bangtan: royal harem by theparakeet



Criticism Level: 10

Title: 2/5
Your title practically spills the whole plot to your readers because it's obvious that it will be a story about concubines fighting over the king or something like that. However, I will say that it is relevant to the story and it isn't all that long. The title isn't all that original though, but people who love Bangtan Boys and royal harem stories will be sure to check it out.

Description & Foreword: 8/10
I have some mixed feelings about the description. It is somewhat relevant, yes, but I think that that part is only introduced during the middle section. Although it reveals a bit too little in my opinion, I can't really think of a better description. It's relatively intriguing, so props to that!

Characters: 16/20
Your characters are the typical characters that will appear in usual royal harem stories. There's Jungkook (the evil consort), Jin (the nice consort), Namjoon (the king) and some other side characters, but I feel that these three are most significant to the plot.
I'll start by talking about Jungkook as I always like antagonists. I like how he is portrayed; the reason why he schemes is shown but because of the other characters, I feel that people would put him down just because he does the bad deeds. His reactions and actions are believable, but I wonder why he likes the king. (Honestly, most of the time, consorts like the king and I find myself doubting whether they really love the king or just love him because he is the king. I am guessing that he doesn't actually love the king and has some other reasons.) If you gave the other characters more flaws, I think it would be much better.
Next is Jin, and I don't know why but the only time I like him is when he showed fury to Jungkook. He seemed passive most of the time (like usual protagonists) and it is literally as if he does not possess a single negative trait at all. Perhaps I can understand why Jungkook likes the king (being childhood friends and all) but for Jin... I don't really know. They just seem to be in it for pleasure.
As for Namjoon, he is also like a usual king, but there's some twists in his story. He still loves the Queen, and it is still uncertain whether he actually likes Jin (I suppose they will end up together in the end, so I suggest one thing: Don't rush the romance). I actually have nothing much to say, but I think that he is relatively well-rounded and believable.
I actually find myself liking Jimin, and I guessed that something was going on between him and Jungkook beforehand. Why does he like Taehyung though? Nevertheless, readers can sympathize with him. It's sad to be rejected twice, but I think that he would feel even worse if the people he liked told him that they loved him, but actually didn't. Taehyung is evidently very attached to Jin; he is in a way naive, but your story's characters have a variety of personalities which is great. Not much to say at the moment for Hoseok, though I do find Yoongi a bit too perfect for my liking. Nevertheless, your characters are relatively consistent.

Plot: 16/20
Your story, as I mentioned before, is like a typical royal harem story. The consorts fight for the King's attention, with Jungkook planning to make things worse for Jin. There is no special twist to it, nor does it give us a new insight about something. Regardless, you manage to write the story interesting enough to keep your readers' attention hooked. It's a pretty realistic story and it does not disappoint for a story. I think that your story does need a bit more foreshadowing; it is as if I know that there is something more to the story, but I cannot exactly picture out what. The Jungkook x Jimin thing did come out as surprising, but if I think about it, it isn't exactly shocking. From what I have seen so far, the story makes sense and there's no major plot holes that I notice, yet I cannot help but feel that Jin is like a genius or something. Yes, he is one of the top scholars, but how can he arrive to a conclusion that Jungkook had poisoned Yoongi when so many other officials cannot figure that out? 

Flow: 4/5
The flow is all right although at certain times, I find that the romance comes a bit too fast. The POV of the narrator stays consistent most of the time.

Grammar & Vocabulary: 12/15
There are several awkward sentence structures that you should take note of, and you have the tendency to switch tenses sometimes unconsciously.
""Taehyung! What happened?" The Imperial Consort asks, knowing the answer yet alarmed at the reaction which the other man was going through, and he is caught off guard..." - ""Taehyung! What happened?" the Imperial Consort asked, knowing the answer yet alarmed by the reaction of the other man, and he was caught off guard..." 'reaction which the other man was going through' doesn't make sense, so I have changed it. I would also like to mention that the sentence gets somewhat wordy here, so you may want to break the sentence into two smaller sentences.
""Your Highness," Taehyung whispers..." - ""Your Highness..." Taehyung whispered..." I have used an ellipsis instead of a comma because Taehyung paused slightly before continuing to his next sentence. The full sentence is "Your Highness, I can't take it anymore."
'...dragged him to a guest bedroom.' - '...dragged him into a guest bedroom.'
Your vocabulary is exceptional, however, do refrain from using over complicated sentence structures. Still, you have a variety of sentence structures that does not create monotony.

Description & Emotions: 10/10
Your writing is very descriptive; your readers can imagine certain scenes just by reading the story (which is also why this story does not disappoint for a story). The tone that you use is suitable for the story, and honestly, I do not see the need to change. However, if you do want to, it depends on what kind of atmosphere you want to create. If your story is just concentrating on the and fluff, then the tone of your story should be lightened. If you want a darker or more angsty feeling (suitable if you are delving into the characters' backstories), then you should certainly darken the tone of your story. Personally, I think that the latter fits your story more, and I believe that there will be more angst coming up the next few chapters of your story.
Your narration is brilliant; I can definitely tell that Jungkook and Jimin are of the royal status while Taehyung and Hoseok are of the lower status. One issue I have with third person perspective is that it cannot tell the readers what the characters are thinking ('show, don't tell' does not apply, actually, but it is important to show as well as to tell). Hence, when you want to show what the characters are feeling, you have to focus on their actions, behavior and reactions. You have done that well, thankfully, so keep that up!

Format (Graphics & Layout): 7/10
The format is relatively neat and readable, but I do advice you to get a layout and a background to enhance the visuals of the story. Your poster is pleasing to the eye but to be honest, it gives off more of an angst vibe and doesn't really fit the royal harem idea, thus not relevant to the story. I'm also wondering where the title of the story is.

Overall Enjoyment: 3/5
Strangely, I appreciate the scenes even though I am not a big fan of , but I think that the is more of the appetizer rather than the main dish. I like stories that give me a new perspective of things which may be why I am unable to fully enjoy this story. Nevertheless, it has me hooked and I am awaiting for further updates.

Total: 78/100 //B (+) 
I apologize for the fact that I am unable to answer one of your questions. I do not really understand what you meant by 'what parts would alienate readers' because this is very hard to say, like how some people dislike horror or slice-of-life. Romance is a popular genre though, but I personally am not a fan of romance (unless the story is a well-written one) so it depends. I may be mistaking the meaning of your question though, so if that is not what you mean, just clarify with me and I will try to give an answer to it. Thanks for requesting, and do not forget to follow all the rules!

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