“That was the thing. You never got used to it, the idea of someone being gone. Just when you think it’s reconciled, accepted, someone points it out to you, and it just hits you all over again”

Living alone is like living under a rock. I don’t know, but after almost a month of separation, I still feel lost and totally disheveled. My heart and mind are in an all-out battle for one is telling me to go back home and try to figure things out there in the arms of my husband and the other is telling me that space is really what I need. Having a broken heart while trying to pick up the pieces is just so hard. The wrecked up me just wants to burst out.

Mornings here in our apartment has always been lame since day one. Athena and I would wake up with the smell of pancakes and franks coming from the kitchen. Eon, who decided to be my nurse/helper goes here early in the morning to cook breakfast then spends the whole day with me and my daughter till the wee hours of the night. I can’t thank him enough. I think, out of all people, my lovely manager is the one who really understands me the best although he’s not that good with this temporary separation.

“OH!” I said upon seeing Omma in the kitchen.

“Good Morning Ishi-ah!” she turned to look at me then greeted with a wide smile on her face while holding a spatula.

“Good Morning Omma” I said and stood beside her while looking at what she’s cooking.

“I called Eon last night and told him that I’ll be the one staying here for the whole day…we met awhile ago coz he gave me your door keys” she said and I hugged her.

“Aigoo…you really missed Omma…huh?” she patted my head and I giggled.

My mother in-law never judged me in whatever stupid decision I made. She does say her opinion on the matter, but she’s letting me and G-dragon decide for ourselves. Actually, the whole Kwon family is like that, they are so supportive and positive as well. They are also helping me move on from our baby’s loss.

“How are you feeling now?” she asked and I just gave out a heavy sigh.

I’ve been asked this question for gazillion times already and up until now, all I answer them is a heavy sigh. What can I do? I don’t want to act like I’m alright because I’m really not. It’s much better to tell the people around you that you’re not in a good shape for them to understand if ever you have mood swings or sudden emotional breakdowns.

“Halmeoni!” Athena shrieked and ran towards us in a flash.

She crashed her body on her grandmother’s with a smile that reaches from ear to ear. My little girl has adjusted a bit with our new environment and she’s not crying that much at night anymore. Thing is, whenever G-dragon forgets to call her, she goes ballistic. I’ve noticed that she became moody. I can’t blame her though.

“Aigoo…are you getting fat? Look at those cheeks” Omma pinched her granddaughter’s cheeks, making her giggle.

“Omma is always making me eat Halmeoni…we order pizza and spaghetti downstairs…it’s good” Athena said and my mother in-law looked at me then smiled.

Of course, even though I’m shattered and broken into pieces, I haven’t forgotten my mother duties at all. I’m taking care of my daughter so well and I’m spending a lot of time with her too. As a matter of fact, we’ve become closer now and we’re much open to each other as well.

“Halmeoni…why is Appa not with you?” Athena asked while eating Omma’s delicious cooking.

“mmm…” my mother in-law looked at me then to Athena “Your Appa is still sleeping…he worked till the morning” she answered and my daughter sighed in disappointment.

“Is he coming here later?” she is still hopeful and I can see in her eyes that she’s longing so badly for her father already.

It’s been three days since G-dragon picked her up for a day out. My husband is so busy with his solo album recording and he can’t squeeze visiting Athena in his schedule anymore for he’s got a lot of commitments as well. But he talks to our daughter everyday through phone or Skype, although there are times wherein he forgets to call her.

“I don’t think so little girl…but….we’ll try to make him go here later…don’t worry” Omma caressed Athena’s cheek and gave her a forced smile.

I know that if there is someone who is suffering the most here, it’s Athena. Honestly, I feel like I’m the cruelest mother in the whole world. I know that taking away my daughter from her comfort zone is really stupid.

“Omma…please…call Appa and make him go here” Athena held on to my arm like it’s a matter of life and death.

“Beautiful” I looked at her and noticed that her eyes are filled with tears already.

“Ishi” Omma called and I looked at her.

“Give her what she wants” she said and I took a deep breath and composed myself.

“Alright…we’ll call Appa” I said, making Athena clap in glee.

This is going to be so hard. My thumb is hesitating to press the call button and my heart is beating like someone from a metallic band is drumming it.

As usual, my husband isn’t giving a damn on his phone this early morning for I’m pretty sure that he just went to dreamland a few hours ago “mmmmm” he picked up the call all of a sudden, making me freeze in place.

I felt shivers down my spine and my mouth suddenly dried. I don’t know what to say to him, I can’t even bring myself to say “hello”.

“Who’s this?” he answered with his y baritone voice that can totally make you melt.

“uhmmmm…” I keep on digging my mind for words.

“Ishi?” he asked and that’s when my heart jumped.

He’s really my husband. He knows my voice even just with a simple “mmmm”.

“mmm…Oppa” I cleared my throat and took a deep breath.

This is the first time in a long time that I’ve called him “oppa”. I don’t know, but it really feels so good calling him that again.

“OH! What can I do for you?” he is very formal and it’s just so weird.

“uhmm...I called because of Athena…hmmmm….she wants to see you today…if possible” I answered nervously.

I already went straight to the point just to get things over with. I hate being awkward with him, but I can’t even bring myself to comfort. We haven’t talked for almost a month. Our only communication is whenever he messages me, asking if we’re alright and if we need something.

“oh…alright…I’ll pick her up later this afternoon” he said and there was a long silence.

This is what I hate the most. Both of us are on the line, not wanting to hang up but doesn’t have anything to say or even talk about.

“Ok Oppa…I’ll tell her that you’ll come here later…she’ll be very happy” I told him and he sighed.

“Ishi” he called and my heart jumped.

“Yes?” I am sweating and it’s not even hot.

“Can I see you too?” he asked and I sighed heavily “Please….baby…” he stopped and the moment I heard him call me “baby”, a smile appeared on my face “we haven’t seen each other for