unexpected love by b2utifulstarlite



Criticism Level: 10

Title: 1/5
In my opinion, the new title is much better than the previous one, but there are a lot of aspects that can be improved on. Firstly, it isn't really original considering many stories here in AFF are titled Unexpected Love. Secondly, I don't think it's really relevant for the 'unexpected' part since they had shown interest to each other at the very beginning. Lastly, it is way too vague and doesn't provide enough information that can hook the readers. Perhaps something along the lines with Deceiving and Facades would work since your description mentions that both of them are hiding behind lies after all. On the plus side, the title rolls off the tongue easily and is easy to remember.

Description & Foreword: 7/10
Although the earlier part of the description is all right, I am a bit iffy about the last sentence mainly because it screams, "Cliche!" Other than that, it doesn't really hold my attention and most of the time, the ending statement creates the most impact in the description. Perhaps you can try replacing that sentence with one or a few question(s). "How will these two people overcome their obstacles?" "What will await their journey?" These two are examples you can consider.
All in all, while the promotion aspect can be improved for the ending statement, all the main points of the story are found in the description with no other unnecessary details, hence, you get full marks for the relevancy portion.

Characters: 13/20
Let's start with the female main character, Hyuna. Her image is a lot like a typical cold girl, but unlike most other main characters who have the same image, she does have a crush on someone (Himchan). That makes her character seem more realistic; after all, she is a human who is bound to like someone, although I was honestly surprised to know that Hyuna suffers from an abusive father because that may actually make her fear the opposite gender in general, but she clearly doesn't show signs of fear when she's around males. Another thing is that in Chapter Eight, one of her flashbacks seem to be hinting that she was by one of her father's friends(?). It would be difficult to recover especially if she was scarred at a young age, so that part is somewhat questioning.
I wonder; does Hyuna's father have any redeemable qualities? He, like most evil fathers, just appear to be evil for the sake of being evil. What is the reason of his existence in the story? Apart from that, I do like Hyuna; she is a well-rounded character and has the potential to be even better if you continue to develop her at this rate. Through her family background, I think she has become a stronger and more independent character.
My impression of Himchan is that... well, he's flirty, but doesn't want to get into relationships. I don't think Hyuna really knows who he actually is so her feeling for him is probably just a small crush or infatuation. But anyway, let's move on to Yongguk.
Yongguk has a pretty shady job, yes, but his circumstances is understandable since he is a single father that has to find ways and means to get money. Besides that, his strong love for Yunji is very evident. Yongguk isn't really based on an image like Hyuna is (though he seems like the hot guy that isn't interested in anyone). It's pretty abrupt when he suddenly shows interest to Hyuna considering the fact that he has never given anyone else a chance since his ex-wife left. 
His relationship with Hyuna is pretty interesting; it seems very much like a love-hate relationship, though it started off with both parties having good feelings for each other. Evidently, they're still in the getting-to-know-each-other phrase. Be careful not to rush their relationship and let it flow naturally as it is.

Plot: 12/20
There isn't anything groundbreaking in this story, just simply two characters and their story. That doesn't necessarily mean a bad thing if your story is well-written, but your story can be predictable (especially after the addition of Hyuna's father). So far, there's nothing new regarding your portrayal of the story; boy and girl are kinda attracted to each other but girl is in self-denial, and somehow, girl has a devastating backstory so boy tries to rescue girl from her evil father. Hopefully, the last bit doesn't actually happen because from what I see, Hyuna is an independent person and is definitely capable of standing on her own with/without Yongguk.
The story is mostly believable except for one tiny detail. Leo cut off Jungyu's fingers and let him go to the hospital, but why is nobody in the hospital suspicious when they see that Jungyu's fingers are all gone? 
I'm not sure what the theme is yet though I do have a feeling that it'll be something about love and life. This story does approach life in a more mature manner (the characters being adults and having worries that only they themselves, perhaps with some help from their friends, can solve). I especially like the addition of Yongguk being a single father. Are the obstacles that the characters will eventually face meant to strengthen them? Do consider the meaning of the story and how it allows the readers to reflect on some issues about life.

Flow: 4/5
The starting of their relationship is a bit too fast, but other than that, the events of the story flow in a well-paced manner. The POV switches between Yongguk and Hyuna's POVs. Though the readers can understand what both parties think, it can be pretty inconsistent.

Grammar & Vocabulary: 13/15
Occasional grammatical mistakes can be spotted. Most of them can be easily fixed through editing.
italics - missing words/punctuation. bold - spelling/grammatical errors. underlined - fragments/sentence structures. strikethrough - unnecessary words/punctuation.
Chapter One: "This was one of the times and with a few gold accessories, I knew that my dark eyes would pop out and hopefully, I'd be able to catch Himchan's eye today." - I think the last part can stand as a sentence by itself. It isn't necessary to separate it but there's a lower chance for you to make sentence structure mistakes if you do. "This was one of the times and with a few gold accesories, I knew that my dark eyes would pop out. Hopefully, I'd be able to catch Himchan's eye today."
Chapter One: "He didn't need to see how tired he was, his aching muscles let him know just fine." - "He didn't need to see how tired he was his aching muscles let him know just fine."
Chapter Seven: "He tried to hide the disappoint on his face, glancing over his shoulder hoping that Leo's men already knew he couldn't get a hold of her." - Although the use of 'hoping' is not inappropriate, I feel that 'as he hoped' would be a better replacement. The last part of the sentence doesn't exactly make sense; why would he hope that Leo's men already knew that he couldn't contact his daughter? "He tried to hide the disappointment of his face, glancing over his shoulder as he hoped that Leo's men didn't know that he couldn't get a hold of her."
Occasionally, some of the punctuation marks are used inappropriately. Commas are also missed out sometimes.
Most of the time, your sentences' structures are varied. The words used are specific and also of a wide range. In my opinion, your vocabulary is almost flawless.

Description & Emotions: 10/10
Minor details and bigger ones are all mentioned to let the readers have a better picture of how the story scenarios look like. Actions, accompanied with dialogue and facial expressions, are well described. This aspect is well done in general; I can actually feel and visualize the characters.

Format (Graphics & Layout): 9/10
The layout is beautiful and fits the story well. While the poster is beautiful, it gives me more of a serene feeling rather than angst or romance. Is the ocean related to the story in some way?

Overall Enjoyment: 4/5
The emotion delivery is well done and Hyuna is an awesome main character. I've definitely enjoyed the story more than I expected.

Total: 73/100 //C (=) 
Happy writing! Thanks for requesting and please remember to follow the rules. 

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