Just Once - Kyuhyun

Donghae's POV

"I want you to leave right now," Min Yu muttered bleakly. No, this is not true. I tasted blood in my mouth, probably from my biting my tongue in utter disbelief. The woman beside me is my wife, but she is not. She speaks and looks like Lee Min Yu, the woman I married, but she is not. It was convincing, but I'm not buying it.

I wonder who this woman is. I know the reason behind her smiles and her laughs, why she flips her hair to the side, tuck it behind her ear, or gather it all up in a loose bun atop her head...sometimes. Sometimes, I can tell which emotion she was feeling. Sometimes I think I know her. Sometimes I wish I did. Min Yu was a big question mark I would like to die answering.

How many people have seen her and assumed she wasn't going through something? How could the doctor let her go? How could the ahjumma not know? They had no idea she was planning something. They thought she was perfectly fine and normal and alright. But she wasn't. Min Yu wasn't. She was so good at pretending, but I'm not buying it.

I stood up and knelt in front of her. Her eyes were frozen unlike mine that leaked a river, possibly a waterfall, even. And so I just knelt there on the cold pavement along the highway, watching her shoulders that were sharp along the edges tumultuously heave up and down. Her delicate fingers crept along the wooden bench, feeling for me. But I wasn't there.

Min Yu let out a gasp, already having the notion that I might have left, after all. That what she wanted me to do was obliged willingly. That I was going to let her go that easily. To prove she's right, she reached out more into the empty air, but I wasn't there anymore. The girl pulled her hand back, stoically placing it atop her lap. It was like she hadn't felt a thing.

After a second or so, when the reality has probably sunk in -- and hard -- she sniffled and finally cried. Her fingers clawed at the hems of her dress as she took in sharp intakes of breath in between her violent sobbing. Her high walls were torn down and now she was bare. I took her hands and let her feel me, that I was still there, that I never left, that I never will.

"What did I do?" I started, to relieve the curiosity of not knowing. There was a reason to everything. "Did I do something wrong? Did I hurt you? Is it because I shouted at you long ago? Is it because I came home late last week? Please tell me." I let her feel the tears falling down my cheeks. "Or let me apologize, at least."

When she didn't respond, I continued. "Don't I give you enough? Did you want something I didn't give you? Is it money? Is it our house? Is it the car? Is it our room? Is it my job? I'll give you my entire salary. I'll buy a new house. I'll buy you a car. I'll have our room renovated. I'll end my career and have a new one. What is it that you want?" And she only cried harder.

"Or..." I took a deep breath, as if my words were some physical force that had a great impact. "Or is it because you don't love me anymore?" I bit my lip, not wanting to accept the idea. "It's okay." And unlike when she says it, to me, it's perfectly fine. "But you don't have to go." I ran my fingers through her hair. "You don't have to love me. I'll just love you myself."

I wiped her eyes dry. "I'll give you anything, Min Yu." I held onto the side of her face, and though I wanted so badly to despise the fact that her night blindness was getting in the moment, it wasn't her fault she was suffering from it. "Just...not everything," I glanced at the divorce papers in my other hand. "Just not this. I won't sign it, and I will not read it."

"Donghae..." she countered weakly. Somehow, whatever was running through her mind at that moment, I will never know. I will never know what drove her to write these divorce papers and sign them. I will never know what choices she had made, and I will never know if she had truly wanted that option, or just simply settled for it as she had no other choice. Or maybe, I'll know.

"No more buts," I scolded, taking her hand in mine and pulling at her wrists for her to stand up. It was final. I wanted to slap myself and yell that this is not just a story from a book or reasons written on sheets of paper. It was happening, and I'm here. I'm holding her hand and leading her to my car. And I let her enter the passenger seat partly because she was the most beautiful creature I've ever laid eyes on and I didn't want her to go.

I walked to the driver's seat and entered, only to see she had already fallen asleep. But I didn't smile. Min Yu wasn't so easily persuaded, and maybe she had just given up on convincing me today. And she will proceed to do so tomorrow. In one way or another, we will sleep under the same room, buried under the same blanket. At the moment, that was important.

But what really was important? Why would I wake up at two in the morning because her back was killing her and her nose was bleeding even though I knew nothing on how to help her? Glad and never half in love with her -- because even just a half is still too much -- I turned away and focused on the road ahead. She was a dangerous kind of head-turner.

That February...

Narrator's POV

Min Yu let out a loud laugh that startled Donghae as he watched television. "Why do you have this here?" She lifted the can opener in her hand while staring at the open suitcase Donghae was about to bring on his flight to Indonesia. "What do can openers do?" he asked rhetorically. "Do they brush my teeth? Of course I brought it to open cans!" He fought back against the pillow he was hugging.

She tossed it across the floor before smacking his arm lightly. "You travel often and you still don't get airport rules and regulations," she scolded. "But I really really REALLY don't want to go," he whined immaturely. "You simply have to," Min Yu only muttered in response. Donghae turned her around to face him before he held onto her forearms and looked deadly straight into her eyes. "You're up to something."

"I am not," she defended coolly. It was the sixth of February, and she could tell he was somehow feeling it just as she could feel her end near. "You know what I'm talking about, right?" Donghae arched an eyebrow questioningly and his grip on her tightened. "I'm not up to something, Donghae," Min Yu repeated clearly. But he still wasn't convinced.

"Promise me, or I'll cry again. I'm serious here," Donghae pleaded with a straight face. He wanted so badly to get inside her head for once and know what runs through her mind. "I'm not up to something, I swear." Min Yu held her right hand up. The man shook his head no. It wasn't the answer he was waiting for. "Promise me you won't leave me again."

The girl blinked a few times, trying to find her way out of the situation. Breathing unevenly, she yanked her arms back from Donghae's grasp and tried to laugh it off. "I'll just make sure you have everything you need before you go, okay?" She flashed him a bright smile before looking away and shifting her attention back to her task. Donghae rolled his eyes at her. "Min Yu..."

She never really moved on from that night she had signed the divorce papers she had made herself. And what she hated most, other than the fact that he didn't sign it, was that he knew she was about to leave again -- soon and permanently. "Wae?" Min Yu turned, only to see him agitated. And she had an inkling that she wouldn't like where this was going.

"So what, you're telling me that you can't promise to stay?" Donghae asked, his voice threatening to break.

She sighed, folding his clothes properly on her lap. "How can I promise when you're going to leave me tomorrow?"

Her statement was harsh, but true. Donghae lied down on the bed and began flipping through channels as a distraction. "It's not like I want to leave you. It's my job."

"If I can stay, I would have chosen to, you know. So it's not like I really want to leave you too," Min Yu answered faintly. It had been about a month since she gave him the chance to save himself from the state she was sending him into. But he was as equally stubborn as her, and so it was difficult to push him away, even if it would be for the better.

Min Yu coughed, and she tasted a hint of blood in . It was coming, she thought. Nearer and nearer every day. Bleeding was a symptom of death, just like her deteriorating health was. Everything was, actually, even living. And she wanted to do something about it, to extend even just for some time when everything is assured to be fine even after she leaves.

But life is unfair, as it always was. And so day by day, despite how the things she live for increase, Min Yu was shrinking to the darkness, to the nothingness everyone else has feared, to the nonexistent state after death. The conclusion, as some call it. And though she never really did fear oblivion, it was fearful enough to leave everything messy and incomplete -- like starting a puzzle and framing it with one piece missing.

And without him knowing, she wanted to stay. She wanted to stay so permanently that even immortals would envy her long life. But she was a real person sitting near a real perfection on a real bed in a real world in a real universe. But being scared was no excuse. Being scared was for little girls, and she was someone above average.

He didn't say anything more, and the silence added to her guilt. But who would want to die? Min Yu finished organizing his things and left the suitcase by the floor. She pushed herself further across the bed, settling on the space beside him. "Sorry," she mumbled, just audible enough for him to hear. Instead of answering, though, Donghae pulled her to lie beside him.

--

With her heart fluttering inside her chest and her lungs burning for more air, Min Yu woke up. She sat up, untangling herself from the man's limbs as she did so. The pain was etched evidently across her face while she grimaced and stood up. Walking the suffering off seemed like a great idea, even if it was too early in the morning to be awake -- around seven o'clock to be exact.

It was already bright at that time, the walls and the floor awashed with the pale yellow light streaming in from the windows. She exited the bedroom as quietly as she could and trudged down the stairs with great difficulty. For once, ever since pregnancy had taken its toll on her, Min Yu might even be able to prepare breakfast for her husband.

Just the thought of it decreased her pains to that of a highly tolerable level, although everything was tolerable to her. Min Yu stood on her tiptoes and reached for the frying pan kept hidden in a cupboard overhead. Then she opened the fridge and decided to make pancakes topped with fresh strawberries. She stirred the ingredients in a mixing bowl.

While waiting for the frying pan to heat, Min Yu rummaged in the refrigerator for something to eat. Her attention duly taken by the apple, she took it and relished the crisp and sweetness of the fleshy fruit. Seeing how the butter had already melted on the pan, she had the ladle in one hand -- the apple in the other -- as she poured the mixture little by little into the pan to cook.

She listened to the sizzling by the stove while leaning against the counter. Min Yu almost dropped her apple as another wave of pain washed across her stomach, her muscles contracting involuntarily. But she breathed in deeply, savoring the thought of managing to be whole just until Donghae wakes up. "We have to endure well."

The pain decreased, and she quickened her cooking before the next round of suffering ensues. Min Yu placed the pancakes in some sort of a tower before pouring a generous amount of syrup over and scattering a handful of strawberries on the food. Holding the plate in one hand and the half-eaten apple in the other, Min Yu froze in the middle of the kitchen, paralyzed by the pain that seemed to grow more intense than before.

Her hands shook as she bit on her lip and closed her eyes, visualizing the pain like a dark cloud hovering overhead with her shooing it away. She remained still and immobile by the same spot for about five minutes or so just until the agony dissipated. With a fearful limp, Min Yu advanced to the dining table to set the breakfast down. And she held onto a chair's backrest when the pain appeared unexpectedly once more.

She let her apple fall to the floor, rolling and tumbling just next to her feet, as the suffering was too much to bear. It's happening, she thought. And, before anything worse could happen, Min Yu reached for her phone and dialed for the hospital. "Hello?" she answered almost like a whisper. If she opened any wider to speak, she would scream.

"I'm..." Min Yu took a deep breath. "I'm about to give birth. Please come." She fought the urge to cry, and it wasn't from the physical pain she was feeling at the moment. "P-please come as silently as possible," she muttered softly. "I don't want any sirens. 135-283 Seoul, Seocho Neighborhood #5, 1308-25," she stated calmly before hanging up. She never did hear the other person say anything.

Time was ticking, and she saw the blood mixed with water trickling down her legs. Her suffering would have been worth it if it wasn't for the fact that everyone else was burdened by it, which made everything harder for her. So Min Yu climbed up the stairs as fast as she could, wishing not for the first time that she could beat time.

Inside their bedroom, she entered, glad to see that he was still soundly asleep. She pulled the blanket up to his chin, crying as she gave him a soft kiss. She yanked her closet doors open, looking for the brown envelope that Donghae left and forgot to throw away. And she placed it on the bedside table, under the eyeglasses that she had long worn.

She felt for his handphone under his pillow, holding her breath nervously as the pain conflagrated up her guts. In contrary, though, the girl only moved quicker. Finally fumbling for it, she took it out and turned it on, happy that he never did put a security lock on. Clearing and pacing around the room, she tapped on the voice recorder.

After talking on the phone nonstop for three minutes, she placed his phone beside him and fought the urge to wake him up and say goodbye. With the brown envelope in her hand, Min Yu left, closing the door shut carefully behind her. Walking down the stairs, there was a knock on her door. Descending faster, she opened the front door to two medical staff with a stretcher in their hands.

Feeling more and more tired by the minute, Min Yu was strapped down to the stretcher after entrusting the documents to one nurse. They carried her in the ambulance, which was still as silent as she had wished. "Please call my mother," she mumbled weakly, her eyes threatening to close. Her voice gets caught up in with each number she dictated, the contractions more terrifying than ever.

"Mom...mom," she called out softly to her panicking mother. "Sejong...Sejong General Hospital, okay? Yes, the hospital during my car accident." Min Yu had her eyes closed. After this, Donghae would have more rest, more sleep, and no worries. "D-don't wake Donghae up, okay? They're going to leave, remember? Go there. I'll be waiting for you."

Donghae's POV

"Oppa..." I stirred in my sleep, hearing her call out to me. "Oppa, ireona~" I yanked the blanket over my head. "Five more minutes," I groaned with my eyes still closed. "Hae, your flight is at nine. It's nearly eight o'clock, so wake up now, okay?" Min Yu reminded a little louder this time. Why did the words sound rehearsed and scripted?

"I just went out for a walk. Don't worry about me, okay?" she continued. I turned to my side and found my phone blaring in a loud volume. Our faces crowded the screen, and I missed her out of the blue. "There's breakfast waiting for you at the table. If you think it has gotten cold already, reheat it in the microwave, okay?"

"The syrup's in the fridge and there are still some strawberries, too. You put the food inside, but don't forget to take the fork and any other metal out. Plug the microwave in before setting the timer, okay? Maybe two minutes will do. Then you take it out using a pot holder. Don't burn yourself, babo." I laughed at how nagging she can sound even over the phone. "Unplug it. And eat well~"

I paused her recording, which she had apparently set as my alarm tone at exactly eight o'clock. Well, she got me listening, all right. I stood up and brought the phone with me inside the bathroom. Then I hit it back to play. "Take a shower, okay? Your clothes are hanging inside the closet. I asked the ahjumma to iron them last night."

As she had ordered, I obliged obediently and showered quickly. "Don't take too long. I don't want you to catch a cold. Then brush your teeth well, just like how you taught me to. Our Lee Donghae has to smile brightly for the cameras~" I turned the water off and dried myself with a towel. When I walked out and opened the closet doors, my clothes were right in front of me. It felt good to be taken care of.

"Take care of yourself when you leave, okay?" Her voice sounded choked up, and her statement was followed by a long stretch of pause. "Look after your dongsaengs well, especially our Kyuhyun. And if you're going along with EXO on your tour, tell Joonmyun and Wufan to look after our maknaes as well, especially our forgetful Jongin and Yixing."

I smiled while putting shoes on. She's concerned for everybody. "That's just about all of it." She heaved a sigh. "I'm still sorry about snapping back at you last night. That was wrong, I know. Try your best not to forget your phone even when you're actually holding it, okay? I'm going to miss you. I'll wait for you. Yeobo, saranghae~" she bid sweetly, earning her the tingles up my spine.

After dressing up, I had my suitcase in one hand and walked down the stairs slowly. As she had said, there was breakfast waiting for me by the table. I left my luggage by the living room and headed to the kitchen to fill a glass with milk. Afterwards, I walked back to the dining table. And, as I unintentionally kicked an apple next to a puddle of blood by the floor, I felt the panic surge up my throat.