revision by iraine



Criticism Level: 9-10

Title: 5/5
As common as your title seems, I like how it ties up with your story at the end and brings out another meaning to the word itself. Kyungsoo wants to improve the real circumstances back then, so he created a story to revise the original one. That's a pretty meaningful title, so I've given you extra credits for that. However, I have to admit that first impression-wise, it can be somewhat unappealing to readers though it can pique some curious readers' attention.

Description & Foreword: 10/10
The repetition of 'leaves' and 'comes back' actually make the last word 'disappears' stand out even more. Although it's pretty vague, the sense of suspense in the description manages to keep the readers hooked and urge them to click the 'next' button.
The foreword is a snippet of Kyungsoo's memories which does relate to the description. I think it does intrigue the readers to find out what exactly has happened to Kyungsoo and Jongin. "Kyungsoo wakes up" is perfect for the ending of the foreword; in the story itself, it's actually repeated twice but I feel that the second time it is repeated has a different connotation. He has woken up mentally now that he realizes that Jongin isn't here again. Perfect description and foreword!

Characters: 16/20
Kyungsoo is someone filled with deep regret for what he was unable to do, so he creates a story which he wishes would come true. I do wonder why he didn't choose to create a dream where he helps Jongin revive from death or something. Well, that'd be unrealistic, but anything that Kyungsoo wants to happen can happen since it is up to his dictation after all. Is there a particular reason why he creates his dream as such?
Kyungsoo also shows great reliance on sleeping pills, but the reason so is explained. He takes the pills because he wants to forget about Jongin's existence. Since Jongin doesn't exist, he has never disappeared before. We can understand the reasons why Kyungsoo do certain things, and this also brings some light to real people who take sleeping pills too. 
When Jongin tells him that it'd be great that he marries soon, it's obvious that he feels upset, disappointed, and probably... confused. Evidently, Kyungsoo longs for Jongin. In Chapter One, he imagines that Jongin is shocked to meet him and is therefore using the counter to support himself. He also has a girlfriend, I personally feel that is due to the fact that he misses Jongin and is seeking for a replacement.
As a reader, I feel like Jongin is a relatively foreign character. We don't really know who he is, but two things I know for sure are: 1. Jongin left Kyungsoo two times, and 2. Jongin is fragile. In a way, both Kyungsoo and Jongin are weak; they try to escape their problems using their own methods, even though in reality, nothing can be solved if they don't fix it. However, compared to Kyungsoo, Jongin definitely seems like the more passive one (especially when we see Kyungsoo's determination vs Jongin's running away). Nevertheless, I feel that he is inwardly stronger than he seems. For Kyungsoo, he is willing to give up their relationship just so Kyungsoo can find a better partner, although truthfully, he also fears to see his end. 
On an additional note, Baekhyun's a nice addition. He certainly understands and cares for Kyungsoo (even though they have an argument in the Final).
All in all, I don't see anything off in the characters' behaviors (Well, some parts are a bit iffy to me, such as Kyungsoo never ever asking Jongin about anything whenever he comes back. Then again, that may be how they interact in general). The development of the characters is clear when everytime Jongin leaves, we can see Kyungsoo in a turmoil, and Jongin has to adapt to his illness as well. When Kyungsoo had already learnt and regretted after losing Jongin, he decides to make up for it by revising the situation (Even though it doesn't actually help much in reality, and perhaps Jongin would be happier if Kyungsoo lives his life to the best in replacement of him.) 

Plot: 15/20
I wouldn't call this plot an original or groundbreaking one, but somehow, the structure it has makes the whole piece different from your typical angst stories. The way the scenes are arranged add into the effect of the story. Apparently, the story we read isn't fully true; well, Jongin dying is correct, but some other scenes (for instance, Kyungsoo being able to take care of him) are all made up by someone who desperately wants to change something which had already been done. This story truly reflects on the quote "In the end, we only regret the chances we didn't take." As upsetting as it is, time will never go back, therefore, we should really grasp every opportunity that we have before letting it slip away.
Another message is change, both in time and in people. While some familiar scenes are present, people do change as time goes on (evident when Kyungsoo is tired of the cartoon he claims to be his favorite show, and when Kyungsoo takes note that Jongin doesn't finish his meal). The use of days, minutes and seconds at the Final is especially effective.
I'm glad that as the story progresses, we get to see what little moments they shared together which gives us an idea how their relationship was like. At the same time, their relationship isn't all perfect and dandy when conflict arises between the two during the Final. The scene of Kyungsoo telling Jongin a story with a "happy ending" is especially impacting. It's actually their story which ends up very differently from a happy ending, but then again, life doesn't end happily, and eventually their real ending isn't happy either. 
In conclusion, the story does reflect on some important issues about life--I can see that the story isn't just using the sickness idea as a device to create drama, but to show the struggle of losing one's loved ones. The story is good realism-wise but I don't think end stage COPD is as depressing as Jongin makes it sound to be, but I wouldn't be surprised if he surrenders to his fate quickly.

Flow: 5/5
The speed of the story is acceptable which is commendable since some authors tend to rush during the endings, but I did not feel lost or confused after I finished reading your story. We always see Kyungsoo's perspective in 3rd POV.

Grammar & Vocabulary: 14/15
You have relatively good grammar and there are no glaring errors that actually detract the story. There are occasional odd sentence structures and errors, so do take note of them.
italics - missing words/punctuation. bold - spelling/grammatical errors. underlined - fragments/sentence structures. strikethrough - unnecessary words/punctuation.
There are occasional tense inconsistencies.
Foreword: "Jongin pushed him away again." - This sentence should be referring to the time when Jongin has left Kyungsoo for the second time so 'pushed' should be 'has pushed' or 'pushes'.
Chapter One: "The sky above them is gray, sunlight arrested in between the sheets of clouds that had seemingly formed during the time they were inside, but they don't rush." - The structure of this sentence is a bit odd. "The sky above them is gray; sunlight has been arrested by the sheets of clouds that had seemingly formed when they were inside. However, they don't rush."
Chapter One: "They let him feel at ease, able to rest, able to forget about things that keep him up during the night; they let him forget about Jongin." - 'able' doesn't link to the beginning of the sentence, therefore, the sentence sounds strange. Here I've rewritten the sentence into two sentences such that the first part flows better, and that there is added emphasis in the second part. "They let him rest, feel at ease and forget about things that keep him up during the night. Most importantly, they let him forget about Jongin." 
Everything's great vocabulary-wise; repetition is done adequately and the language used is suitable for the story.

Description & Emotions: 9/10
The description of emotions are never explicit; in fact, they are shown through the painting of small and major details in your story. However, I'll say that at some points, the intensity of the characters' emotions is not expressed clearly. One example is when Jongin leaves after the illness revelation, and there doesn't seem to be much reaction from Kyungsoo at all. Are his knuckles shaking? What about his eyes--do they scan the room again to verify that Jongin is really gone? What about during his argument with Baekhyun? What is his expression after hearing Baekhyun's outburst? You can also consider using thoughts to give the readers a better idea on what Kyungsoo is thinking. 

Format (Graphics & Layout): 9/10
Your layout is neat and organized, and while the poster fits the atmosphere of the story, it seems like there's a love triangle between Baekhyun, Kyungsoo and Jongin (well, Baekhyun does like Jongin but that's besides the point) when the focus is really more on Kyungsoo and Jongin.

Overall Enjoyment: 5/5
There's rarely any angst stories that I really like but I do enjoy this one, especially the ending and the execution of the story. It's interesting to see Kyungsoo's POV even though it's in 3rd POV form; in fact, I think 3rd POV suits the style of the story.

Total: 88/100 //B (+) 
I'll like to add that the more intimate scenes feel kinda out of place (maybe because these scenes happen a short while after Jongin comes back). Nonetheless, do keep up the good work--I look forward to reading what other stories you may be planning to write (when I have time, that is). Thanks for requesting and do remember to follow all the rules!

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