FIRST IMPRESSIONS (11/15)

Title: 3/5

After searching the definition up, I realise that 'Lamia Lupus' means 'Vampire Wolf'. Considering that there are the two main characters, I do think it is a fitting title, but if we're talking about it in English terms, it isn't really a memorable one that has a bigger significance to the story. It does sound classy in Latin, but I think many people (me included) would appreciate a provided definition in the description.

Description & Foreword: 3/5

The description does give a little cliche opening to the story, but it does leave an idea hanging; people will be curious about the impending danger that Tao, Kris and their loved ones would face. Other than that, it is also relevant to the story.

Format (Graphics & Layout): 5/5

The format is presentable enough. The poster and background give me an ancient kind of feeling (an Egypt vibe). I don't know if you're going for that kind of feel since I'm not too sure when your story is set at, but for the most part, the aesthetics are relevant and beautiful.


WRITING STYLE (15/25)

Grammar & Vocabulary: 5/10

I think your most fatal mistake is run-on sentences; there are many times when your sentences would lack the proper punctuation marks. Be careful of that because it can be extremely distracting. Also, you can confuse the use of semicolons and commas at times. Try to avoid starting sentences with connective words like 'but' because they're not complete sentences in that case.

Just curious, but why is your foreword in present tense while the main story itself is in past tense?

italics - missing words/punctuation. bold - spelling/grammatical errors. underlined - fragments/sentence structures. strikethrough - unnecessary words/punctuation.

C1: "Making a face the blonde male wiped it off with the back of his hand and gave a wolf a light kiss on his nose." - This is one example of an obvious run-on sentence. There should be a pause in between 'face' and 'the', hence, a comma should be placed there. To fix the problem of run-on sentences, just spot out the appropriate pauses in a sentence and place commas there (with a few exceptions).

C1: "The little regular game between the two of them continued for a few minutes until ZiTao had his lover panting exhaustively and eventually shifted back into his human form to snuggle up to YiFan and lay his head on the other's chest." - Avoid writing long sentences because there's a high probability that you'll make grammatical or sentence structural errors. Besides, you may get too wordy. "The little regular game between the two of them continued for a few minutes until ZiTao had his lover pant exhaustively. Eventually, ZiTao shifted back into his human form to snuggle up with YiFan and lie his head on the other's chest."

C1: "But he is still kind of too shy and protective to speak up." - "However, he is still too shy and protective to speak up." Over here, 'kind of' is a little redundant.

C1: "I promise, we will be able to spend the rest of our life together happily ever after." - "I promise; we will be able to spend the rest of our lives happily together." Note: Semicolons should be used to connect two independent clauses together instead of commas. I have added 'be able to' because it isn't actually a definite thing that Kris and Tao can spend their lives happily together. Also, the addition of 'happily ever after' makes the sentence sound awkward, so I have rectified that bit a little.

There is little repetition of sentence structures (which mainly occurs for dialogue and scenes). Avoid needless repetition like 'shushed him and glared at him'. 

Writing Style: 10/15

Some character traits are stated instead of implied, and one example is Yifan's warm-heartedness. Avoid telling the readers how the characters are like; after all, actions prove more than words.

Sometimes, I also feel that the description of the characters' emotions can be a little more vivid. There are some attempts, but the details are not sufficient enough for me to thoroughly understand the thoughts of the characters (e.g. the intensity of Tao's dejected feelings or Yifan's despair). This is especially important since you're using 3rd POV, and the essence of the 3rd POV is its narration and description. Be more specific when it comes to Yifan's helplessness; perhaps during his first conversation with Tao, his fists were clenched when he was talking.

When it comes to appearances, try to pinpoint the different aspects that make up the person's exterior. Basically, what I mean is that instead of just stating that Yifan's appearance is 'hard and cold', perhaps you can describe his hard and beady eyes or the frown that continuously surfaced on his face. 

However, I do like your sophisticated writing style (although you may lapse into informality once in a while) and the poetic devices that you occasionally use also enhance your writing.

I'm not an expert when it comes to scenes, but I do think they are well-described; in fact, the emotions are on-point as well, so that's a job well-done.


DIGGING DEEPER (37/55)

Characters: 17/25

First and foremost, I just want to say something I have been saying for some time: Beware of a large cast. Right now, you have twelve characters and a few side characters; it is essential to develop everyone at least believably and that can be difficult when you have so many characters. However, seeing that every character does have his purpose in a way or another and that you may be planning for a long chaptered story, I don't think it's necessary to remove any characters. Just be wary.

I like how the bond between the members is showcased in the chapters; they all genuinely care for and are loyal to each other, and that is something admirable. If I have to complain about something, that would be the lack of indirect characterisation. Many traits are explicitly stated (and honestly, some stated traits are redundant because the readers can infer based on the characters' actions).

The relationship between Tao and Yifan is adorable to watch, but I have to admit that I wasn't really used to an arrangement where the main characters were already in a relationship. Still, I thought it is sufficiently developed (I am pretty curious as to how they met at the first place, though).

I like how Tao had his fears and insecurities. He was the puppy that everyone pampers, but he wanted to grow and be more mature (although honestly, even I think that he was a child). He desired to be with Yifan without getting caught and was frustrated about their situation, which made sense; love wasn't all about selflessness, but also selfishness to be with his loved one. His insecurity with Yifan and his relationship arose because of the rivalry between wolves and vampires, which is very understandable. Tao is portrayed to be emotional and ill-tempered here, but I admire his love for his mother and Yifan. The scene of him facing the black wolves also increased my admiration for him. All in all, Tao is a nicely developed character.

There came Yifan. Apparently, he was warm-hearted despite his cold looks. I admire his determination to find a way out as well as his sacrifices for Tao, but I feel like his dilemmas and emotions never ring as strongly as Tao's did. He does have his flaws; I saw how he had killed Ravi (and nearly killed Baekhyun's father) without a blink of an eye, his problems with his father as well as his inability to forgive Minseok. Not to mention, he was as stubborn and ill-tempered as Tao was. I actually think he can be terrifying when he wants to be, but he still has his conscience behind him. In the end, I would classify Yifan as a nicely developed character too, but one thing I don't get is how he could still 'love' his father even when he never showed love to Yifan. I would understand if he meant that he craved for love and attention from his father, but his sudden love for his father didn't make sense, especially not when he didn't seem to show much affection to Yifan at the first place. Perhaps that part has to be expanded a little more.

Yifan's father is the typical cold-hearted father; he doesn't really have a breakthrough yet, but you're only ten chapters in so hopefully there'll be something new to him later on. It does seem to me that he's being so cruel to Yifan because he valued the clan with utmost importance. He was very cold-hearted, however. This goes the same for Tao's father.

As for the side characters (mainly EXO), I'll just briefly talk about them. They're all nice additions, especially Baekhyun and Jongdae who have distinctive appearances. Perhaps it may be due to the fact that they feel more like second leads to me, but Chanyeol and Minseok don't have such distinct personalities. The development of the relationships between each pairing may be a little too fast as well. I especially find Baekhyun's reaction towards Chanyeol puzzling (why did he seem interested in him even when Chanyeol was a wolf?)

The black wolves are an interesting clique, and I am glad more on them is included later on; it shows that Heechul isn't just a typical antagonist. It is interesting seeing how ranks and the different types of cliques can affect people's beliefs as well as their attitudes to each other.

Plot: 16/25

The idea of this story is pretty common, with forbidden love being its main theme. Since barely anyone had found out yet, I cannot really judge the execution, but I'll be curious to see how you will use this plot device. 

Other than forbidden love, there's also the whole issue about superiority ranks and cliques as well as the issues of the successors, all which are pretty common tropes. I like to see how the former is playing out; Tao is right when he said that a rank doesn't determine one's ability, especially not when it is something a creature is born with. It is funny how wolves and vampires became enemies because of the ancestors' doing when they, in fact, can share many similarities together (and even become friends).I also like how the members in every clique are loyal to each other; it is indeed true that for a clan to survive, they must work together instead of betraying each other. I am looking forward to see how all of these will play out later on.

In conclusion, even though your story contains a lot of cliches at the moment, I do think it has the potential to be an engaging story depending on how you are planning to write it. It also depends on what your focus of this story is, but I hope it's not just on Tao and Yifan's relationship (because then, the whole conflict is centered on the forbidden love unless you have something new up your sleeves). As for realism, I don't see any particular problems yet.

Flow: 4/5

The speed of the story is just right, but like I mentioned before, some parts of the development may come in too fast.

FINALLY (3/5)

Overall Enjoyment: 3/5

Admittedly, this story isn't exactly my cup of tea, but it does have an interesting plot. I especially look forward to see how it can pan out in the future.


TOTAL: 66/100 (C)

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