In Heaven - JYJ

Narrator's POV

The front door opened and in came the salvation the Super Junior member was waiting for -- to Eunhyuk that is. "Thank you. You don't know how much it relieves me that you came," he spoke hurriedly while putting his arm on the lad's shoulder. "He hasn't come out in days and he doesn't talk much either. It's not that I've forgiven him for you-know-what, but he's trying to kill himself," Eunhyuk added as his feet treaded the stairs.

Chunji wanted to say as-a-matter-of-factly that Min Yu tried doing that too, but he kept his mouth shut and his eyes focused on the closed bedroom door. "It's not that he doesn't talk," the older added, "But he just sits there and stares and looks out of his mind. And I know it's because she..." Eunhyuk hesitated, judging by his quick glance at the man beside him. "She left and now he's like this."

The two reached the top of the staircase and the older volunteered to open the door with one swift move. "Donghae?" called Eunhyuk out softly. Chunji stretched the sleeves of his sweater midway to his palm and clutched it tight. It wasn't cold, but the lad just braced himself for what he's about to see -- or hear. And maybe the sight of Donghae will bring back a feeling of nostalgia.

He couldn't quite make it out what the two best friends were saying, but after a while, Eunhyuk gestured for him to enter. His foot lifted up from its spot by the carpeted floor and followed a straight pattern in front of the other. When the Teen Top member finally had a glimpse of the interior of the room, Chunji knew he was well off and more composed than the man sprawled on the floor.

Donghae traced his finger around the mouth of a soju bottle and kept his gaze at the content. The liquid b from inside the glass was tempting him to lift it up to his lips and take a swig. "You know she won't be happy if she knows you started drinking," Chunji commented after closing the door behind him and sitting on the bed, careful not to crease his sheets.

Dear Donghae,

The man didn't lift his head up to acknowledge the other's presence, but he dropped his hand and let it fall to the side. His eyes were obviously tired, judging by the dark circles underneath each. When in the two weeks had he slept? He didn't quite remember. But Donghae clutched the notebook to his chest as if it were a part of him in the two weeks he was in solitude.

He rested his head on the bed post and the tears came again. They had done so for the part fourteen days, and didn't stop to give consideration. And the feelings ruined him. "I know what happened. You don't have to say anything," Chunji said in consolation because his hyung felt like he needed to explain or say something and ask him where she is.

Closing his eyes, he sighed as Chunji's presence brought him closer and closer to the realization that was already there. "Min Yu's never coming back, is she?" he stated, almost rhetorically, not wanting to hear the answer. Poor sad man. People don't realize what they have until it is taken away from them, maybe long enough just for them to learn their lesson, maybe forever. That he didn't know made Donghae feel more devastated.

He buried his face in his hands and drowned in remorse by himself. Chunji tapped the soles of his leather shoes on the floor and tried his best to man up and not cry. He knew how it felt like. He was feeling it now. "Min Yu..." he started, and the name left a bitter after taste on his tongue.”She was just the right blend of right and right." He rubbed his palms together. "I could find no wrong in her."

The other still didn't have the nerve to turn around and face the man by the bed. But something in his voice told him to listen, so that's what he did. "I remember one time I brought her to an arcade, and I worried she would have protested." Chunji smiled at the memory. "It was a school night, a Tuesday to be exact, but it was the first time I've seen her in two weeks, guestings and all. Min Yu, with a convincing frown, pointed to a pinball machine that was blaring the game's winning tune. 'Is it noisy?' I asked her. She shook her head no. 'The spelling's wrong,' she exclaimed."

I went to the doctor again today.

"I held her hand tight because there were a lot of people and I didn't want to lose her." There was pun intended on that one. "And of course I don't want her to be harmed. Leeteuk hyung trusted me. I was nineteen and she was fifteen, twenty and sixteen, twenty-one and seventeen, yada yada yada." Chunji picked on his fingernails. "She meant the world to me. She meant the world to me for eight years. I just wonder why she didn't mean anything to you after a year."

Donghae hugged his right knee close to his chest and rested his chin upon it. "I love her," said the man who, for the past few days, thought he couldn't live without her. It had been weeks. Min Yu was nowhere to be found. Donghae sat there on the floor of his bedroom, as he had done so since the night he came back from her apartment. He was still alive.

"You didn't, and you still don't," Chunji said with a hint of accusing. "I loved her and I still do," protested Donghae quietly by where he was seated. "You don't," the other repeated, his hands balled up into fists as he nursed silent anger inside him. "I do," the older repeated, trying his best in persuasion. "YOU DON'T LOVE HER, YOU NEVER DID. If you loved her, WHY WOULD SHE TRY TO KILL HERSELF?!" Chunji hissed back, his lungs about to burst any minute.

Using his knuckles to rub over his eyes, Donghae remained silently sobbing while the other stood up, almost panting. "You didn't know that, right? Only three people knew. Kai, Min Yu, and me. Were you too inlove to ask about the bandage on her wrist? No, of course you weren't the least bit intrigued. You loved her, alright. Very, VERY much."

Chunji's finger was pointed menacingly at Donghae, who didn't have the guts to face the Teen Top member. He opened his mouth to say something, but the feelings overpowered his being, causing him to fall on the floor, knees first. "I never got mad at you, hyung," he looked up, crying. "I never blamed you for anything because I knew she would hate me. I knew she cheated on me with you. I knew she slept with you. I knew she loved you." Donghae bit his lower lip in guilt. "But did you hear me say anything? Did I ever throw the first punch?" Chunji's voice was agonizingly pained.

The tests ran negative.

"Every night before she goes to sleep, I'd always tell Min Yu how much I love her," the man's lips upturned to a tight smile. "Every single night for eight years. Eight years, and she still doubted." He ran a hand through his hair. "Min Yu doubts everything." And the smile was gone as quickly as it came, preceded by a frown. "When was the last time you told her that, hyung?"

And Donghae asked himself the same question. When was the last time he had ever told her that sincerely? It was surely a long time ago, when the Donghae before wasn't guilty and just liked saying it out of the blue. Then Sun Hye came, like a tornado wrecking everything along the way. But she was gone at the moment, the only person on her side now hated her, and she just left, not that the group members noticed.

"Don't you know how much you ruined me, hyung? Don't you know how much you ruined her? We could have been married by now, and she won't run away and starve and get sick because I'll take care of her. Then we broke up, and you don't know how hurt I was. But I saw her happy with you, so I didn't change my mind." Chunji continued. "I didn't change my mind."

"As much as I want to punch you in the face right now because you deserve it more than you know, I won't. I don't want her to hate me. I don't want to break her trust. She made me promise to look after you in some way or another. That's what I'm doing now." Chunji sank back on the bed. "If Min Yu wasn't deserving of the reason, can you please tell me what you hated about her, that you just have to treat her like that?"

The man in question used the hems of his shirt to dry his cheeks. He stared at the empty wall in complete contemplation. "I love her." He sniffled as he spoke. "And I guess I was too contented and settled with the fact that she won't leave me, because that's what she said." Donghae's shoulders heaved tumultuously up and down. "But she did."

Again.

Tremor shook the two with different intensities, depending on how clean their consciences were. Donghae's was worse. "And I just wonder," he spoke suddenly. Wherever she was was his safe place on Earth and Donghae racked his brain for a clue on how to remain intact when he was falling apart. "How did you manage after all this time?"

Chunji pinched the bridge of his nose before responding and he asked himself the same thing. How did he manage? "I never managed," he admitted truthfully as he slowly laid on his back on the mattress. "It's not that I left her or that she left me." He closed his eyes, picturing in his mind the image of her when he urged her that day on the airport. "I just try to love her a little less every day."

He brushed away a forming tear that threatened to fall. "And you don't know how hard that is, especially if you're not ready." Chunji looked up, trying to prevent any more from spilling. "I wasn't ready." His other hand grabbed a fistful of the bed linen, controlling his emotions physically. "And I don't know when I'll ever be," he spoke with forced defiance to fake an act.

Donghae, meanwhile, laid on his back on the floor and kept his gaze steady. "Do you ever lay awake at night, staring at the ceiling, while you think about things you could have changed, things you could have made better, things you could have prevented from happening, and people you could have convinced to stay?" he wipes his tears with grave contempt.

The other counted backwards in his head, as if he hasn't memorized and kept close track of the time and the duration of that last phone call. "I know that feeling, hyung." Chunji sat upright and stretched the sleeves of his sweater farther from his palms to his fingertips. He wanted to blame Donghae and point his finger at him but they were both at fault. "I've been suffering through that phase for a whole year."

And I'm sorry. You don't know how much it pains me to know I can't give you what you want.

There was a shuffling sound by the carpet as the Teen Top member stood up, without any parting statement, and left. Donghae remained still and unmoving when the door swung back to its frame. It was refreshing having to talk to someone after a long time, but not if they were going to talk about the same thing that's gotten him silent. He would rather be mute.

"Min Yu." He recalled how his voice came out raspy from his throat during his last call, remembered how much he had cried, counted how many times he has tried opening the door of her apartment. "I can't sleep." It had been two weeks, and the statement was still factual in every way. "I can't eat." Well, except for the others trying and managing to keep him alive with food. But they all know it wasn't what he needed.

"I want you to come back. I need you to come back." He held the umbrella firmly in his hand while the other scanned through the pages of the diary. Donghae had been waiting for her outside the university, hoping just a glimpse of her would satisfy his yearning. But Min Yu never showed up, leaving Donghae to fend for himself. After five weekdays of waiting, he never chanced upon her. And he locked himself in his room.

He had grabbed fistfuls of his hair. "Sometimes I still fantasize about you answering one of my calls, telling me where you are so I can go there and be with you, see you. And then you're going to hold my hand and tell me you love me and that you're never going to leave again. I think about you and hate myself for what I did."

Then the Super Junior member finally remembered the monochromatic pictures tucked on the farthest corner of her diary, knowing quite well she was fighting the circumstances just to give him what he wanted: a child. A child she couldn't give. A child she didn't have at the moment. A child invisible in all of her ultrasound tests. He wanted to kill himself.

This was for when the time you told me you didn't need me anymore.

The two left the room with nonchalant expressions which turned grave after a handful of nurses towed a corpse covered in white sheets passed by in front of them. Donghae grasped her hand, pressing it close to his heart, and examined her face intently. Min Yu's gaze was fixed on something light years away. "Don't tell me you're scared," he dared teasingly.

This was for when I missed you.  

He led her to his parked car and opened the passenger door to make her enter. He jogged to the driver seat next and settled in beside her. Min Yu's face was still stern. Donghae started driving with a hand on the steering wheel while the other was encircled on her shoulders, pulling her closer. He had an inkling she was reliving one of her many traumatic experiences and felt the urgent need to make her feel otherwise.

This one fell accidentally when I heard your voice.

"So now you know what happens to people when they intentionally forget to eat their vegetables," declared Donghae informatively, to which Min Yu eased up. "And," the man held his finger up. "It's also an after-effect of drinking." He smiled while still focused on the road ahead. The girl stayed silent even after his argumentative statement. "What? Go ahead. Promise me you won't drink ever again and that you'll eat healthy foods from now on."

This one put me to sleep. 

Min Yu held her right hand up to swear. "Promise I won't drink again unless I see Donghae do something stupid that it makes me want to drink lots and lots of soju and get wasted and force him to take care of me," said the girl. After considering, "Reasonable," Donghae nodded to himself. "But where's the vegetable part?" he maneuvered the car to a halt at a stop light. "Still not eating~" she replied whimsically.

This was from when I wanted you to take care of me when I was sick.

"Stubborn as ever," he let out a sigh. "What would you do if I died?" she challenged. Donghae pressed on the accelerator when the light turned green again. "I always think like that, like you're going to leave me the next day and I won't ever see you again, so I make sure we don't waste minutes fighting and arguing about something so petty. If you do leave, or die -- as you put it, I won't have to regret anything," he responded sincerely.

The man got up from where he lay on the floor with renewed determination but for the wrong reasons. Donghae's mind was made up at his hasty, yet practical solution. Objective? To make Min Yu come back to him. To tell her he's been wrong the whole time. To convince her that he was the one at fault. Solution? He advanced to his bathroom and yanked open the medicine cabinet. Popping open the bottle of sleeping pills, "Cheers," he muttered to himself in front of the mirror before downing the contents.

This was for when I saw you and Sun Hye kiss. 

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