FIRST IMPRESSIONS (6/15)
Title: 2/5
`Attractiveness: 1/2
+ The word 'disappearance' does evoke questions in the readers head as they wonder about the cause of the disappearance.
- Misleading phrasing. It makes the story seem like it's all about Minseok's disappearance, and considering how disappearance is a common trope used in mystery stories, it doesn't present a fresh idea to the table.
`Relevancy: 1/2
+ Relevant for Minseok's disappearance and suits the mystery genre well.
- Fails to include the part where Lu Han would die, creating a one-sided image that the story is only about Minseok's disappearance
`Originality: 0/1
- Not very original.
> Improvement: 'Obscure'
As your story presents many ideas, this title can package all the ideas up into one word, where the mystery and disappearance are all never discovered about and Lu Han's regret is never known to Minseok [adj form of obscure]. It also cleverly touches on the antagonist's intent in doing so -- to conceal Lu Han's existence so that Minseok can move on with a better lover [verb form of obscure].

Description & Foreword: 3/5
`Attractiveness: 2/3
+ Not too bad actually. At least, the description hints that Minseok has disappeared by using details, and it's not too on-your-face. The readers will be curious to read to see what happens.
- The problem is it presents a pretty cliche premise (like those typical settings of horror stories).
`Relevancy: 1/2
+ Relevant up to Minseok's disappearance.
- Again, the description only paints a one-sided view (Minseok's disappearance) and doesn't present the whole plot in its full glory.
> Improvement: The only way is to paint a general picture using the word 'obscure', since your story is both about the romance and mystery. You can do this by using the definitions and asking relatable rhetorical questions. Be careful not to give away too much information.

Format (Graphics & Layout): 2/5
`Graphics
+ Graphics is okay. The font is extremely fitting, and the picture is black-and-white to generate the feeling of angst. The car is a significant symbol in the story so that's a nice addition.
- The inclusion of roses in the graphics is rather weird, even though they do symbolise romance. Unless you wrote about wilting roses in the story, they don't seem to fit the context.
`Layout & Formatting
+ Layout is generally neat.
- Paragraphing can be better. There are occasional chunks of sentences which you can actually break down to shorter paragraphs for the ease of the readers. 
- Clearer distinction of memories vs reality. You can do this by italicising memories.

WRITING STYLE (14/25)
Grammar & Vocabulary: 5/10
`Grammar: 3/7
``Terminology
[T] - Tenses. [ss] - Sentence structure. [r] - Redundancy. [P] - Preposition. [wf] - Word form. [q] - Quantity. [p] - Punctuation.
Know your problems very well so that you can learn how to correct them.

``General overview
+ Generally your sentences are complete except for a few run-ons.
- The default tense in description & foreword should be in past tense, since the rest of the story is in past tense. Tenses are also somewhat inconsistent through the story. You like to use present particle '--ing' words a lot but be careful; sometimes you use them inappropriately and they interrupt the sentence flow. [T] Your sentence structures can be very awkward, and you have the tendency to string a series of ideas together in one sentence, when you can actually break down the sentences into shorter, simpler ones. [ss] You like to use repetition, but it's not done adequately enough and it comes off as redundancy instead. [r] There is also a lack of closing full stops in some dialogue, and you miss out hyphens in some words. [p] These are your major problems, but you do have other minor errors. A suggestion I would give is for you to find a good editor (I can help if you like) who can identify most, if not all of your mistakes, and rectify them. Then, compare the original version and the corrected version and see what are the common mistakes you make, and note them down. Sounds like tough work, but that's English for you! I'm sure once you put in the effort, you will be able to improve tremendously. 

``Examples
D&F: "Minseok leaves [T] the house where they ___ live [T] together" - Minseok had moved out, so it's a thing of the past. Adding 'once' would make the sentence flow better. "Minseok left the house where they once lived together."
Final: "His colleagues were every day that passed more and more stupid [ss], keeping on [r] making mistakes he has [T] to right." - The sentence structure is quite awkward here. Read it aloud and see if it flow as you read it. I think that'll help a lot. 'keeping on' may sound grammatically correct but if you read 'His colleagues were keeping on making mistakes he had to right' aloud, it sounds very redundant in past continuous. Because the phrase 'keep on' already signifies that his colleagues continued to make mistakes. So putting it in past continuous tense is like you're saying they continue and continue to make mistakes. "His colleagues were becoming more and more stupid with the passing of each day, and they kept making mistakes he had to right."
Final: "way too loud, way too close to [P] his hear [wf]" - Prepositions are a tricky issue, so the only suggestion of improvement I can give is practice, practice and practice. 'hear' is a verb, and whenever you use the possessive pronoun 'his', following after can only be a noun and not a verb. Therefore, you can only use 'hearing', the noun. "way too loud, way too close for his hearing."
Final: "Luhan had got [T] quiet staring [T] at the pictures." - 'got' should be in its past participle form, since 'had gotten' is past perfect. "Luhan had gotten quiet 
Final: "Then, his gaze fell on the car key that, in his haste, Luhan had left on top of his jacket, on the sofa [ss]" - This is an example of you connecting too many ideas in one sentence. You don't even have to mention the 'in his haste' detail if it's not relevant to the scene itself. "Then, his gaze fell on the car key on top of Luhan's jacket on the sofa."
Final: "Clothes and empty hangers discarded on the bed, closet left open and half emptied, the suitcase above it on the left missing, Minseok’s nightstand drawer only half closed. [ss]" - It's like a run-on sentence. The sentence doesn't properly close because of the lack of the variations of 'be'. "Clothes and empty hangers were discarded on the bed; the closet was left open and half-emptied; the suitcase above it was missing; and Minseok's nightstand drawer was only half-closed."
Final: "At least ten persons [q] were around..." - There's no such word as 'persons'. The plural form of 'person' is people. "At least ten people were around..."

`Vocabulary: 2/3
+ There's significant attempt to use dynamic sentence structures, some which are successful and some less so. Keep it up! Just try not to make long sentences because you'll trip up even more in that case.
+ Effort to use a variety of words is present, and relatively successful since most are used appropriately.
- It's evident that you're not very comfortable with using a wide range of words for feelings and adjectives yet, because you occasionally stop at basic words like 'angry', 'cold' etc. Occasionally though.

Writing Style: 9/15
`Description: 4/5
+ You pay attention to details very well, and although you don't use poetic devices most of the time, you would occasionally use metaphors/comparisons at the right moments to emphasise on the emotions the characters are feeling.
+ Makes use of perception towards surroundings to convey how the world looked like in Lu Han's eyes (Minseok's greetings, the walls, etc).
+ Appropriate use of storytelling (Lu Han and Minseok's story) so that we can get an idea of how Lu Han saw Minseok as.
- Sometimes, you opt for telling instead of showing at the wrong moments.
- Try not to repeat the same emotion too much. It's okay to emphasise frequency for maybe two or three times, but if you keep focusing on that single emotion, it'll get draggy fast.
> "He had started crying again." - Use more vivid description to show Lu Han's despair. "Tears obscured his vision. Grief and regret swarmed his body, knocking the air out of his lungs, yet he could do nothing to save himself."

`Emotions: 3/5
+ You tend to make use of thoughts to aid your storytelling and they help to relay the doubts and regret that Luhan had. Dialogue is desperate, humourous and solemn at the right moments. Even the narration brings across emotions sufficiently with questions and details.
- Some emotions are lost through the lack of vivid descriptions.
- I wish more emotions would have been conveyed before Lu Han died. As the demon started his whole monologuing, Lu Han could have stronger thoughts against his views. Could he have felt greater regret? Could he have felt greater pain? It's a shame these are never fully expanded on at that part because the ending feels like the for me.

`Memorability: 2/5
+ Your dialogue shined especially well. It carries with it the right emotions; sometimes, it has a dry humour which is befitting for the context, and at others, desperate when the situation calls for it. 
- Narration is more generic, which is a problem I see in most AFF authors (including myself too lol). It's fine since you're still a budding writer.

DIGGING DEEPER (37/55)

Characters: 19/25
`Believability: 8/10
``Lu Han
+ Quite believable. He had such bad days so I kinda understand him, but that's definitely no excuse for pushing away Minseok so harshly. Then again, it just shows that he has flaws as a human, and that is a rather relatable aspect of his personality. I'm seriously curious as to whether he would have reflected if the demon wasn't there. Maybe he would, maybe he might have not and end up just like the other abusers. Honestly, his experience kinda reminds me of a saying, "We only cherish what we have after they're gone." It's unfortunate that he only realised what he had when Minseok disappeared, but that makes his regret very real and relatable. I especially like how he kept reminiscing about Minseok and their happy moments together. It's kinda ironic how he never thought about those times when he was angry, yet when Minseok wasn't by his side, he kept replaying those scenes in his head. Indeed, humans are so ironic this way.
- What I find strange is how Lu Han suddenly became extremely cold and soulless, because that's in no way a normal human's reaction when they know they're gonna get killed by some random serial killer. It's not like he's a detective or a secret serial killer or something.
- Like I mentioned in the Writing Style, I wish there's a greater intensity of his emotions being displayed before his death, since well... he was going to die lol. Surely he would feel fear, injustice, regret, or some sort of emotion before his death.
``Kim Minseok
+ Definitely believable! The fact that he realises that they shouldn't continue on with their broken relationship is really admirable, because sadly that's something a lot of people never try to understand. The fact that he wants to get away despite loving Lu Han for what he used to be is also pretty understandable.
- I'm just bothered that he didn't leave a note or tried to talk about the problem with Lu Han first, maybe when he calmed down or something, considering he loves Lu Han so much. If he decided to leave after that, then it would be more believable.
``Others
+ The villain is really believable LOL. After having experienced so many atrocities himself, and having seen them happen on someone else, it's no wonder he decided to take action himself, especially since he was a 'ghost' and nobody could punish him anyway. His motivations to become a villain (or arguably, a saviour) are very genuine.
- Yifan telling Lu Han all about the case is just kinda weird for me. I mean, I know he's a detective and not a police officer, but I thought they don't usually tell citizens what the case is all about in such great detail, especially since they don't want to cause panic among the citizens. I would imagine him trying to conceal most of the truth from Lu Han and only tell him the basics, to be honest.
- Also, I thought the police was keeping watch? Why didn't they realise that Lu Han was in danger? Wasn't there a CCTV or something?
``XiuHan's relationship
+ A very believable relationship. Not all relationships are perfect, and you've displayed the flaws of their relationship very sufficiently, as well as Lu Han's lingering regrets.
+ You also displayed flashbacks to further substantiate the depth of their relationship. They bonded due to a great understanding of each other, but perhaps what they thought was 'great understanding' wasn't great enough. They haven't fully embarced each other's flaws and weaknesses yet, which resulted in such a tragic picture.

`Portrayal: 8/10
``Lu Han
+ He started off as your typical angry and annoyed guy, and later someone who reflected on his past mistakes, although he seemed to be drowning in regret rather than actually trying to take action to change his fate. He was horrified that anyone could call his relationship with Minseok abusive, but who knows? Maybe he might have really abused Minseok in the future. He's quite relatably portrayed for the most part.
- Not exactly memorable. I feel like he didn't really do much to face his problems, which is okay if you're just aiming for relatability, but he's the main character. Surely he could have asked more questions to the villain, or something, although you'll have to deal with that tactfully so that it doesn't seem unrealistic/OOC.
- His emotions could've been stronger, like I mentioned. That would make the impact of his character lasting.
``Kim Minseok
+ We don't know much about him except from what we saw in the first scene and Lu Han's description. He appears to be a generally nice guy, though also with emotions as seen in how bitter he was when Lu Han came back. Quite a relatable character, actually.
+ When he woke up and lost his memories, it kinda broke my heart, especially when I recalled how much Minseok loved Lu Han beforehand.
- We know him more as someone who means a lot to Lu Han. His presence isn't very memorable as an independent character, which is fine since he's just a supporting character. The problem is Lu Han lacks memorability as well, and when there are no significant memorable characters here, the memorability level takes a great hit.
``Others
+ The villain leaves quite a great impression. It doesn't seem like the typical comical antagonist and appears to be pretty genuine. The plot twist is that it's all up to perspective; some may think that he isn't actually the villain, but the saviour, and those abusers are actually the villains. Nobody's wrong, and nobody's right.
``XiuHan's relationship
+ An authentic relationship which doesn't sugarcoat love for what it is. I can appreciate it, and I'm sure many other readers do too.
+ The flashbacks are great in setting up the once sweet interactions between the two. This kinda emphasises on how sad the whole situation is.
- I wish the flashbacks could have been fleshed out just a little more, so that we get to know Xiumin as an individual as well. No biggie though.

`Development: 3/5
``Lu Han
+ He did develop and reflect on his past mistakes, which I thought is great.
- The problem is he never took action. He merely accepted the death sentence given to him like any of the other people, but he didn't have depth in his thinking. Would Minseok have wanted him dead? Was death the only option? He never really thought about those things, argued back for his rights and was simply brainwashed by the monster. So his death didn't leave a great impact. It is just 'oh, he died just like any other person' and we moved on from there. More to be explained in the Plot section, but simply said, Lu Han's development didn't really reach the peak it needed, and that was a real shame.

``Kim Minseok
- He did realise what was going on with the relationship, but he didn't went about trying to resolve it before giving up. So like Lu Han, his development lacked depth.

``Others
+ The villain's past development was shown in great detail, so kudos to you for that. I like how Lu Han didn't actually abuse Minseok yet before the villain just concluded on his own that he must punish Lu Han. It shows that he's becoming very much like Light. His assumptions that these people are evil may cause even bigger problems in the future. That is a very nice regression of his character.

Plot: 14/25
`Theme: 7/10
+ I love the ultimate message your story has! Rarely do stories in AFF shed light on abuse, and so I think your story deserves lots of applause and love for that.
- The only problem I have is how it is shown. A monster had to come in, threaten to kill the abuser before the abuser would wake up and realise what he had done. Do you see the problem with that? It's as if the abuser was intimidated to realise that, and if the monster didn't come in, then these abusers might still live in their merry little world thinking that nobody would ever have a hold on them. I wish rather than you expressing the message in this manner, the police could've done something (because honestly, when has the police ever done anything in dramas or stories alike?). I know this is your premise itself, but your premise feels a little problematic in my opinion. I understand you have good intentions though, but I'll suggest making Lu Han's reflection (before the detective police came in and all) a bit stronger, so that it's not just about the intimidation part.
- The mystery is there but very weak. It also doesn't add value to the story.

`Portrayal: 3/10
+ Most mystery stories are all about the mystery and nothing about the emotions, but you've proven me wrong with this story. Kudos to you for that.
+ The gradual progression from Xiumin to the monster was nicely done. It gave me the chills lol.
- There are some problems with the way the mystery of your story. I feel like Lu Han could've done some research himself (using his phone, laptop or something) just to find out more about the cases, because it feels like he's being forcefed information, and when the main character feels that way, it's easy for the readers to feel that way too. It'd be more fun if he had a keen interest in it himself. But the answer was revealed pretty easily, and it didn't feel like suspense was even sustained in the story. It felt more like horror than mystery, honestly.
- The villain being made out of a supernatural entity was pretty predictable. But the question is: If it was a ghost, how could it kill people? There wasn't sufficient explanation on this to tie up all the loose ends. In fact, many things are left unaddressed. I'm okay with open ends, but the tricky thing is that if open ends are not done tactfully enough, they can leave the readers very confused. For your story, you never explained how the monster could kill people, how he wiped their memories, the extent of his powers and the aftermath of the incident. Did somebody put it to a stop? Did it become an endless cycle (seems to be what your story is hinting at)? Did the supernatural entity kill anybody else, like serial killers etc? What impact did this bring to the society at large? What about the problems of the monster's way of dealing with these abuse cases? Many of these questions are left unexplored, and it leaves the readers with a very empty feeling. Unless you're planning a sequel, I think that at the very least, you should leave subtle hints regarding the aftermath of the incident. You don't have to be blunt about it, but if you can do foreshadowing and leave the readers speculating and making all sorts of theories about what happened, then it would make your story a successful story in that regard. Right now, the readers have not much direction as to what's going on, except that it most likely ended up spiralling into an endless cycle.

`Realism: 4/5
+ Rather realistic except for what I had mentioned about Yifan giving information away carelessly.
- The supernatural entity seems too overpowered lol. There's no way the police can track it down. They may guess that it's a supernatural entity, but what can they do about it? Is there any way to exterminate the entity? It would be nice if you display one weakness that the entity has so that the readers would be kept guessing and hoping the police might find the monster down someday.

Flow: 4/5
+ It's a oneshot, but it's decently paced. There's no buildup to the final answer though.
- The lack of indication of whether the scene is a flashback/reality has disrupted the flow at some parts, since the readers have to figure out whether it's a flashback or actual scene they're reading first.

FINALLY (3/5)
Overall Enjoyment: 3/5
+ Things I like: The meaningful message. Although I like mystery, it's not exactly my priority and I was pleasantly surprised that the characters do have some development and that their relationship is a realistic portrayal of relationships in general. I was also immersed in the story until the very end, which is a pretty great feat considering I have a short attention span lol. The execution can be done better, but all in all, you're heading on the right direction.
- Things I didn't like: The lack of indication of whether the scene is a flashback/reality really bothered me, because I was quite confused with the scene transitions. I wish there would have been a greater intensity of emotions at some parts too.

OVERALL ANALYSIS
Strongest aspect/s: Characters, Description/Writing Style
Weakest aspect/s: Plot, Title
Technicality Level: 2/5 - Lots of room for improvement. You have the idea but your execution needs to be more meticulous. Address all plot holes before jumping into an open end.
Feels Level: 3/5 - Did give me lots of feels initially, but then the mystery part kinda ruined it + Lu Han's emotions lacked intensity at the ending.
Longevity Level: 3.5/5 - I think this is a story good to go back to because of the impact of the message, but again the mystery lacks power. The good thing is you have an open end which can leave room for speculation, but there's always area for improvement.
Memorability Level: 3.5/5 - The villain and your message are saviours. It would be better if you manage to find your own 'voice' when it comes to writing, and if there's a more connected mystery.

TOTAL SCORE: 60/100
Comments: Actually, believe me but I really don't know how the score turned out so low ; n ; I enjoyed it for the most part, and in fact I do think you have the direction correct. Your execution does need some work though. But I've become stricter with my grading with this new format, so... Don't take the marks to heart, and instead look at how you can improve. I'm sure you can do it! Feel free to look for me if you have any doubts and need clarifications.
Trying to use my previous rubric so that my review seems clearer and more organised (plus I really should stop rambling and just get to the point lol). The result is this. It's a lot longer and more specific than my usual reviews so I hope this has given you a clear idea of your strengths and weaknesses. I put in a lot of effort in this, so it better :D Haha, just kidding. All the best for your future stories!