heartstrings by wishing_on_a_star



Criticism Level: 10

Title: 1/5
Your title is rather common and vague... it doesn't reveal much details. Seeing the title, all the readers know about the story is that it has something to do with romance. I guess it is relevant to the story in a way, but because 'Heartstrings' is a really broad subject, it isn't attention grabbing. It's short and sweet which is a plus, but I do encourage you to change your title to something more unique and eye-catching (if it's not too much of a hassle, though).

Description & Foreword: 5/10
Your description is like the message of the story, and it already spills the whole plot to the readers. Maybe this will be a more suitable description:
After seeing the person you like with someone else, you were heartbroken. You would have given up all the hope you had if it was not for your best friend, YuGyeom. Would you regain hope after being encouraged and comforted by him?
(note: This is probably not the best description ever because I'm kinda tired now, and I don't really know how 'you' feel in this story. I'm sure you can come up with a much better description than this!)
The foreword is okay I guess, and I suppose your description and foreword are relevant to the story. They are just not eye-catching enough, however, so you may want to improve them.

Characters: 7/20
To be honest, I think that the story focuses way too much on YuGyeom because the readers are unable to understand the thoughts of 'you'. The only thing that we know about 'you' is that she was upset that someone she loved had another girl, but then she did mention she did not know how much she loved Mark. That is something I don't exactly understand. For people who really love a person, they will definitely say that they really love that person, which is why I don't think that 'you' really loved Mark a lot. But if that's the case, it doesn't make sense why she would cry for six days (that's quite a number of days). I may understand if it is for a day or two, but that's a bit... strange. I'm also confused about the relationships that the characters have with each other. Is Mark YuGyeom and 'your' friend? What about Suzy?
I'm also confused - did Mark know that 'you' liked him? (he did ask "Me?" after all). If not, why did YuGyeom tell him so easily and didn't seem agitated at all? (He came off as a rather childish person to me, so I thought he'd be pretty rash). Mark's reaction was also odd; he seemed like he did not care much and was not even surprised when YuGyeom told him that. This may be more of a flow problem but I don't exactly like how 'you' recovered so fast just because she went to Lotte World. She did cry for six days after all. Lastly, how did YuGyeom know that 'you' were about to ask him if he liked 'you'? I did understand why he preferred to remain friends with her though. All in all, I don't feel that your characters are portrayed originally - it's like the typical scene of the female protag, the person that the female protag likes and the person that is friend-zoned by the female protag. Reactions and actions are slightly unbelievable, but I don't find them too ridiculous. You should try to develop the characters more because they do not seem to possess any negative points. 

Plot: 14/20
The plot is typical and I think the only difference is that the female protag does not end with anyone, but I like that. (Seriously, life isn't revolved around love). However, due to that, I don't really think the story is romance. It's more like friendship in my opinion. The plot is pretty flat, so you may want to add some interesting twists to the story. I like the small joke between Mark and YuGyeom; it does show how close they are. Still, it'd be nice if I can see more development of the love. Why do 'you' like Mark? Why does YuGyeom like 'you', or is YuGyeom confused between friendship love and romantic love?
This is relatively realistic and believable - this type of scenario does happen in real life, but of course, it doesn't always end with the female and the male together. Sometimes they just stay as friends, or totally lose contact with each other. I still consider the friendship part as a happy ending - if they're all happy, it's what it really matters, isn't it? It's nice to read a story that ends off with everyone being friends, but more can be done to make your plot even more interesting.

Flow: 4/5
I feel that the change between 'your' emotions is too fast. She did cry for six days after all, so it doesn't make sense how she can cheer up after going to Lotte World. Other than that, the flow is okay.

Grammar & Vocabulary: 10/15
There's little grammar errors maybe because most of the story is dialogue, but your vocabulary has some area for improvement. Do try to use more complicated words and specific adjectives to better bring out the message you want to convey. You should also refrain from repeating words and sentence structures that may create a monotonous effect.

Description & Emotions: 2/10
You narrate very little so the story seems like a script. Do refrain from writing too much dialogue and narrate more; it is important in a fanfiction especially when there are no visual images to enhance your story. Due to the lack of narration, there is really little description, and 'your' thoughts and emotions are also unknown.

Format (Graphics & Layout): 6/10
The format is neat enough and the words are readable, but I'd advise you to get a layout that will present your story in a more appealing manner. Your poster is beautiful; it gives off a light, fluffy feeling which is what I feel after reading the story (not romance though). Perhaps it would be better if a heart is placed (to emphasize on 'heartstrings') and the background can be Lotte World so that it better fits the story, but that's just me being nitpicky. You can also get a background that goes along with your poster.

Overall Enjoyment: 3/5
I like the ending, but I feel that the story would be better if you've added some twists to it. There's also some issues that distracted me while I was reading.

Total: 52/100 //D (=) 
Hopefully I haven't been too harsh - I just want to help you improve your writing. :) I hope my suggestions and advice have helped. Thank you for requesting, and do not forget to follow all the rules!

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