this maybe goodbye by dinithij



Criticism Level: 10

Title: 8/10
Originality: There are similar titles, but you have presented your title in a unique way. (2/2)
Relevance: Initially, I think that the story is about someone possibly leaving. The title's awkward phrasing confuses me a bit, so while the main idea is still there in your story, I will have to deduct a mark. More will be explained in Flow. (3/4)
Attractiveness: This varies. Some people may be interested to find out what the story is all about due to the unique phrasing, some people may decide to just skip the story. (3/4)

(r) Title: 9/10
Relevance: You have changed the positioning which is good. From the ending, you have referred back to the title and I can see how it is relevant now. I am guessing that Kris is going to die and that is why he said that. (4/4)

Description & Foreword: 7/10
Relevance: I have nothing to say. Your description contains direct quotes from the story. (5/5)
Attractiveness: It is slightly intriguing, but you may want to add some more information using your own words instead of direct quotes. (2/5)

(r) Description & Foreword: 7/10
I can understand the story a bit better thanks to the change of positioning. My comments still have not changed here but I decide to add a bit more on how you can improve the description. e.g.:
If he had told them, things might have changed.
If he had told them, they might still be together with him.
But, he did not tell them, and in the end, he could only regret the things he had not done.
"Guys, this maybe goodbye..."
And right then, he had to bade farewell to s... even though that was too late as well.

Setting: 5/5
Relevance: The whole idol setting is relevant. (5/5)

(r) Setting: 5/5
No changes or additional comments.

Characters: 19/20
Originality: I rarely read stories about idols but I guess that the characters are portrayed rather originally. (4/5)
Believability: Kris's dilemma is believable. He is tired, hence, he wants to quit. However, he has a responsibility as a leader and he feels the need to bear the burden. I can understand how stressed he is feeling, and I am sure that many people can relate to him as well. As for Suho, he is equally relatable with similar problems. The other members as well; the feeling of being betrayed by their trusted leader. The unity of the members is highly commendable as well. I practically have nothing to say. (15/15)

(r) Characters: 19/20
No changes or additional comments.

Plot: 17/25
Originality: Not the most original plot ever, but I guess it is different from other stories that I have read. The ending is seriously cliche, though. (3/5)
Believability: I have mentioned what I need to mention in Characters: Believability. However, I wonder how nobody (even the staff in SM) is actually oblivious about Kris's heart problem. I am not all that familar with how idol companies work, but don't they have regular medical checks to see if their members are healthy enough for performances? Also, the ending is way too abrupt, coming off as rather ridiculous and cliche instead of the intended effect you try to depict. More will be explained in Flow. (7/10)
Theme: The story's main theme is pretty obvious here. We ought to tell whatever problems we have to our family and friends so that they can also share our burden. Like this, it will make us feel less stressed and also, our bonds will be strengthened. There are some other themes, but I think regretting the things we have not done is not the main theme. (7/10)

(r) Plot: 18/25
Refer to Flow for more knowledge.

Flow: 6/10
Consistency: You need to work on your flow. The first scene is okay, but when "Guys, this maybe Goodbye" comes out, I have no idea of what is going on at that moment. Is the awkward phrasing intentional? Why? It has never been elaborated much in the story. Also, why is it a 'maybe'? (I think this should be in Plot, but I guess it somewhat has to do with the flow so yeah...) The ending is also really abrupt. It is just... Kris suddenly says that he has a heart problem. Also, the ending is too open. Did Kris die? (If he did, that is kinda rushed too.) What will happen to the members from then on? (6/10)

(r) Flow: 6/10
Consistency: You changed the positioning so it makes more sense now, and that is why I decided to add a mark for Plot. I still think that the ending is abrupt and unbelievable, so nothing changed for that.

Grammar & Vocabulary: 7/10
Grammar: I notice that you rarely leave space between a punctuation mark and a word. I suggest you to fix that as it makes your story rather hard to read. You also have a tendency to switch tenses. I think that your story works better with present tense, but either way, please just stick to one tense. There are some other minor mistakes which can be easily fixed. Just go through your story a few times and you should be fine. (3/5)
Vocabulary: Your vocabulary is okay; there is room for improvement. (4/5)

(r) Grammar & Vocabulary: 6/10
Vocabulary: I notice that you tend to overuse 'said' and 'asked' a lot, and there are quite a number of repetitive words so I have to deduct a mark here. (3/5)

Overall Enjoyment: 7/10
Enjoyment: I have really enjoyed this story tremendously, especially with the realistic characters and all. The flow kinda ruined it and so did the lack of space between punctuation marks and words. (7/10)

(r) Overall Enjoyment: 7/10
Nothing much changed but I am glad you changed the positioning. It is a really small action but you can see how it affects the story in general.

Total: 76/100 //B (+)
Additional comments: I love your story, and the scene when Suho reminiscences about the times EXO spent in the beach is the best. If you try to work on your flow and grammar, I am sure that your story will be a pleasant read. Thanks for requesting, and do not forget to follow all the rules!

(r) Total: 77/100 //B (+)
Additional comments: Nothing special has changed and I think I only notice that the positioning of "Guys, this maybe goodbye..." changed. I try to add a few more comments but my overall view of the story is still the same. Hopefully the re-do is somewhat of a help :)

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