“This was what love meant after all: sacrifice and selflessness. It did not mean hearts and flowers and a happy ending, but the knowledge that another’s well-being is more important than one’s own”

I don’t know why and how I became like this. Years ago, I am the girl who has big dreams and is working so hard to reach it. I am struggling, but even if poverty is eating my whole being up, I’m standing tall and strong. I’ve been bullied for so many years, but I keep on fighting. As a matter of fact, I never back down and didn’t shrink in shame even if the bullies are hitting me blow by blow. I was a fighter back then. I fight for everything. Life was so hard during those times, but it didn’t bring me into intense misery.

I guess the Ishi Shin that I’ve known before has already died. She’s been eaten by her new world and is being drag to hell because of it. She’s afraid of falling but she always fall, face first to the ground. She’s happy, but deep inside her, she’s crying. She’s not struggling anymore, but she can’t even find peace at all. She has a family and they are the only people that she can trust.

Contentment and fulfillment. Yeah. I’ve got them. Thing is, there are times wherein I feel like no matter how hard I try to maintain what I have, there are people or instances that will shake me. I’m not regretting that I entered this crazy world of entertainment, but I hate how it works.

“Oppa” I called the moment I opened my eyes.

White ceiling. White walls. Totally different smell. A cold and empty room. I’m in the hospital once again. I guess, this is already my second home for these past few months, I’m always rushed here and I hate being a regular.

“Oh! Hey” he looked at me with a smile on his face and bent down to kiss my forehead.

What’s going on now? His eyes are bloodshot. I can pretty much tell that he’s messed up. Well, it’s already given for I made him worry again. This is really not the way I want us to be. I don’t want him to take care of me always coz I should be the one doing that for him.

“Oppa…what’s the matter?” I forced myself to sit up and he snapped out from his thoughts then helped me.

“Aigoo” he put a pillow on my back and sat beside me.

“Baby….you’re under stress and fatigue….the doctor also told me that you’re on the edge of Anorexia again” he answered and sighed.

Why do I feel like I’m going to rehab again? I swear. If that’s the case, I’d rather have medications at home than go to an institution and be away from my family for months to a year. I can’t even believe that I’m back to being anorexic again. Yes, I’ve been eating less these past few months and I’ve lost a lot of weight, but I’ve been to so much these days that my mind is taking over my body already.

“So…that means….” I looked at him with fear and worry then he shook his head, and caressed my face.

“No…you’re not going to rehab or anything…we just have to monitor your eating habits and basically push you to eat a lot…I really have to make a pig out of you baby...because your weight is on an alarming stage…did you know that you weigh like a teenager? And we’re not talking about eighteen year olds here…we’re talking about thirteen to fourteen years old…crazy huh? But it’s all true” he said and I gasped in shock.

I weigh like a teenager? OK. I’m still gonna be happy with it if he said that I look like one. I don’t know, but it seems like my body is really reacting badly with all the crazy things that’s been happening in my life right now. I must admit, I forgot to take care of myself already for my mind is too clouded. I guess I really need to press the reset button and bring myself back in shape once again.

“I’m sorry for worrying you….AGAIN” I told him and he smirked.

There’s something in his eyes that I can’t point out. He’s here with me, he talks and answers whatever question I ask, but his mind is just so out of its element. I know my husband and it will not take me a minute or two to know that something is bothering him.

“Oppa” I looked into his eyes and felt the intensity of his stare “Is there something bothering you?” I asked and he snapped back to his senses then shook his head.

“C’mon Kwon Jiyong…you can’t lie to your wife…I may be totally insane at times…but you can’t fool me…I know that something is going on in that big brain of yours” I told him and he sighed.

“Baby” he faced me fully and sighed “What will you say if I tell you that I want to retire from the entertainment industry already?” he asked and looked at me intently.

I can’t understand and grasp what he’s saying, but I do have a feeling that he just made another decision without asking my opinion.

“Huh? What are you talking about? Don’t tell me you’ve quit Big Bang” I asked and he sighed heavily.

“No…I haven’t….yet” he said “YET” which means, he has plans of quitting the band.

“Can you please explain it to me in a way that my bird brain can understand? Coz Oppa…you hanging me is just driving me nuts” as I’m saying this, his eyes are starting to water and I can feel the heaviness in his heart just by staring at him.

“I’m thinking of retiring baby” he suddenly blurted out and it didn’t process in my mind at first.

“What? Why?” I asked in confusion.

I have a feeling that this has something to do with me again and if my intuition is true, I’ll definitely go wild for I know how important his work is to him. Not to mention, he love what he’s doing. I can’t be the reason why he stopped living his dream.

“This is not about you or anything…this is really my choice…I think…you’ve already forgotten that I told you about this years ago” he said a