survivor by anniewilson



Criticism Level: 10

Title: 4/5
It isn't the most unique title ever but I guess it does tie up with the story well. The title does hint to the story (originally, I thought the story is about war and it turns out that I am quite close). Personally I don't find it extremely eye-catching, but it is a pretty good title.

Description & Foreword: 8/10
Relevant enough, but there isn't a hook in the description that grabs the readers' attention. Perhaps a question will be a better ending for the description. (e.g. Through her story, can he find a key to the world's salvation?) I don't like character introductions but I do find the summary of the Infected interesting, though you can include information of other characters in the story itself. You can also consider writing a small paragraph for the foreword.

Characters: 15/20
Hyerim is a well-developed main character. Her troubles and struggles are well presented and I can understand the motives behind her actions. The change in her behavior is inevitable; humans adapt and change to the environment and that is exactly what she did. It is pretty upsetting, but for survival, she has no choice. I do believe that she is a strong girl and hopefully she will persevere on since there is a long way to go for her. I find her actions pretty odd in Chapter Ten, however. She seems to have given in to Kyuhyun too easily; I mean, her image of is probably tainted. Although most of your readers who have commented hoping that Hyerim will find love soon, I beg to differ (although I know that your recent chapter shows otherwise hu.) I think that she is too broken for love and it will probably be difficult for her to recover considering that Luhan had left a permanent scar in her mind (at a young age, even). Besides, as horrible as it sounds, she has a mission to complete. She can't afford to let love distract her. Until now, I still feel the same way but JackRim is a pretty cute couple. Let's just hope there won't be any heartbreaks in the future.
I see that some commenters are putting the blame on Fei and Minah and as much as I dislike weak characters, I can see where they are coming from. Not everyone is strong, besides, they're probably terrified about the idea of lying in front of their master Yifan (not to mention the fact that he gives them tragic memories) and maybe, they didn't trust/doubted Hyerim. As side characters, their development is all right and they also provide variety in the characters' personalities.
Personally, I think Henry, BamBam, Jackson and Jongin have really similiar personalities and none of them actually sticks out to me. They are all nice and kind to Hyerim and they don't seem to possess any flaws at all. Sehun and Kyuhyun's relationships with Hyerim are more unique and distinguishable than the former four. It'd be great if she doesn't end up with anyone as well, but from the recent chapter it seems like you are going onto the relationship path. Do try not to rush things or make Hyerim over-reliant on Jackson for emotional support (she needs to be independent herself too).
The characters aren't really portayed originally. There's this side of good people and another side of bad people. The only person that is developed slightly from the bad people side is Yifan, but it still isn't considered much. I wonder how Yifan is obsessed with Hyerim all of a sudden and even thinks about marrying her (as a careful man, I don't think he can have trusted her enough to leave everything he had for her... but maybe he really is a psychopath or something). Even though I don't think he is really in love with her (I mean, he doesn't know who she really is, her hobbies and what she wants/needs in general) but when he died, I did pity him a bit. Sure, his feeling for Hyerim may be 99% obsession, but it seems like he really trusted her (his will says so at least) and his behavior after Hyerim showed her true colors really says it all. I just wish that he, and along with the other antagonists, can be more developed and not just the "evil and cruel guys".  

Plot: 14/20
The plot isn't exactly original, but I have always found these sort of stories fun to read. It touches on a lot of social issues in real life (slavery and war). The message you want to convey in the story seems to be the consequences of war; how war affects people mentally and physically, and how families and friends are separated because of humans' greed.  
I like how Jessica, someone who is experiencing love, is sharing opinions about love with Hyerim, someone who thinks she is too broken for love. Since they have experienced different situations, they naturally have different opinions about it. What Jessica mentioned about (the difference between doing it with someone and doing it with a special someone) is indeed true and it would be interesting to see how Hyerim's behavior will change now that she has found the one that she truly loves.
The story is doing okay realism-wise though I am a bit skeptical about Hyerim being able to influence the cyborgs(?) and having some sort of authority. I mean, she was a slave before. I'm not sure how China works in your story (considering it is way after 2014) but the Chinese and Koreans do not really have good relations, so I am surprised that not a single person spoke up.

Flow: 5/5
Flows relatively well, maybe except for the part when Kris suddenly confessed to Hyerim. POV stays consistent (excluding the first chapter). 

Grammar & Vocabulary: 13/15
Your story is mostly free from grammatical errors with occasional slips.
Chapter One: "I didn't know how old I was but I knew it was something between 21 and 29." - 'something' placed here doesn't sound quite right. Also, try to spell numbers out unless they are big (I guess I would consider 1000 and above big). "I didn't know how old I was but I knew my age was somewhere between twenty-one and twenty-nine."
Chapter One: "They couldn't hesitate when killing an Infected or a looter, they couldn't hesitate to kill a dog or a cat for food, they couldn't refuse to leave a bitten/scratched loved one behind." - 'They couldn't' and 'hesitate' are repeated in the sentence. You can phrase the sentence in a way to avoid repetition. "They couldn't hesitate to kill an Infected or a looter, nor a dog or a cat for food. 
Chapter Four: "...and nothing as initimidate as what I've been..." - I believe that you mean 'intimate' here.
Chapter Eight: "I always thought Luhan would be the first man I killed..." - Hyerim hadn't killed Luhan yet so it should be in future tense.
You have a wide range of vocabulary; words used are usually appropriate and fit into the context. There is little repetition of words and some variety in sentence structures.

Description & Emotions: 9/10
There is a successful attempt in bringing out the characters' emotions with the use of actions and dialogue. However, there isn't much description about the physical appearances (e.g. How does the abandoned building look like? You can also write about the change of the physical appearance of a character, for example, Hyerim's mother. Perhaps she used to look youthful and lively before the Beginning, but during/after the Beginning, wrinkles start to form on her face and her body seems more fragile than ever. A somewhat horrible example but you get the idea.)

Format (Graphics & Layout): 10/10
The poster is really relevant to the story so I have nothing to comment on that. Overall, the format is okay (you can consider having a background for your story, however). 

Overall Enjoyment: 4/5
A meaningful and intriguing story to read. Definitely one of the best stories I've read recently.

Total: 82/100 //B (+) 
I've rewritten some parts of the review after reading your last chapter, and I apologize if I have missed out some things. Thank you for requesting and please remember to follow the rules!

» layout credit