borderline by chinatsu_



Criticism Level: 7-8

Title: 3/5
It is a common title and it isn't really specific. When I first saw the title, I thought that the story would be someone crossing the borderline or something similar to that. However, it is relevant and actually slightly intriguing. 

Description & Foreword: 8/10
I like how your description is set up; the definition of BPD, Zitao's profile and the real summary itself. While it is relevant to the story, the description makes the story seem predictable (Yifan likely being the guy to save Zitao with both of them falling in love) which results in the loss of intrigue. Still, the way Zitao is presented to the readers is interesting and hooks attention.

Characters: 13/20
Zitao is a character that is flawed, broken and scarred. He suffers from a disorder, has lost all of his loved ones and lives a life he doesn't want to live. Supposingly, the glimpse of hope that will enter his life is Yifan.
Since there is only one chapter in so far, I cannot judge much, but I am guessing that Yifan will be the one that saves Zitao, like a hero that saves the damsel-in-distress. That kind of plotline is pretty unoriginal and portrays the characters in a cliche manner but if you do want to use that plotline, then take note to make the story uniquely yours. Pay extra attention to the development of Taoris's relationship as many authors rush it for the result. The most beautiful thing about love is the process of falling in love.
Also, try to develop Taoris out of the images they are given. Yifan seems a bit too perfect so far, does he have any weaknesses or phobias that he finds difficulty overcoming? What about Zitao; must he only rely on Yifan to be able to recover from his feet? Can he have a strong side in him as well? (P.S. The last sentence of Chapter One is quite strange. To me it seems like biased treatment to Zitao compared to the other patients, though I don't think that's the case.) 
I admire Joonmyun because really, not many people are patient with people that have psychological problems, partially because they are unable to put themselves in the patients' shoes unless they have experienced the same thing themselves. Although he is a side character, I do hope that he isn't all that perfect as he seems even though he is a geniunely kind person. 

Plot: 14/20
The plot depicts a realistic situation, and I hope that it stays believable throughout. While it isn't the most original or groundbreaking plot, this story can touch hearts if it is written well. The parts you should really focus on developing is the friendship and romance; how the characters in the story are able to learn from one another, grow together and overcome obstacles together. Also here's a quote for love: actions speak louder than words. Simple gestures like a hug makes things so much better (I agree with Joonmyun; the best medicine is really just a warm hug).
(The Plot section is much shorter because it is linked with the Character section.)

Flow: 5/5
Consistent thus far, with the POV staying constant as 3rd POV which switches from Zitao to Yifan occasionally. The switch isn't confusing yet but do take note at later chapters.

Grammar & Vocabulary: 12/15
Punctuation is left out often. Here are some instances:
"Zi Tao you do understand..." - There is a pause between 'Tao' and 'you', hence a comma should be placed.
"...no matter how hard Joonmyun would try he wasn't confident..." - There is also a pause between 'try' and 'he' so a comma should be placed in between the two words.
To help yourself to know whether a comma should be placed at certain positions better, you can read the sentence you wrote aloud and identify the times when you have to pause for a while. 
"Six months Kim Joonmyun had been working with the twenty one year old..." - The sentence is phrased awkwardly. There should also be a hyphen between 'twenty' and 'one'. "Kim Joonmyun had been working with the twenty-one year old for six months..."
"...as an older brother would his younger brother..." - "...as an other brother would to his younger brother..."
"...fists clenching in his lap, porcelain skin..." - 'fists clenching in his lap' doesn't sound right.
All in all, most of the errors you make are minor and can be fixed easily, so proofreading will do the trick. The lack of commas in certain sentences can be evident so do take note of that.
The words you use are not over complicated which allows your reader to understand the story better. Repetition of words occur occasionally. Do vary your sentence structure slightly so that your writing will not sound monotonous.

Description & Emotions: 8/10
Dialogue is filled with emotion; the exchange of words between the characters have meaning to them, and are not just random talk. You also try to describe the actions and facial expressions which is a successful attempt, so keep it up. I do feel that you can use the five senses more, for example, the stench of the blood (smell) and the taste of the tears in his mouth (taste). Other than the characters themselves, the surroundings can be used to set the emotion. Returning to his house, how did the house look like to Zitao? (Using figurative language will help a lot!)
e.g. "Comparing it to the past, the house was overflowing with love; the one and only haven in Zitao's life. After his parents and Xinli left, the house became bleak and eerily dark; a place devoid of any emotion.
When he entered the house, he was anticipating a kiss from his mother, a greeting from his father and the scent of cooking as his older sister, Xinli, prepared something for dinner. Yet, his hopes were crushed when he was welcomed by silence, silence that was suffocating his heart.
Together with his parents, his older sister and the traces of warmth that were once present in the house, Huang Zitao was gone."
(The whole thing sounds awkward but you get the general idea.) 

Format (Graphics & Layout): 9/10
The words are a bit too small for my liking. Regardless, the format is pretty neat accompanied with a relevant poster and background.

Overall Enjoyment: 3/5
I will have to read more to know if I really enjoy it, but my first impression is just okay. It'll probably take extraordinary development of characters to pull me in deeper.

Total: 75/100 //B (+) 
Story is all right so far, but as you know there are many angst and romance stories here so you need something that will make your story stand out. Thank you for requesting and please do not forget to follow all the rules!

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