marine by minderaser



Criticism Level: 10

Title: 1/5
As a word, 'Marine' is not a very common title but I do not really understand how it is relevant to the story since there is no part in the story that relates to water. It doesn't relate much to the story's genres either. One thing I like about the title is that it is short and sweet, but the title itself is not intriguing since it is rather vague.

Description & Foreword: 9/10
It is not very common that a story is introduced using a poem here so that is a plus point. Your poem is quite straightforward; it expresses the strong love that Jin has for Arson. In my opinion the poem can be improved especially at the ending where I feel that it ends slightly abruptly. Also, instead of using the vague and overused phrase 'I love you', you can say that Arson was etched in Jin's mind constantly (a somewhat bad example, but that's the rough idea). However, it is still a good attempt, and I think readers will be interested to check out the story after reading the poem.

Characters: 16/20
The characters are pretty unoriginal but not to the point of unrealism. I can understand why Jin, inside his heart, would still harbour a glimmer of hope that Arson was actually alive. After all, Arson's corpse was not found. Some people can move on more easily (like Rachel for example) but some people like Jin cannot, especially since that person is someone whom he loved very much.
Rachel is the supportive best friend and I like her interactions with Jin and their friendship. Maybe she can be developed further as a character but since she just serves as a supporting role, it is fine. Jin's love for Arson is really commendable as I think about it... not only did he wait for Arson for three years (or rather, four), he also did not mind staying with Arson even though his mental state of mind was messed up. There was simply no protests nor complaints, which led me to wondering what had happened that made his love for Arson that strong. Although there can be people like him in the world, I highly doubt that anyone will accept it so readily without considering of some more serious issues beforehand. I have nothing much to say for Janus and Arson since not much of their personalities is shown but seeing Janus's behavior, he was probably not brought up in a very happy family. In conclusion, some parts of your characters are quite unbelievable but they're nevertheless still likable.

Plot: 11/20
The plot is quite overused in my opinion; someone's lover disappears and he waits for him to come back. What I find very predictable is the part when Jin finds that Arson is still alive. Actually, it does not really make sense for the sergeant to stay mum about them having found Arson for a few months. He would at least notify Jin about the news beforehand.
In my opinion, the ending is the of the story and when the mystery bit comes in. The story ended quite abruptly and honestly I still have lots of questions in my mind. What happened to Janus? Why is it that Arson can remember Janus but not Jin? What happened next? It'd be nice if you can write a sequel and answer some doubts that your readers may have (but not all) so that your readers can better understand your story.
I cannot really pick out the themes of this story... You may want to convey a message about love, but what is it about love? Is it that true love means waiting for and believing in one's loved ones? What about Janus and Arson? What do you want to say about family? To me, themes are the most important part of a story but in your story, I cannot seem to identify any.
In conclusion, there is something big missing in your story and maybe you can find a better way to end your story without giving away too much or too little information. Your story is able to hook my attention but the ending is slightly a downer.

Flow: 4/5
The POV stays consistent as third person POV that focuses on Jin. I think the flow is quite okay until the ending where everything drops from the rising action to the ending.

Grammar & Vocabulary: 13/15
There are a few grammatical errors here and there but most of them are minor. Overall, there is nothing that distracts me too much.
"...rustling the surviving dead leaves..." - 'surviving' and 'dead' contradict each other; do you mean 'the surviving leaves' only?
Do take note that in the phrase 'each others company', there should be an apostrophe at the end of 'others'. An example that is similar to this phrase is 'each others' books'.
'cried hugely' - I think that 'hugely' is not a very appropriate word to use. The word 'a lot' will be more appropriate, or you can replace the two words with 'wailed' or another better phrase/word.
'...but he pushed that aside and introduced himself, they automatically clicked and were inseparable'. - 'They automatically clicked and were inseparable' can be a new sentece on its own. 
Spelling errors include 'millitray', 'Quite staring' and 'plotted down'. 
Try not to start a sentence with 'and' since 'and' is supposed to be a conjunction. Your vocabulary is great (I notice that you do try to replace 'said' with other words which is a good attempt). You may want to try and vary sentence structure a bit more to make your writing more interesting.

Description & Emotions: 9/10
You do try to create imagery and describe the characters' actions but perhaps you can use more figurative language to build more vivid images inside your readers' heads. The characters' emotions are well conveyed despite the lack of thoughts; you typically use actions and dialogue to convey the feelings of the characters. Do keep it up!

Format (Graphics & Layout): 8/10
The size of the text is a little small and sometimes I have to squint my eyes to read the text. The format is relatively neat, and while I think the poster is done quite well, I wonder why there is a boy and a girl. If Jin and Arson are the main characters, there should be two boys, right? Through the poster, I cannot really tell the genres of the story so relevancy is the issue here.

Overall Enjoyment: 2/5
I did not really enjoy the story as much as I expected myself to due to the plot. It is well-written in terms of grammar but somehow, it does not really evoke feelings in me.

Total: 73/100 //C (=) 
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