Min Yu's POV

Day 247

I watched as our feet moved in sync, each step matching with the rhythm of everything else. But why did it feel so penultimate, the way his hand clasped mine in close affinity? Or maybe L.Joe was right, that I'm overthinking again. My shoulders drooped as I inhaled the sweet scent given off by the light drizzle. The rainy season was about to begin on this side of the world.

"What are you thinking about?" asked Donghae impertinently over the sound as the raindrops fell gently over our umbrella. The skies didn't rumble as much as it does during a storm, and I was thankful he had offered to walk me to my apartment. Of course, I fought the urge to jump up and down and squeal like the fan girl I am, especially for him.

And maybe this was the change I've been waiting for. My fingers are crossed it would be consistent not to convince me, but to assure the other members that I was right all along, that he would come back to his senses. "Nothing," I mumbled softly. He came to a sudden halt in his tracks. "Are you sure?" Just stay right here in front of me. If only I could stop time, I would.

Donghae seems to be waiting for a response, so I nodded convincingly. He wound his arm around my shoulder, closing the menacing proximity in between us. He was holding me tight, yet he doesn't realize how long I have wished for this moment. We both proceeded with our silent walking and right now I couldn't be any happier.

Under an umbrella I shared with a beautiful boy -- or a man, or maybe a little bit of both -- my insecure self trembled, trying to choke down the butterflies flooding my stomach. But it was as if he reached down from heaven and drew me out of the deep waters. It wasn't a win-win situation, as I am trying not to tell him that I love him despite the fact that he stole my heart and won't give it back.

The beautiful boy had eyes the color of a molten bronze, and his heart was just as equally precious. It was like a swimming pool one could easily drown in. And I was already at the bottom with no hopes of ever resurfacing. Words as beautiful as him came out of his mouth. By any chance, does he know how hard I'm trying to keep my pounding heart steady?

More than once, I find myself breathless under his touch, but the beautiful boy was quickly running out of resuscitating methods. If ever he leaves, no other improvisation will do me any good. For comparisons are easily done once perfection had been experienced. And as for the beautiful boy I am sharing the umbrella with, I hope he feels the same way I do.

With this beautiful boy -- or a man, or whichever he feels he is -- I raise my hand to feel the tamed cliffs of his face. Michelangelo's masterpiece has come to life under my hand, and I hope he wouldn't claim him back. But I'm afraid the beautiful boy will leave again, lugging his umbrella with him. I have my doubts, but the worst has yet to come.

"What has Eunhyuk been up to these days? I don't see him that often," I blurted out of nowhere. "Oh, you know that guy. He's probably trying to get a steady girlfriend of his own," Donghae replied with a smug smile and I ran out of words to name a feeling I've just discovered. And my belligerent mind told me that this beautiful boy was worth the tear-soaked pillows and emptied soju bottles.

An outlaw of perfection by himself, and himself alone, Donghae's mere presence fishes the exaltations out of my guts as he kept the conversation going. With the ever present pressure, I have to make up words and weave them into one statement, hoping at least one idea would earn me a smile from the beautiful boy. Please spare me a smile.

I'll call you by your name and hand in hand, we'll build forts out of sheets and castles out of cardboard boxes, unlike the future I had planned myself, as shaky as a house of cards -- unsteady. Donghae calls for my name yet I didn't respond. His voice rings up to the back of my head, enough to make me sleepless for a fortnight.

Say it again. Say it again and again and again. These angels knocking at my skull make it harder for me to think straight, and as I see his hand waving in front of my face, I snap out of my little trance. I owe the beautiful boy everything. I will be relentless, restless even, in saying that I owe him much. And maybe Donghae knew it too, for he had all the tickets while I paid all the fines.

He became silent for a moment. The beautiful boy became silent. Donghae became silent. What was he thinking about? My heart was filled with blood and if he asked, I would have given him the whole thing. He might not say it, but he must want something. "What do you want?" I asked out loud, knowing quite well that we were both foolish for words.

My eyes were steadily fixed on the ground, which quenched its thirst with rainwater, anticipating his answer. Our feet easily treaded on the asphalt ground, walking past shallow puddles in a measured pace. Up in front, I caught sight of a single-storey building with the exterior walls decorated with the peeling beige paint. I wished silently that I would trip and fall on my knees, maybe even roll across the asphalt just as long as it would make him stay.

It was excruciating -- not the wait. It was painful how each step almost brought me to my own hell, the point in which there was no turning back, unless, of course, the beautiful boy decides to stay with me for the meanwhile. But the stakes are high up and against me. The agony was all and the same, like the ache of pulse after pulse of blood under a bruise.

As we both reached the front porch, he folded the umbrella and watched me intently. I swallowed back an offer, knowing it would end similarly like the countless rejected ones before. History repeats itself. History. History. History. And it was but a cycle, a wheel on a bicycle that goes round and round. We were at the penultimate, for the next would be the last, and the next would be the first. And the cycle begins again. History repeats itself.

There's nowhere else the beautiful boy should be but here, beside me. He could be sprawled across my whole bed, above the sheets in his boxer shorts, watching cartoons and coloring blank pages. He could be playing games on my phone and he could read my messages, scroll through my inbox and I'd still be glad to have him there. Oh how I would appreciate it if the boy in the boxer shorts would kiss me...

"Let's meet after school." Donghae voiced out. I stared at his shoes. They seem comfortable and fit, and I like the sound of his voice. In a neat pile, everything he says has been recorded in my head, played over and over again occasionally to put me to sleep. I was grateful he was speaking to me again, for I was quickly running out of lullabies.

And my hero shifted his weight from one foot to another. Sharp inhales and warm exhales spell out desires. I'm no lifesaver, and I'm not the princess of the story either. Who am I? I am just the writer. And yes, I swallow the words down my throat to silence these ideas that prick like glass shards, but that will come back later. "Sure," said I without looking at him.

My right hand was shoved inside my pocket as it absent-mindedly fumbled for the key to the door and the left was clammy with nervous perspiration. His arm was still slung lazily over my shoulder and gladly, he didn't let go. My work can wait. My school can wait. I wasn't going anywhere. Here is the part where everyone is happy and everyone is forgiven even though we didn't deserve another chance.

He pressed against me as I could feel his breathing against my skin, pressing and pressing until he fits and makes a place for himself. And he kisses me, so I didn't move. And the angel's mouth is heaven, his kisses falling down on me like stars. It was no little kiss before we say goodbye. Just ask me the question and I would say I do. So I'll have to knot your necktie before you go to work.

The human instincts kick in and we pull away, wanting to breathe by ourselves and not merely inhaling what the other has exhaled. The boy was beautiful as ever even with his eyes closed, leaving me yearning for his lips to be mashed once again with mine. He's so beautiful that I want to cry.  The minutes didn't stop and he opened his eyes to stare back at my imperfection. I'm sorry I'm not what he wanted. I'm sorry I wasn't good enough.

The boy was no good and I was, too. But he holds me dearly and it was the happiest place on earth. He was everything and nothing at the same time. I only wanted to be saved, but he happened to be standing in the middle of my way. I wanted to hold his hand and tell him how I felt, but he didn't have time...not that I have, either. His mouth upturned to a smile.

It was uncountable, how many times I was busy scribbling and doodling and imagining my name with his last. And so I love the beautiful boy in the red button-down shirt. Sometimes I feel like he doesn't care, and sometimes I could almost taste it. Donghae rested his forehead against mine and kissed me again, like a wordless prayer being answered, a wish being granted.

And the moment was like a tree that the roots have to end somewhere, similar to unknotting a necktie. He pulled away first, leaving me to depend on my own skill to breathe by myself. But back to the moment of epiphany, the beautiful boy's brazen eyes blinked back at me. "Wait for me later, okay? Don't go out with someone else." His lower lip jutted out.

I nodded obediently. This was it. Any moment now, he would spin around on the balls of his feet and turn to leave. This would be the part the beautiful boy -- or man, but more of the latter -- will unfold his umbrella and walk to the other side of the street. This time, he will be alone, no one to share the umbrella with. And then the memory of his leaving will be added to the neat pile inside my mind. I remember everyone who leaves, anyway.

But he didn't. And instead, Donghae ran his fingers through the coarse fringes of my hair and smoothed the tangles out. "I love you." It was an automatic switch, they said. That once someone has lied to you, everything they will say next will be as questionable. And it's probably because they learn. But I don't. "I love you too." There. I like that ending better.

Narrator's POV

And the girl was standing in the in-between, the short pause before the music transcends from the next note. But it was no short kind of waiting. The sky rippled and another thunder was heard throughout the horizon. Min Yu wasn't waiting for the rain to stop. No. She was waiting for the comfortable-looking shoes to step on puddles and disturb the small pool of rainwater on the asphalt.

But then she looked up, still hopeful, that the one who said that promises were meant to be broken was just a desolate and somewhat unfortunate human being. Every tick of the hands of the clock, she left a reserve. "Five more minutes," thought Min Yu silently. "Five more minutes and if he doesn't show up, I'll leave." She bargained with herself until the mere five minutes turned to ten, twenty, fifty minutes, more or less two hours.

Waiting was the hardest part, but she complied, though her foot tapped on the ground impatiently. Admittedly, she was no princess, not the pretty girl in the dress, all smiles while waiting for her prince in unyielding confidence. And then there was Min Yu in the collared, blue shirt with denim jeans and black sneakers to match. The smile had long faded, and the prince was nowhere to be found. Confidence not available.

Other than the fact that she was no self-proclaimed royalty, the girl couldn't admit to her ego that she might probably have been waiting for something that isn't going to happen, or perhaps someone who isn't going to show up. Min Yu enclosed her fingers around her handphone, fighting the urge to call the emergency hotline and report a missing person.

If Heechul was there, he would have applauded her lack of common sense. If it was L.Joe, he would have remained silent. If Ryeowook was there, he would have cried and urged her to go home. If it was Eunhyuk, he would have combed through all the places in Seoul just to grab Donghae by the neck and strangle him to his death. If it was Kyuhyun, Donghae would have been already at the hospital.

If Donghae was there, however, Min Yu wouldn't have had to run through the streets, slowly getting soaked by the heavy downpour. She had no idea where to go. Whenever it was dark, no other place would be safe and danger-proof. Seoul was not an exception. But Min Yu didn't mind. The girl had her heart on her sleeve the whole time, not the least bit afraid.

The chills of each raindrop burned across her spine and her clothes began to feel heavy. Her favorite black sneakers skidded across the cement and splashed numerous puddles, sometimes annoying passersby with her clumsy jog. She envied those people warm and happy under umbrellas. And if Donghae was all alone under his umbrella, she would have been more than willing to share it with him.

Why couldn't she bring herself to hate him? That was the question that caused her teeth to gnash, leaving more bitemarks on her tongue. The time goes by fast as she weaves through crowded streets. "Excuse me, yes, I'm sorry. Make way please, coming through. Yes, thank you. Oh, I'm sorry. Excuse me, please." Tick tock goes the clock even though Min Yu repeatedly stepped on strangers' feet as she went on her way.

Fear was out of Min Yu's vocabulary at the moment. She could suffer a terrible cold and a grumbling stomach in exchange for a kiss on the forehead. She was an aggressive bank, handing out loans like money was reached a universal depth in their vaults. Min Yu was dripping from head to toe, her eyeglasses blurred from the fog. She would soon be bankrupt.

Her muscles ached, but she pushed it further, pushing it way past its human limits. L.Joe said she was superhuman, anyway. She might as well prove it to herself. She stopped at the intersection, coming to a halt in the middle of people rushing to get home. She grasped her phone tightly and dialed his number for the nth time. "The subscriber cannot be reached. Please try and call later."

Min Yu cursed under her breath. Unnoticed, she went along with the flow of random people across the street. The rain poured harder, each drop sending almost a prick to her skin. She never bothered taking her eyeglasses off, for she would not be able to see a thing. Aimlessly, the girl walked and walked, not a specific place in mind. After all, if people wanted to be found, they would show up.

Her tired feet brought her to various stores and shops, but she only earned strange looks from strangers. Rainwater dripped from her head down to her toes, yet she wasn't contented. It was cold and her lips were quivering. By the figures, she couldn't quite tell how many babies were born every second around the world, much less the number of deaths per second. But since life didn't stop for anything, so did her feet.

But everything spun in her view, and she knew better than to keep going. Attracted by its lights and the protection it provided, Min Yu came to seek shelter outside a fancy restaurant. She didn't dare try watching the customers inside who are busy eating and having a good time, for it would only make her stomach grumble. When was the last time she had eaten a decent meal again?

Stubborn, the girl was, as she turned around and almost chewed her lip off. He was there. She was there. And they were together. And she wanted to cry. But no one would hold her, not that she wasn't used to it. But she had seen the way he looked at her. No, it wasn't a heart break. For the heart was a muscle, and not a bone. It doesn't break.

Min Yu clawed at the glass window separating her from the view. Her eyes watered but didn't spill. It was of no use either. It's not like each drop will make him come back. It was a good thing Min Jae never told her bedtime stories about fairytales and shoes falling off and poisoned apples and wicked stepmothers. It was not a realistic matter, even the happy ending part.

Donghae rubbed his palms together and blew on them. And the girl's hands felt empty, and she would have held his to keep them warm. But he would have probably cringed away from her. She was slowly growing hysterical at the thought that he was safe after all. Safe and warm. Not with her, but at least he was safe. He was alive, and happy at that. He smiled at what Sun Hye had said, but Min Yu was far enough not to hear it.

The boy was beautiful, and the girl was, too. They looked so good together that Min Yu wanted to cry. It was terrifying, the fact that paranoia slowly crept up inside her. Her fingernails scratched across the glass, but no one inside would be too sensitive to notice her. Another cold gust of wind blew and it dried the moisture on her skin. But her clothes felt heavy. She would have to drag herself home, consoling herself with the fact that he was safe after all.

--

42 degrees. His eyes narrowed at the digits. But after he hit the instrument against the wall multiple times just to see if it was working well, Kyuhyun stormed out of the room and handed Eunhyuk the thermometer. The maknae slammed the door shut behind him with his fists balled up tightly, the skin stretched taut over his bony knuckles. Eunhyuk, however, pressed the bridge of his nose and inhaled sharply.

Sungmin darted in the room carrying two more blankets and draped it over the trembling figure lying on the bed. Her lips were blue. "She's going to die. She's going to die. I know it!" cried Ryeowook, and it took all of Siwon's courtesy to tell him to go out. In a small room of five, only one felt at peace. But it wasn't peace if Min Yu's teeth chattered soundly. The other four members were very afraid.

He wrung another rag and placed it gently over her forehead. He prayed it would quickly help stabilize her temperature. She was burning. "Do you want anything?" asked Siwon, mumbling against her ear. Her eyes were shut tight while weakly shaking her head no. "Don't tell him I'm here, okay?" reminded Min Yu softly, to which the other just nodded.

She was burning and freezing at the same time in absolute irony. She could open her eyes but she didn't want to. And she couldn't bear to see the others looking so frightful. The window was near the bed and she wanted to check if the same white Audi was parked outside. By then, she would have been able to sleep well. But as it isn't, then it ain't.

It was somehow coincidental. Just a few hours ago, she had seen Donghae feeling kind of cold, leaving her yearning to hold his hands to keep him warm. And now that she felt like turning to ice any minute, Min Yu doubted he was feeling the same thing. She didn't even expect him to drop by and see her, even if his room was just a few feet away.

Her teeth almost broke through her lip as she forcefully bit it. The silence and unanswered questions and confessions were starting to build up again, and if she didn't tone it down, she would be misunderstood. Even if she did, she wasn't sure if Donghae would listen. The others were right. She just didn't matter to him anymore like she used to, and the thought just scared her.

Siwon heaved out a heavy sigh and left the room, his eyes narrowing as soon as he saw Kyuhyun by the hall. "Whatever is it you're planning to do, I'm telling you to stop it now. Right now," said the older, but the maknae didn't look up. He obliged anyway and sat in front of the television. The door burst open, as if on cue, and Donghae entered with Sun Hye trailing close behind him.

The blank look on his face suggested that he didn't know, or perhaps he didn't care at all. The two members didn't mind his presence in return. Sun Hye, used to the fact that no one else in the dorm -- except Donghae -- talks to her, stumbled to the kitchen to get herself a glass of water. Noticing a pot of bubbling soup, she advanced towards the stove to take a closer look.

"Don't touch that!" exclaimed Ryeowook breathlessly after running down the stairs in lightning speed. The woman had a sultry look on her face. "Why not?" Her face slipped into a pout as she tried to work her way in using whatever tactics she had. But the Super Junior member irritatedly pushed her out of the way. "It's for Min Yu."

Donghae innocently scratched the back of his head. "So? It's not like she'll be able to eat all of it." He motioned towards the woman with the ineffective charms. "Why, does Sun Hye need it like Min Yu does? Is she sick too? If she was, I bet you would have looked after her more," scoffed Ryeowook, now suddenly having a defiant stand. He held a ladle in one hand while stirring the steaming soup. Kyuhyun handed him a bowl and a spoon.

The older one's eyes widened and he opened his mouth to speak. "No. Just don't dare go in there. Hyung." Kyuhyun cut him off without even looking at him. He added the honorific sarcastically. Donghae ran up the stairs in a dash, taking two steps at a time. When he did reach the door, it was locked. "Go away," ordered Heechul from inside.

His fist pummeled noisily against the wooden door. "Let me in," said Donghae from the outside. Footsteps thudded softly and before Donghae could realize, Kyuhyun was already behind him. "Don't. Just don't, okay? Let her be. You've already done SUCH a great job. And I want to congratulate you for a job well done, but I have to feed her something. I'm so embarrassed because you fulfilled your duties very VERY well, haven't you?"

The maknae was about to add more, but Donghae's fist that rested against the door already hit him hard in the face. Kyuhyun stumbled backwards while clutching the part of his face where the pain burned most intensely. It still hasn't registered in his mind that his hyung had punched him, but he grabbed the older by his collar and held him against the wall.

He almost heard his knuckles crunch as he sent a similarly strong punch across Donghae's face as a counter-offense. The older should've been the responsible, be-your-dongsaeng's-role-model kind of guy, but this time he wasn't. He was the exact opposite and since Kyuhyun knew a thing or two about karma, he decided to get his revenge within the next second.

It wasn't that he was the one directly hurt, but he treated it as his duty being Kyuhyun. And then he sent his fist down to the other's stomach, punching him right in the gut. Donghae's back was pressed against the wall, and all he could do at the moment was grunt and groan in pain and defeat. He could fight back and even leave Kyuhyun bleeding by the floor, but he didn't know why he only stood weakly by the door.

Kyuhyun, however, wasn't contented with what he did. He yanked his hyung by his shirt and sent him tumbling to the carpeted floor. He repeatedly kicked him. As he did so, Kyuhyun examined the hint of blood on his first four knuckles and was relieved to know it wasn't his own. Donghae tried grappling him but to no avail. He wasn't putting up a fight, but rather trying to shield himself from the continuous hits he was receiving.

And he deserved it all. Donghae deserved it all. The beautiful boy deserved it all. Kyuhyun knew it too. And he didn't feel guilty of what he had done. He had a knowledge of good judgment, anyway. He leaned against the railing leading to the staircase, at the bottom of which Ryeowook and Sun Hye stood, speechless and wide-eyed. Siwon was back in his room. And Kyuhyun panted heavily.

Using the back of his other hand, Donghae wiped a drop of blood away from his chin. The door of the bedroom suddenly opened, revealing Min Yu from inside. She held onto the door frame while the other three members inside discouraged her from the view outside the four walls. Heechul wasn't the least bit shocked, and so were Eunhyuk and Sungmin. It had come down to this.

The girl's hair was in disarray and she saw the floor likes the waves of the ocean, unstable and dizzying. She fought back the feeling of nausea and focused on the matter at hand. Her clothes were still soaked through and through. She had refused to take them off to change into dry, fresh ones. And the members let her off quickly. They had buried her with thick blankets instead.

She took deep breaths while advancing towards Donghae with long, nervous strides. She wound his arm around her shoulder and aided him to get up from where he was sprawled on the floor. Even if she herself would fall down at any moment, she pushed her legs to keep moving and walking, just like she had done around the streets of Seoul a few hours ago.

The struggle was obviously etched on her face, but she knew she had suffered worse. Everyone knew. And all of them knew the laughs they had shared at the same place, same location. The carpet where Donghae had fallen had been the same carpet that would get soaked wet because of stupid water gun fights, which all ended whenever Donghae would drink and choke on the water or sometimes his own saliva.

It was the same floor that endured their weight whenever they would clutch their stomachs and make Heechul mad because of their loud laughter. It was the same railings that Min Yu wanted to slide down on, but was too afraid. And it made her upset because Donghae was brave enough to do it. But she had loved the image of him with a big smile on his face.

But times change. Seasons change. And people change. It was a generic rule that she couldn't simply defy. She used her free hand to twist the knob and yank the door open. And now was her chance to be the hero of the story. But heroes weren't hollow and weak and sensitive like she was. She was no princess either. Then what was she?

All she knew was that she didn't love herself. The love before the love. The love before everything else. And she figured out what to do with her hands after she had laid Donghae carefully on his bed. He kept his torn lips pursed and forbade himself to say anything. It didn't matter to her as she busied herself trying to tidy his room a bit, placing things were they were supposed to be.

And she knew she must be where she needed to be, outside and tucked comfortably on Eunhyuk's bed. Outside, she would be taken care of, not the one going to take care of someone else. But she shrugged the thought away and decided that it didn't matter. She was freezing and trembling but it didn't matter. Donghae was hurt and punched and kicked and that was all that mattered.

She left him and headed towards the previous room. Snatching a shallow basin filled with water and the rag that was placed on her forehead, Min Yu returned to his room. He hasn't moved an inch and kept his gaze fixed on her. She knelt by his feet and removed his shoes, placing them carefully by the door. Then she proceeded to sit beside him and soaked the rag by the basin.

"What happened?" demanded the girl softly. She dabbed the rag by his face and when her hand brushed against his, her heart began to hammer inside her chest. He was so beautiful that she wanted to cry. She especially avoided his eyes, scared to get lost like what happened to Alice in Wonderland. The only difference was that Alice still came back to the real world. Min Yu was afraid she wouldn't be able to.

Donghae reached up and brushed a strand of hair away from her face. "They said you were sick." She couldn't lie. Her lips were bright red and her complexion looked drained and ghostly pale. Her teeth chattered occasionally but she cannot manage to keep her jaws clenched together tightly. "Why aren't you answering my question?" She asked instead.

"You must have let yourself get wet under the rain again, haven't you?" He mumbled with a hint of accusing in his tone. "What happened?" Min Yu drifted the topic away from her. "I told you to bring an umbrella. Everyday has been rainy. And why would you walk home, anyway?" muttered the man to himself, ignoring her statements. "You're having a fever, why don't you rest instead?"

"You said we would meet up," murmured the girl almost inaudibly and Donghae didn't say anything more. Min Yu kept silent, regretting that she had let things get the better of her. And the room was quiet for a while. From where they were, they could only hear the loud slamming and shutting of doors throughout the dorm. She would have to brace herself for the scolding later on.

The beautiful boy closed his eyes and slowly drifted off to sleep. But she kept dabbing the rag against his face even though it was already cleaned off of blood. She wanted to close her eyes, too, and fall asleep beside him. And she almost slapped herself for thinking so. She didn't want Sun Hye to blame her if ever Donghae goes back to sleeping on the couch.

Min Yu hated herself for being in his room for she knew she didn't deserve it. It only made her feel much worse. She was way past depression, and perhaps self-loathing was the right word. Because the love before the love wasn't there. And Donghae didn't have the love after the love. She pulled the sheets up to his shoulders and left, closing the room behind her.

~I think Min Yu's POV sounded kind of poetic because I just discovered Richard Siken's Crush and he has an amazing writing style too. Long update ☺