he woke up by jangmiziwen, annapanda97



Criticism Level: 10

Title: 3/10
Originality: The title really isn't presented in an original way. (0/2)
Relevance: Sehun woke up, yes, but in my opinion, the story isn't actually focusing on the fact that Sehun woke up. Instead, it focuses on the happiness one can experience being with your loved ones, or how Luhan would take care of his brother. (2/4)
Attractiveness: The title kinda spills the whole plot because basically, Sehun will wake up. It is also rather plain so it is not intriguing. (1/4)

Description & Foreword: 7/10
Relevance: I have nothing much to say since it is relevant. (5/5)
Attractiveness: I think that your description is way too long. I rewrote it, taking out some details which I find unnecessary. I also edited some parts:
Sehun has been in a comatose state since he was four years old. It is a miracle when Sehun finally wakes up; however, Sehun still acts a four years old even though he has a body of a sixteen years old. How will Sehun's life work out, and how will 19 years old Luhan, who has been by his side the whole time, react to this?
I leave out the "will Kris be by his side" since it seems pretty out of place in the description when the main focus is on Luhan and Sehun. (2/5)

Setting: 2/5
Relevance: I have mixed feelings for this because the hospital is relevant in some way... but not so much. (2/5)

Characters: 14/20
Originality: I cannot say that the characters are original. Kris is like the typical knight that comes to rescue Luhan, who resembles a damsel-in-distress (except that he isn't a damsel). Sehun doesn't have much of a personality. Luhan is a nice older brother though, and CL is a nice older sister. They both care about their siblings a lot. The parents are portrayed as jerks but I feel that there is something more to them, which I will elaborate in Believability.. (2/5)
Believability: Strangely as it sounds, I can understand how the parents feel. It has been ten over years after all, so it is natural that they will give up hope. Miracles rarely happen and they also have to consider the hospital fees. Their decision may seem cruel, but that doesn't mean that they don't feel anything. I can see that the mother is geniunely worried while the father less so. Anyway, I can also sympathize with Luhan and how he feels to know that his parents would want to kill his brother. Even though their actions may not mean harm, their thoughts are very different and maybe due to the lack of communication, they fell apart. I can understand why Luhan's parents do not accept homouality. In fact, I doubt that many parents can accept it so it is perfectly understandable. One thing I wonder about is the reason why Kris chooses to bring Luhan out of his sorrow and give him happiness. Not everyone is willing to help someone get over his or her problems. I do not get why Luhan's parents ask for custody. Didn't they say that Sehun was no longer like their son? Why would they want custody then? Well, I am sorry for the veryyy long post, but generally, I think your characters are believable enough. (12/15)

Plot: 15/25
Originality: It is actually kinda cliche, what with the thing about Sehun waking up and all. (2/5)
Believability: I find it unbelievable that Sehun wakes up so suddenly after being in coma for such a long time. The miracle happening itself is impossible, so I think that it will be better if you show signals first. Sehun's fingers will move first, then maybe his toes and then maybe some other parts of his body. Another thing I find unbelievable is the court situation which I have already explained some parts in Characters: Believability. Luhan is still 19 years old, and that is actually pretty young. Besides, Kris and Luhan are not actually married yet and things can happen. Tax evasion I may be able to understand, but neglection? I don't think Sehun can stay in the hospital that long if it is not for them... unless I am misunderstanding something here. Verbal abuse? Actually there isn't much verbal abuse but I guess what the father had said was rather harsh. (6/10)
Theme: There are a few themes which I have mentioned some in Title. There are some things that left me to think about. (7/10)

Flow: 4/10
Consistency: The scene about Sehun waking up comes too abrupt and the lawsuit ends really abruptly too. The ending, I have to say, ends pretty suddenly so I didn't really grasp the whole situation. (4/10)

Grammar & Vocabulary: 6/10
Grammar: "...four years old, when he fall..." 'fall' should be in past tense. The whole description's structure is also pretty awkward. Your grammar is relatively okay but you have to take note of your sentence structure. (3/5)
Vocabulary: There is area of improvement, but still okay. (3/5)

Overall Enjoyment: 5/10
Enjoyment: The flow disturbs me a lot and hence, I cannot fully enjoy your story. (5/10)

Total: 66/100 //C (=)
Additional comments: I hope I haven't been too harsh v.v I think that it will be a rather nice story if you made the flow more smooth and the plot more believable. I know the story is fictional so it cannot be 100% realistic, but I cannot really comprehend some parts. I like the themes in your story and the characters' personalities, so keep it up! Thanks for requesting and do not forget to follow all the rules :)

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