A Fool's Only Tears - Big Bang

Min Yu's POV

"We've been waiting in the same spot for two hours already!" I hissed through gritted teeth. Without another word, I ended the voicemail, furious over the turn of events ever since I stood in that line back at the diner. GREAT. The sun was beating down my face and it was already midway through the afternoon. Could this day get any better?

And the answer is obviously no. From the corner of my eye, Donghae was intently watching my every move, making my anger rise up above my head, my blood boiling dangerously. I could get stuck with Ryeowook or Kyuhyun or Sehun or Chanyeol all day, but instead I ended up with Donghae in the middle of the deserted park. Thank you very much.

Sinking down on the bench, I let out a tired sigh and as usual, a pair of eyes still observed me from behind. There was anger and irritation building up inside me, ready to burst, and Donghae' s mere presence just adds hate to everything. He desperately tries starting a conversation, and I only respond with a different tone, hoping he'll notice my current dilemma.

The gravel sounded under his feet as he trudged back and forth across the soil, obviously deciding whether to sit beside me or not. The muscles in my body tensed, ready to stand up or remain seated, depending on his decision. He should have known by now that I didn't plan to spend my afternoon -- possibly my evening -- with him. He should have known better.

And I was right. Donghae ended up sprawled lazily on the ground with his back pressed against his car and his right leg on top of his left. His eyes were squinting slightly, perhaps from the intense heat burning down on us. His dark copper hair matted across his forehead, caking in with sweat. But I go by the rules and I won't change my mind. I won't offer him the free space beside me.

The man said something, and it wasn't to himself. I shifted to fully face him, his expression clearly surprised. But he regained composure and repeated his words more clearly. "What's the baby's name?" he asked, obviously intrigued. Forcing myself to look away, "Hee Jin," I replied with my lips quirking. "She's really something." And I don't want her to be like me, I wanted to add.

"How old is she?" he prodded more, the curiosity taking the better of him. But I answer nonetheless. "Four...five months old?" I tilt my head to the side to rest on my shoulder, a stray lock of hair falling to cover my eyes. I instinctively tuck it behind my ear. Realizing I was breached and caught unguarded without him knowing -- or maybe he wanted to, after all -- I was prepared to drown out everything he will say next. Everything that comes from his lips would be plain white noise.

Noticing my phone being dead silent and unresponsive, I decided to bother one of the members again. Of course Eunhyuk wouldn't answer my calls, like a fifteen-year-old girl eagerly waiting for juicy gossips over the phone -- not that I wouldn't spill any details. There just wasn't anything to talk about. The next sane person was Siwon, and I pressed call.

"Choi Siwon. Please leave a message," then came the long, fury-inducing beep. When it sounded, I took a deep breath before relenting out and stressing periods after each word. I hated talking to the receiving machine, and I hang up immediately after my brief sermon. Expecting much from Siwon, who obviously never disappointed me in the past -- except when I first came in their dorm with him half- to welcome me, of course -- I drum my fingers impatiently on the wooden bench, eagerly waiting for his response.

A few, important minutes ticked by, and my expectations were evolving to be a gigantic, green-eyed monster. I fought the impulse to pull my hair out of its roots in frustrations. Lost in my thought, however, I hadn't noticed Donghae standing up from where he had been sitting. "If you really want to go home, I can just drop you off or something," he offered faintly. Oh, he was still alive?

I cringe at the sound of his voice, like the ghost of a person buried deep in my subconscious coming back to life. "No thanks," I assured him while typing up angered messages in shouty capitals for the members. If Hee Jin cries, would they know how to comfort her? Do they even know how to prepare a clean, acceptable -- not to mention safe -- bottle of milk if ever she gets hungry? The thoughts clam up my already sweaty palms.

Donghae took a sharp intake of air and I realized I've been ranting insensitively. But I won't take my words back. It was an implied satire, but hey, if the shoe fits him, why not? I stood up and paced around the area, giving him the chance to sit without my presence holding him back from doing so. But he doesn't sit, and we play the soundless you-first games again.

After bored grunts and kicking rocks and loud voicemails and alternate sitting, I sank on the bench, feeling quite tired and spent. I buried my face in my hands. "Just let me drop you off," Donghae offered out of the blue once again. I wanted to stand up and march away until he was out of my sight. I'd go back home and stick to routine. Then...what else?

I nod, and it was my subconscious taking over. Before I could protest, he has already opened the passenger door for me, but I wasn't as easy as I was before. Heading to the back seat, I opened the door for myself, earning me an exhausted exhale. Of course Donghae will get exhausted. He always has been. The man jogged to the driver seat and fired up the engine without putting his seatbelt on.

He started driving, with me watching him intently from the corner of my eye. Yes, he had finally learned how to maneuver his vehicle efficiently without threatening to kill his passengers, but with that came his sudden amnesia of basic safety measures. "So, when did you and Chunji get married?" asked Donghae, his voice uneven as if he was swallowing his own words.

I blink back while he stared at me from his rearview mirror. I grin widely and, unable to suppress my amusement, let out a careless laugh, to which he returned with a gaping look, like a person deprived of the punch line in a joke. "Did I say something wrong?" asked Donghae, puzzled. I shook my head, still bemused. "Who said Chunji and I were married?"

He was about to scratch his head in confusion, but suddenly remembered he was driving in the middle of a busy highway. "Well, it's because of the baby a while ag--" "She's my sister, Donghae." I explained as-a-matter-of-factly. "How did--" "Chun Hae has another family, remember? His first child was a boy, and now it's Hee Jin." I added, and he breathed a sigh of relief. I didn't understand what it was for.

He asked me a question but I gave him an unknowing shrug. "I don't know." I answered blankly as the tinted windows became an object of my interest. Donghae didn't say anything more, and kept his gaze straight ahead. A familiar row of neighborhood came into view at high speed, and the man went on an abrupt stop in front of a wall decorated with peeling paint.

Slightly shocked, I walk out the door without much ado and stood, frozen on the steps leading to my old apartment. "How did you open it?" It was my turn to ask, remembering quite well how I had left it during that last day. He doesn't answer and instead fumbled for his keys. There grew an awkwardness in his movements that wasn't there before. By any chance, was it my fault?

No, it isn't. We both ascended the porch, my each step filled with wonder. I needed some answers, and I knew, judging by the way his hands shook as they try opening the door and the way his eyes were out of focus, that he needs some explanations too. The silence was deafening, leaving me a noisy entrance to the place he now calls home.

He shut the door behind him and followed my little field trip. Everything was where I had left it, and everything was still a huge mess. "Why did you decide to move in here?" I asked, feeling quite guilty about how rudely I regarded his presence at the park. But it was all Eunhyuk's fault. His plans were tacky and irritating and obvious at the same time.

I could clearly hear his fidgeting behind me. What was making him so nervous? Was he afraid I would see something unexpected? Did he print my picture out and made use of it as a dartboard? Of course he hates me that much, and I won't be surprised if it's true. Instead of a dartboard, there was still the world map plastered on my wall -- now his.

My fingers travel from the Americas to Europe, down to Africa, back up to mainland Asia, dipping low just on the spot where Bangkok is. I'm surprised he hasn't ripped Thailand entirely out of the map yet. Yes, he must hate me that much. But he decided to live here, and I don't understand why that could be. I could feel Donghae's gaze probing the location of my fingertips.

"It felt cozy and warm when you used to live here so..." Donghae sounded uncertain. Of course he was. Maybe Sun Hye would burst in here any minute and see us. Of course she'll get mad. And I know I shouldn't be here, but my feet stayed where they are. There was tension slowly building up in between the darned proximity hanging empty.

My fingers were glued to the country and my eyes unconsciously closed, reliving hundreds of days ago -- and it seemed like eons to me. "Can I hold you?" asked Donghae out of nowhere. My eyes remained closed, however, and I wonder why I'm not surprised. Was I expecting this? Taking deep breaths to calm the outburst about to surge from my throat, I opened my eyes and spun around to face him.

He clasped his fingers together nervously but his expression was pleading. Please don't look at me like that. Tears were b on the rims of his eyes, threatening to fall at the reply I'm about to make. His lower lip trembled and he chomped it down, as if it would make him look any less weaker than he already seems to be. Voice shaking, "Why?" I managed to blurt out.

Slightly taken aback, Donghae's hand involuntarily reaches up to the back of his neck. "I'm sorry." He finally uttered and I shift my weight on my unsteady feet as I bargained on what to say next. "For what?" I demanded weakly. My subconscious screams at me. Is this what I had wanted? For him to explain? Did I want to believe? Again?

"For everythi--" "No, you can't take back everything you'd said before," I cut him off, suddenly b with newfound courage. Donghae kept his serene gaze on me. When he didn't speak, I continued, and the tears also commenced. They were hot and bitter along the rims of my eyes. "You can't undo everything you did to me. Everything you told me, everything you made me feel, every single thing you did...you can't tell me to forget about them."

I took a deep breath and resumed my composure as he stood, while choking on his own guilt. "And now you're telling me you're sorry." Tapping my foot on the carpeted floor, I disguised my emotions as self-righteousness. "Do you know how much I hated myself during those days?" I forced a laugh. "And to think, I tried to kill myself. Not to end my pain, but to end yours. I knew how much you hated me."

With his fists balled up, Donghae advanced forward and pulled me into his embrace. And though I tried pushing him away, he cried soundly against my ear. "I starved myself for food you didn't eat. I endured sleepless nights to give you gifts you didn't appreciate. I apologized for your own faults. I ran God knows how far just for you to tell me directly in my face that you don't need me anymore, as if I don't already know that," I cried against the crook of his neck.

He pressed me harder against him. But no kind of contact can make it up to me. "I did everything for you, Donghae," I sobbed, still defiantly -- yet weakly -- trying to push him away. "And how do you repay me?" Donghae stills, but he held me close, nonetheless. I hated this feeling. "You lie to me, you ignore me, you cheat on me, you push me away and act like you never cared for me at all. Like I never existed." And it was my turn to cry a little harder. "Like you never meant anything you've said before."

"Starting those days, I kept on repeating and repeating everything you told me in my head." I tried punching him, injuring both physical and emotional Donghae, but to no avail. "When you hurt me, I forgive you. When you lie, I pretend that I'm just plain stupid not to know." I took a deep breath. "That's just...that's all I know."

I used my knuckles as a makeshift handkerchief. "I don't blame you, though." And I let out a soft chuckle. "In fact, I don't think I can ever bring myself to blame you." There were tremors erupting from within his chest as he continued wallowing in his own misery. His free hand cradled the back of my head to rest against his shoulder while the other was encircled possessively around my waist. He was draped all over me like a silent call for arms.

Narrator's POV

"What more could you want from me?" Min Yu trailed off, feeling mortified and sympathetic at the same time for herself. Just the normal self-pity thing she does. "I'm not really smart. Right now, I don't have much in my pockets combined. And it sure is revolting when I see myself in the mirror. I know. I wouldn't choose myself either." Her moist hands were still and unmoving on either side of her hips.

Seemingly misguided, Donghae swallowed the nervousness down. It was the actual him talking, not the hormones pumping desire and want in his bloodstream with each pulse. "I don't want us to be strangers again," he started, almost pleading. He was breaching a soft limit by holding her tight despite her thrashing around and pushing him away. She had tried leaving before, and he let her. And look what it did to them.

The man longed to be held like this once more, like it was a silent prayer he had uttered before he went to sleep and after he rises in the morning. People have the basic need for somebody to talk to, for somebody who will listen, and for somebody who understands, and his grip around her hadn't loosen one bit. "Please don't be inlove with someone else," mumbled Donghae loud enough for her to hear. "Please don't have somebody waiting for you."

Waiting eagerly for her response, in his heart stirred quite a dangerous pain. "Come back to me and make everything better." Donghae couldn't help but expect after Min Yu had wrung her arm around his neck, pulling him impossibly closer, while her other hand busily rubbed her eyes. "I don't know." He shrugged and inched backwards to look her in the eyes, unpeeling his limbs around her. "I don't think I'll ever find anyone like you."

"Don't." The woman stepped back and used her hand to cover his mouth to keep him from saying anything more. "I don't want to be a part of your playtime anymore, Donghae." There was a generous thrill as she called out her name to him, and only then did he appreciate much of his own identity -- when she recognizes it. But the joy was replaced by confusion and angst even before it sank fully in his consciousness.

"It's anything but fun and games," he defended, trying to touch whatever part of her he can reach, but she was insistent on staying away. Trust was indeed highly expensive.

"Then what is it? Tell me so I can understand," Min Yu declared, wanting so badly to believe. The man in distress has his breathing ragged and erratic from sobbing. "It's a call for surrender. I'm not...I'm not strong enough."

Blinking back at the sudden loss of contact, Min Yu pursed her lips and let her arm fall back to her side like she wasn't even listening. Paralyzed. In a second, she wasn't on the same spot in front of the man who revealed himself to her. In a second, she was out the door, running out into the streets leading back to the place she called home -- or used to.

And it was a running-from-something-larger-than-yourself story. Min Yu was on the run from something more than her two hands can carry, just like what Chun Hae had done years ago after having his way with a fifteen-year-old on a dark alley. Halfway across the lawn in front of an abandoned duplex, she fell, knees first. Burying her face in her hands, she realized it wasn't the solution. Her running away only revealed thicker skin under the wounds cut open.

Donghae, however, had his mind working half in speed, the information loaded so slowly and he was left hanging before he knew it. Donghae ran his hand through his tousled hair and wondered if he had just let another chance go down the drain. Did he say something wrong? He also didn't know. Tears are the words the heart can't say, and maybe he just let them do all the explaining. "Of course she didn't want that," he mumbled exasperatingly.

But when a woman leaves, one just doesn't let her walk away. And that's what Donghae did. Before his front door swung back to its frame, he was aimlessly on the run. The man was ready to pour his heart out on the pavement like in a garage sale where Min Yu could make or break every single piece. He didn't want to feel helpless just letting her go. No, he didn't want to regret anything anymore. Not again.

Donghae stopped after some distance, his eyes scanning the perimeter. But he was blind, or so he knew, and only knew where she was at the sound of her muffled crying. He never knew quite what to say, but somehow he had to try. Advancing to her side, he plopped down on the spot near where she had folded in on herself in misery.

He opens his arms and pulls her close. His heart fluttered at the thought of him having some kind of purpose, and right now, he wasn't going anywhere. Spoiling himself in on the moment, Donghae inhaled a lungful of her and his head spun in an all-time fulfillment. But Min Yu was still deep in her own sorrows and he didn't want to.

"You can leave...if you want," he managed to say in between breaths. It was an offer he'd only utter once just because fear overtakes him at the thought of her answer. But if it was really what Min Yu wanted, of course he would do any means to make her happy, even if it meant painful stabs through his chest. When the woman didn't respond, "Do you want to leave?" he asked shakily.

Min Yu grabbed fistfuls of his shirt and buried herself deeper against him. "No." Donghae swallowed the knot blocking his throat as unwelcome tears pool once more in his eyes. And he draped his body over hers, limbs entangling, now as a victory flag, not that he wasn't happy with it. Donghae fell in love with his best friend -- not to mention that she's also his worst enemy -- and he hasn't been the same ever since.

~Why you guys not comment :( today is the first day of my semestral break so I have time to write more ☺