leaning on the edge by chubbyfacediva



Criticism Level: 9

Title: 5/5
When I first saw the title, I thought that somebody was pressured or forced to do something. It definitely gives me the angst vibe, and it doesn't reveal too much. It's not too long and other than that, I am intrigued to find out more about the story after reading the title. I haven't seen such a title before, so it's pretty unique. Originality check, relevance check, attractiveness check - you've gotten yourself a perfect title that goes well with your story!

Description & Foreword: 10/10
Wow. I'm not a fan of Shakespeare but the speech fits Jaejoong's situation so well. I don't think that 'Read to find out' is necessary but that's just a minor thing. The description is totally relevant to the story and the angst genre, besides, it reveals just enough to catch the readers' attention. The prologue gives some background information but not too much. All in all, well done for your description and foreword!

Characters: 19/20
In a way, Jaejoong is pragmatic and unsympathetic. Even though he is a pretty typical cold and lonely person, I think that he is rather unique in his own ways. I can understand how he felt his times in DBSK bittersweet, but one thing; if Sooman is such a horrible CEO, why are Yunho and Changmin still working under him? You somewhat talked about it in Chapter 1 and 4, but I didn't exactly understand. To sum it short for Jaejoong, he lost his friends, his career life failed and he lost his love too, so I can see why he chose to commit suicide (sadly, most stories never use the word 'suicide' correctly). Just wondering; why did he forgive Boa? Is it because of his love to her? (It would be nice if there is some more information about their relationship, but that's just a thought.)
Now, for Boa... I did feel that the fic is Jaejoong-centric so her presence wasn't very impacting. In my opinion, she is a pretty complicated character because at Chapter 4, she had obviously been horrible to Jaejoong, but she actually loved him. Though, when you love someone, don't you try to do everything and anything to protect him or her from harm? I feel that Yunho and Sooman's characters can definitely be explored further, but it doesn't matter all that much since they are side characters. I don't really like how Sooman is the antagonist (maybe because he's always one in most stories) but I'm glad you show that he has feelings (evident from Chapter 5). All in all, I love that you have shown both positive and negative sides for every character (even the antagonist) and they certainly seem more like real humans rather than mary sues, gary stus or just the plain bad guys. That is a great feat seeing that your story is only six chapters!

Plot: 17/20
Suicide, unfortunately, does happen in real life because people are unable to overcome the obstacles they face in life, and they choose to escape their problems by leaving the world. There are also some other reasons, but I think that is Jaejoong's main reason. So yes, your plot is portrayed realistically enough. The concept is actually pretty basic, yet you manage to intrigue people with your writing. (I wouldn't say there are many twists, but more because of your descriptive writing and characters.) People who suffer from depression may be able to relate this well, but I guess it'll be hard for average people because they won't really understand why Jaejoong chose to take his life. The story doesn't end happily which is totally all right (I don't like happy endings anyway) but I kinda feel empty when the story has ended. It's like... there's a million of questions going on in my head. What will happen to Boa, then? Did she move on with her life or go through the same phase as Jaejoong did? What about TVXQ? The story doesn't have a proper resolution which may be intentional, but I have rather mixed feelings about it. There are, however, many learning points in this story (some more cliche themes, some more unique themes).

Flow: 4/5
The flow is relatively smooth and fine, and even though I can understand Jaejoong's suicide, I think that it's a bit too sudden. Other than that, the events flow naturally and your POV stays consistent.

Grammar & Vocabulary: 13/15
'...or do you take arms against the sea?' - 'take arms' doesn't really sound right; maybe 'take your arms'?-grammar, sentence structure, spelling all comes under here.
'The feeling at the pit of his stomach has been growing tighter recently...' - Your story is past tense, so 'has' should be 'had' (you use past tense when your story is a recount, so it doesn't exactly make sense to use the word 'recently'.)
'...at least he had the identity of 'YongWoong JaeJoong' call his own...' - 'to' should be placed in front of 'call'.
For thoughts, don't use any quotation marks - just have them in italics and that will do.
The above are just some errors I've noticed in your foreword, and you do have minor mistakes here and there but there is nothing too distracting. Your work, besides from the occasional slipups, is relatively fluent.
I have nothing to say for your vocabulary because it's exceptional. I do notice that you repeat 'ask' quite a number of times, so do try to refrain from doing that.

Description & Emotions: 10/10
As I've mentioned before, your writing is descriptive and there is emotion; the characters feel like real humans. Figurative language is used and a clear image is formed in the readers' minds. I'm really left speechless here, so keep up the good work!

Format (Graphics & Layout): 8/10
Your layout is simple and the words are readable enough. There are no problems with your layout as everything is presented neatly; nothing distracting. Your poster is lovely, but it doesn't seem like angst to me maybe because of the color scheme. Using cool colors will be better for angst posters. The phone and letter serve as great additions to the poster. I like the gifs; most of the time, gifs will cause computers to lag but it should be okay if you are using incomplicated ones. I suggest having a cloudy-like image for your background to go with the gifs, but that's just my own opinion.

Overall Enjoyment: 5/5
I really enjoyed this thanks to the beautiful writing and the realistic characters. There isn't anything that distracts me too much so this is probably one of the most enjoyable stories I've encountered.

Total: 91/100 //A (*)
I rarely give stories marks above ninety and I don't think I've given full marks for Overall Enjoyment before, so that explains a lot. As you've gotten a (*), your story will be featured! I apologize for the slow review and I hope some of the tips I've given have helped. Thanks for requesting, and do not forget to follow all the rules!

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