Of Camps and Broken Hearts by LilyLisa

Genre: Yuri, a bit fluffy, slice-of-life

Characters: Jennie, Lisa, Rose, Jisoo

Status: Complete

Jennie doesn’t do relationships.
Lisa is a hopeless romantic.
Rosé thinks those two should end up together.
And Jisoo feels like it’s all her fault.
But perhaps, some songs by the campfire and small tents will help them sort out their problems.

The Review

Title (4/5)
It's a very elegant title, and I think it fits the vibe of the story very well. Although it is related to the story to some extent, I feel like there are certain details which are rather inaccurate in a sense. In the story, there's only one camp but the title gives off the feeling that there is more than one camp (this is more like nitpicking though). The bigger issue is the 'broken hearts' part. It makes me think that the story is going to be full of angst, but it's really a fluff story though the girls do have their hesitations and doubts before proceeding on with the relationship. In the end, no hearts are broken so I don't think the addition of 'broken hearts' is very appropriate. Maybe you can change it to 'Doubtful Hearts'? That certainly seems to describe Lisa and Jennie well.

Description (10/10)
I like how there are only five sentences in the description. It brings the readers straight to the point and it doesn't let too much information loose. These sentences pretty much summarise each character's feelings, so it's a really suitable excerpt to bring out the distinctive emotions of all the characters. Not much complaints, really.

Plot (17/25)
The plot is fairly simple. It is set in a camp and revolves around Jennie and Lisa's doubts and insecurities (more of Jennie's than Lisa's) and how Jennie eventually confesses her feelings with the help of Rose, Jisoo, the viper (lol!) and Sooyoung. As the events of the camp pace out, I'm happy that we get to see the girls bond with one another and that Jennie eventually realises the feelings she's facing and struggles to convey them. It's not the most original idea ever, but the execution makes the story all the more endearing. The doubts and disbeliefs that the characters face seem genuine, although there are some flaws to them (further elaborated on in the later section).

Each scene serves its purpose well, but what baffles me is the part regarding Lisa and Seulgi (again, further elaborated in the later section since it's more about the characters themselves). The story as it is is a nice fluffy read, but not exactly memorable because of the simplistic concept and lack of further depth beyond the romance. If the readers get to know the characters in a more intrinsic manner, like Jennie's past (the backstory behind why she didn't like relationships much, or if she grew up with certain ideals) and Lisa's reason behind loving romance so much, I think it may carve a stronger impression. Additionally, I wish the romance has more substance into it. I know teenage girls tend to judge based on appearances but Jennie and Lisa's relationship feels more of a 'oh we're pretty' thing rather than genuine love. It is fine for a fluffy story, but maybe I just have different personal preferences.

Writing Style (16/20)
It is a joy to read your writing. Somehow, your writing style has the magical ability to lighten up the atmosphere, and even in moments of doubts and hesitation, your writing is able to capture those elements well. You are not one for flowery language, but an author who is meticulous with the little details, which is a plus point. I especially like how Rose greets people with 'mates'. It's a small detail but it adds flavour into her dialogue (and it's humourous too!). You are able to bring out the feelings of the characters using their facial expressions, actions and thoughts. However, you tend to emphasise on what Jennie sees, thinks and feels, which is perfectly fine since we get to know more about Jennie, but it compromises the development of our other main character, Lisa, so you can think about finding the right balance between focusing on Jennie and Lisa.

Both the narration and dialogue is natural and carries a sense of humour in it. However, your writing style can come off as generic and not particularly striking. I can tell you that your story is extremely good and an interesting read. But it is missing a little 'something', and perhaps that's your own spice and flavour. It's a problem I have with sometimes, and there's really no way to go about fixing it except experiencing and practising. Experiment with lots of different genres and formats and perhaps you'll be able to write a story with a more distinctive voice in it someday. 

While you don't exactly make tense errors, you have problems with sentence structures. 
"So Jennie walked, or more like dragged her feet, taking tiny steps, one by one" - It seems fine technically, but it just sounds somewhat awkward. You can make it sound more natural like this: "So Jennie walked, or rather, she dragged her feet, taking tiny steps one by one."
“Well, she’s here, that must mean something." - You have a great tendency to use commas inappropriately. Note that independent clauses (phrases which can stand alone as sentences) cannot be connected with commas. Instead, they should be connected with full stops. "Well, she's here. That must mean something."
"However, the back of her right heel was badly scraped, a blister had torn." - You can't 'tear' a blister. Instead, you 'form' it. You occasionally use inappropriate words but it's not a major problem. "However, the back of her right heel was badly scraped. A blister had formed."
"But it wasn’t like she had some other suitable for the occasion boots" - Sentence structure error here. "But it wasn't like she had some other boots suitable for the occasion."
“Then why Rosé said that you two were making out?” - "Then why did Rose say that you two were making out?"
“What have you been talking about with Lisa when I and Jisoo went to get the food?” - 'I' should be behind 'Jisoo'. It's kinda like the standard sequence for listing names, to rank others more important than yourself. "What have you been talking about with Lisa when Jisoo and I went to get the food?"

You have a relatively wide range of vocabulary and dynamic sentence structures, so kudos to that!

Characterization (10/15)
The characters are decently developed, enough to make the readers feel for them, but it still feels like there's some sort of distance between them and the readers. The side characters aren't very developed beyond the molds that they're given. Jisoo is a party freak who feels guilty about introducing Seulgi to Lisa, but the guilt is described in a rather brief manner and doesn't seem to have much impact on the storyline or on Jisoo herself. Rose is this observant and caring friend who tries to bring Jennie and Lisa together. Sooyoung adds a bit more spice to the character cast, but her presence is merely a fleeting one and so she doesn't leave much impact (though I do love her entrance). We don't really understand much about Seulgi either, although it seems like there is a bigger reason behind her cheating. It feels like they exist for the purpose of the storyline, which is fine, but it also means that your story seems more of a story, and not a part of a bigger universe. The feeling of 'life' isn't quite there.

Lisa gets a bit more development than the rest, but just as she is about to develop beyond the mold she is given, the story ends. I suppose it may be due to the length constraints, but I feel that other than the fact that she's a hopeless romantic, we don't get to know her very well. Her liking for Jennie is actually quite sudden in my opinion, because from the very start, it has been stated that she felt betrayed after Seulgi cheated on her (or maybe she felt upset after realising she couldn't forget Jennie, but we didn't know that until the end), and there is simply no hint that she fell for Jennie at any point of time. It just seems like she's a very friendly girl and that's that. Plus, I don't know if it's just me but during the scene where Lisa reunited with Seulgi again, it felt like Lisa became a completely different person. I may have expected her to forgive Seulgi easily, but her nonchalance (and coldness) towards Jennie seems a bit out-of-character for her. I don't know if it's because she wanted to keep a distance from Jennie. Nevertheless, that's not expressed clearly so I think that's something you can work on. Lastly, the whole segment about her dating Seulgi to forget Jennie is... odd. It just seems very out-of-character for her to do so, since she is clearly a hopeless romantic and she seems more like the forthright kind of person. All these issues can be fixed with maybe just a few more ending chapters to clear things up rather than squeezing her development in one chapter, as well as better foreshadowing.

Jennie is great as the main character, maybe because we get to understand her perspective a lot so it helps us to relate to her. Although her hesitation may come off as annoying to some, I think it's understandable that she'll have doubts on confessing first, especially when she's not a firm believer of romance at the first place. I'm glad she eventually takes the next step, and I think Sooyoung and her can become really good friends!

All in all, I wish the characters have more fleshed out backstories so that we know what has shaped their ideals as such. The chemistry between the characters is great though; it really seems like they're genuine friends (although Jisoo and Jennie dislike each other), and the main characters' interactions are really adorkable. They care and worry for one another, tease each other like friends do yet they harbour bashfulness like a couple. I just kinda wish we get to see them have more coupley-like moments!

Flow (13/15)
The flow is pretty consistent, but the last chapter feels pretty rushed. A little more development will make things a lot better.

Punctuation (7/10)
The punctuation is fine, but take note of the placing of your commas.

Overall: 77/100

Notes

I'm not a big fan of yuri or Blackpink, but it's still a great delight to read this. The couples are just too cute beyond words! However, I do think some things can be improved to make your story even better. Hopefully my advice has been of some help to you! Thank you for requesting, and if you have any doubts or queries, feel free to leave a comment below :)

-Taurus