incompletion by anastasiaeka



Criticism Level: 10

Title: 4/5
"What is incomplete?" That is the question I asked myself once I had seen your title. It isn't outrightly appealing, but it is alluring in its own way. The title is also easy to remember, and that adds in the memorable factor. So far, I don't really see the connection between the title and the story but I believe that it means that Yoona or/and Yuri feel incomplete when the other isn't with her. It doesn't exactly stand out at first glance, however.

Description & Foreword: 6/10
The description doesn't really say much on the story itself. One has to watch the trailer to know more. However, some people like me may not have the habit of watching trailers. Nevertheless, the definition and quote are well-placed although the extreme vagueness can be off-putting for some readers. The relevancy is there so I have no questions on that.

Characters: 14/20
Starting with Yoona, I like that she isn't a typical rebellious wealthy girl and that her mind isn't focused on going against her parents. I am able to understand why Yoona cannot force herself to love Donghae; it is so obvious that she hasn't moved on from Yuri after all, and love is not something that can be forced. Compared to Yuri who is better at hiding her true feelings, I suppose Yoona is more emotional and stubborn (maybe because she is a rich man's daughter after all), and those traits of her make her seem more human. Nevertheless,  I do wonder what exactly has caused the fight between the both of them since it hasn't been explained clearly in the story. 
Yuri's backstory is tragic. Her mother died and she puts all the blame on herself. However, she is portrayed as a strong and independent person that doesn't let her emotions show. I do admire her strength and will. She tries not to show that she is breaking down inside and just keeps her troubles to herself. Although I personally like her, she is still less developed than Yoona. Not many flaws of her are exposed (other than her family background).
Donghae is way too perfect from what I've seen so far. I doubt that he truly loves Yoona (they don't seem to know each other on a deeper level) but his actions really say otherwise. Does he have any flaws in him, or is the whole "perfect guy" image just his facade?
As for Krystal... well, she seems like the typical horrible girl, but her reasoning is somewhat understandable. Rich people's hobbies and way of living are entirely different from the poor people's after all. I do hope the positive side of her can be shown more in the story so that she won't just be another stereotypical mean girl. 
So far, all the characters' actions are believable (except Donghae's) . Not much growth has been shown yet since the story is still at its early stages, but Yuri and Yoona have shown that they have adapted and grown based on their circumstances. There is nothing new about the portrayal of the characters yet (Yoona's being debatable). 

Plot: 13/20
The story is pretty linear; the main character is set up on a blind date with a guy, but her heart is actually with that guy's best friend. Other than that, it also has the rich vs poor love triangle kind of plot. That being said, the plot isn't portrayed in an original manner so far. Krystal is like the evil parent (since the parents don't know yet, and she's Yoona's cousin so it is quite close) that forbids the whole relationship idea, though I'm glad that Yoona understands Krystal's intentions. I also have this feeling that their parents will not agree to this relationship later on either. It is kinda predictable in a sense, but you're only five chapters in so you have plenty of time to add twists in your story.
Realism-wise, the story is fine but one thing has been bugging me. It's about the starting of Yoona and Yuri's relationship. Firstly, the whole Yuri-sending-Yoona-back-home is a bit odd (they're still strangers after all, but perhaps it is just me). Also, I wonder how Yoona and Yuri got along considering that they're people in different classes so naturally, they would have different tastes and hobbies altogether. That's just me nitpicking, but I don't have any issues with the rest of the story.
The message obviously has something to do with the whole idea of social classes but the whole theme isn't very clear yet. Now think about it; what would be the purpose of this story? Is it to tell a story about how YoonYul face hardships throughout their relationship or is it something deeper? Do think about the direction you want your story to head into and the feeling you want to give to your readers after reading it. Personally, I think that an ideal story would be one where the readers can cry and laugh together with the characters, though your opinions may differ.
One thing I like is the gradual development of the relationship of Yuri and Yoona (especially at the gloxinia scene); do maintain it at this pace and never rush through it.

Flow: 4/5
The flow is smooth while the story is consistent except for one part; Yuri and Yoona really don't seem like two ex-friends who hasn't met since their last fight. Actually, they don't seem like they had a fight before. I find the POV changes a bit jarring but others seem to welcome different POVs, so I guess it is fine.

Grammar & Vocabulary: 10/15
There are numerous mistakes; a lot of them which are pretty glaring. Nevertheless, your English is okay for a non-native speaker.
Chapter One: "I could feel eargerness surrounded me as the people started to chanting happily about the prospect of meeting their families or relatives who ____ waiting for them below there." - There are a few errors found in this sentence. The first mistake is a SVA error; whenever a verb follows a verb and a noun, that verb should be in its root form. The format is like this: Verb Noun Verb (where the 'Verb' in bold is in its root form). Therefore, 'surrounded' should be 'surround'. Another thing is that the verb after the infinitive 'to' should be in its root form as well, so 'chanting' should be 'chant'. Between the underline and 'waiting', there is also a word missing ('were'). The last one is due to my own personal preference; I just feel that 'below there' doesn't exactly sound right. Perhaps 'down there' would be a better fit.
Chapter One: "Having an academic achievement, earned a bachelor's degree at a young age and return home with face uplifted and received praise from the people about how proud they are of you." - This whole sentence is a fragment; it cannot stand as a sentence on its own. I'd suggest you not to include so many parts in one sentence as you may confuse both the readers and yourself. I've rewritten the sentence and separated them into two sentences. They may not convey the meaning you want to express originally but you can still refer to them and see how they are written like. "People would probably love to have academic achievements and a bachelor's degree at a young age. If they could return home with an uplifted face and receive praises from the people about how proud they were of them, they might feel very elated as well."
Chapter One: "Even though this was not how I had imagined my way to spend my youth; surrounded by a tons of thick books but my parents had a faith in me and to make them proud is all I want." - This is an improper use of the semicolon. The semicolon is used to connect two independent clauses but the latter part cannot form a sentence by itself. "Even though I had not imagined my youth being spent in a mountain of thick books, my parents had faith in me and to make them proud was all I wanted."
You have a slight tendency to change from past tense to present tense. Do stick to only one tense unless you're switching from flashbacks to the time your story is taking place or vice versa. 
You do attempt to vary your sentence structures but not all attempts are successful. Practice really makes perfect in this aspect. Do read some of the more complicated sentences to yourself and see if they sound right. If not, they may need further revision. There is not much repetition in words.

Description & Emotions: 7/10
Attempts to be detailed can be seen, however, a bit more work can be done. Donghae is described to be "more handsome" in the first chapter, but how is he "more handsome"? You can be more specific by stating that his hair was spiked and the new hairstyle enhanced his features, for example. Some words you use are vague and may not fully express the feelings you want to convey. 

Format (Graphics & Layout): 10/10
Simplicity is perfection, and that shows from the way your story is formatted. Both the poster and background complement with the story well enough.

Overall Enjoyment: 3/5
I don't usually like plots similiar to your story's but it is an okay read for now. With further revisions, I am sure your story will improve and be better.

Total: 71/100 //C (=)
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