action, romance, spy, mystery ; 9 ; overall enjoyment, writing style 

FIRST IMPRESSIONS (9/15)

Title: 2/5

Undeniably, the title is relevant to the story, but it doesn't seem very appealing. From the title, the readers can immediately guess that the story will be about a spy story, but that is just the surface value and doesn't actually engage the readers' curiosity. Hence, I feel that it would be best if the title is changed to something more memorable and interesting.

By the way, I believe that 'T' in 'To' should not be capitalised.

Description & Foreword: 2/5

I feel that the description has a similar problem with the title. It is relevant, but it doesn't catch people's attention.

First and foremost, the description is written as one chunk of sentences which makes it very difficult for the readers to follow through. Formatting especially helps in description because it highlights on certain messages that you want to bring out to the readers.

Secondly, the description itself is way too forthright with the ideas. Diction matters a lot; it can change how readers can perceive the same information given. Also, I think that you don't actually have to include so much information inside the description; it somewhat spills the plot of the whole story (which makes no sense, because a story is the one meant to flesh out the plot, not the description). Hence, I'd suggest keeping only these certain details:

-Spying
-Potential love triangle

As for the rest of the information, you can always talk about it at the course of the story.

There is something I like about the description though, and that is the last sentence. It brings about a very light-hearted tone to the story and evokes laughter out of the readers. Hence, the only thing you may consider changing is the initial sentences.

Format (Graphics & Layout): 5/5

The graphics do fit with the context (especially with the cutouts in the background). The format itself, while simple, is relatively neat and organised.


WRITING STYLE (19/25)

Grammar & Vocabulary: 6/10

There are occasional times when you would miss a comma here or there in some sentences. Do be careful of that as it can be pretty distracting. Also note: You tend to be very inconsistent with your tenses; I am unsure if it is because you are mixed up because C1 is mostly past tense, while C2 and C3 are mostly present tense. It gets very confusing for the readers because this happens very frequently, so do take note of this; if you are using a specific tense, then do stick to it.

italics - missing words/punctuation. bold - spelling/grammatical errors. underlined - fragments/sentence structures. strikethrough - unnecessary words/punctuation.

Chapter One: "My room is bathed in shadow, the darkness only broken by a single shaft of moonlight spilling through my shattered window." - Proofreading is key to spotting fatal errors like these, however. Also, when we talk about 'bathing', it usually makes more sense if the room is bathed with more than one shadow, hence 'shadows'. The sentence structure for the second part is a bit odd; if you intend for the comma to be a semicolon, then that part should be an independent clause. "My room is bathed in shadows; the darkness is only broken by a single shaft of moonlight that has spilled through my shattered window."

Chapter One: "My curtains rustled and shards of glass glittered from where they littered my maroon carpet." - Do take note of connective words because using the wrong ones can break the flow of sentences. 

Chapter Two: "They all had on grave expressions." - The structure here is a bit awkward. It may flow better if you rectify the sentence a little. "Grave expressions envelope their faces."

I feel that you would tend to repeat certain sentence structures (e.g. starting with a pronoun) to play safe. This becomes especially evident in an action scene. That actually isn't a bad thing, although I'd suggest experimenting a little more as you write more stories. The best way to prevent yourself from making sentence structural mistakes is by writing shorter sentences so that there will be less punctuation and connective words to take note of. (Besides, your writing becomes less wordy as well; it helps the readers to follow through better.)

Writing Style: 13/15

I like how you describe the scenes in detail, especially with how you can illustrate the action scene as if it is an actual event (something I may never ever do, because I can't write action). That is pretty amazing considering this is your first fic. You are also flexible enough to switch from a more humourous tone to a more serious one as well.

The only thing that I have complaints about is mostly the lack of variation between sentence structures and effective emphasis on certain words which can detract from the actual writing itself. Other than that, you are good to go!


DIGGING DEEPER (35/55)

Characters: 15/25

I really fancy the snarky personalities that both Leah and Seah have; their interactions are incredibly adorable and humourous since they have this frenemy relationship going on. However, I can tell that both of them genuinely care for each other. Even Leah's parents are a bunch of fun although they only appeared for a while. I cannot say much about the N.E.T members but they seem fun so far. What I find really funny is that Seth breaks in Leah's house and nobody cares (but then again, they are probably the more easygoing type of people).

Despite the fact that I like the characters' personalities at the moment, I feel like there is not much depth to them yet. It may be too early to tell considering that there are only three chapters in, but the impressions I have of the characters are all very basic and flat. Take Seth for example; he is very mischievous and has a soft spot for Leah, but that is all I know about him. Leah is a little more developed in the sense that she has a flaw, but even that is explicitly stated and not alluded against, so it feels more like a forced weakness to make Leah seem human. Nevertheless, you have much time to gradually expand on the characters' personalities so feel free to take your time and plan it out.

Plot: 15/25

There is nothing much I can say about the plot at the moment, but the spy theme does sound a little cliche even though I have not been reading action stories lately. Still, at the end of the day, execution is key, so I am looking forward to see how you put a turn into this seemingly typical plot.

For now, I like the mood of the story; it does sound like it will be an entertaining and fun story, and with the action, it will become very engaging. Most action stories I have come across lean towards the more serious side, so it is refreshing to read one that is more light-hearted.

Realism-wise, I do not think this story is very realistic (the whole killing thing, for one, does not sound believable) but then again, stories are not meant to be 100% realistic so it is excusable. The only thing I am curious about is why Leah and Seah are chosen out of all people; in fact, how does the Director know who they are at the first place? How can he/she trust them when they are only teens (the only exception is if they have experience in spy-related activities, but that is not clearly stated)?

Flow: 5/5

The flow, for the most part, is all right. However, I feel that you tend to skip scenes sometimes. That is fine (especially when it comes to irrelevant scenes) but do make sure that every chapter retains a connection so that the readers do not end up confused.

FINALLY (3/5)

Overall Enjoyment: 3/5

Action stories are exciting and I like the direction that your story is taking, but it would be even better if I can see more development in the characters and plot themselves. All in all, it is still a fairly enjoyable read.


TOTAL: 66/100 (C

ADDITIONAL COMMENTS: Just an additional comment: I feel like your story may be suited for 3rd POV more since that is more narrative and fits the action genre where you have to be relatively descriptive. Then again, it is your choice at the end of the day. Thanks for requesting, and please remember to follow all the rules!