unimpeachable fugitive: rebirth by queensabelle



Criticism Level: 7-8
(crime, romance, slice-of-life, light comedy, light angst ; grammar and writing skills)

Title: 5/5
Although the title only consists of three words, it is still a bit too long for my liking, but I think it is very original and eye-catching, especially to crime fans. The readers know just enough information to stay interested and it is also relevant to the story.

Description & Foreword: 8/10
The description is very relevant and it doesn't reveal too much or too little information. Maybe it is just me that the ending is slightly bland with no interesting twist that hooks my attention, but I am sure that some others will be intrigued by the description. Like I've always mentioned in other reviews, I don't think character charts are necessary. It'll be better if the readers learn about the characters gradually as they progress onto the next chapter. Byeoul's description is kinda inaccurate, in my opinion. She might have been a simple and innocent girl before, but surely she had changed in a way or another after spending five years in the prison (and hearing that her parents had been sentenced to death). Also, I'd suggest you to write a foreword just to give your readers a little insight (and also to get them interested even more).

Characters: 11/20
For me, I feel like the dilemma of Jaguen should be explored even further. It is morally wrong to shield a criminal's actions, but her parents stole for her sake (not to mention that they are her parents after all). I am not sure if you want to enlighten your readers with a new perspective on criminals, but if you do want to, then you can let Jaguen voice it out to the readers.
I cannot really judge Jaguen's personality at the moment... she does come across slightly mary sue to me, but hopefully she will be developed more as the story progresses. I do like the fact that she stood up for herself when the ahjumma gave spiteful comments about her and her parents. That shows that she had a temper and wasn't just a passive girl.
Regarding Jaguen's relationship with Luhan, I am slightly skeptical. Does Jaguen really love Luhan? All she sees is his perfect image, but not his flaws or weaknesses. Of course, her real feeling will only be evident later in the story, but do take note the differences between love and infatuation.
Luhan, from what I've read in the prequel and sequel, seems perfect. Truthfully, why would he accept Jaguen who became a prisoner? (Even though the punishment was somewhat odd to begin with.) The sudden disappearance makes me think that he may not be what he seems to be, so I'm anticipating more development from his part.
Victoria is also too perfect for my liking. No matter how much Jaguen looks like her younger sister, it still doesn't make sense for her to accept a stranger into her house, and a stranger whose parents were known to have robbed Hana Bank. Her renting a house for Jaguen sounds more likely than that (although I wouldn't say that's a really believable action either, but figures). Same goes for Jaguen, but I can understand her action considering the fact that she is penniless and doesn't have a place to stay.

Plot: 14/20
The plot is kinda like a typical plot of guy saving girl but Luhan's disappearance is something new. (Somehow I feel that Sehun will be the bad boy and Luhan will be the good guy in the story... please prove me wrong). Is it possible to get a death sentence for stealing multiple times and to get a five year jail sentence for not calling the police after knowing the crimes her parents had committed? I can understand maybe if the crime is murder, but usually for theft a fine is the punishment for the criminal. Besides, I think that they have circumstances which the judges can sympathize and consider as a factor during their judging. Then again, some judges can be quite unfair so I guess it depends on who the judge is. Other than that, I don't really have problems with the realism of the story. 

Flow: 5/5
The story flows well and the POV stays consistent as 1st POV-Jaguen.

Grammar & Vocabulary: 9/15
There are quite a number of grammatical errors.
"I heard mom screaming at the..." - This is a SVA error. When there's a verb after a verb and a noun, that verb should be in its original form. Therefore, 'screaming' should be corrected as 'scream'.
"...nothing would had happen..." - This is a tense error. 'had happened' is fixed.
"How can a young girl don't show respect to their elders, huh?" - The sentence sounds awkward. "How can a young girl not show respect to their elders, huh?" 
"I gave return her a smile." - "I gave her a smile."
"I was literally drooling." - The use of the word 'literally' confuses me slightly. Did Jageun really drool? If not, 'literally' isn't the right word to use.
Take note that after the infinitive 'to', the verb should be in its original form.
There is a lot of tense shifting. Remember to stick to one tense only, which in your story, is past. The wrong tense is also occasionally used in dialogue, so take note that with the exception of flashbacks, the tense used in dialogue should be present.
A few of the words you use are quite vague. For example 'bad people'. How bad? Perhaps 'criminals' will be a better word to use. You also tend to repeat some words such as 'cried' and 'wanted'. Try to vary your sentence structures as well so that your writing does not sound monotonous.

Description & Emotions: 5/10
The level of detail is not enough. Most of the emotions are expressed using actions (like screaming and crying) or thoughts. While the advantage of using first POV is that the author can convey the feelings of the main character using his/her thoughts, it is also important to use more actions and also the changes of the main character's behavior. For example, did Jaguen attempt to escape when she was beaten up? (e.g. I let out cries for help, desperately trying to escape from the women's attack. My efforts, however, were futile as they dragged me back and punched me mercilessly.) Horrible example, but you get the idea! To be more descriptive, you can use figurative language and the five senses.

Format (Graphics & Layout): 9/10
The layout is neat and tidy and the words are readable. You have a beautiful poster and while it does give me the angst vibe, I can't really sense crime or romance from it. 

Overall Enjoyment: 2/5
There are a lot of things that have distracted me so I couldn't really enjoy the story as much as I wanted to. I do like the story's concept so if you brush up on some aspects of the story, I am sure that it will be better.

Total: 68/100 //C (=) 
I hope I haven't been too harsh! Like I've mentioned, the idea of the story is great so improvement shown in various aspects will make the story even better. Thank you for requesting and please remember to follow all the rules!

» layout credit