unfelt by signup



Criticism Level: 10

Title: 5/5
It's not a title I've seen before. Short and sweet, it does catch the eye of angst fans. At first I predicted that the story would be about a main character friendzoning the other main character. Well, I was close at the beginning, but the reason why the story is given the title 'Unfelt' is surprisingly different.

Description & Foreword: 10/10
Wow, a sentence can really summarize the story. It doesn't really reveal much information, but it does interest the readers. I love how the prologue is written but I do think that the character introductions are unnecessary. Nevertheless, both the description and foreword are relevant and intriguing.

Characters: 14/20
In my opinion, the characters are not fully developed. They possess little to no flaws, pretty much like gary-stus.
I am astonished seeing Luhan's love and patience for Sehun. I mean, he technically isn't Sehun's guardian. Most people, sadly, would just leave their friend behind like that due to frustration. I can understand why he would flare up sometimes; as patient as he is, he has a limit and in fact, the times when he shows anger adds realism to his character. It is upsetting that he has sacrificed his life for Sehun, since like you've mentioned, Sehun is physically alive but mentally dead. There isn't any point in saving him as harsh as it sounds, but I guess Luhan wouldn't feel good if Sehun is physically gone as well. There is not a specific image about him that etches himself into the readers' minds, simply put, he is easily forgettable. And as an author, it is important to create memorable characters that will not fade away easily from the readers' minds.
Kai has the same issue; he is a nice guy and doesn't really have any flaws. I am glad that Kai and Luhan are friends despite them loving the same person; it shows how much they value their friendship over love.
Sehun, like Luhan, doesn't dare to convey his feelings to the other because they're both afraid that they will spoil their friendship, which is quite depressing. Sehun after the accident is really terrible; he is emotionless towards Luhan despite the relatively long time they spent together, yet nobody can blame him for reacting the way he did. I actually pity him for not being able to feel anything; there's really no point to a lifeless life.

Plot: 14/20
The story doesn't have the most original or fantastic plot ever, yet it still touches people with its simplicity. Although the ending is pretty cliche, I still tear up nevertheless. I'm glad that Sehun doesn't magically remembers Luhan at the end. It's more realistic and heartbreaking this way. The part about him throwing away Luhan's letter really got me.
There are some unrealistic parts which I am skeptical at. The illness is really no joke (I didn't know that such an illness existed at the first place) but it is an interesting discovery. Luhan and Sehun dreaming about the accident is slightly unbelievable but what sticks out to me is the accident itself. Can a roller coaster actually stop all of a sudden (and at such a dangerous position) and also, can the safety buckles unlock themselves coincidentally which result in the fall of the passengers? There are roller coaster accidents that have happened before but that doesn't really sound believable to me. By the way, why did the hospital release Sehun? He doesn't seem okay to be discharged.
The story does teach me a few things. Really cherish what you have, because you never know when you will lose it. I appreciate the fact that there is meaning to this story because that's really the point of a literature work, to convey meaning to the readers.

Flow: 5/5
The POV stays consistent as third, the first part focusing on Luhan with the second part focusing on Sehun. The story flows well (I have to mention that the beginning part is a bit draggy, however, but it doesn't affect much).

Grammar & Vocabulary: 11/15
All in all, your story is relatively free from grammatical errors. There are a few mistakes here and there but most can be easily fixed if you read through your story a few times.
"All he knows is that he dropped a tear..." - Remember to stay consistent with the tense of the story. "All he knows is that he has dropped a tear..."
"He never let Sehun know..." - Since 'he' is singular, 'let' should be singular as well.
"...that he gifts to his caller." - 'gift' is the noun form of 'give'.
"I'll never forget how much you sacrifice for us." - "I'll never forget how much you have sacrificed for us."
"Luhan always lose." - As mentioned before, since 'Luhan' is singular, 'lose' should be singular as well.
You do not use over complex words which makes your story easy to read. Sometimes, you have a tendency to repeat words like 'laugh', 'together' and 'say'. Do vary your sentence structure slightly so that your writing will not sound monotonous. 

Description & Emotions: 8/10
You do put in the attempt to be detailed but there are some scenes when you can be more descriptive. Using more figurative language will help to create imagery. Emotions can be better conveyed if there is more narration but the readers have no problem understanding the feelings of the characters. Other than focusing on actions and dialogue, you can also use behavior to express emotion.

Format (Graphics & Layout): 8/10
Sometimes you tend to write more dialogue over narration which you have to be cautious of. Anyway, your format is neat with readable words. While your poster is pleasing to the eye, it doesn't give off the romance vibe that much (it seems like an autumn-themed poster).

Overall Enjoyment: 3/5
I have enjoyed the story, and it'd be even better if the characters are further developed.

Total: 78/100 //B (+) 
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