m still holding on to this thin thread of hope that we’ll be having another baby again. I’m contented with Athena and I know that before we got married, I always tell him that I only want one child but after giving birth, I just want to do it all over again for the feeling of bringing another beautiful human being to the world is just so wonderful.

“Baby…I know that it is hard to accept…but…we just have to live by it…after all…we’re happy being a family of three and this is better as well for we can really focus on Athena and give her whatever she wants and needs” he is trying to get me out of misery, but I think I’m stuck.

“But you want to have more children….I feel so bad for you because you have to deal with a wife that is infertile…when I should be giving you as many kids as you want” I told him and he hissed.

“Please Ishi…I don’t mind if you’re infertile or what…I don’t even care at all…what’s important is I have you and Athena…that’s it…I’m contented with the two of you in my life….so…get your head out of this non-sense” he went to me and crouched down to meet eye level.

He caressed my cheek with a smile on his face “There is still a lot of time for us baby….we can keep on trying if you want…but if you’re already sick of it…then let’s just leave that thought behind and move on”

What more can I do than listen to him and be positive again. This just . Seriously. I’ve never imagined myself like this. I actually thought that I’m gonna be a healthy wife who can get pregnant anytime. I’ve never seen this coming and as much as I don’t want to accept it, I have to coz this is reality.

And because I’m still feeling sick, I just decided to rest and didn’t join my husband and daughter for breakfast. My mind is working at its best but I don’t even know what’s going on. All I know is that, I’m frustrated and very disappointed.

“Omma” Athena walked in the room with a glass of juice in her hand.

“Aigoo” I sat up and got the glass from her.

“Breakfast in bed” G-dragon came next, holding a tray of delicious food.

“Wow! You cooked all of this?” I asked and he gave me a wink.

“No Omma…we bought that” our daughter can never lie and my husband is completely busted.

“I knew it!” I said and took a bite of the croissant.

“Delicious” I looked at Athena and G-dragon and felt so happy.

I think I really should just leave my baby dilemma behind and focus on what’s in front of me. Actually, I really should be thankful for God has given me a beautiful child and asking or demanding for another one is gonna be too much already.

“Are you sick again Omma?” Athena asked and I shook my head.

“I’m not beautiful” I answered and caressed her cheek.

“But why didn’t you join us for breakfast?” she asked and G-dragon pulled her to his lap.

“Because…Omma is being attacked by her lazy nerves once again” he said, making our daughter giggle.

“Aigoo Ishi Kwon….didn’t you know that being lazy is bad? My teacher always tells us that” she said in her most intelligent tone.

“Yaaa….are you lazy in school Munchkin?” G-dragon asked and Athena’s head nearly fell off for she keeps on shaking it.

“I’m not Appa! I always do whatever my teacher tells me…there was even a time wherein I’m the only one who got an assignment” she said and I ruffled her hair.

I was staring at my husband the whole time while our daughter keeps on telling him about how great she is in school and I can really see contentment in him. The smile on his face is really true and is not forced at all. The way he laughs is hearty. Maybe he has already let go of the hope that we’ll have another child again for he’s contented of what he has.

The whole morning, I keep on thinking things through and little by little, I’m accepting reality already. But a part of me is not letting go fully. There’s still a lot of ways to get pregnant, right?

“Hey” G-dragon wrapped his arms around me from the back, making me smile.

I turned to face him and found myself just staring at him “Are you thinking of it once again?” he asked, snapping me back to my senses.

“No…I’m not” I answered and he shook his head then sighed.

“You know what? I think…you really need to go out…breathe and enjoy” he said and I smirked.

“I don’t need that Oppa…I’m good here…Athena and I will have the time of our lives watching Disney movies later” I told him and he chuckled.

“No…I think…you really have to go out and have some fun with Eun hee and Dong min” he is going to push this till the en