FIRST IMPRESSIONS (14/15)

Title: 5/5

When I first saw the title, the word really piqued my interest because it does sound unusual. Furthermore, since it is a German word, it does stand out from the plentiful (although I am just curious; is there a particular reason why you have chosen a German word as your title rather than the word 'experiences' itself, or is it because you simply want your title to have a certain style of stylishness to it?)

I am really amazed by the significance of this one-word title. There are plenty of stories with definitions for their titles, but this is on another level. Its core definition is experiences, yes, but more importantly, 'Erlebnisse' is about vivid experiences which we live in. That really increases the memorability of the title, as well as the originality.

I have nothing else to say in terms of relevancy because I feel that it does fit with the story perfectly, and in fact, it is a word that rings so true in life. In conclusion: This is a perfect title for your story.

Description & Foreword: 4/5

At first glance, the description seems a bit too straightforward for my liking but objectively speaking, there is nothing really wrong about it. It still arouses my curiosity towards the story and brings up relevant questions (e.g. What are the obstacles that KaiSoo will face?). However, I still think that it is missing a little something... Perhaps it is a 'wow' factor that makes this description unlike any others. Still, I like how denial and honesty are paired together, even when they are supposed to be contradictory.

Also, I like the excerpt because it does sound poetic and also emphasises on the difference between KaiSoo's relationship and others', but it doesn't bring anything new to the table (from what we know in the description).

Format (Graphics & Layout): 5/5

I'm not going to say too much over here, but I feel that your simple layout is perfectly fine for your story. Sometimes, simplicity is the best. I also like the picture of Kai and D.O. gazing at each other; it accompanies with the story well.


WRITING STYLE (22/25)

Grammar & Vocabulary: 7/10

Take note: Try not to start a sentence with 'and' or 'but' because they are meant to be connective  words. Starting with these words will result in incomplete sentences. There are also occasional punctuation errors (no need for commas before connective words). Also, be careful when you write long and complex sentences because it is very easy to make sentence structural and other grammatical mistakes then. Breaking the sentences down to smaller ones will be easier for you.

italics - missing words/punctuation. bold - spelling/grammatical errors. underlined - fragments/sentence structures. strikethrough - unnecessary words/punctuation.

Chapter One: "The man sat in the grass; staring down at the blank paper that lay atop his open palms as though it would self-translate the emotions that he wanted to express." - "The man sat in the grass; he stared at the blank paper that lay atop his own palms as though it would self-translate the emotions that he wanted to express." I think what you would occasionally mix up is the use of a semicolon. A semicolon is used to connect two independent clauses, and in this case, the second part cannot stand as a sentence alone.

Chapter One: "He liked to experience the pale boy's cheeks filling with tinted bashfulness because of movements he was making, because of his gaze and, even for a very small split second, as the white hand was enfolded within the darker one, Kyungsoo could belong to him." - "He liked to see how bashfulness tinted the pale boy's cheeks because of movements he was making and his gaze. Even for a very small split second, as the white hand was enfolded within the darker one, he felt like Kyungsoo could belong to him." I feel like 'experience' is not an accurate word choice because Jongin cannot possibly 'experience' the filling of the tinted bashfulness. Speaking about it, I don't think 'filling' should not be accompanied with 'tinted' so I have rectified that part a little.

Chapter One: '...much more severe...' - This is a common mistake but in actuality, 'more severe' is fine. The addition of 'much' is redundant.

Your vocabulary is spectacular and I barely have any criticisms towards it.

Writing Style: 15/15

I have to say that I love your writing style; it is very descriptive and creates vivid images in the readers' minds, and every action has a certain alluded meaning to it. The use of figurative language and various poetic devices allow the readers to feel the emotions that the characters are experiencing, as well as set the mood of the story. Repetition is also done appropriately and effectively. If I have to nitpick, I feel that it is best if you do not use contractions in the narration because your narration is meant to be formal (and contractions detract from the formality). 


DIGGING DEEPER (44/55)

Characters: 20/25

Firstly, I like the development of the relationship between the two main characters here. Both of them are similar (in terms of views, beliefs and love for music) yet different at the same time (in terms of their individual hobbies and music taste). I think it is actually realistic for two people who have been best friends for a long time to have moments where they may grow distant (because they do have other friends after all). I'm glad you have showcased that point, even when KaiSoo still remained as best friends.

The portrayal of the two's relationship as their feelings gradually grew to something more is realistic and touching. At the start, the romantic feelings they shared for each other are forbidden in society. They knew it, but the point is they could not control their feelings. Their breaking point began when Kyungsoo confessed to Yujin about his uality which resulted in a pissed Jongin (because he is also implicated in the rumours). The conflict between them is real; they might love each other but with love comes sacrifices, and Jongin didn't want to give up his opportunity.

Now, I'm going down to the characters themselves. Kyungsoo is the kind of character that pretty much went along with what society and others say (it's only logical to be heteroual). Even with Yujin, he simply went along with whatever she proposed and didn't have a mindset of his own. I think in the end, he showed some growth by facing his own problems head-on, although that reaped with unpleasant outcomes. (I'm just curious though: Why did he suddenly change his mind? Was his decision purely motivated by his drunken state and the appearance of Jongin?) When he decided that he would let go of Jongin, it also shows that he was going to move on with his own life. One thing I thought can be further expanded on is still his growth (be it his learnings from everyone's mockings or Jongin's death). That point will be further elaborated in the Plot section.

As for Jongin, he is a little more tempered and clingy than Kyungsoo but that is what makes his personality his own. I do admire his passion for his dreams, and that is further emphasised when he argued with Kyungsoo about it. It is just a pity that at the end when he discovered that perhaps he should persevere together with Kyungsoo, he died in an accident, but then again that is life itself. I thought Jongin seemed more reluctant to accept that he had feelings for Kyungsoo though, compared to Kyungsoo who already knew what he was feeling, and that was pretty unexpected considering their personalities (or is it just me?)

Yujin is just a side character but I think her presence adds more spice to the plot. Although I used to think she was a nice girl (and I also thought Kyungsoo should have confessed at the first place to prevent unnecessary heartbreak, but then again his actions are understandable), my mind changed a little after her breakup with Kyungsoo. I think it is natural for her to be upset but allowing her friends to do all those nasty stuff is a bit unacceptable (even though I figure it's her friends' fault, but still...) Either way, she is believable and serves her role pretty well.

Plot: 20/25

I like how the struggles of homouality are expressed in this story, and how people are so firm on their own beliefs that they force others to believe in whatever they want to believe as well. Peer pressure can be terrifying and in fact, it can lead to disastrous consequences and turmoil. However, I feel that what can be improved is the ending, because the ending doesn't link back to people's skewed views towards homouality (instead, it places emphasis on Jongin and Kyungsoo's relationship itself).

In the end, Kyungsoo decided to move on, but I don't actually like the ending itself because it feels... somewhat empty. I was actually hoping that Jongin's death would ignite his courage to prove to the world that homouality wasn't a disease to be feared (whether his attempts ended up being successful or not, but I thought it was a start). Perhaps that sounds a bit too heroic but I feel that that would be more fitting for the main theme.

There are also additional messages that are conveyed through this story and I actually like that; they make the whole story seem like a life lesson. Furthermore, the portrayal of Kyungsoo and Jongin's predicament is realistic and engaging, although there are little twists to the story. 

Flow: 4/5

I like the fact that the story is well-paced, thus allowing for gradual and better development of the characters. What I thought is a little abrupt is the panning out of the ending (not the death itself because it makes sense, but the occurrence of the confession itself and the events after the confession).

FINALLY (5/5)

Overall Enjoyment: 5/5

What I like most about this story is the theme regarding the struggles of homoual people itself (even though I feel that the ending can be improved on) because I feel like it is a perpetuating issue still. Hence, this story can shed light onto that matter. Your writing style is also enjoyable to read; things are not explicitly stated but implied, thus making the whole experience a meaningful one.


TOTAL: 85/100 (A)

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