FIRST IMPRESSIONS (12/15)

Title: 3/5

I am a bit iffy about the relevance of the title. While Jongin did make a promise he did not fulfill in the story, he did not make two or more false promises so perhaps the title should be 'False Vow'. Another thing is that while it is related to the incident (of Jongin breaking his promise he has made to Yoomi), it is not exactly relevant to the theme.

Although the title has the same meaning as common titles like 'Broken Promises', there is a certain mysterious aura to this title that captivates the readers and allows itself to stand out from other stories that have similiar titles. I guess this shows how much word choice matters.

Description & Foreword: 4/5

The description is short and direct, but it pretty much sums up the start of the actual story. Even though the request is revealed, the readers do not actually know the context behind it and so, they will be unable to predict how Jongin makes his decision. The questions in the description also helps to ignite the readers' curiosity, thus pushing them to proceed reading. This is a minor nitpick, but the quote "Till death do us apart" seems kind of random. I wonder why it is included in the description because it does not seem too relevant to the story.

Format (Graphics & Layout): 5/5

The layout is both neat and sophiscated, thus fitting the atmosphere of the story well enough. Not only that, the poster fulfills its purpose and adds to the effect.


WRITING STYLE (22/25)

Grammar & Vocabulary: 8/10

Your grammar is almost perfect, but there are some minor mistakes which can be corrected easily with a few edits or so. The common mistake I notice is the improper use of a semicolon.

italics - missing words/punctuation. bold - spelling/grammatical errors. underlined - fragments/sentence structures. strikethrough - unnecessary words/punctuation.

I feel like the first part of the introduction should be in present tense. After all, the points mentioned there are still present.

"We were helpless puppets trapped within the ticking seconds in a clock; our strings forever manipulated by Fate's elegant fingers." - As mentioned, I think 'were' should be in present tense since we still are helpless puppets. I am a bit unsure about the second error I have pointed out (since I am not that skilled with prepositions myself), but I think it may make more sense if 'of' replaces 'in' instead. The use of a semicolon is to connect two independent clauses, so the correct version should look something like this: "We are helpless puppets trapped within the ticking seconds of a clock; our strings were forever manipulated by Fate's elegant fingers."

"At first he stared out the window, at the busy streets of Seoul." - "At first, he stared out the window and at the busy streets of Seoul."

No doubt, you have a wide range of vocabulary, but at times, you would repeat certain sentence structures which can be somewhat repetitive overtime.

Writing Style: 14/15

Your writing style is extremely beautiful, especially the way you are able to piece words together to form vivid images in the readers' heads. Not only is it easy to visualise the scenes in my mind throughout the story, but I can also feel the complicated emotions and oppression Jongin is feeling. There is a wonderful use of figurative language here that makes this piece very soulful and impactful.

One thing I want to nitpick on is that there is too much description at the beginning. It can be a bit draggy (and in turn make the story seem draggy since it is the introduction) especially because it is rather irrelevant to the main point of the introduction. I would suggest cutting down the first two paragraphs to just one if you would really like to start off with a beautiful beginning.


DIGGING DEEPER (47/55)

Characters: 20/25

First and foremost, let me start with none other than the female lead, Yoomi! Well, like many others have mentioned, I do think that Yoomi was a very selfish person, but at the same time, there is a reasoning to her selfishness.

Impression-wise, indeed, she was extremely self-centred. All her thoughts were revolved around herself and herself only; she never spared a thought for Jongin and her parents. Her insistence on Jongin to marry her (her, a stranger whom he never met?) makes me question whether she truly loved Jongin at the first place. Not only that, she always referred Jongin as 'Kai' and had never cared for his feelings. It is evident that to her, Jongin was a mere possession she wanted to own before she died, nothing else.

Funny enough, when Jongin blamed himself and her parents blamed him for her death, I feel like that is exactly what she wanted. If she could not get Jongin, she will make sure he would be unhappy for the rest of his life. What is a better way to do it than instilling guilt into him? Therefore, she killed herself to overwhelm Jongin with guilt and allow her parents to avenge for her. I actually sympathised with the parents to a certain extent because the only daughter they loved was just using them (from asking Jongin to marry her to defaming him in the end).

Still, even when she seems literally inhumane, I realise that there are people called 'sasaengs' and in a way more severe case, 'serial killers'. Why is it that humans can start out as innocent, untainted babies and turn out as such unbelievable people in the end? I feel like the story has brushed across this question although it is not explicitly stated anywhere.

When Jongin first saw Yoomi's picture, she was this beautiful, normal girl who probably never expected that she would be diagnosed with cancer anywhere in the future. Of course, 'expected' is the key word; we can never predict life after all. All of a sudden, she was told that she had cancer, and she was going to die in eight months. Basically, there was like a time bomb inside her and perhaps in the past, she would have worried about silly things like looking good in front of her crush or things like that, but at that very moment, she would have to start worrying about when her life was coming to an end.

Who can handle it smoothly if he or she is dropped with a bomb like that, and especially Yoomi, who seems like she had been spoiled all her life? I believe upbringing is one important factor that shapes people, so while I did mention I feel sympathy for the parents, that is merely due to their love for their daughter. However, it seems like Yoomi's life might have turned out differently if they set limits for her from the starting point. Another thing I notice is the part when Yoomi mentioned that she was ugly. That probably hit the hearts of many people and not just cancer patients. Society is so looks-obsessed which influenced her to be equally looks-obsessed as well.

I am actually curious as to why Yoomi wanted to marry Jongin at the first place, but I figured since he had this 'bad boy' image, she was just interested in that charimistic image he would show on stage. Also, Yoomi seems like a person who liked a challenge as she would get what she wanted if she set her mind to it, and Kai does seem like a person who is out-of-reach and unobtainable. 

Anyway, all in all, while Yoomi is hateable in every way (which is probably your intention), I do think her actions and behaviour are understandable even though my hatred towards her still does not fade. You are also one of the few people here whom I see have the ability to write an antagonist character tastefully, so kudos to you! It is not easy, I must say. The downside to Yoomi is that she has literally no developmet in the story, but that is probably intentional. It would probably spoil the purpose anyway if she suddenly becomes a good person in the end (and it would certainly be a no-no for me!)

Compared to Yoomi, I think Jongin is not so interesting maybe because he is pretty much the main here after all, so there is less intrigue about him. Nevertheless, I do like the way he is characterised (and I think it does fit the real Kai in a way). On stage, he was the ever charimistic bad guy Kai, but offstage, he was that innocent and helpless boy. It seems like he had difficulty in making his own decisions, and it probably is due to the fact that his parents pampered him too, but probably in a different way than Yoomi's parents do.

Jongin was indeed compassionate, but I do not think that is the downside to him (he just happens to meet unfortunate people, that is all) although I find it shocking that he did consider the proposal of Yoomi's parents. Some idols, like him, might be kind enough to talk to the parents, but I highly doubt they would even consider the proposal. It is just a believability issue, I suppose. Jongin may be somewhat innocent and compassionate, but he is an idol. Like what Joonmyun said, there will probably be many fans that will be like Yoomi. Besides, why should he, a guy in his twenties, marry some random girl who is going to die soon (and possibly tarnish his career if anyone else is to find out)? Even lovers may not do that if one is to find out that the other has cancer. That is the part which I find weird.

The part when Jongin's true personality was revealed is none other than the scene when he met Yoomi. He decided to marry her only because of his fear that she might curse and take over him (in another word, he felt guilty), not because he was that super kind person. After that, at the last minute, he told Yoomi that he was unable to do it even though he already made a promise at the first place. Sure, he was in quite a predicament, but it was as if he gave false hope and life to Yoomi before destroying the life in her again. When he came back home later, he then smiled (without regard of Yoomi's feelings; he just smiled because he was free), but after knowing Yoomi's death, he consumed himself in his guilt once again. It just made me wonder whether he was really that good-natured guy everyone believed he was. Maybe he was, maybe he wasn't, but regardless, I do like the fact that he is not characterised as perfect.

The ending confused me a bit because I was not sure if he committed suicide because of Yoomi or if it was because of something else. Perhaps it was due to both. As an idol, he thought he was influencable, but it was to such little extent. He was actually just an ornament for the public to possess. I feel like he had always been caged (being an idol and with those restrictive parents and all) but the incident with Yoomi just made him realised how truly trapped he was. Maybe he decided to escape by taking his own life like that. 

I do not have much to say about the other characters, although I did catch a glimpse of how everyone's personalities are like even though they only appeared for a short while. 

In conclusion, there are a few unbelievable parts (mainly with Jongin's decision to marry Yoomi at the start). There was barely any development here (I sorta expect Jongin to do something about his situation but he died instead. Perhaps it fit better that way; he was not really that heroic-like character after all). I enjoy the portrayal of the characters here; both mains are portrayed as polar opposites but I feel that they have more similiarities that people can imagine (they are not what they seem to be).

Plot: 22/25

I have never seen a story which combines cancer, idollife and marriage together, so this is something new for me. Midway through the story, I did predict that Jongin might really marry Yoomi, but my guesses are wrong. While this story does include some overused tropes, it is still relatively unpredictable and this is how it maintains the interest of the readers. You have also portrayed the troubles that idol in a fascinating manner.

The story, itself, touches on many topics, but its focus is mainly on idollife. Right now, idols are just like dolls placed in the market with different images to attract fans. However, these 'dolls' may not be how idols really are like. Still, people like Yoomi are attracted to these 'perfect, charismatic' facades and begin to view idols as romantic partners. Some with other personal issues or with wrong mentalities may just make crazed decisions like how Yoomi does. It reflects on how dangerous the idol occupation can be to both the idols and the fans themselves. 

Freedom is a key problem here. Being an idol, Jongin already has 75% of his freedom taken away with paparazzi stalking him and (possibly) with his personal belongings confiscated by the company. Basically, he can barely go anywhere without being scrutinised and has to watch his every action, especially if he is on camera. Yoomi's appearance just reinforces the power of sasaengs, and that as long as he became an idol (worse, a popular one), he has to deal with the possible consequences behind it. I guess this is how popularity becomes a double-edged sword. When one is popular, he or she gets a lot of money but very little privacy. When one is not, he or she rarely gets income and may be despised by the other popular ones that way. It is upsetting, really.

Yoomi's behaviour is astonishing as it also shows how things like sickness can be used to threaten others just to gain sympathy. There are rarely cases like hers (or if they are, maybe I have not heard about them) but there are some occurrences where people do use their sickness to obtain additional assistance (which I cannot really blame them for, honestly). Regardless, I do think that this story is rather meaningful and that it reflects on important issues on life.

Realism is the part that may be somewhat lacking here. Other than the marriage between Yoomi and Jongin, I think it is strange how Jongin's popularity is so indomitable that defaming rumours do not affect him, but I guess it depends on other factors, like whether there is sufficient evidence (or even make-up ones) that can deceive the public, whether Jongin has such loyal fans and what Yoomi's parents used to defame him at the first place (as well as their power in the industry). Still, it can be unusual because stars usually receive backlash when these kinds of rumours come up (the worst case would be T-ara, although they did type all those determination tweets). Nevertheless, these are just minor problems and it is fine to have some unrealism in a story.

Flow: 5/5

The flow at the start is paced a little slow to show the inner conflicts that Jongin has, but later, Yoomi's death comes a bit abrupt. The suddenness is not detrimental to the story, however, so I suppose the flow is still considered consistent and natural.

FINALLY (5/5)

Overall Enjoyment: 5/5

I did enjoy the story because it does bring light to some perpetuating issues, and I really love how the striking emotions and conflicts in Jongin are portrayed.


TOTAL: 86/100 (A)

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