blind heir by bts_kimtaehyung



Criticism Level: 10

Title: 4/5
The title would make sense if Yoojung is the heir. The title doesn't exactly give an insight to the story though (the readers just know that there is a blind heir, that's all). It is short and sweet but it may not capture everyone's attention. Some people may click on the story to check it out but some may pass. All in all, it is an all right title.

Description & Foreword: 6/10
The first sentence can be a bit misleading as it implies that Yoojung became blind due to her father's death. However, in the story, it mentions that Yoojung became blind because after her father's death, she cried to the point that she could no longer see. Perhaps you may want to phrase the sentence in another way so that it will not confuse your readers. Your points are also somewhat disorganized and the sentences don't really flow well. Here is a renewed version:
"After her father's death, Yoojung cried to the point of blindness.
She was then adopted by a rich business man who owned a big company in South Korea, but she had never seen him as her own father.
From then on, the only thing she could do to live in this cruel world was to listen with her ears.
Having given up nearly all of her hope, she played the piano to express her dejected feelings. It became the only thing she loved doing."
(A somewhat horrible example, but you realize that the sentences flow better.)
After reading the description, I'm not really intrigued maybe because it just reveals background information. Try to include some exciting information and leave a cliffhanger so that your readers will be more interested. 

Characters: 12/20
This may be a minor issue but... if I'm not wrong, Baekhyun did not tell Yoojung his name. How did she know his name then? Putting that aside, it seems like they only met once before Baekhyun left (seeing how the scenario happened), but later on in the story, it seems like they were close childhood friends.
Baekhyun is too perfect in my opinion. Why was he willing to be her listening ear? Most importantly, how did he have the guts to shout at his uncle just for Yoojung? Even if he was mad or upset for her, I doubt that he would act so rude to his wealthy uncle. Your story is still in its early chapters though, so hopefully you can develop Baekhyun even further from his "Prince Charming" image.
If Baekhyun is the prince charming, then Yoojung is supposingly the damsel-in-distress. Thankfully, she doesn't really act like a typical mary sue and hopefully as the story progresses, she'll become stronger and better (and perhaps, she doesn't need to rely on Baekhyun to find her own happiness). Why was Baekhyun able to break her ice exterior, though? It had been a period of time since they met; wouldn't she be doubtful or cautious of him?
The last character is the seemingly evil stepfather. Does he have any redeemable qualities? Perhaps, deep inside him, he really does love Yoojung and care for her, just that he doesn't know how to express it well. I am also wondering why he adopted her, but I guess that question will be answered later on. Again, he doesn't seem to have any positive traits and is quite undeveloped. Maybe in the story, you can allow him to grow and become a better father in the future. Just wondering, why did he slap Yoojung all of a sudden? His action doesn't make sense to me.

Plot: 14/20
The plot is a combination of The Heirs and Jin's Gone MV. Sadly, the focus seems to be on neither the family plot nor the main character's disability, but on the romance. This plot may be slightly cliche but you can portray the story in an original manner, yet for now, I don't see anything that stands out to me. There are some clues that hint that things are not what they seem to be but I guess I'll have to read on further to find out.
The story seems somewhat predictable but it is still too early to judge. In the first chapter, the mysterious man's helper(?) actually brought her to her stepfather's house which I find quite odd. I also wonder why the stepfather agreed to adopting her so quickly, so I am anticipating some twists.  
As mentioned, the story is in its early stages so there are still many things you can do with this story. I don't really know what direction you want your story to head in but do you want to convey a message about parent-child relationships? Will Yoojung's disability play a major role in the plot and does her blindness actually affect her emotionally? (I thought that the beginning of chapter one is well done and gives the readers an insight to the story, but afterwards there is not much mention to it anymore).
Regarding the originality of the plot, I will say that it isn't exactly original but hopefully you have some tricks under your sleeve and make this seemingly cliche plot become uniquely yours. There are lots of other things you can focus on other than the romance (Yoojung's struggles with her blindness and family, her growth as a character) so other than writing a fiction that can evoke pleasant feelings from the readers, this fiction can also be written as something meaningful which will stick to the reader for life.

Flow: 4/5
There are some consistency issues and the flow of the story is a bit bumpy. Readers may be confused sometimes but so far, nothing major that affects readability. The POV stays consistent as 3rd POV.

Grammar & Vocabulary: 12/15
I am kinda confused about the default tense of the story. The beginning of chapter one is in present tense but when it comes to the narration, the story is in past tense.
"She felt the person's hand wiping her tears away from her cheek." - Take note of subject-verb agreement here; it is "felt the person's hand wipe".
"Dad, why did you left me alone?" - This is a tense error. You can always read out the sentences that you write and see if they flow well. "did you leave" certainly sounds better than "did you left".
"Bowed to the superior man..." - "Bowing to the superior man" will be more appropriate.
Restrain from using tilde '~' as it can make your story seem unprofessional.
Do try to vary your sentence structure more; I notice that you usually start with the word 'she'. This can create a monotonous effect. Your vocabulary is all right but you tend to repeat a few words sometimes.

Description & Emotions: 7/10
You can try to be a bit more detailed when it comes to describing the appearance of a person or object so as to create more vivid imagery. Figurative language helps for that matter. Remember that every single detail counts (For example, how does she walk? Does she walk as slow as a turtle or like she is racing to catch a bus? That is a bad example but you get it). In my opinion, the emotions of the characters are not really expressed well enough. Since you're using the third person POV, you can put emphasis on the characters' behavior, actions and dialogue.

Format (Graphics & Layout): 10/10
I personally like the format and graphics; the layout is relatively neat and words are readable, while the poster and background are beautiful and fit with the story's genre, angst. There's no issues that really disturb me.

Overall Enjoyment: 2/5
I didn't really enjoy the story partially because of Baekhyun and also because this kind of plot isn't really my cup of tea. Nevertheless, I am interested to find out what happens next in the story.

Total: 71/100 //C (=) 
To be honest, I didn't like The Heirs so I was prepared to give a harsher review, but it was better than I expected it to be. If more original portrayal is shown plot-wise and if there is more development character-wise, it'll be great! Thank you for requesting and please do not forget to follow all the rules.

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