my name is hers by pandoralacey



Criticism Level: 10

Title: 10/10
Originality: There are many titles like 'My Name Is __', but it's my first time seeing 'Hers' on that blank. That makes the whole title unique. (2/2) Relevance: I have nothing to say; it is very relevant. (4/4)
Attractiveness: The title is short enough, and it makes the reader wonder. Even after reading the story, I still can't really figure out whose point-of-view is that. It may be what both of the girls are thinking though. All in all, it's a wonderful title and I can't think of a better one. (4/4)

Description & Foreword: 10/10
Relevance: You gave two meanings for the word 'rain', which is a part of the main female characters' names. Overall, the description and foreword are relevant to the story. (5/5)
Attractiveness: When people talk about rain, they usually think about water droplets coming down from the sky. You've given two definitions of the seemingly simple word 'rain', and that will interest people. I think the pictures of the cast are just unnecessary even though Luhan and Kris are renamed. Speaking about that, I wonder if there's any reason why they were renamed. Maybe I'll find out soon. All in all, I love the description and foreword. (5/5)

Setting: 3/5
Relevance: I guess that the setting is the school, and it isn't very relevant (maybe the part about them competing is). I have a feeling that the whole story won't just stay at the school, however. (3/5)

Characters: 18/20
Originality: Aennrain is in a way, cold-hearted (judging by the fact that she didn't help Annerain and kept making excuses at the prologue). She has sinned in order to survive to find her father. On the other hand, Annerain seems like the victim at the prologue who was betrayed by her classmate. And then, Aennrain is the popular girl while Annerain is kinda like the failure. They're not really original, but I'm glad you gave both Aennrain and Annerain flaws. Many female characters turn out to be mary sue-ish and yours do not, and that's something positive. (4/5) Believability: From the prologue, I actually thought that Aennrain would be the bad guy of the story and Annerain would be the good guy. I like that it doesn't turn out that way, because Aennrain does have a conscience (she just chooses to ignore it) and Annerain isn't a total saint either. In the prologue, you portrayed both the main characters and the stepfather well. (hopefully, it doesn't end with the stepfather being just a e. I guess I just like to see two sides of a character, regardless if it's a main or a side.) I don't exactly understand the last part though. What does she mean by 'survive'? It sounds like someone is searching for her in order to kill her. Does it have any other deeper meaning? Marvel is a very interesting side character. She isn't the typical kind of gossiper, and I can't wait for more of her personality to be revealed. Anyway, I am kinda skeptical at the part when Veikey touched the scar on Annerain's forehead. It doesn't really matter whether he seems sincere or not. She didn't let anyone touch her scar before, besides, she then knew that Veikey was Annerain's brother. Why would she let him touch it so easily?I can't say much for Veikey and Nelson because both of them just seem nice at the moment. (14/15)

Plot: 21/25
Originality: I've seen a plot about two sisters competing with each other, but this time, it's two girls that have similiar names. It doesn't seem very original right now but it has the potential to be an intriguing and twisting plot. (4/5)
Believability: The story makes sense. It's not confusing while it still leaves me hanging. I can't really address these issues as the story is focusing on the characters so far. The names are a great touch to the story, and I'm looking forward to see how big their significance will affect the plot. (10/10)
Theme: I haven't really learnt any interesting themes yet but it's okay since you're only at chapter four. Definitely angst and psychological -- no questions for that. (7/10)

Flow: 10/10
Consistency: I have nothing much to say as the flow is very smooth. I am somewhat distracted by all the flashbacks but I can see that it is necessary as it's always best to reveal a backstory little by little every chapter. (10/10)

Grammar & Vocabulary: 8/10
Grammar: Your grammar is splendid even though English is your second language. There are quite a number of errors.
'That ephemeral moments...' - 'That' should be 'Those' since the word 'moments' is plural. "
"It's only half past four," said Annerain." - 'said' should be 'says'.
"Never in all her eight years, has she imagine that her father's existence is indeed real." - "Never in all her eight years had she imagined that her father's existence is indeed, real."
'Her eyes are dart back and forth...' - 'Her eyes darted back and forth...'
"She shakes her head hard to calm herself down and convinces herself that it isn't her fault." - "She shakes her head hard to calm herself down, trying to convince herself that it isn't her fault."
"Both of them look at one another, the gazes that convey how precious they're unto each other." - "Both of them look at each other, their gazes conveying the preciousness of the opposite party to themselves." (I apologize for changing your whole sentence. It sounds better this way.) '...his hands are already encircled...' - 'encircled' should be 'encircling'.
The letter after the semi-colon ';' should not be capitalized. When there are flashbacks, the tense should be in past tense. Most of your mistakes are minor and can be easily fixed, so you should be able to identify them after reading through your story again for a few times. (3/5)
Vocabulary: Your vocabulary is exceptional. I have nothing to say. (5/5)

Overall Enjoyment: 8/10
Enjoyment: I really enjoyed the four chapters, and although the grammar distracted me for a bit, I am not too much of a grammar nazi so it's still all right. I'm interesting to find out more about the plot! (8/10)

Total: 88/100 //A (*)
Additional comments: Your story's plot and characters are very intriguing. Keep up the great work! Thanks for requesting, and please do not forget to follow all the rules.

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