dying embers by luqluq



Criticism Level: 10

Title: 3/5
While the title is indeed unique, I feel like it isn't very linked with the story (further explanation in Description & Foreword). The title is very intriguing as well since it makes the readers wonder about how dying embers actually relate to the story itself. It's actually a pretty good title if it links more to the story.

Description & Foreword: 4/10
As mentioned in the title, the title doesn't link well with the story, and in fact, the description doesn't as well. I suppose that's due to the facts that the description isn't really a summary of the story, but rather an explanation, and also, the story is more focused on the 'horror' factor so it doesn't include the whole idea of the dying embers. Hence, I feel that you should place slightly more emphasis on the explanation in the story so that readers won't be confused. 
Nevertheless, I do like the idea of relating the embers to Hana's love for Yoseob, and because of that, the description does seem interesting. Still, it is slightly vague and the sentence "Even though Hana unable to stay forever, she continues to stay with him." also sounds somewhat contradictory. Perhaps "Even though Hana cannot physically stay with him forever, her heart will continue to remain with him even until the end of eternity." will give the readers an idea that Hana had already died although they have no idea of the details themselves.

Characters: 10/20
A small tip beforehand... which is, stupidly, about the name of the main female character. Even though Hana itself is a nice name, it's just very overused by many stories (along with the surname Kim, which must be the most common surname in Korea). Therefore, you may want to consider using a more unique name for your OCs in the future so that they will stand out more and also, people will remember them better.
There actually isn't much characterisation going on here since the story seems to be going more for the horror factor. However, one thing I find slightly unbelievable is how instantly, Hana knows that there is an intruder in the house, and that it's not a rat or something that's making the noise. I'm nitpicking here, but maybe it would be make more sense if Hana says that she thinks that there is an intruder in the house, because without the two words in front, it really seems like she had known that there was someone beforehand (which I suppose isn't the case).
The characters also don't have much impact on me, but I guess it's understandable since this is a oneshot centered around horror.

Plot: 11/20
Like I said before, the message of the story is only explained in the description so the story itself just seems like your average horror story. Realism-wise, I wonder about the identity of the guy and why he wants to take the life of Hana (and her baby) even though it's pretty much a common scene in horror stories. I actually guessed that Dongwoon was the guy, but then the story never revealed anything else about him so it still ends as a mystery.
The ending ends well, leaving questions in the readers' minds that will make them curious until the very end. However, you should also include some hints to the answers in your writing so that the readers wouldn't be confused after finishing the story. For instance, why did the guy choose to kill Hana of all people (and leave Yoseob unharmed)? Who is Dongwoon? You should be very careful when providing clues to the answers of some of the questions since if you give too many clues, the suspense of the story will be lost.
All in all, it's a great horror story, but it doesn't stand out very much (I like that Hana's voice later sounds through the phone; it adds into the creepiness factor!). Realism can be worked on (even if it's a horror story) and your message should be conveyed more effectively.

Flow: 5/5
Pretty consistent and well-paced. The POV also stays as 3rd POV.

Grammar & Vocabulary: 7/15
There are several mistakes, some which can be rather distracting.
italics - missing words/punctuation. bold - spelling/grammatical errors. underlined - fragments/sentence structures. strikethrough - unnecessary words/punctuation.
"You are the most beautiful woman with a heart of gold that I have ever known, and I promised to protect you with my heart and soul." - "You are the most beautiful woman that I have known, and not only that, you also have a heart of gold. Today, I promise to protect you with my heart and soul."
"I will love you forever and we will create a beautiful moment together." - "I will love you forever and we will create beautiful memories together." Since they're getting married, it doesn't make sense for them to create just one beautiful moment, therefore 'beautiful memories' would be more appropriate.
"It ended with a zealously applause from the crowds." - 'zealous applause' will definitely fit better, and witnessing the two's marriage is only a 'crowd'.
"It is about the baby?" - This isn't a question if it's phrased as such, in fact, it should be a sentence. The only way this sentence can become a question is when 'is' is switched over with 'it'.
You have a slight tendency to switch tenses so do take note of that. Stick to only past tense if you're using past tense, and stick to only present tense if you're using present tense.
Your sentence structures can use some variety, but there is little repetition occuring with the words, so good job on that!

Description & Emotions: 8/10
Even though I can see that there is effort put in in describing the behaviors of the characters, I still think that their emotions can be better depicted. For instance, Hana's fear can be shown better if she 'fervently taps Yoseob's shoulder' instead of just 'touching his shoulder', and Yoseob's longing for Hana can be expressed better as well (I honestly don't think that he misses Hana at all). Personally, I think this is more of a word choice problem so do attempt to use more specific words to evoke emotions from the readers.

Format (Graphics & Layout): 10/10
The posters are very well-made and relate to the story itself. The format is also neat and tidy.

Overall Enjoyment: 3/5
I've actually found myself enjoying this story mostly because I like horror stories for their thrilling/creepiness factors. The characters kinda bothered me in a way but other than that, I do like the story. 

Total: 61/100 //C (=) 
Once again, I apologize for the long wait and hopefully you're pleased with this review! You have potential in writing thrilling horror stories, but do take note of some of the other aspects as well and you're good to go. Thanks for requesting and pelase do not forget to follow all the rules.

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