the unexpected encounter:me and my annoying brother by dinithij



Criticism Level: 10

Title: 1/5
Personally, I don't really like your title. Firstly, it has pretty much revealed the whole plot to the readers, and secondly, it is too long. There is no memorable factor in the title nor is it attention-grabbing. It hasn't shown to be relevant yet (except maybe for the first part) but I guess that Tao will be revealed to be Kris's brother later on. Personally, I think that The Unexpected Encounter is a better title than Me and My Annoying Brother (although it isn't the most fitting title for your story either). Perhaps Annoying Puzzle Piece will suit your story the best out of the three titles (In case you're wondering, the puzzle piece refers to Tao while the jigsaw puzzle that he belongs to is Kris. Even though Tao is annoying, he is like a puzzle piece that completes Kris, the jigsaw puzzle. In future, you can consider using figurative language in your title; not only can it allure your readers, but it also has a deeper meaning behind it).

Description & Foreword: 5/10
Like the title, the foreword has already revealed the plot and in fact, a message of the story. Due to that, the foreword has lost its pull factor. Nevertheless, I think that the foreword fits the comedy genre of the story; there is a fun vibe given off from it which can attract some readers. The diary format definitely helps out in that area.
This doesn't affect your score but I find the character descriptions unnecessary as it is better for readers to learn about the characters through the story.

Characters: 11/20
Your characters are pretty much based on stereotypes; Kris is the cold and misunderstood guy, Tao is the childish guy while Jihyun is the innocent and kind girl. Giving your characters certain images is not a bad thing, however, they are not developed out of the images they are portrayed.
Let's start with Kris. He does seem like a stuck-up guy to be honest; firstly, he doesn't show much respect to his manager/friend at the first chapter and secondly, he really seems blunt and inconsiderate towards others. Kris is like the opposite of Jihyun; he's all covered in flaws. Even if he is truly a nice guy inside him, it is not well expressed to let the readers relate to him or even feel sympathy for him yet. Remember that actions speak louder than words; he shouldn't just use words to say that he is a kind guy inside, instead, he should show it.
Tao and Kris's interactions are adorable; they remind me of a mature older brother and a childish younger brother. Talking about Tao, he is my favorite character out of the main cast because he is most easily relatable. Although he is somewhat clingy and overbearing, he is pretty lovable (and somehow even more mature than Kris when it comes to emotional aspects). At the same time, he also shows that he has emotions and feelings (which is seen when the grandfather passes away). If you maintain him well throughout the whole story, he'd be an adorable addition to the story.
Jihyun's character really screams 'mary sue' even from the description itself. We never really see how she actually behaves but Kris's description of her just sounds so perfect and unrealistic. How did she fall in love with Kris when he doesn't seem very approachable to begin with? Does she have any flaws at all? 
Overall, portrayal isn't very original nor accurate. Not much development is shown yet but I do hope as the story progresses, Kris will learn to treat others the way he wants to be treated (which is shown in Chapter Seven to Eight). The characters are so far believable (with the exception of Jihyun and less so Kris).

Plot: 13/20
The plot revolves around Tao and Kris's brotherly relationship and also Kris's relationship with Jihyun, though I think the former is more of the focus. It's a pretty linear plot but if written well, it can turn out to be a meaningful and hilarious story. Realism-wise, the story is okay. This story seems more like a character-driven story rather than a plot-driven story so most aspects have been discussed in the Characters section.
Since the story is still in its beginning stages, I can't say much about the themes although the theme regarding the fact that words can actually hurt is pretty meaningful.
Realism-wise, the story is all right though I find it odd that Kris readily accepts Tao in considering that he is a famous actor, and besides, Tao is a stranger to him.
The story is a bit predictable; it is kinda expected that Tao will end up being the brother of Kris and that Kris will probably end up with Jihyun. Portrayal-wise, the story isn't exactly original.
Why is Jihyun leaving, by the way? The whole idea about her leaving is just so sudden and abrupt when she isn't really introduced into the story.

Flow: 3/5
The flow is kinda bumpy; Jihyun's leaving is especially abrupt and out of place. The story is consistent but regarding Luhan and Jihyun, a lot of information is lacking. POV stays consistent as first POV.

Grammar & Vocabulary: 8/15
Grammatical mistakes vary from glaring errors to odd sentence structures.
italics - missing words/punctuation. bold - spelling/grammatical errors. underlined - fragments/sentence structures. strikethrough - unnecessary words/punctuation.
Foreword: "Sometimes in life (punct) unexpected things happen. Whether you want it to or not to, it still happens. Sometimes (punct) it's annoying and tiring. Sad and hard to bear up. But at the same time (punct) it can bring forth the happiness we've never dreamt of. And it can be the turning point of your life. This is what happened to me, I guess. Finding my blood brother I never knew of is quiet unexpected, isn't it? After all (punct) he kind of completed my life." - One of the mistakes you tend to make is missing commas. To avoid making such a mistake again, you can read the sentences you wrote out loud and identify the instances when you have to pause for a short while. All those pauses will be the locations where you have to place commas at. Do refrain from starting a sentence with 'and' since it is meant to be a conjunction after all. "Sometimes in life, unexpected things happen. Whether you want them to occur or not, they still happen. Sometimes, life is annoying, tiring, sad and also hard to bear. But at the same time, it can bring forth happiness we've never dreamt of and become the turning point of our lives. This is what happened to me, I guess. Finding my blood brother I never knew of is quite unexpected, isn't it? After all, he kind of completed my life."
Chapter One: "After this movie, I'm going to go to an uninhabited area and get away from this annoying people, telling me what to do." - The underlined portion doesn't link well to the sentence. "After this movie, I'm going to go to an uninhabited area and get away from this annoying people who keep on telling me what to do,"
One thing that has especially bothered me is the punctuation of the dialogue as you would either end a dialogue with a full stop or with no punctuation at all. (For instance: "Hello." he said. / "Hello" he said.") Take note that whenever your dialogue ends, a comma should be placed. (For instance: "Hello," he said.)
Words used are simple but easily understood with some reptition in sentence structures and words. 

Description & Emotions: 4/10
Some words you used are pretty vague; some of these examples are 'happy', 'sad' and 'angry'. To fully express the emotions of the characters, do attempt to be descriptive when it comes to their facial expressions and actions. There's a lot of telling but little showing for that matter; in fact, the story has too much dialogue which results in little narration. Cutting down on irrelevant dialogue would allow you to write more narration and in turn, you would be able to be more descriptive. 

Format (Graphics & Layout): 10/10
Your layout is all right though the font changes in the foreword are slightly distracting. The poster is pleasing to the eye and is relevant to your story as well.

Overall Enjoyment: 1/5
I don't really like many aspects of the story but if you do improve as you write, I'm sure that the story will turn out to be a fun and light-hearted one.

Total: 56/100 //D (-) 
I apologize if I've been too harsh since I'm reviewing your story with a newer format that can be pretty critical. Nevertheless, I hope this review helps you to improve your writing. Thank you for requesting and please remember to follow the rules!

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