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 “So what did you want to say?” Kyuhyun asked as they were both finally sitting in front of the bar’s counter, each with a beer in their hands. Siwon sighed deeply and gulped his beer before turning towards Kyuhyun.

“Hyukjae,” he said seriously.

“What about him?” Kyuhyun asked frowning deeply and looking at Siwon as well. “Is there something wrong?” he asked now feeling truly concerned.

Siwon chuckled bitterly and started playing with his bottle of beer. “He’s not what you think he is,” he said. “He is so much more of what you can see.”

Kyuhyun chuckled. “I know,” he said nodding softly and looking at his bottle.

“No you don’t,” Siwon said and Kyuhyun didn’t say anything to deny that fact, because truly, he probably knew nothing about the other he liked to call his wife. “He was going to marry me, way before his dad knew you existed,” Siwon finally said and Kyuhyun gasped, turning towards the other and then to the front, clenching his fists in what he thought was a depressing surprise.

“What happened then?” Kyuhyun asked bitterly, drinking almost half of his beer and asking for the bar tender for another shot because he knew he would need it.

“When he went to study abroad after his mother died,” Siwon started almost silently. “I went with him, just three months later…,” he sighed deeply. “I knew already, that we were going to marry each other somewhere in the future, that’s why I got close to him, talked to him often, accompanied him to all his trips and switched schools just as often as him… we became the best friends and it wasn’t even hard…,” Siwon smiled amusedly. “He’s so perfect and cheerful…,” he said dreamily. “But Kyuhyun… you’ll never see what I saw in those eyes at that time…”

Kyuhyun drank his shot and closed his eyes tightly, feeling the burning sensation in his throat. “I’ve seen him cheerful already,” he said.

Siwon turned to the bar tender and asked for two shots for them, turning then to Kyuhyun. “No, because what you see in Hyukjae is just ashes of what he was before.”

Kyuhyun looked at Siwon confused. “How can that even be possible? He smiles all the time, he never gets mad, he always forgives so easily and smiles as if nothing happens…”

Siwon chuckled bitterly. “And I’m blamed for that,” he said. “While we were in high school, he would have boyfriends and girlfriends… I allowed it because I knew he was going to be my wife at the end, I knew he liked me more than he could ever like someone else. It was fine, everything was alright…”

Siwon sighed, drinking his shot as Kyuhyun drank his.

“But then his second boyfriend…,” Siwon continued looking down. “He cheated on Hyuk…,” he pursed his lips in annoyance, as if he still hated the other for the action. “He ing cheated on him, he made him cry…”

Kyuhyun frowned. “And what did you do?” he asked glancing at Siwon.

Siwon smirked. “I hit him until he was in the hospital, bleeding and asking for forgiveness,” he said and Kyuhyun chuckled. Him and Siwon might as well be quite similar.

“I would have done so as well…,” Kyuhyun mumbled and Siwon nodded in agreement.

“Hyukjae was crying for almost two days, he wouldn’t leave his room. And I was there, comforting him, hugging him and always burying him into my arms…,” Siwon smiled faintly. “But then he smiled again and it was perfect… he was still cheerful, always laughing at anything, he stopped crying himself to sleep, everything was back to being perfect…”

Kyuhyun looked at Siwon, how he played with the new shot the bar tender gave them. “And then another guy appeared. He courted Hyukjae like no tomorrow, always giving him flowers or chocolates, taking him out and asking for him to be his boyfriend in a beautiful and expensive restaurant…,” Siwon chuckled. “He cheated too…”

Kyuhyun frowned. “So?” he asked.

Siwon sighed. “I protected him again, he cried and hugged me to sleep, he was so pure and his heart was so broken… even I couldn’t believe he could do that to Hyuk… my Hyuk… my dear and loving future wife…” he looked down. “The boyfriends and girlfriends kept coming, he would always end up heartbroken and me always comforting him…”

“We grew up together, I fell for him and I’m sure he did for me too…,” he smiled gently, as if remembering a beautiful memory. “I asked him to be my boyfriend when we were at college… he was so happy and smiling so brightly… He even yelled and jumped to me, kissing me like there was no tomorrow…,” he turned towards Kyuhyun who was looking at him as if wanting to kill him. “That was the most perfect moment in my life…”

“So what happened?” Kyuhyun asked clenching his fists.

Siwon sighed deeply and chuckled bitterly. “I was a jerk…,” he said. “I was the stupidest man ever, I was such an idiot…,” he messed his own hair in frustration. “I… cheated on him…”

Kyuhyun glared at Siwon. “I would have thought you were going to be loyal to him, seeing how much you protected him…,” he said, almost mocking. “So he broke up with you…,” he speculated.

Siwon shook his head softly. “He didn’t…,” he said regretfully. “We talked, he was crying and I swore I would never hurt him again… I kissed him and he kissed me back, telling me that he was sorry he wasn’t enough…,” and Kyuhyun could see Siwon’s tears threatening to fall down his eyes. “I was so ing stupid to not tell him it was a complete lie… that it was me the one that didn’t deserve him…,” he sighed deeply, stopping for a moment to take his shot and hiss softly at the sensation.

“You’re an idiot,” Kyuhyun shook his head, drinking his own shot as well.

“I am…,” Siwon said. “Because I cheated again and again…,” he gripped on the small glass tightly and chuckled bitterly. “At the third time he told me that we should keep our relationship open… that we could be with whoever we wished… I never felt so guilty in my entire life…”

Kyuhyun looked down. Did he even have the right to say anything to that?

Siwon sighed deeply. “Ever since then… I used to go around with girls and boys but him… he never dated anyone else, he was fine as long as I was available whenever he wanted to go out with me… I used to reject so many girls as soon as I received one text from him… I was so happy… I still am every time he calls me…,” Siwon smiled softly. “I just love him so ing much…”

Kyuhyun clenched his jaw tightly. “We’re both jerks…,” he said.

“Damn right,” Siwon said lifting his glass and Kyuhyun did the same, both drinking their drinks at the same time.

“So why didn’t you marry him?” Kyuhyun asked lowly.

Siwon smiled. “I love him so much…,” he said. “So, so ing much that I decided I wasn’t worth of him…,” he looked down. “Our wedding was arranged by the time he got twenty two, I was supposed to propose and then confess to him that it was arranged ever since the beginning… I chose not to.”

Kyuhyun looked at him. “Why?” he asked curious, because it was a crazy idea. “Why? If you loved him so much, why not marry him?”

Siwon smiled. “I already told you…,” he said looking at the other. “I wasn’t worth it… I expected Hyukjae to marry someone who would love him fully, who would have only him in his eyes…”

Kyuhyun chuckled bitterly. “And that person it’s not me…,” he said sighing deeply.

“I was so infuriated when I knew about your… deal…” Siwon said carefully, literally glaring at Kyuhyun. “I went out to drink and punch someone in the face, he doesn’t deserve you, he doesn’t deserve what you’re doing to him…”

Kyuhyun sighed. “I know…,” he said. “But it’s okay as long as it keeps this way right?”

Siwon glared at Kyuhyun. “He’s not what you think he is.”

“You already said that,” Kyuhyun said firmly.

“He’s weak Kyuhyun, he’s so fragile…,” Siwon said desperately. “You don’t understand, he’s not what you think he is, damn it Kyuhyun, you don’t understand…”

Kyuhyun frowned. “What is it I need to understand?” he asked serious.

“You know my family Kyuhyun,” Siwon said breathing in and out deeply. “The Choi family, I’m the first son.”

Kyuhyun gasped softly. “The Choi Family only has one son,” he said carefully.

Siwon chuckled. “Now they do, but it used to be two before,” he continued sighing. “I was literally kicked away when I decided against the marriage with Hyukjae, they cut every bond that they shared with me, they were so disappointed that decided it was better if I just disappeared from the family…,” he smiled softly. “But I regret nothing, I didn’t get sad when I saw my bank accounts empty, or my scholar debts increasing… it was okay… because Hyukjae was still by my side, giving me his all without me asking, it was the perfect Hyukjae giving me his perfect smile. It was the love of my life hugging me and telling me that everything would be okay even if he didn’t understand what was happening.”

“You really love him…,” and Kyuhyun didn’t deny the fact that he was jealous, jealous that someone could feel so much love. And Kyuhyun wondered, if he could ever love someone as much as Siwon loves Hyukjae. “You gave up on everything just because of him…,” he mumbled.

Siwon smiled. “We never really broke up, we are more than friends, more than boyfriends, more than brothers, he’s my other half, we love each other so much that we don’t even need to say it,” he said and Kyuhyun looked at him. Was it even possible? To love to that extend without asking for more. “It didn’t hurt to leave everything behind…,” Siwon explained. “We’re just perfect together, I need him to even breathe as much as he needs me to live.”

Kyuhyun didn’t feel his nails digging into his own skin.

“It was after a few months that Hyuk’s father realized my situation and he became my legal tutor, he paid for college, he allowed me to live with Hyukjae, he gave me a new family and Hyukjae and I became one, simply one, it was perfect… but Hyuk… he still is different, he still cries at night, and you don’t realize because you’re not with him. He still smiles as if nothing happened but is still hurt deep inside. You will never know how perfect Hyukjae was, how perfect he still is and how perfect he will always be.”

“Why are you telling me this?” Kyuhyun asked getting frustrated, drinking the new shot in his hands, feeling slightly dizzy but letting it pass almost instantly.

“Because Hyuk will always take whatever you give him, it’s okay if it’s only a hug, only a talk, only a smile,” Siwon smiled bitterly. “He will take anything you give because he unconsciously thinks he’s not worth the love,” he took his time to continue, frowning deeply. “I was such a jerk before… I made him believe no one can truly love him completely, no one can give his entire love to him… he learned that he needed to share someone’s heart to at least receive some. He was okay with me being with others, I didn’t realize then. He’s okay with you having a girlfriend because he knows he will never be able to actually compete with someone’s for your heart. He thinks he has lost even before trying. He is perfect Kyuhyun, perfect in so many ways and we’re destroying him, we both are doing it…,” Siwon turned towards Kyuhyun. “But I love him, and it ing hurts to see him like this, so lacking of love that you can’t give him…,” he let go a single tear.

And it was heart breaking.

“What I ask Kyuhyun,” Siwon said softly. “Is to be nice to him,” he smiled at him. “It’s okay if you can’t love him, because I do. The day will come when you will ask for divorce, and maybe by then he will love you already, he will probably just like you or appreciate you… but when that day comes, he won’t say a single word against it, because he has learnt that he will never win in love. I ask you Kyuhyun, to talk to him and make him smile before going to bed, to have dinner with him because otherwise he doesn’t eat, to watch TV together because he will be alone all day long if not. I’m asking you to go and tell him everything will be okay when he’s alone crying in his room because of nothing, to pat his head and tell him he has done well with the garden or the decorations. To thank him when he goes to your office and takes you lunch because he knows when you haven’t. I’m asking you because I’m not there and I won’t be there for him anymore, I won’t be there to kiss him goodnight and distract him from what he really feels. I love him so much and I can’t do that. He will never cheat on you, not even with me. He won’t talk bad about you for real, he will playfully curse at you, he can even yell and be extremely impulsive but Kyuhyun, his heart is so pure that he will defend you with all his might in front of someone bad mouthing you. I know because he’s got into troubles because of me before. He doesn’t know what true love means. He knows I love him unconditionally, but he also knows that our love is so perfect that being lovers would be insulting that love… I’m not asking for much, I just want him to be happy while I can’t be with him… so Kyuhyun,” Siwon looked at the other, his eyes full of tears, and Kyuhyun knew, he would never be able to even aim for something so strong as that, he could see the pain and love, caring for Hyukjae in Siwon’s eyes. “Kyuhyun,” Siwon called again. “Don’t tear him apart completely.”

Kyuhyun opened his mouth to talk but no words came out from it. “I…,” he couldn’t say anything, he couldn’t formulate a word, he didn’t feel rightful to do so. “I’ll try…,” he finally mumbled and Siwon dedicated him a soft smile. “You sound as if you were going to leave him…,” he said narrowing his eyes.

“Yeah, maybe,” Siwon said chuckling and Kyuhyun then realized, that ever since he met Siwon, he has been feeling that competiveness inside him, always trying to win over him and now, he now knew that he would never win, not when it was about Hyukjae. Kyuhyun had nothing to offer to the other.

Siwon drank his last shot, dried his tears with the back of his hand and stood up. “Okay, I have a date in about an hour so I’ll trust you my most precious person in the world. You better take good care of him Kyuhyun,” he said with a playful smile, as if suddenly Kyuhyun had gained his entire trust.

Kyuhyun gasped. “What? But, um… okay… I guess…,” he mumbled. “But why are you going on dates when he’s right here? Aren’t you hurting him more like that?”

Siwon stretched his arms. “He will feel guiltier if he knows I’ve been only with him, he doesn’t want me to be alone,” he explained and smirked at Kyuhyun. “And he’ll be completely mine after you two divorce, he’s not planning on remarrying so I’ll take him in my arms forever after.”

Kyuhyun frowned. “You sound so sure,” he said.

“I am,” Siwon replied with a wide grin. “I’ll go now then,” he said turning around and just waving his hand coolly.

Kyuhyun looked at Siwon leave, he smiled bitterly. There was something in his chest, some kind of feeling that he has never felt before. He didn’t know if it was sadness, jealousy, sympathy… but what he knew, was that his heart started pounding hard when he thought that it could actually be love.

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A/N: Angsty + mpreg requested fic~

Can I just say how much I love Siwon in this fic?

I just… I love him… (‘: