Going Crazy - Song Jieun

Narrator's POV

Day 310

When he finally found her, he doubted if he was already too late. There were flecks of blood foaming by the corners of and her labored breathing seeped its way in his eardrums, ready to taunt him at night before he manages to sleep. The mirror was broken and the shards of glass were all over the floor. The plot was completed in his mind as he tried to think objectively.

It was the first time after a while that he was seeing her again, and he was greeted by a terrifying sight. But he wasted no time in picking her up by the floor. Her slashed wrist was pressed against his chest, her blood beginning to stain the front of his plaid, button-down shirt. He couldn't bring himself to think that she would ever consider killing herself, or maybe she was just desperate.

He shook his head, trying to clear his mind off of the hysteria starting to creep up on him before it gets the upper hand. With that thought, he dashed out once again, carrying her broken-down body in his arms and back to his car. After laying her gently on the passenger seat, he shoved his key hastily, the engine immediately humming to life. His foot floored the accelerator, the life-and-death matter becoming clearer by the second.

More than once, his clammy palms slipped off the steering wheel, making him curse himself because of his trickling perspiration. Meanwhile, the girl stared back at him, almost lifelessly. "You shouldn't have come," she whispered breathily, each word gasping for air. The man concentrated on balancing his duty to keep her alive and to maneuver his car as it weaved through moderate traffic.

He ignored her statement and cursed himself for the stop light. And now he had to stop. Even idols were no exception to traffic regulations. The man drummed his fingers impatiently on the dashboard. The metallic odor of blood reached the air vents, making the smell circulate throughout his car. The girl sighed and closed her eyes. "I'm going to die before we reach the hospital."

"Don't say that." He snatched the sharp piece of glass from her hand. And, this time, tears brimmed his eyes as he fumbled for the hems of his shirt, tear the cloth with the instrument she had used to slash her damned wrist. He knew it wouldn't do much help, but he wrung the torn pieces of cloth around her wrist to stop the bleeding. There wasn't much time left, and they both knew it.  He leaned closer and her cheek. "We're almost there, okay? Don't give up on me and stay alive." 

When the lights turned green, he focused on the road again. His vision blurred with the tears that kept on coming. He hated this feeling, the feeling of helplessness, anger, and regret. The burden eased a bit as the sight of the hospital came into view. Parking his car like a drag racer, he exited the driver seat and carried her out of the vehicle.

The man didn't realize that he was creating a scene, but it wasn't his motive at the moment. His hand crept up to brush a strand of hair away from her face. The girl in his arms coughed, more blood bubbling out of her lips. Once he got through the doors, he headed to the emergency ward and laid her gently down a vacant bed. She held a finger up to her lips. "Tell them it was an accident."

And the man only nodded assuringly. And, with all the strength she could manage, "Do you think I'm pretty?" she asked softly, to which the man smiled. He pressed his tear-stained cheek against her forehead. "Very." Contented, the girl had a small smile painted across her lips as nurses began to flock around her. They towed her bed away from him, eager to save her life.

That morning...

The only thing missing was him shoving the papers down . "I'M NOT CONTENTED!" yelled the experienced man. The work was obviously made without process and hastily done. He crossed his arms over his chest and waited for a reasonable explanation from the girl seated on the swivel chair. “I'm sorry," Min Yu's head was kept low. "It won't happen again. I swear."

Unimpressed, the editor-in-chief snorted. "That's what you said last week." He threw the papers across her desk angrily. "I'll do better," the girl tried as the man stomped his way to the door. "We'll see." When he was completely out of the room, Min Yu cupped either sides of her face. "Concentrate. Get your head in the game. Focus," she muttered blankly as her fingers flew to the keyboard.

And as she had been doing for the last few years, after work, she headed to the university, running almost a few minutes late for her first class. Being welcomed by the professor's taunting glares, she took a seat at the farthest row of the room. Her fingers ached while busily scribbling down important notes from today's lesson. But she kept shut of the complaints surging from deep within.

To sum it all up, the day hasn't been any good to her, not that she wasn't used to it. "It's just a bad day, but not a bad life," Siwon always told her. "But," she wanted to contest. "What if it happened every single day for almost a year? Was it still just a bad day?" She puffed her cheeks and hoped for something good to happen. But she couldn't think of any after her stomach grumbled, as if she could do anything about it. Her pocket was empty.

After class, she ducked down and stuffed her books one by one inside her bag. "Ms. Park?" The Constitutional Law professor approached her bent-over figure slowly. "Annyeonghaseyo," Min Yu stood upright and greeted him cheerfully with utmost respect. The man pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose. "I would just like to talk to you about your performance this semester," he started casually.

Min Yu fought back a wince. "What about it?" she urged him on. "Don't get me wrong," the man shuffled papers in front of his face. "There's nothing wrong with your grades. You're one of my brightest students, actually." He let out a shaky laugh. The girl wasn't sure if he was being sarcastic or sympathetic. "But you always miss classes. That's the thing."

"You know how crucial that is in law school, right?" he continued when she nodded. "And it's already your third year. A few more weeks and it'll be your fourth. I hope we're clear on this matter." The man paused. "What do I have to do?" demanded Min Yu. "You have to take classes over the vacation. I'm stressing on the 'have', because you have no other option, unless you don't want to become a professional," stated the professor.

She, in turn, shrugged it off. "I will. Thank you for telling me," she shook the professor's hand. The old man smiled. "I know you're also working, but it's just that--" "I understand, really," Min Yu cut him off reassuringly. "And you're old enough. There must be no problems at home, yes?" he added curiously. Min Yu, suddenly remembering her troubles with Donghae, let go of the man's hand. "None. None at all."

Min Yu's POV

Yanking the closet doors open, I scratched my head at the sight of his unorganized clothes. I sighed and segregated my clothes from his before shoving my stuff into my bag. They were of no use anymore unlike the times whenever I would stay in Donghae's room overnight. My pictures weren't stuck on his wall anymore. He must have taken them off a long time ago.

With my heart feeling heavier, I shut the doors closed, my eyes widening as a small item fell on the floor. When I bent down to pick it up, the door opened. Before I could ask him as to why he has it, Donghae snatched the from my hands. "What are you doing here?" he asked suspiciously while I turn to face him. He sounded angry so I shifted my gaze away from his face.

I opened my mouth to speak but hesitated after he towered his arms on either side of me, cornering me against the cabinet. "I ju-just w-wanted to t-take some of my s-st-stuff..." I stammered like the fool I am. He grumbled unintelligible words before slamming his fist repeatedly against the wall. "M-mianhae," I slowly reached down to get my bag and leave.

He glared at me with an intensity that held me back and I froze. His balled up hand hung in the air, threatening to hit me in the face, to which I closed my eyes tight as if bracing myself for the next thing he was about to do. It's funny how the people who promised never to hurt us end up being the ones who hurt us the most. It was so funny that I want to laugh. Laugh and laugh and laugh until I cried.

"Hey guys, have you se--" Eunhyuk's head appeared from the door. He stalled as he saw what he was looking for in Donghae's hands and quickly took it away. "I kept it here." He muttered to himself with a satisfied look on his face. After accomplishing his purpose, he walked out of the door, shutting it close behind him. Donghae sighed and closed his eyes. "See? It's not mine."

The man backed away slowly, and I could feel his eyes scrutinizing the expression on my face. I didn't realize I was crying until he wiped a drop of tear away. I cringed away from his touch and slung the bag over my shoulder, determined to leave the room in long strides. Could this day get any worse? I hope not. I think it's already at its worst.

Running out of the dorm, I nearly cursed out loud when I realized it wasn't raining. Damn it. And I was getting less and less important everyday when even nature wasn't cooperating. I marched down the street, crossing intersections with self-pity, and ending up in the middle of my bathroom. The reflection in front of me was a disgrace: pale, vulnerable, unsightly, unnoticeable, and most of all, unrecognizable. No wonder Donghae didn't care for me anymore.

Everybody's life must have been better off if I hadn't existed at all. Omma wouldn't have to grow up so quickly because she wouldn't have been pregnant at the age of 15. Chun Hae wouldn't have wasted months of his life inside a cold jail cell. Leeteuk wouldn't have to suffer lots of headaches because I won't be there to bug him. It will be a beautiful life for them.

Who said suicide was cowardly? It takes tons of courage to knot a rope and hang by the neck. It takes precision and experience to load a gun, it, aim it against the head, and pull the trigger. It takes determination and strong will to keep the eyes closed as a person jumps off a high building. It takes a brave heart to take one's own life.

It only took one strong punch for the mirror to break into tiny little pieces, each shard clinking as it fell down the sink. The glass reflected everything in sight as it was all over the place. And blood ran down from my knuckles to my arm, with the pain springing up seconds later. Everything wasn't where it was supposed to be, and even I myself was lost.

Omma, please don't blame yourself for this. It's not your fault that I didn't turn out the way I expected to. I didn't want to bother your happy life, because I know you deserve it. I'm sorry I'm not as brave as you are. As Donghae used to say, things got out of hand. There have been so many things going on at the same time and I only have two hands.

Staring at the broken pieces, the largest shard caught my eye and I picked it up from the floor. My hand unconsciously wrapped around the sharp edges, aiming on my wrist before leaving a red, angry line across. There. It did the trick. I didn't feel much anymore and it was good. My throat felt raw. It didn't take long before blood came gushing out from my mouth.

Eunhyuk-ah, you don't have to worry about me anymore. Get yourself a life. I still haven't taken you to Lotte World yet, but maybe someone else will take you there. Please take care of yourself like how you have taken care of me. I might not say this as often but thank you. And by now, if you ask me again, yes, you are the best dancer I've ever known.

I leaned against the bathroom door, waiting for the time I'd finally be able to close my eyes and drift off somewhere no one would be able to leave open doors and nobody can call my name. My slashed wrist rested weakly on my lap as I skidded down to sit by the tiled floor. It was nearing. The thick haze was beginning to take over. Each pulse grew weak and slow and I could feel so.

What was so wrong to blather about joy and rainbows and princesses and happy endings and someone staying unconditionally? Maybe it was the reason why I had to suffer through minutes while waiting for the time to pass by. And I forgot to write a suicide note, but I know it will never be read anyway. L.Joe said no one would care if I was pretty, or dying, or really important. And I was none of the above.

Min Young-ah, please don't grow up to be like me. Unnie is very wrong in the first place. I was unplanned, do you know that? I hope you grow as a much better person that your sister was. Did you also know I was a bad person? Bad people push their loved ones away, and I'm sorry if I haven't been much of a friend to you. As I told you, unnie is a bad person. Please don't grow up like me.

My phone rang so suddenly, and it was a struggle fishing it out of my pocket. When I had finally managed to, it was Kai. "Y-ya, Kim Jongin," I felt a sly smile spread across my blood-stained lips. "Whether you like it or not, I'm going to surprise you!" he stated and, realizing what he has just said, laughed at himself. "Okay, okay. Now you know that I'm about to surprise you."

I kept my mouth shut and silent. Breathing was becoming forceful and tiring, so saying anything was a challenge in itself. "Hi! Are you still there, best friend?" Kai called out loudly against his phone's receiver. Saliva mixed with blood got caught up in my throat, making me choke through my own fault. And the blood came out uncontrollably, anyway. "Hey, are you okay in there?" asked the man with a hint of worry in his voice.

Fighting back a yelp of pain, "I'm fine," I replied through gritted teeth. As soon as I said it, I knew I had said the wrong thing. A long pause commenced before Kai started talking again. "I'm coming," he stated like an order. Before I could protest, he already hung up on me. I let the phone fall down from my shoulder to the ground. Well then, I guess I just have to die before he gets to where I am.

Narrator's POV

His hands were tangled together nervously as he paced back and forth in front of the emergency room. Kai couldn't do anything about the matter. He was the guy who keeps his promises, and he had promised to keep it a secret. But the suspense was killing the EXO-K member. He had no one to share his worries with. And at last, as if his prayers had been answered immediately, the doors opened and a doctor came out.

"How is she? Park Min Yu? Is she okay now? Will she be able to wake up? Did she lose a lot of blood? What is her blood type? If she's type A, I could surely donate my own blood. How much do you need? I think I can do about a liter. Do you take that much? Please take as much as she needs--" "Please calm down first," the doctor cut him off from his panic attack.

He breathed calmly at the doctor's instruction. Inhale. Exhale. "So? How is she now?" he demanded impatiently. It didn't matter to him if the hems of his shirt were torn, making him look like a homeless person. "Before I answer that, did she try to kill herself?" asked the man in the white lab coat. "No!" Kai exclaimed in defense. "I saw it with my own two eyes. She was trying to fix her bathroom mirror and she got cut." He lied convincingly.

"Well then," the doctor scanned through his clipboard. "She has a low blood pressure. I don't think she's been eating that much the past few days, so we hooked her on an IV. She lost blood, but not that much. We stitched her wrist and fortunately, no blood vessel or muscle was damaged. If she wakes up, she can leave. But if there ARE problems though, you can set her up for a psychiatric checkup," he explained.

Swallowing all the words and absorbing them in his mind for later use, Kai only nodded and laid a hand on the doctor's shoulder. "Thank you." He muttered sincerely before the man walked away. Relieved, Kai sank down on a bench by the door. He rested his head against the wall and wondered whether he might be able to sleep that night.

After he had hung up on her that afternoon, he jogged to where his car was and started the engine. It was only when his tires hit the road that he remembered that he didn't know where she lived. Wisely enough, he didn't ask Donghae for directions. Who knows, Donghae might give him the address to his fist? And so he turned to Eunhyuk, who might probably share his dilemma.

It didn't take him long before he found the apartment, and he kicked the front door open when he realized it was locked. He knew Min Yu's 'I'm fine' thing too well like it was the choreography to their songs. And then he found her. He let out a sigh after remembering how she looked like, how much blood was on the floor, how many pieces of glass there were...

The doors of the emergency room burst open once again, this time, with the nurses towing a bed. He immediately stood up and followed. The girl still had her eyes closed, and at once, Kai doubted if she was about to be brought to the morgue. "Will she be fine now? How long will it take before she wakes up?" he turned to one of the staff. "She'll wake up within the next 24 hours," was her only reply.

The wheels of the bed went round and round against the immaculate floor. He trailed behind the flock of medical professionals until they came to a halt in front of a room. Kai entered after them, watching as they effortlessly attached several tubes up the spidery veins in her arm, checked for her blood pressure, and made sure the IV dripped down the tube at the correct pace. Afterwards, they all left.

For a blank moment, he only sat on a lone chair and laid his eyes upon her lying on the bed. He dragged his chair nearer until it reached the bedside and busied himself debating on the time. Soon, it will grow dark outside and he can't be seen with her especially at night. The monsters had wide, eagle eyes, perfect for finding flaws and mouths which create a narrative of their own. And Min Yu would want to die again.

Her left wrist was bound tight by a thin gauze, so didn't have to bother about it bleeding anymore. His shirt was still in a pitiful condition, but right now, it wasn't his concern. Kai was relieved, most of all, for her normal breathing and her alive heartbeat unlike the condition on how he found her. It was driving him crazy, her pained, irregular breathing. And this time, she was alright...just sleeping.

Before her fingers twitched, signaling she was awake, Min Yu already had her eyes open and she sat up hastily. "Where am I?" she winced as the needles under her skin moved together with her arm. Kai held her by the shoulders and forced her to stay still. "You're in the hospital, silly. You were awake when I brought you here, remember?" he replied with a hint of scolding.

She glared back at him with a fiery gaze. "I want to go home," she stated defiantly. Kai took his previous spot by the chair and rested his chin on his propped up hand. "No," he responded, as if he knew she was about to say that. "Well, why not?" Min Yu whined in demand. "Who knows, you might continue your unfinished business after I leave?" His eyes widened.

At his statement, Min Yu kept quiet. "You haven't told me what made you punch the bathroom mirror and pick up a shard to cut yourself," Kai proceeded to focus on the topic. "I don't want to talk about it," she sighed and shifted her gaze towards the empty space. "Well, I want to. If you don't want to, I'll tell the doctor you committed suicide," he threatened.

The girl covered his mouth with her hand. "Fine!" She weakly smacked his head, to which he chuckled in amusement. "I'll tell you, IF..." she held her forefinger up to bargain.”What?" Kai arched an eyebrow mockingly. "Let's get out of this stupid hospital," Min Yu looked down at her hospital gown with a disgusted face, remembering quite well how often she had been in and out of hospitals.

"Let me get this straight," said Kai as they walked across the street and towards his parked car. "HE WANTED TO PUNCH YOU?!" And Min Yu grabbed his arm to prevent him from pulling the grass out of the soil and pulling his hair out of its roots in absolute anger. "Why the HELL would you still stay? The man was literally about to leave you a black eye!" Kai exclaimed breathlessly.

The girl waited for his breathing to become regular before she said anything. From afar, both of them could already see the car they've been looking for. And as Kai fumbled for the keys in his pocket, Min Yu stood still. "That's why I tried to kill myself," she mumbled softly. The man snatched a glance from her before opening the door to the passenger seat. "If you don't want to stay, then you leave, not kill yourself," he stated as-a-matter-of-factly.

He wound the seatbelt around him and waited for her to do the same. Kai was thankful that the stench of blood was no longer evident and that she was full of life, not that she tried to end it just moments ago. He started to drive aimlessly, "Are you hungry?" asked Kai. Min Yu didn't answer and kept her eyes on the road ahead instead.

"Ya," he gave her a light nudge. Min Yu almost threw a tantrum and pushed his hand away. "If you died, would you have possibly visited me at the dorm? You know, flicked the lights on and off just like in horror movies?" Kai suggested. He smiled when his aim was reached and Min Yu laughed. "I'd join you in every picture," she rode in. Kai snorted. "Eh~ I bet you'd watch me take a bath..." To which Min Yu shook her head. "Babo."

"You know I haven't really told anyone about what happened," Kai declared proudly. "Good." Min Yu nodded, impressed. He chewed on his fingernails. "But I really think the hyungs should know!" he defended. When she didn't respond, he thought it was a cue for him to keep talking. "Especially Hyukkie hyung. I mean, nobody but me knows what happened. Don't you think that's unfair?"

When he turned to look at her, she was already fast asleep, her head resting against the tinted window. Kai smiled to himself and tried his best to maneuver the car smoothly so as not to disturb her. He drove through the busy road until he found himself on the same street he had been on a while ago, although this time, he wasn't in a hurry.

Kai parked the car in front of the house with the peeling paint and dutifully carried the girl out of the vehicle. Kicking the car door close, he walked up the porch slowly, eyeing each step as if one wrong move might earn him a groan from the sleeping Min Yu. "Aigoo," he muttered to himself as he realized that the front door had been open since they left.

He entered and laid her down on the bed, tucking her in before taking her shoes off. Kai clutched his chest and took a deep breath, bracing himself before he advanced to the bathroom. He faced one of his greatest horrors as he tried to clean off the broken pieces and wash off the blood. He sprayed air freshener all over the place, making sure the bathroom smelled like lemons before he left.

The EXO-K member made himself comfortable on the couch. But then the matter was already decided. He would stay for the night...or at least until dawn. He didn't want to create a misunderstanding. Fishing his phone out, there were eight unanswered calls and sixteen unreplied texts. But he ignored them and scrolled through his contacts. Finally finding what he was looking for, he quickly pressed the phone to his ear. "Yoboseyo?" answered Chunji. And then Kai's tears escaped from his eyes uncontrollably. "Hyung, she tried to kill herself," he whispered softly.

~Coincidentally, when I started writing this, it was Suicidal Awareness Day (09-10-12) To any of you, please don't EVER try to hurt yourself. And this is kind of my tribute for those victims during 9/11 -min_neulmi