Two Tears by Tookeyoo 

Genre: Sad romance

Characters: Jeon Jungkook, Rose Park

Status: Complete

Jungkook watched her. He stood there and watched her pick out her dress. The dress she would wear on her big day. He would watch her walk down the aisle. And marry, someone well deserved. Unlike himself. He kept his feelings for her a secret. He kept his sickness a secret. He hated to see her cry. Rose didn't want to marry him. She kept her feeling for Jungkook a secret. She feared being left alone.

The Review

Title (2/5)
Honestly speaking, I do not really see the relevancy of the title to the story. There are mentions of crying in the story, but why is it that there are 'two tears' specifically? Is it because Jungkook and Rose are intended to be symbolised as these 'two tears'? I am guessing that is the case. If so, I think presenting that idea more clearly in the story itself would bring a stronger connection to the title. The title itself is fine since it does evoke the readers' curiosity and allow them to wonder why the story revolves around two tears specifically, but it can be a let-down once they see no connection of the title to the story.

Description (6/10)
Including Jungkook's own thoughts and feelings towards Rose is a nice introduction, especially since his feelings are going to play an integral part in this story. However, the description is rather misleading in a sense... What it suggests is a possible love triangle drama between Rose, Jungkook and Jimin, but in reality, Rose and Jungkook have mutual feelings for each other and Jungkook is bringing Rose and Jimin together because he believes he, alone, would not be able to provide happiness for Rose. In order to present this idea, I think you need to shift the focus of your current description so that it's actually relevant to the story. Additionally, the description as it is is not appealing enough since it still presents a very cliche concept. I like how you use short sentences, however; they are straight to the point and somehow convey more emotions than long sentences can. 

Plot (9/25)
As much as I would like to understand the storyline, it does get a tad bit confusing. The original idea is that Rose was going to get married, but some things don't make sense. Firstly, I'm pretty sure Rose should buy the wedding dress with her parents and Jimin... It's just kinda weird that Jungkook is the one accompanying her no matter how close they are. Well, the only reason I can think of which serves as an explanation is because Jimin doesn't actually like Rose and is marrying her out of obligation, but we the readers don't get enough context and details to understand what is going on. This results in a lot of confusion on our part. 

That brings me to my next point. You lack a lot of details in your narration, and this can result in confusion and even plot holes. For instance, you stated that 'Jungkook begged Jimin for days to marry her', but you never go on to explain why he did so, or why Jimin even accepted, or why Rose even accepted when she clearly loved him. Besides, marriage is not something so easy. Why would they accept to marry each other just because Jungkook said so? Maybe you actually have a story for this, but your ideas are not clearly presented at the moment and they need further refining and elaboration.

Thirdly, at every scene, I feel that you do not focus on it enough to expand on the details, like their facial expressions, actions, gestures, thoughts and emotions... You are missing out a lot of key details, which is a real shame because all of these are important for a sad romance story. Even the basic exposition is missing. From which part onwards did the illusion start? Did it start the moment they reached the wedding store or did it start from the scene where Rose changed to her dress? If it started from the moment they reached the wedding store, then why didn't Rose actually change to her dress? Why is it that Jungkook fantasised such a picture? And even if he did, how did Rose look at the picture which is fantasised by Jungkook? There are just a lot of questions in my head after reading your story.

Forthly, the ending is really abrupt. There is no proper conclusion to the conflicts you introduced, like Jimin and Rose's wedding, Jungkook's illness etc. We just know that Rose and Jungkook can't be together. So it just leaves a very empty feeling behind. Additionally, because of the poor execution of the events, the cancer idea and forced wedding tropes seem very artificial and ingenuine, like they are just there to stir up drama.

If you organise the structure and clarify some doubts I had mentioned before, then I think this story would be a lot better. What's most important in a sad romance fic is really the emotions, thoughts and feelings of the character, and I don't think your story has presented those to the readers. While I do appreciate the theme of a bitter separation between two people who love one another, yet one has to give up his feelings for the other person's good, I think there would be more nuances of meaning behind the story if you explored more dynamic ideas beyond just that one idea. As mentioned before, I like how you have just single sentences rather than a chunk of paragraphs. It makes the story easy on the eyes and also amplifies the emotional effects.

Writing Style (12/20)
Your biggest issue is punctuation. For dialogue, do take note that the end of your sentence can only be an exclaimation mark, question mark or comma. There are only full stops if there is no 'said...' behind your double quotation marks. Your usage of commas are also inappropriate sometimes. You also tend to have awkward phrasing. Generally, you have no issue with tenses so that's a good point.

"Stores are getting warm on the inside, you need a dress." - Comma should be a full stop or a semicolon since 'you need a dress' is a statement. 'Stores are getting warm on the inside' is a little awkward... Just simply state 'Stores are warm' or 'Stores are shelters from the cold outside'.

"They examined various flowers in a large supply of colors." - This sounds like there are flowers among colours. Better phrasing: "They examined various flowers with a variety of colors."

"Jungkook smiled a small smile..." - Unnecessary repetition. 'A small smile formed on Jungkook's face' is fine enough.

Sentence structures are repeated at one scene (notably at the part where Rose saw the medicine) but otherwise sentence structures are rather varied so good job on that!

As mentioned earlier on, you tend to lack details and tell more than show (sometimes you dont even tell enough). For instance, during the part where Rose can't sleep, you chose to simply state 'Her biggest fear was being left alone' but you never actually show how she was scared or insecure. Maybe she was trembling... or maybe her mind was cluttered with worries that Jungkook was going to leave her. Maybe her heart was palpitating, or maybe she was chewing her nails out of fear. There are many things you can talk about, so just explore and see which key details would fit Rose the best. This also helps to shape her personality. 

You can consider using literary devices or analogies just to paint an even more beautiful picture of your story, but focusing on the little details, actions etc is good enough :)

Characterization (7/15)
The characters feel rather lifeless. I don't know much about the two main characters except that they love each other, which may be fine since it's the main focus, but I wish there was some development of their relationship before we go into the angsty parts. This sudden jump into the angsty parts before they get invested into the characters and their chemistry can throw readers back.

Jungkook is all right as the main character, although I think he has rather flawed ideas. He cares a lot for Rose and her wellbeing, but the problem is that he pushes a wedding on her without regarding her feelings towards the matter. Maybe she ended up being fine with it, but either way, this whole idea does bother me a little. I guess can sorta understand it though considering he was sick and wanted Rose to find a better guy. I wish we got to know more about him and how he came to love Rose.

I pretty much know nothing about Rose except that she fears to be alone. I wonder if there's a deeper backstory behind it. I am also very curious about her motives behind accepting Jimin when she clearly loves Jungkook (besides, she didn't know of his illness yet so it couldn't possibly be because of that). 

There is no growth in the main characters... I don't think Rose really changed her mindset or had a sudden realisation even after finding out about Jungkook's illness. If she really loved him, wouldn't she confess her feelings to him before it was really too late? Even if they couldn't be together, wouldn't she at least let Jungkook know about her feelings? I also kinda wish we could see Jimin in the story as well just so that we can have an idea of how his personality is like. 

Flow (5/15)
The flow is rather jumpy. You jump from focusing on the marriage to the illness and to... the fantasy? There are no proper transitional paragraphs which are important to keep the story's events flow smooth. That sudden switch of third person POV at the ending is kinda out-of-place. Perhaps you can leave two lines between every paragraph just to make the distinction that the scenes are changing.

Punctuation (5/10)
Punctuation can be very messy what with the random commas and inappropriate punctuation before the double quotation marks. Otherwise, it's fine.

Overall: 46/100

Notes

Thank you for requesting! I would like to apologize if I had been too harsh on my reviewing. I just gave my honest opinions and suggestions as much as possible. If you have any queries or any doubts on what I said, feel free to clarify with me and I'll be happy to discuss with you again. 

-Taurus