A/N:

WARNING!!!!
This chpater I wrote... I was listening to LEEHI's "Dream" the whole time... I was also listening to Seungri's "In My World" and 2NE1's "MISSING YOU." Though... Most of the time I was listening to "DREAM." That's why the title of the chapter is called Dream.

In this chapter (I'm just gonna warn you about a few things)...
Daesung is feeling that maybe he shouldn't have gone into hiding.
He does go to the funeral in this chapter... That's why it is so long...

I CRIED A LOT writing this chapter... It is very sad. I kept thinking about my high school friend who passed away last march. It seemed like just yesterday we graduted while in reality, at the time of his death, we had already been graduated from High School for almost 3 years. It was a very difficult time and it took a lot for me to not bust out crying, in the middle of the library at my college, writing this. I hope you all feel something...

I want you all to know that whoever you are hating a lot right now... I don't know what you are doing to them... yelling at them, hating them because of who they are... maybe they made a mistake and you cursed them out... You tell them you don't love them anymore... but just know this... I am sure they still love you... Even when you don't love them anymore.

I encourage you all to re-think everything and look at the positives and forgive whatever has happened. Love that person... always make amends... because... you don't know the future... you don't know what could happen. Your last words to your brother, sister, daughter, son, bestfriend, cousin, etc... could be something hurtful... and you as a person may hate yourself for it... and will always wonder why did you say that. Never go to bed made at somebody because in the morning, they could be gone.

Please... just... listen here... I know this is only a fanfic but I wrote this with my emotions and everything here really hurt me... How could someone hate somebody because of their uality... It is wrong. I am a Christian and I could care less if someone was gay or straight. That is them to make that decision of who they want to be... Just love them for them and not what they are.

*YOU WILL CRY while reading this. I wrote this and I cried... I had to hold the tears back a lot because I was in public. 

This chapter is in memory of my Older Sister who passed away 7 years ago this coming staurday "Jan. 18th." She was bestfriend and it hurts to not have her here. I was the last person to ever talk or see her before she died and that hurts. She was only 18 years old and about to graduate High School. I was only a freshman in highschool and only 14 years old. Yes I know it's not a long time to know somebody, but to me back then... it was my whole life. 

This is also in memory of my High School friend who was killed last March. I found out a couple of days after he was killed and I couldn't stop crying. I remember my dad came into my room and hugged me. So did my mom. My dad walked out of the room crying to my mom saying "How can I comfort my own daughter."

Those were two difficult times for me and I put my emotions from those two difficult times into writing this chapter and I hope you enjoy it.

Thank you~

WITHOUT THAT XX

Chapter 38

Dream

[Daesung’s POV]

‘I hate you! I hate everything about you! I don’t like who you are or what you’ve become!’

‘What have I done to deserve this pain you have put me through?! I am still the same person! Nothing about me has changed except for my interests! Why can’t you see that! Why can’t you stand me being happy?!’

‘No one loves you. No one knows you. You are a ghost to them. You are somebody who doesn’t deserve to be alive. When you are dead they won’t care at all. They’ll just adopt a new son. They’ll praise and celebrate and throws parties in honor of the man who killed you.’

‘What was that all about Daesung?’

‘I told them everything hyung… everything… They hate me…’

‘Daesung…’

Please don’t look away from the road…

I’m making a huge mistake right now…

I wish I just had the guts and courage to come out sooner…

I wish I could have been stronger.

WHO AM I?

I opened my eyes and looked around me. I was in the car. When did I fall asleep?

I looked at Bom noona who was driving and Seunghyun was talking to her from the passenger’s seat.

I rubbed my eyes and shook my head.

Seunghyun turned a little bit in his seat. He was wearing a black suit. Bom noona was wearing a black dress.

“You’re awake?” Seunghyun asked.

“Neh…” I just looked at him.

Bom looked at me through the rear-view. “As soon as you got into the car you passed out.” She laughed softly.

“Funny thing is… I don’t remember even walking to the car” I replied in a soft voice.

Seunghyun laughed. “Maybe… you’re just really nervous about today… Which by the way Bom… Are we almost there?” He asked her.

“Look at the GPS stupid… Does it say we’re almost there…” Bom snapped at him.

Seunghyun gave her a look. “I want youuu to tell meee… Not some computerized directional woman…” He crossed his arms.

“Yes Seunghyun… we’ll be there in a few minutes. It’s not like it’s at Daesung’s house… It’s at the church in Incheon…” Bom explained to him.

“Oh rightttttt…” Seunghyun looked through his phone…

“Were you even listening to me?” She asked.

“Huh? Oh yeah I was.” Seunghyun replied looking at her.

“Okay then… What did I say...” She muttered pulling up at a stop light.

“Um….” Seunghyun looked at me in the mirror on the sun visor. I looked at him and sighed and then looked away. He frowned.

“Well… I’m waiting…” She looked at him.

“Okay okay… I wasn’t listening…” She looked at her scared.

She gave him the nastiest look ever. I thought she was going to hit him but the light turned green and Seunghyun sighed with relief.

A few minutes later my stomach dropped and I felt cold. We were here… I saw family members walking into the church as we pulled into the parking lot.

“Okay so… The doctor called while you were sleeping Daesung… He said they had a John Doe in the morgue who looked almost exactly like you… They’re using his body in place of yours for the funeral… Cause… Your parents wanted an open casket…” Bom explained as she parked.

“It’s so weird… Someone else who looked like you died also…” Seunghyun shook his body as if he got the chills.

I looked at him and then at Bom. “How did he die?” I asked her.

“The doctor never said.” She sighed. “Just be thankful… that it’ll be even harder to figure out you’re still alive. Oh! You’ll be wearing this beanie… and these nerdy glasses.” She handed me the two things.

“For what?” I asked

“Just for a little disguise.” She smiled and fixed her hair.

“But I thought my look-a-like… was going to be the disguise just now?” I looked at her confused as I put the beanie and glasses on.

“Yeah but… Just put the stuff on…” She said opening the door and getting out.

I watched her get out and then looked at Seunghyun who looked at me.

“Are you ready for this?” He asked me.

I sighed sadly and nodded a little bit. “Neh…”

We both got out of the car and walked over to Bom. Seunghyun held hands with Bom and they slowly walked. Seunghyun was still in a little pain physically… and… I was still in pain everywhere…

We walked up the steps… I was passing by family members who were just standing there crying, family members who were walking out of the church because they couldn’t stay in there. I saw some of my childhood friends in the church as we walked in. I saw some of my cousins and aunts and my uncle who was my doctor when I broke my arm. I saw everyone… Then… I… I saw Min and Seungri… CL, Minzy and Dara… They were sitting down in the front row. Min and Dara were sitting there crying, Seungri just sat there with tears in his eyes, CL and Minzy were hugging each other crying. I looked around some more and saw my mom and dad… My mom was holding onto the casket and on the floor… She was crying hysterically. My dad stood there trying to be strong. Next to them was Bora and Youngbae… She was crying and Youngbae was holding her.

We walked up to Seungri and the others and they stood up. Seungri instantly hugged Seunghyun and then that’s when the tears started coming down. Minzy and CL got up and ran over to Bom. I just stood there. I wanted to cry. I held it in. I couldn’t cry… I couldn’t… I just couldn’t…

I looked around… around at all the people crying.

“What am I doing…” I said to myself underneath my breath.

“Guys… This is Hyungjun… one of Daesung’s classmates” Seunghyun said looking at me.

I just looked at them and saw the pain in their eyes. They nodded to me and I quickly bowed. We made our way to my parents. Seunghyun shook my dad’s hand but he pulled Seunghyun into a hug. Bom just did a polite smile at Bora. I just stood there… looking at them all. Seunghyun then hugged Youngbae… I took that chance to look at my mother… She was still crying hysterically. I started to feel the tears fall down my cheeks.

Again I say… “What am I doing…” I wanted to bend down and tell her it’s not real…! It really isn’t real! I’m still alive..! I… just couldn’t… I needed to know… But I have everything I needed! They do miss me!

I started to move my hand towards my mom… I just wanted to touch her shoulder or her arm… I just wanted a hug from her.

My dad placed a hand on my shoulder and smiled at me. “Were you one of Daesung’s friends?” He asked.

I just nodded. “Neh.” I said bowing a little bit. My mom looked up at us, still crying. She slowly stood up and looked me in the eyes. She placed her hands on my cheeks.

“How… Close were you to my son?” She said crying.

“I was one of his only friends.” I said trying to not cry. “I sometimes doubted him and I don’t know why. He told me his problems… Things he never said his… closest friends. He… He told me he… thought he was crazy and… that no one would… L... Love him because he was gay.” I said breaking my sentences to catch breath before the tears fell.

Seunghyun looked over at me.

“You sound just like my son.” She said doing that smile that people do when they cry. She kept her hands on my cheeks. “I loved my son… no matter who he was. What he was becoming was all him… but… I still loved him because he was my baby.”

I couldn’t hold the tears in any longer… They started to fall down my cheeks. I looked down at the ground as I started to sob. I wanted to hug her so bad. I just… I just wanted to feel her warmth again…

I wrapped my arms around her and hugged her…

“I just want you to know… That Daesung always loved you… He loved everyone… even if they didn’t love him back.” I said crying as I hugged her.

My dad looked at the ground as he started crying a little more. Youngbae was looking at us as I hugged her… He looked at the ground. Bora cried more when I said that ‘I loved everyone… even when they didn’t love me back.’ That hurt her a lot because the last thing we ever did was get into an argument.

I pulled away from my mom and she gave me a kiss on the forehead. I smiled and bowed a little at her. I turned back to face Seunghyun who smiled a little. Youngbae shook my hand.

“Annyeong.” He smiled at me. I smiled back.

The pastor came out and walked in front of the casket.

We slowly made our seats as he started speaking.

I just sat there listening to him talk, hearing everything that he had to say… about me.

I could still hear people crying around me. I was trying to be strong and not cry, but I couldn’t hold it in. When we got up to go walk up to the casket I froze… I saw someone, I wish I hadn’t seen.

I just stood there and looked around. He then looked over at me and we caught eyesight. I quickly moved from the crowd and ran out of the worship hall and to the bathroom. I quickly walked in and closed the door and locked it.

“How did he find out about this” I said to myself. I leaned against the door and slid down until I was sitting on the floor. I started to cry again.

“Love is painful, this I know… To move on it is hard...
Everyone turns their backs saying, ‘I told you so.’
I’ll go into my own world now… Searching for you I will say…
I’ll just wait for… You too return to…
I’m so sorry that I can’t give… you everything that you ever wanted from me.
I’ll just pray for… you to come back to me.
All this pain and suffering hurts
But to realize that this is only just a…. dream.