“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional”

I feel like, happiness for me these days just come and go. It never stays and whenever it embraces me, it’s not for long. There are times wherein I feel like I’ve ruined the perfect relationship that my wife and I had. I know that what I did to her is really unforgivable for giving up our baby is so far from her mind and me, deciding for us is really a wrong move. But then again, you can’t blame me. That pregnancy will surely kill her and I will not let her die. I love our baby and if only I can save him/her I will, but I can’t and losing my wife will truly be the end of me. Choosing between them is hard and is really mind wrecking.

“Jiyong…you did what you have to do….there’s no reason for you to be guilty” Youngbae comforted.

My wife isn’t talking to me at all. She can’t look at me in the eyes as well. I feel like a ghost roaming around her room for she’s not even giving a damn on me. I can understand her actions, but I just can’t take what’s happening to us.

When she asked for some space, my world crushed and crumbled right in front of my very eyes. During that time, I thought that it’s already the end for us. I was preparing myself for that “Oppa…there’s no need for us to stay together anymore…let’s just get a divorce” for it really feels like she’s ready to let go of me already. But I’m just overthinking. She told me that she wants to live separately for the meantime and even though I’m totally against it, I just let her be for I know that she needs time to heal and seeing me would just worsen her heavy feelings.

“I don’t know why you agreed with her…seriously Jiyong…you should’ve said no” Eun hee said and the members nod their heads in agreement.

“I totally agree with Eun hee Jiyong …there’s no need for her to move out…yes…things are hard for her and she’s still angry at you…but…living separately will just worsen things up…not to mention…it’s going to the hell out of Athena” TOP hyung said and I suddenly remembered my daughter.

In all fairness to her, she took things lightly. Or that’s how I see it. I know that if there’s one person who will suffer the most here, it’s Athena and I’m feeling so bad for my child because in her young age, she’s already experiencing the hardships of life. Yes, she’s got everything already, but her parents’ complicated life is really dragging her down to hell.

After weeks of being in the hospital, Ishi was finally released and my hell started. She and Athena moved out of our house a day after she got out of the hospital. The good thing about this move is, I know where they are and Ishi is not prohibiting me to visit them.

Our arrangement is really complicated and hard. Not to mention, living alone in our big house is really a drag to me. I wake and sleep missing my wife and daughter. Life for me still goes on and everything is normal it’s just that, in the morning, I have to fetch my daughter in Gangnam so that we can spend the whole day together. I must say, it is really hard for there are times wherein we just don’t want to part anymore.

“Appa…don’t you miss Omma?” she asked while we were on our way to the YG building.

“Munchkin….if you only know how much I miss Omma…you’ll go crazy” I answered and she sighed heavily.

Athena is not the kind of kid who just goes with the flow. She’s only five, but she’s so mature for her age.

“Why do you have to live separately Appa?” she asked again and I glanced at my daughter who looks so innocent.

Ishi and I have explained everything to her already and I really think that we were able explain the matter well in a way that her young mind can understand.

“Munchkin…as Appa and Omma said before…we need some space…and Omma has to recuperate for a while” I answered.

“But she can do that at home Appa!” she said, a tone higher than usual.

“I know…but…she wants to breathe some fresh air” I looked at her again and she was shaking her head.

Our talk stopped there for when we arrived at the YG building, my members had her occupied. I’m really thankful to them for they are the ones entertaining Athena while I’m busy recording for my new solo album. I don’t know how I do it, but I’m still able to record even if my mind is just so out of it. All I can wish is for this album to be good even though I haven’t put that much effort and emotions to it at all.

“Jiyong” Youngbae called while I was on break.

I looked at him and waited for him to continue “Athena keeps on asking us if you and Ishi are fighting…what’s with it? I mean…why is she thinking that way?” he asked and I sighed heavily.

As expected, Athena Hera Kwon will not give that matter up and I’m so sure that she won’t stop till she knows the truth “I don’t know” I answered with my disheveled mind.

“Aigoo…Jiyong…I really think you and Ishi should stop this foolishness already…I mean…look at what this separation is bringing to your daughter! We all know that even if she acts normal…like nothing is bothering her….inside that kid’s head…something is going on and I’m telling you…once it took a toll on her…she’ll explode and when that happens….you guys are going to have a much bigger problem” he really scared the hell out of me for that thought never came into mind at all.

“Youngbae…do you really think this separation is stupid?” I asked and he sighed.

“Yes…it is so stupid…actually…up until now I still can’t understand why you agreed on her in this....Jiyong…you know your wife…she have this tendency of being so stupid and I’m sorry to say…this is one of them…I cannot understand why she’s still butthurt with what you did…fine! You’re on the wrong side in one way or another for you didn’t tell her about the surgery…but she should know that you just did it to save her…that if you didn’t decide for the two of you…she’d still be screaming in pain and bleeding up until now…or worst…we’re already mourning coz of her death” he said in rage and it really shocked me.

This is the first time that Youngbae exploded like this. Before, he will just give me some advices and will calmly voice out his opinion. But now, it’s all different for he’s raging in anger. I know what he’s pointing out and he’s really making sense. Thing is, Ishi and I are already separated as of the moment and I can’t do anything about it anymore. Honestly, I really don’t want to push what I want for I know that my efforts will just go down the drain coz she wouldn’t even listen to me at all.

Weeks passed by and up until now, Ishi and I are still living separately. I’m occupying myself with work just get some thoughts out of my head, while my wife is busy taking care of our daughter. Living so far from each other is truly difficult and not talking at all doubles it up. I think, the only communication we have is through text messages. There are times wherein I want to call her but didn’t even dare for I know that she won’t even entertain me. I only get updates about her through Eon hyung and Athena, and I’m telling you, it’s really saddening.

“uhmmm…” the moment I heard this, I already know in a snap that my caller is Ishi. I don’t have to double check it or anything. Of course, how will I not know it? I’m with this woman for ages already.

Her voice is really sweet, but I can feel the awkwardness and shyness in it. I don’t know, but I suddenly felt so formal as well. This is the first time in almost a month that we talked and even if I have a feeling that this conversation will only take a few minutes, I’m happy coz at least, I was able to hear my wife’s voice again.

“uhmm….I called because of Athena….hmmm…she wants to see you today….if possible”

I’ve been so busy these days to the point that I cannot even visit Athena. My little girl is surely firing right now, causing her mother to go crazy.

How can I say no to my daughter, right? She wanted to see me then I’ll be there in a flash. How I wish I can also see my wife. I don’t know why, but every time I pick Athena up from their apartment, Ishi wouldn’t go out of herroom to greet me or even see us off. It’s really a drag for it’s making me feel like she hates me to the core.

It’s now or never. If I’m not going to voice out what I feel to her, nothing will happen to us. We’ll just find ourselves so distant to each other already “Can I see you too?” I gathered all the confidence and strength in my body just to ask this.

There’s a part of me saying that she will say “Oppa…I’m not ready yet” but when I heard her say “Alright Oppa…see you later”, my heart jumped in joy and it made me want to go to their apartment right away.

And with that, I prepared for our big reunion already. I’m still dead beat from recording, but I brushed it off for my family is much more important. Not to mention, I’ll be seeing my wife already.

I really think that this is my lucky day after all the unlucky things that happened to me these past few weeks. I also have a feeling that I’d be bringing my wife and daughter home tonight as well.

“OH!” I said when I pass through a new boutique.

I know that Ishi doesn’t like gifts at all, but I can’t help myself from buying the necklace on display for I know that she’ll really love it. The heart shaped, diamond studded pendant will surely sweep her off her feet. Of course, I didn’t forget to buy a gift for my daughter. I saw this beautiful beanie in a nearby boutique and bought all the colors available for Athena is still addicted to beanies even if her boyish style has already been changed by my wife.

When I got to their apartment, I have to wait for someone to open the door because I don’t have a key. Well, as much as I want to have a duplicate, I didn’t dare ask Ishi for it. I don’t know, but I really want her to have some space.

“APPA!” Athena called excitedly and hugged me tightly.

“Aigoo…how are you?” I lifted her up and carried her inside.

“I’m good!” she hugged me tightly by the neck, making me smile.

“OH! You’re already here” Omma said and I smiled at her.

“Where’s Ishi?” I asked right away.

I was actually expecting her to be here when I arrive, but I cannot even see a shadow of her.

“Omma is still in her room Appa…she’s been there for HOURS now…I checked on her awhile ago and she’s just staring at her clothes” Athena answered and I can’t help but laugh.

It looks like my wife is preparing so well for our reunion today coz her, staring at all her clothes means that she can’t decide what to wear. Actually, she doesn’t have to dress up at all for in my eyes she’s still stunning even with torn and dirty clothes on.

“I’ll just call her Appa” I placed Athena down and she ran to her mother’s room right away.

“OMMA! OMMA! APPA IS HERE!” this shocked me coz my daughter is not this loud before.

“Aigoo…don’t rush her…come here” I told her and she ran to me excitedly.

“Appa…if we will not rush Omma…she’d be there till later!” she said with her cute pitchy voice, making me laugh.

I don’t know, but it seems like Ishi has changed her mind already for I’ve been in their apartment for almost thirty minutes now and she’s not yet coming out of her room.

“What’s taking her so long?” I asked Omma who is picking up Athena’s toys on the floor.

“Is she even going out?” she asked and I just shrugged.

“I asked her if I can see her and she said yes to me…I wonder if she changed her mind already” I said and sighed.

I swear. If Ishi changed her mind, I’ll go ballistic. I prepared so much for this mini reunion and I don’t want my efforts to go all th