between me & you by dinithij



Criticism Level: 10

Title: 1/5
Honestly I don't really like the title because it isn't exactly eye-catching nor unique, and it is pretty vague in my opinion. What exactly is between 'you' and 'me'? The good thing is that it ties with the story itself, however, the title is essential to grab your readers' attention so I do suggest you to change your title if it is not too much of a trouble. I can't really think of a great title at the moment, but some examples are Paying the Price and Love for Friendship, but I am sure you can think of titles that will better fit your story!

Description & Foreword: 9/10
I find the way you introduce the story interesting... It is not really a summary of the story, but a poem from Baekhyun to Chanyeol. The poem itself has given insight to the story, so not only is it relevant and reveals just enough details, it is also original and interesting which I have to give you credit for. I do not think that the character introductions, quotes and second part of the Friendship vs Romance section are necessary.

Characters: 15/20
Honestly I find Dara kinda stereotypical and possesses little to no negative personality traits at all. However, she doesn't annoy me as most mary sues do maybe because she is not a main character, but just a geniune friend that tries to make everything better. Also, it is understandable since your story is a one-shot and she is a side character as well. Taeyeon does not appear often in the story, but I can say that she plays a pretty important role. One thing I keep wondering is the reason why Taeyeon accepted Baekhyun, and why Baekhyun liked Taeyeon. By the way, it is somewhat weird for someone to be mad at someone just because he or she has not replied to his or her call, so I do not understand why Baekhyun is so worried that Taeyeon will think bad of him. The last part is really funny especially because of Baekhyun's thoughts. I'll say that you have the tendency to overexaggerate things, so do try to refrain from doing that!
All in all, I like Chanyeol and Baekhyun, but their personalities definitely have some areas of improvement. The relationships are strange though... it certainly seemed like Dara is the friend while Chanyeol is the girlfriend or something. You can still work on originality, but the characters are understandable and I can put myself in their shoes.

Plot: 16/20
Your plot portrays the typical scenario that will happen between best friends, but to be honest I feel like the secnario fits better with girls as the main characters. Then again, I do not know if guys actually fight because of one of them being too close with his own girlfriend; I actually think that guys do not mind all that much, but some who are more sensitive and emotional may. Chanyeol is a happy virus, he should be okay even if Baekhyun keeps going out with Taeyeon. Other than that, it is pretty realistic, but the ending is not something unexpected so you may want to add more twists to make the story interesting. Nevertheless, it does teach the readers a few themes even though not all of them may be very unique, but this is definitely a meaningful story.

Flow: 3/5
You are using third POV which is not a bad thing, but it is as if the narrator knows everything that is going on in the two guys' minds. Do refrain from doing that as it can get confusing; either stick to one person or change POVs appropriately. The flow is all right until the ending; it is too rushed to be honest, and I feel that something is lacking.

Grammar & Vocabulary: 11/15
Never use symbols for titles, it looks awkward and '&' can be replaced with 'and'. There are numerous grammatical mistakes here and there which can be fixed easily by proofreading and editing your work. Here are some major mistakes that I have noticed:
Do not use 'much more'; that is over emphaisis. Instead, you can do it like this: She is much sadder than before. or She is more upset than before.
'...all the feelings in this world are sunken into one person...' - I do not think that 'are sunken' is right here. Perhaps 'have sunken'?
'He, again, starts calculating all the facts...' - 'calculating' is not the right word to use here. Be very careful when you use words and avoid using the wrong words!
You have asked me for advice regarding the tense switching. I do notice a few mistakes so here's what I suggest: Start at the past, and end at the present. To elaborate a bit more, the relationship between Baekhyun and Taeyeon can be moved in front with the conflicts happening in the middle and the conclusion at the end. It is also more organized like this. If you want to stick with what you have now, I will say that you have to be very clear which sections are the flashbacks and which is the present. Editing is also really important to ensure that you make the least number of mistakes as much as possible. I do not really know how to explain this... so hopefully my suggestions have helped somehow.
I can see that you put in effort in your writing, and you definitely attempt to add in figurative language that will bring out the feelings of the characters. For that, I give you credit! If you need help with finding a complex word to replace a simple one, you can use a thesaurus to help you. It has helped me a lot on my writing as well. Remember to vary sentence structure (but do not attempt to make your sentences too complicated to understand; you will make mistakes more frequently like this.) I apperciate the use of metaphors, keep it up!

Description & Emotions: 4/10
Your introduction is still all right, but then as the story progresses, there is more dialogue and less narration. I strongly discourage writing too much dialogue and little to no narration. Even though it is possible to express one's emotions using words, there can be many hidden emotions behind that person's actions and thoughts. If you do not narrate, then you cannot fully convey the feelings of the characters to your readers. Do attempt to cut down on dialogue, and instead, focus on small details; even the smallest things matter. Also, avoid writing irrelevant things like "Hello" and "How are you?".

Format (Graphics & Layout): 8/10
Your format is honestly a bit weird, it is like between a layout and the basic format. It is best to stick to one or else it will be very distracting. I like your original layout, but I have mixed feelings for your poster. Simplicity is great, but then, maybe you want to add some things to the background to make it look more appealing.

Overall Enjoyment: 3/5
Something I've always liked about your stories is that they are friendship-themed, and that they are really relatable. I've enjoyed reading this story, but still some aspects have distracted me quite a lot.

Total: 70/100 //C (=) 
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