FIRST IMPRESSIONS (14/15)

Title: 5/5

Since your story is only ten chapters in, you have not fully brought out the relevancy of the title yet. However, I think it is quite easy to see the relation; 'killers' refer to none other than the two main characters while 'star-crossed' perfectly reflects their opinions of each other at first impressions.

I do think that your story possesses a unique title (it has a twist to the typical 'star-crossed lovers'. Perhaps that is the factor that hooks the readers into the story, especially for those who enjoy stories related to gangs/murders. 

Description & Foreword: 4/5

The first snippet pretty much reveals the gist of the story; there were two empires who held grudges for each other, and they decided that two members would wed each other so that the resentment could be healed. I find the way it is written interesting (like a poem), but I still feel that it gives the readers a stereotypical point-of-view of the story (which means that they may think the story is about a typical arranged marriage where two people fall in love in the end).

The second part writes the part about them getting married in a more vague way (in the sense that they have to 'surrender their power to each other' despite being ruthless leaders). Therefore, it intrigues me more than the first snippet did (this shows exactly how important diction can be). 

All in all, I feel like the whole description does the story no justice mainly due to the impression it gives off. What I do like is how the first snippet is a poem and how the last sentence of the second part is worded. Other than that, the description is perfectly relevant to the story.

Format (Graphics & Layout): 5/5

I love the poster; it reflects the murderous atmosphere that surrounds the whole story. The background also complements with the poster well enough. Furthermore, the format also reflects sophistication. I barely have any qualms, though I do think that the repetition of the poem in every chapter is unnecessary.


WRITING STYLE (18/25)

Grammar & Vocabulary: 5/10

One thing that is particularly distracting is the inconsistency of the tense. There are multiple switches between present and past tense to the point that I have no idea which tense the story is using anymore. Do take note of this in future as it can be rather confusing for your readers. Note: I will take it that the story is in past tense throughout this review.

There are several relatively glaring mistakes.

italics - missing words/punctuation. bold - spelling/grammatical errors. underlined - fragments/sentence structures. strikethrough - unnecessary words/punctuation.

Foreword: "Lips the color of ripened cherries, skin soft and sun-kissed to perfection, and brown eyes shimmering like that of an angel." - "She had lips the color of ripened cherries, soft skin that was sun-kissed to perfection and brown eyes that shimmered like those of an angel." The original sentence is a run-on sentence. These kinds of sentences do appear in your story at times so do be wary of that.

Chapter One: "I was much more fit than my coward of a brother." - 'much' is a repetition of 'more'.

Chapter One: "My father stands from his seat, belly protruding and all, and comes forth to sit on the seat next to me." - Since 'belly protruding and all' is an added thought, dashes should replace the commas.

Chapter Four: "I sit at the right side of my father, completely apathetic with any form of socializing with any Exo trash, although I try my best to act like I truly cared." - "I sat at the right side of my father, completely apathetic towards any form of socializing with any Exo trash although I tried my best to act like I truly cared." There is a preposition error here; one can only be apathetic 'towards' something.

You have a relatively wide range of vocabulary but you do have the tendency to repeat certain words and sentence structures at times.

Writing Style: 13/15

There are attempts to describe the behaviours of the characters as well as the settings themselves and most of them are pretty successful, so great job! The frustrated emotions of the characters and the action scenes themselves are well portrayed. Furthermore, your writing style really fits the tone of the story as well as the characters; I can easily tell that Kai and Haera are brought up in rather rough environments.

However, I do have to point out that there are some occasions where your descriptions can be relatively vague (there are also times when they sound stiff/awkwardly written). I would also suggest for you to use more figurative language in the narration, but I guess it can be quite difficult since it would not fit the mood of the story (besides, the story is in 1st POV).


DIGGING DEEPER (48/55)

Characters: 18/25

Let me start from Kim Haera. She is portrayed as this cool, independent and mouthy girl who did not tolerate anyone who tried to give her a difficult time. However, when she saw how much the empire meant to her father, she did relent by agreeing to the marriage (even though she was still snarky with her words, but I thought it meant a lot coming from a girl like her). I can see that she really cherished her father and the empire although that was only vaguely mentioned. I do hope that you are planning to show more of her kinder side in the later chapters because if so, there would be a perfect balance (I believe for people like Haera who are not what they seem to be, the development for them should be image (with a glimpse of their kinder side) > gradual revelation of their kinder side).

Other than that, I cannot really comment on her personality because she is pretty much that blunt and bold girl throughout. I guess her upbringing and the environment she was in shaped her to become such a person. Either way, I do look forward to see how she would grow as a character.

Kim Jongin, on the other hand, is slightly less developed than Haera. I suppose that is because his other side has not been revealed yet (unlike Haera's). I was pretty surprised that he moved back one step when it came to the marriage, but I guess that shows that he is not really the obstinate person that people typically think; after all, since they are going to get married, they may as well get along.

The two's interactions are amusing in an odd way. Their intimidating and stubborn personalities are so similiar (which is why they dislike each other, I guess).

All in all, I cannot really judge the characters yet but I can already see some development in a few of them so I guess that is a good thing. One difficulty you may experience as you are writing may be keeping the consistency of the characters (for instance, Haera and Kai should not act overly fluffy to each other; they are empire leaders after all). 

Plot: 15/25

The plot is rather typical; it is about an arranged marriage within empires for the sake of an alliance. In the end, the couple who once hated each other would fall in love. Nevertheless, cliche tropes under good authors' hands can become excellently written stories, so the quality of the story ultimately depends on your writing. I do have a few tips: 1. Fully develop the relationship between the two main characters as well as their personalities since I guess that is your main focus. 2. Add interesting plot twists so that it does not end up too predictable. The Reds can be a good plot device if handled properly. 3. Do remember that the scenario here is about dangerous empires fighting for power. Therefore, the characters (Haera and Kai) should act like actual mafia leaders.

Other than that, I would like to point out some realism issues. I have no idea when this story is set but I suppose it is set in modern times. If so, then arranged marriage is considered a rather obsolete thing (besides, do mafias unite by getting the leaders to marry one another?) Still, I think this slight unrealism issue is rather understandable. I do find it shocking that the people actually possess guns (in S. Korea- it is not even in America or somewhere else) and the police does not even care.

I cannot picture out what exactly is the theme of your story yet, but I guess it is about the hardships of leaders (especially those who are leading illegal associations). They may act and seem tough but they have their own troubles as well. Nevertheless, I think romance is probably your main focus here (though I am unsure as to how you are planning to proceed with the relationship).

Flow: 5/5

The flow is rather well-paced and consistent so far. Do take note that you should not rush the relationship development too much in the later chapters. I usually dislike switching of POVs but I think that if you do that appropriately (which means that there should be no repetition of content and that it should not be overly done), then I think you are fine.

FINALLY (2/5)

Overall Enjoyment: 2/5

Arranged marriage fics are not my cup of tea but I do enjoy the subtle development that Haera has so far. If the story does evolve to become something interesting, then I think that the marks in this section will be even higher.


TOTAL: 82/100 (B)

ADDITIONAL COMMENTS: Hopefully the feedback here will be of use to you! Thanks for requesting and please remember to follow the rules!