Happy readingg~

Ever since the whole paralysis thing happened, I’d find myself in random bouts of depression that I just couldn’t explain.

Tonight was one of those nights.

Right after class, I told James that I was just gonna go back to my apartment and chill for awhile. He was used to these nights ‘cause I’d ditched him quite a few times in the two months we’d known each other, but he knew that all I needed was some time to think everything through. So he told me not to stress out too much, dropped me off at my door, and bid me goodnight, heading over to his own apartment. I sighed, watching him walk away, and turned to unlock my door, heading inside.

“Uki! The toothpaste cap is still not on the damn toothpaste tube!” I head Brittane yell the instant I shut the door.

“Not tonight, Brittane,” I said emotionlessly.

Brittane’s also learned not to mess with me when I fell into these moods. One look at my face, she immediately shut and backed away into her room again, shutting the door on me. I walked into my own room, shutting and locking the door. After changing into a comfortable pair of sweats and oversized T-shirt, I crawled into bed and buried myself under my blankets, not even bothering to take my laptop out. I’m sure Donghae’s gotten used to these moments as well. There were at least six times that I didn’t Skype him in the past two months, and even though I’d never explained to him why, he never asked the next day so I assumed that he was smart enough to figure it out.

I sighed deeply and began thinking. I hated it when I fell into these moods, partially because I could never figure out why I was in one of these moods, so I’m determined to discover the root of this problem because I’m sick and tired of feeling depressed all the time. I looked at my right arm.

There.

I’ve indentified the problem.

…

Now what?

I sighed again and turned myself so I was lying on my back, staring up at the ceiling. My paralysis wasn’t the only thing that was making me so sad all the time. Truth was, despite all the times we’d get into a fight, despite all the times I’d call them idiots and never want to lift another finger for them, despite all the times I’d complained about their ridiculous behavior, I missed my boys. I freaking wanted them back already! I let out a frustrated cry and glared at my sling again. This is all your fault, you damned sling! You ruined my life! With an angry growl, I impatiently ripped the sling off and threw it across the room. My right arm became a victim of gravity and flopped uselessly by my side, landing with a mocking thud on the bed.

I glared at it.

Correction.

Youruined my life. I’d be fine if you just weren’t there, but nooooooo! You just had to stay on my damn body and sit there and relentlessly mock me! You couldn’t have just been chopped off so I wouldn’t have to look at you anymore?! You have to be cruel and mock me instead?!

I took a deep breath.

Okay, calm down, Uki. If someone were listening in on your thoughts right now, they’d think you were insane for screaming at your arm. Besides, it’s not just your arm. Your entire right side of your torso was useless to you now. I ground my teeth in anger and frustration. What did people think of me now? I used to be so good at everything I set my mind to and now I can’t even get dressed without the possibility of breaking my other arm. I glared at my right arm again.

Move. Your. Index. Finger.

Nothing.

Move. Your. Index. Finger.

Nothing.

I kept chanting that over and over in my head, glaring at my finger in the process. I was determined to wake up the rest of my body. While mentally commanding myself to move my index finger, Troy’s funeral began replaying in my head for some strange reason. I closed my eyes, leaning back into my pillow, letting the events run through my head like an old film.

Flashback;; Three months;; Uki’s POV~

“Uki, are you ready to head out?” I heard my mom’s voice call from downstairs.

I sighed, taking one last look in the mirror. I couldn’t wait for these damn scars and bruises to freaking disappear for good. They made me look morbid and like I was abusing myself coupled with this simple black dress. I tried reaching my arm up to fix my hair, frustrated that it wouldn’t respond. And then I remembered that I couldn’t exactly do that, which caused me to sigh again. I slowly reached my left arm up instead, fumbling as I was trying to fix my elegant bun.

I almost cried when the bun fell apart.

“Here, let me help you with that,” I heard someone say.

I turned to see Jiwon standing there, a sad smile on her face. I half-heartedly returned the smile and let her take my hair in her hands, tying it up into the bun I had before I’d messed it up. Things weren’t completely fixed between us, but I’ll admit they were definitely better. At least neither one of us felt the urge to kill the other the moment we walked into the same room. After she finished, she placed her hands gently on my shoulders and looked at our reflections in the mirror, one horribly beaten and battered girl staring at us and another beautiful girl with the flawless skin of an angel also staring at us. Was this what it felt like to be jealous of someone so gorgeous? Is this what the other girls that hated me felt? Well, now I don’t really blame them for hating me so much.

“Are you ready to head out?” she asked me.

I nodded slightly, saying, “Ready as I’ll ever be.”

The drive over to the cemetery was a silent one, me listening to my iPod, my attention directed out the window, while everyone else was preoccupied in their own thoughts. I just couldn’t believe that Troy was really gone. Like…For good. I reached my hand up to wipe away my silent tears before anyone noticed and before my makeup started running. It didn’t help that I was listening to Yesung’s ‘It Has To Be You’ either. This song made me cry all the time, but I just loved it so freaking much, I couldn’t help but to listen to it. When we pulled up to the cemetery’s gates, I unplugged my headphones and wrapped them up, sticking the iPod in my purse. We all got out of the car to head to all the white chairs set up in neat rows in front of the gleaming casket. I felt my heart tighten a little at the sight of the casket as Troy’s friends and family wept around us, some of our old classmates from college there as well.

We made our way to our seats. I ended up sitting in between my mom and Troy’s mom, who each took a hold of my hands as we listened to the preacher saying his last words. All the sobs around me jarred me and made my already shattered heart practically disintegrate in my chest. I felt my chest tightening up again as my breaths came in short and strained gasps, but I refused to let anyone see it. Besides, I didn’t exactly bring my ventilator with me, so what was I supposed to do?(x I sat there for a moment, taking long, deep breaths trying to calm myself. Slowly, I felt my body cooperating with me as my chest began to loosen. See that? I didn’t need that ridiculous machine. It was all a mental game and it was all just a matter of learning how to beat it.

Without me realizing it, Troy’s mom gave my hand a reassuring squeeze before she got up and headed to the podium.

“I’m not going to stay up here long because I know I’ll break down sooner or later. But there is someone that was very special to Troy and is very special to me who I know will be strong enough to say a few words,” she said.

Oh dear God. If she says my name, I’ll—

“Can you please help me bring up Miss Uki Choi please?” she continued.

Damn it.

Everyone was applauding politely, looking at me, expecting me to get up there. My legs felt like lead, though. I couldn’t will myself to move, but my mom gave my hand a squeeze, giving me a reassuring nudge. I slowly stood up, walking slowly and carefully up to the podium while everyone was quietly cheering me on. Once I reached the microphone, I cleared my throat slowly as Troy’s mom headed back to her seat.

“H-hello everybody,” I stammered. I cleared my throat again. “I’m Uki Seohae Choi, Troy’s e…ex-girlfriend. Troy and I went through a lot together, some good memories, some bad memories, but I’m not going to lie and say that he was a horrible guy. It was quite the contrary. He was one of the best out there. Although we didn’t always get along, I knew that he truly did love me. And I regret that things ended the way they did between us.”

I felt my cheeks getting wet with those sneaky tears that managed to break my mental dam, but I didn’t bother to wipe them away. I swallowed and took a shaky breath before continuing.

“If it wasn’t for Troy, I wouldn’t be standing here right now. It would probably be the other way around, me in the casket, him speaking to you all.” My hand involuntarily grasped my pendant and a small smile played at my lips as I took another shaky breath that got caught in my tears. “Troy Marcus Burchett will be very dearly missed and nobody can ever replace him in our hearts. He was special and left this world way too soon. I know I’m not speaking only for myself when I say that I wish he was still with us.”

I didn’t get any further than that before I fully burst into tears, crying into my handkerchief. I turned and placed my hand gently on the smooth mahogany casket, tears flowing freely.

“I’m so sorry, Troy! I’m so sorry! Please, please find a way to forgive me! Troy, I’m sorry! I’ll make it up to you! I promise, I’ll make it up to you!” I cried, sobbing at this point.

Someone came up behind me, placing their hands on my shoulders, gently guiding me back to my seat. My mom and Troy’s mom took hold of my hands again, patting them reassuringly. I just cried, my body shaking with my tears. The preacher went back up to the podium, saying his last prayer. As the prayer went on, I felt my tears slowly come to a stop.

I felt so numb. Everything around me all felt so surreal as Troy’s mom sobbed into her handkerchief as they slowly lowered Troy’s casket into the ground. My eyes were big and round, my tears pooled at the rims, refusing to fall. When they started shoveling the dirt in was when my tears fell and when reality crashed down on me.

Troy was gone.

He was gone because of me.

Ikilled him.

As these thoughts ran through my mind, my tears kept falling faster and faster yet I never uttered a sound. I never so much as let my breaths be heard as they completely filled the hole in the ground. But it was so contradicting. The more they filled the hole in the ground, the more the hole in my heart grew.

I’m so sorry, Troy.

I promised myself then and there that somehow, someway, I was going to make it up to him. I refused to let him die in vain. I’ll make sure that he didn’t die for nothing.

Uki’s POV~

But for now.

“Move. Your. Index. Finger.”

A small smirk/smile played at my lips as I saw my finger twitch.

Lol. So as you can tell, I'm starting up with my cliffhangers again(x Kekeke~ Still no plot in mind, but I'm working on that!~