threadbare blanket by ejacyeolation

Genre: Fluff, angst

Characters: Baekhyun, Chanyeol

Status: Complete

Baekhyun thinks that if he can't see the stars in the sky, he can definitely see them in Chanyeol's eyes. 

The Review

Title (5/5)
The title is very relevant to the story's content, but what surprises me is the meaning it harbours with relation to the story. It harbours value to the times Baekhyun and Chanyeol spent together, but it also serves as a stark reminder that that's the limit--Baekhyun will never have someone by his side wearing the threads of the blanket even thinner than it is; Baekhyun will never have a 'new blanket' (and memories) with Chanyeol again; Baekhyun will never receive the warmth he had gotten from Chanyeol when the blanket proved to be a weak shelter from the cold; and Baekhyun will die with that very same blanket against his throat. This symbolism makes the title all the more meaningful, and when the readers look back after that whirlwind of an experience with your story, they'll look back at this title with nostalgia. Although the title seems simple at first glance, that deceiving first impression in turn helps to leave a greater impact on the ending. It's a very great title suitable for the mood of your story.

Description (10/10)
It's only a short sentence, but it alone tells the readers just how much Chanyeol means to Baekhyun. Chanyeol is Baekhyun's starlight. Without him, Baekhyun's life would be plagued into darkness. And well, that is really what happens in the story. This intrigues the reader to want to find out more about their relationship. Although this analogy only appears once in the story, the context in which it is used is rather interesting (further elaborated on in the Plot section), so I conclude that it is a pretty fitting sentence for the description after all. Kudos to that.

Plot (23/25)
Although the setting is rather typical and the of the story is rather cliche with the typical car accident, I think what brings this whole story alive is your execution. This is a very short piece - of around 4079 words - yet you deliver an awe-inspiring message in such a short length, and I think that is a big accomplishment that only skilled writers like yourself can achieve. Of course, there are still flaws, which I'll talk about later, but as of now, I would like to applaud you for your meticulous delivery.

From the very start, the beginning has already paved the way to the ultimate destination. We are greeted with the blanket, a key and integral symbol in this story, as well as Baekhyun's graceful performance. All of these scenes are brought over in relatively short paragraphs and in a light-hearted tone. Then, we are introduced to Chanyeol's weird hobby of belting out crappy pop songs and them just hanging out in the streets. Speaking about this scene, I find it interesting how the stars analogy is only made on the streets with the bustling cars and the mention of the word 'beer'. Is that intentional? Because if it is, then that's really subtle and splendid foreshadowing. Afterwards, we have the heartwarming drawings of the children and the date which seems average, but reminds us that we must never take the average things for granted. Then, we have the scene where Baekhyun pushes Chanyeol to do his dishwashing duty, and afterwards the scene of Chanyeol making him warm coffee (it's funny how coffee can also mean 'bitterness', and the scene itself is where the tone takes a dramatic turn). The accident happening is sudden, but that's very much like life itself; you never know when things will just happen. And even though it is sudden, you tie the loose ends up through hazy memories of Baekhyun waking up, so that we, the readers, know sufficient details to understand yet we're still left wondering and anticipating. The progression towards the ending can be done better, but the ending is brilliant and haunting, looping back to the beginning. I'm a er for connected beginnings and endings, so I must say that this has left an extremely memorable image in my mind.

Ultimately, I just want to say that all the initial fluffy scenes eventually culminate into a , the ending, and the execution of each dialogue and narration is just enriched with so much meaning and value. Even though I normally dislike the 'car accident followed by suicide' trope, it does seem organic here. There is background information of the driver crashing into them because of drunk driving (though Baekhyun was pretty much not listening to them at that point of time), and afterwards we see how this has impacted not only Chanyeol, but all the people who love Chanyeol - Baekhyun who grieves for his boyfriend and Kyungsoo who has to take care of Baekhyun, the grieving one, despite him suffering as well. The ultimate theme is more than just about losing a loved one, but also about the dire consequences of drunk driving. I would've preferred if there was some mention of Chanyeol's family though, but I understand why they may be included since the focus is on Baekhyun.

I'd like if there is more emotive language during the scenes when Baekhyun found out about Chanyeol's death, and how he had been living even after Chanyeol's death. As it is, the scenes seem fine, but there isn't a gripping desperation in Baekhyun which I might've expected from someone who's so drowned in misery to the point of committing suicide. The analogies are lovely, yes, but the dialogue can be more vivid. 'He screamed." and "He screamed, "Chanyeol! Where are you? Why did you leave me alone?" give off very different vibes, you see.

In conclusion, this story is an extremely memorable and haunting read, but I would prefer further expansion on some scenes like the scenes just before Baekhyun committed suicide. For instance, the part where he saw the children. Maybe the children's voices sounded like grating nails on a chalkboard. Maybe some of them saw Baekhyun and rushed up to him, but he chased them away because their smiles appeared so elusive to the broken Baekhyun. I would say it's not too big of a deal though since your story is already relatively detailed. I just thought it can give off a greater emotional impact to the readers. (Plus, I think mentioning Chanyeol's funeral might help too - or whether Baekhyun attended it at the first place.)

Writing Style (18/20)
Your writing style is extremely beautiful. Analogies and symbolism are aplenty, and you've mastered the art of describing. My only complaints would be what I've mentioned about the lack of details for the progression from Chanyeol's death to Baekhyun's suicide, more primarily the dialogue. You're great at writing fluffy and authentic dialogue, but when it comes to expressing intense emotions, you seem to avoid writing dialogue completely, which is quite a shame. Also, you tend to focus a lot on the details of the characters' facial expressions as well as the surroundings sometimes, but you tend to neglect describing the main character, Baekhyun. It's not extremely obvious, but you normally shift to this kind of narration mode 'he understands...' and then forget about describing his facial expressions as well. Additionally, your use of 5 senses can be more comprehensive. Chanyeol's scent which lingers in the blankets... Chanyeol trailing his finger gently on Baekhyun's thigh... All these senses add up to showcase not just a picture, but an actual living and unfolding drama.

Sentence structures are dynamic and the words used are appropriate and fitting to the context. There are barely any grammatical errors, and even if there are any, they're not very noticeable.
"Sure, Chanyeol does this for him all the time, make him breakfast and prepare a cup of coffee for him..." - "I think you can simply replace 'this' with 'make him breakfast and prepare a cup of coffee' so that it doesn't sound as wordy. But this is the only real grammatical flaw I can find in your story. Although your story is detailed, you don't exactly have very wordy or convoluted sentences. Tons of applause to you for that, because I always seem to have that habit in my own stories...

One problem I do have is your paragraphing. Leave a line in between changing intervals of time so that the readers can tell it's a scene change. If not, it does get confusing even with the mention of the month in the first sentence.

Characterization (10/15)
Although I have praise for your plot and writing style, I do think your characterisation needs a bit more work. It may just be because of the constraints of the nature of the story itself, but the main characters, when they stand alone, aren't memorable characters. Their relationship is the 'ground' in making this story effective. Of course, this can be a good thing and your intended effect, but I'd like to love the characters independently as much as I'd like to love them together.

Chanyeol, for instance. He's humourous, adorable and loves singing songs, but we don't get to know more in-depth things. I understand that there isn't sufficient space to expand on that, but I would really like if there was some mention of Baekhyun and Chanyeol fighting before, perhaps, to establish more realism in their relationship. That's my personal preference though. Within the context of the story, Chanyeol's character works well, but as he is, there isn't much depth in his character.

As for Baekhyun, I'd say his character regresses rather than develops, which may not necessarily be a bad thing. Again, this works for the context of the story, and is a realistic echo towards life. Not everyone is going to take their loved one's death so easily, especially not when Chanyeol means so much to Baekhyun. But I think the problem is that the story has been all about their fluffy moments from the start. There's no real troubles in their relationship, and in my opinion, 'troubles' are a very inevitable way to make a relationship stronger. Therefore, even if we feel for Baekhyun, even if their relationship did seem genuine, his desperation doesn't come off as so genuine. What makes Chanyeol so special that Baekhyun wants to give up his life? Doesn't he have Kyungsoo? Doesn't he have the kids? So, even if we sympathise Baekhyun and his situation, I think more expansion is needed on Chanyeol and Baekhyun's background story.

Kyungsoo is a real surprise, actually. Even though he plays a veeery minor role, we can feel his turmoil as the bystander of Chanyeol and Baekhyun's relationship. He can't express his sorrows openly (not when Baekhyun seems more emotionally fragile, and not when Chanyeol means more to Baekhyun), so he has to display his mature side and accompany Baekhyun as much as he can. I'm sure he's suffering a lot on the inside, but the fact that he's willing to listen to Baekhyun is something really commendable.

The chemistry between Chanyeol and Baekhyun is superb, but I do wish we get to see them in their darker times. If not, it doesn't really seem like the actual epitome of love we are looking for. Other than that, if they have their own ideals, beliefs and principles, it would help a lot in establishing them as characters independent from each other. 

Flow (13/15)
I'm not sure if you have a word limit, but I do wish there is expansion on certain scenes. However, the flow as it is is pretty decent despite its length, so it doesn't quite bother me so much.

Punctuation (10/10)
The punctuation is pretty much impeccable. Even what I deem the trickest (semicolons) are placed correctly and appropriately.

Overall: 89/100

Notes

I think your characterisation is probably the biggest flaw of this story, but like I said before, it works for the context so you don't really have to take that advice in mind if you think that the current characters work as they are. That being said, it's been a while since I've given such a high score to a story so it shows how great I think your story is. Just fix a few things and I'm sure you'll exceed boundaries as an author. Thank you for requesting and if you have any doubts, feel free to clarify them with me :)

-Taurus