FIRST IMPRESSIONS (10/15)

Title: 2/5

The title is pretty relevant, but I'm just curious; why is there a 'Project 1' at the back? There's no explanation regarding that aspect.

The whole vibe that the title gives out is pretty generic, though. 'Debt' is already hinting that someone is owing a debt, and that's a pretty common concept. Then again, considering the nature of your story, I don't think there's a better title than this.

Description & Foreword: 3/5

The quotes already give the readers an idea that Yixing and Joonmyun were going to make out just because Joonmyun had saved him. I'm not too sure if that's the turning point of your story but if it is, then I feel that the quotes have revealed way too many details. I like the actual description better so maybe removing the quotes will be fine enough.

However, after I read the description, I feel like I am going to read a PWP story. That is not necessarily a bad thing, but it doesn't really make your story stand out. The description is relevant, however.

Format (Graphics & Layout): 5/5

The layout is very neat and organised. I especially like the quotes and chibis at the front of every chapter. The aesthetics are pleasing to the eye as well and also very relevant to the story.


WRITING STYLE (10/25)

Grammar & Vocabulary: 4/10

Take note of your tenses since there are times when you would switch from past to present, and that can be very distracting. There are also times when you would misuse certain connective words, thus making a sentence sound distorted. You can mix up the use of semicolons and commas sometimes. There are severe punctuation inconsistencies where you do not place commas or punctuation marks in sentences at all, leading to run-on sentences.

Also, try not to write sentences like: He shrugged his shoulders, "..." when it comes to dialogue. 'He shrugged his shoulders' is not a speaking verb; that phrase should be replaced by a 'said', 'asked' or other synonyms. Be careful not to write very long sentences as well because it is usually tougher for you to spot potential sentence structural and grammatical mistakes. Try to avoid starting with connective words like 'but'.

'Conscious' in its noun form is 'conscience'.

italics - missing words/punctuation. bold - spelling/grammatical errors. underlined - fragments/sentence structures. strikethrough - unnecessary words/punctuation.

C1: "Class is now dismissed, I expect everyone's hand written reports by next week." - "Class is now dismissed. I expect everyone's hand-written reports by next week." Note: When there are two independent clauses, you can either use a full stop or a semicolon (if the two clauses are relevant). Commas should not be used.

C1: "Suho had just finished putting his books away and stood up as well, not bothering to even cover his mouth as he yawned." - I don't think 'and' is a suitable connector over here, because it makes the whole sentence sound odd. "Suho had just finished putting his books away. Afterwards, he stood up, not bothering to cover his mouth as he yawned.

C1: "Zitao with his obnoxious habit of putting his forearm on the top of his hyung's head with no manners." - The whole sentence structure is off because it cannot stand as a sentence alone; instead, it becomes a dependent clause. Hence, this should be rewritten as such: "Zitao had an obnoxious habit of putting his forearm on the top of his hyung's head impudently."

C1: "Baekhyun annoying pokes at his cheek." - "Baekhyun annoyingly poked at his cheek."

Writing Style: 6/15

The tone of the story is very humorous and the use of certain poetic devices help to enhance the humour of the story. However, you do make some fatal mistakes:
+ The starting letter of the first word in a sentence should always be capitalised, but I assume the few exceptions are typos.
+ Even if this is a comedy fic, try not to capitalise words because they look pretty unprofessional. Use italics for emphasis instead.
+ Never ever write things like /dramatically sighs/. Unless you're in a roleplay, this is a no-no. This is a prose, so all actions should be written in full sentences.
+ Never write 'hahaha' as well; 'laugh' or 'chuckle' can replace that instead.
+ Do not use question marks or exclamation marks repeatedly '???'. It is pretty redundant and (again) unprofessional.
+ Using vulgarities or short forms in dialogue is fine, but it should only be done appropriately to give the characters their own style. Try not to get overboard and have everyone use the same tone; that diminishes the effect of using these words at the first place.
+ Never use emoticons or expressions (like the Korean expression for laughing).
The only exception for the above is writing of text messages (but then again, text messages should not be written as something totally incomprehensible like this: h1 cn u reaaddd thisss?/ ?)
Sometimes, you may not include important details. Since this is a comedy fic, you don't have to be too descriptive, but description of the characters' actions and behaviours is always helpful; it will enable the readers to better understand the intensity of their emotions. Also, if the behaviour is already described, there is no need to add 'she showed her strength' again because that will just be a repetition of the description.


DIGGING DEEPER (21/55)

Characters: 7/25

The characters in this story are mostly very flat and one-dimensional; in fact, the characterisation they have is very direct and mostly just 'telling' the readers who the characters are like. Also, most traits are overly exaggerated, but I guess it is considered good since your fic seems to be leaning on the crack side (try not to go overboard though). However, your characters may not stand out because there are many of such characters in other crack fics.

I feel like all the characters are literally one character because they talk and react the same way. The only exceptions are probably Suho (who is saner compared to Baekhyun, but with his dramatic and frustrated moments), Baekhyun (who is absolutely a lunatic) and Yixing (who is the calmest).

I do like to read about the interactions between the various characters; they all seem like frenemies who bicker at the lamest things, but they do genuinely care for each other's wellbeing.

Suho is the most developed character out of the bunch which is pretty much a given since he is the narrator. His focus was on surviving, but he also felt very pressured especially when he literally had no leisure time for himself (which may explain why he became a bit more curious and adventurous later). There is some subtle development here and there (in contrary to the past when he would always forget, he cherished the times when he was alone). The thing I found unbelievable is the blossoming of his feelings for Yixing; it came way too fast and in such a weird situation.

I don't really have an opinion towards Yixing, but the fact he nearly killed Suho is pretty shocking. He seems calm, but when I read that scene over again, I find that I am questioning myself.

For Baekhyun, I feel like there are some loose screws in his head all the time. He somehow made a serious moment (of Yixing nearly killing Suho) to something funny, and that doesn't really seem rational to me. He seems to be the comedy relief though, so that may explain why his character is as such.

P.S. Try not to include so many characters especially if they're going to have the same purpose in this story. I personally feel that Suho, Baekhyun and Yixing will be enough for this story (and maybe Suho's boss because I find him particularly funny for some reason). Seriously. Also, just an additional comment on the character list: The adorable cat for Luhan's picture made me laugh. Also, is Jeongsu actually a legit character? His inclusion is so random and out-of-place to the point that I burst out laughing.

Plot: 11/25

The introduction of Baekhyun is very sudden in the sense that he never was there, but somehow the story made it seem like he was there all along when he asked Suho if he was okay. That part is a little confusing.

The story itself isn't anything out of the ordinary, but there are actually some messages behind it (which is quite good for a story of this nature; I rarely ever read crack fics where there is a purpose behind them other than making the readers laugh). Still, I think this aspect can be improved on if you want to create a more memorable story. However, if your main goal is to write a light-hearted story that the readers can enjoy, then you have succeeded I guess.

Nothing new has been brought to the table yet, but then again I'm not too sure how you're going about with this story. It's obvious that Yixing will probably return the debt through making out with Suho, but is that the turning point to the story (and their relationship)?

Obviously, this story isn't very realistic (it being more crack and all), but I don't think there are major problems yet.

Flow: 3/5

Sometimes, the flow goes a little too fast (especially with the development of the characters). The POV stays consistent as Suho-3rd POV.

FINALLY (3/5)

Overall Enjoyment: 3/5

Despite the relatively low scores, I actually enjoyed this story. The rubric I'm using to judge this story isn't really catered for crack stories, I guess. Basically, if you want readers to laugh with the characters in your story, then you have succeeded; however, that means that you may lose out on the memorability factor.


TOTAL: 44/100 (D)

ADDITIONAL COMMENTS: You have asked me to give you opinions on how you can attract more readers. There's actually not much advice I can offer you on that (I think the humour is adequate so far) except to develop the relationships between the main characters sufficiently. Many readers like OTP moments a lot. Anyway, that is it from me. Thanks for requesting and please remember to follow all the rules!