FIRST IMPRESSIONS (15/15)

Title: 5/5

I actually like the link between the title and the story. 'Aphelion' is connected with astronomy and stars, and stars are given a symbolic meaning here in this story. Furthermore, an aphelion perfectly describes the situation that the Golden Trio (and even Tao) were in. 

The alternative title 'Path to Polaris' leaves me a little confused because it is kinda the opposite to Aphelion. 'Polaris' signifies light, and with the addition of 'Path', it sounds like the guys are heading towards the light. Is this alternative title meant to be contradictory, or is there another meaning towards it?

Regardless, I do think the title is symbolic and memorable in its own way, and it can catch the attention of many (especially astronomy fans). 

Description & Foreword: 5/5

Your description consists of only a single sentence but it sums up the story nicely. I especially like the last section where the words are contradictory yet meaningful; it pretty much ties up the ultimate message of the story.

Your foreword doesn't disappoint as well. The addition of the definition of aphelion is a nice touch (especially for those who do not know much about astronomy) and I have to say... I am amazed by the play of words because it is extremely clever. By then, my attention has been fully caught.

I don't usually like character introductions but over here, each character is introduced by a simple yet meaningful sentence. The sentences give the readers an idea of the characters' personalities but not enough. Furthermore, they tie in with the symbol of the story: star. I really don't have any complaints regarding the description and foreword.

Format (Graphics & Layout): 5/5

The format is simple but stylish, and I do love the poster as well because it fits in with the mood and theme of the story. I do think the appearance can be further enhanced if you replace the background with stars instead, but it is nothing overly significant.


WRITING STYLE (24/25 +1)

Grammar & Vocabulary: 9/10

There are some tense inconsistencies which you ought to be wary of (you would occasionally lapse to present tense), as well as punctuation mistakes.

italics - missing words/punctuation. bold - spelling/grammatical errors. underlined - fragments/sentence structures. strikethrough - unnecessary words/punctuation.

Chapter One: "Their names have a ring to it, and a subtle rhyme. and people called them the Golden Trio, but they're not golden; they were a slab of obsidian glass." - "Their names had a ring to them and a subtle rhyme. People called them the Golden Trio, but they were not golden; they were a slab of obsidian glass." It is best if you do not connect two parts together; instead, separate them to two sentences so that it is easier for you to spot any sentence structural errors. The original sentence has an odd flow so some rectification would allow the sentence to be a little smoother.

Chapter One: "Yixing's the dreamer, the hopeless romantic; head in the clouds, soul burning in hell." - "Yixing's the dreamer, the hopeless romantic; his head was always in the clouds while his soul was burning in hell." Do take note that a semicolon is used only to connect two independent clauses; the second part of your original sentence cannot stand as a sentence alone, so it is better if you rewrite it so that it can be a standalone sentence.

Chapter Two: "Words that would later be smudged with life, streaks of black ink, like mascara and bad blood, running down his arm from his heart." The sentence becomes a run-on sentence and since the sentence is a little too long, the second part feels somewhat detached from it. "They were words that would later be smudged with life and streaks of black ink that were like mascara and bad blood. From his heart, they ran down his arm."

Your vocabulary is pretty much immaculate; repetition is used effectively over here and every word has a certain meaning to it.

Writing Style: 15/15 +1

You have an extremely captivating writing style and it has a bitter yet pragmatic tone in it, which fits the premise very well. I especially like how you always 'show' instead of 'telling' everything to the readers, and the way you utilise various poetic devices are able to create images in the readers' heads. Every word is symbolic which requires the readers to pay extra attention.

For me, I don't think your story is incredibly difficult to understand; yes, it does seem so at first glance especially with its ambiguity, but I think that's the flavour that makes this story the Golden Trio's story. It's not meant to be easily understood; it's meant to be complicated, just like the lives of the main characters. Still, even though it can seem confusing, the ultimate message is still very evident. More elaboration will be in the Plot section.

Just a last note: I have never given any bonus marks before, but I feel that I should do so for this section because it really is remarkable how such a short story can create a humongous impact on the readers, and I think that clearly shows your flair in writing. Furthermore, it is never an easy task to write a story like Aphelion where meaning is meant to be expressed in subtle manners, through interactions, actions and thoughts. Amazing job, really!


DIGGING DEEPER (43/55)

Characters: 20/25

Before I get into any of the characters, I just want to comment about the Golden Trio's relationship. It is certainly fascinating; they acted like total jerks to each other, yet at the same time, they feel like best friends who could understand each other in an inexplicable way. One thing I don't exactly understand is the reason behind Luhan and Yifan's friendship. I mean, Luhan caught both Tao and Yifan together but it doesn't make sense that Tao became the alienated one while Yifan got off scoot free, or maybe I am missing something from the story.

Luhan was someone who drowned himself in his own angst; he would always express his bitter feelings in an outright manner, and that showed when he was (assumedly) the perpetrator to Tao's predicament. I think his abhorrence towards the world is well portrayed. Luhan and Tao's relationship is a nice twist but I think there can be more hints regarding it initially because their moments at the end feel rather crammed and abrupt. Also, Luhan's treatment towards Tao isn't explicitly stated beforehand which is why all the revelations in the final chapter appear too sudden for my liking (even though Luhan and Tao's behaviour at the previous chapter was a little suspicious, I don't think it's sufficient foreshadowing because it's too vague to deduce the intensity of their relationship).

Tao is the victim, except that he isn't really one because he cheated on Luhan with Yifan. That whole reason removes him from the 'innocent' territory and also justifies the bullying inflicted on him as well as Luhan's actions. However, I do think there is a lack of elaboration relating to why he cheated with Yifan at the first place. Either way, he became so fragile to the point that he broke apart, and I think the turning point started when he committed suicide. It allowed the readers to feel sympathy for the guy (even though he did cheat on Luhan), but at the same time, they couldn't hate Luhan entirely... especially when he killed himself along with Tao. That part also showed that Luhan still loved him, though his hatred got the best of him to the point that he wanted to ruin Tao. He wanted Tao to be gone, but with Tao gone, he would be gone too. It was all messed up, but I feel like Luhan himself is messed up, along with this story.

Yifan and Tao's relationship is a bit more developed, but I still have questions regarding it. Apparently, Luhan caught Tao and Yifan cheating, but he, Yifan and Yixing ended up bullying Tao, though Yifan occasionally went to Tao's room secretly so that they could make out. However, many parts of the events don't make sense, mainly because they don't link to the previous occurrences. For instance, Yifan's aloofness towards Tao isn't justified like Luhan and Tao's problems are, which leaves a question mark to why he treated Tao as if he wasn't a human. Why was it that Yifan seemed to bully him at the day, and continued to torture him at night (when they supposedly loved each other)? Even if he did have 'mommy problems' like Yixing commented, it doesn't really relate to the transformation of Yifan and Tao's relationship. 

Yixing's presence here seems out-of-place, but at the same time, he seems to fit in with the story, like a paradox. He is the bystander of the events, and the only one that appeared to be sane at the end, but at the same time, not exactly sane. Even if he is just the guy who seems like he had no problems with the exception of witnessing his friends break apart, I think he does have hidden worries (as shown in C4); it just aren't explicit like the others. I like his role over here, because without him, the story will probably feel incomplete somehow.

Ultimately, I think your characters are well developed although there are some holes in their background stories that are not properly covered up. Still, I think you've done a decent job especially for such complicated characters like Luhan and Tao. The portrayal is especially unorthodox, but it still presents an authentic flavour to the readers. 

Plot: 19/25

Life is a mess, with no proper flow, beginning and closure. Your story reflects on that very well.

I do think that as the readers get to experience the vivid emotions that the characters themselves are feeling, as well as the contradictory and confusing nature of life itself, they also manage to understand a few key values. The story itself is depressing with no hope in it, but it is also about how characters can bond together in an incomprehensible way, how people only see the benefits in others and never themselves, and how images can be more deceiving than we think. In turn, the problems that the Golden Trio faces here shed light on a couple of real issues, which makes the story even more authentic.

I also especially love the symbolism here; the stars are not the only sign over here, and in fact, many metaphors and poetic devices you have used bring across comparisons between certain seemingly unalike objects. These symbols not only express the complicated feelings inside the characters, but also show that similarities can be found even in the most different people.

The story is set in a typical school background and also mentions bullying, a perpetuating issue that still takes place in our lives. I think unlike most stories concerning bullying, this does reflect on the disastrous impacts of bullying even if it isn't exactly the main focus here. Over here, the emphasis is more on the emotions rather than the plot, but I think the twist at the end is surprising. The foreshadowing, as mentioned before, can be better done, however.

Flow: 4/5

The flow is a very special aspect of your story in the sense that it is intentionally made to be disjointed. However, I think that the last chapter is especially sudden with how explanations are thrown out-of-the-blue, and it doesn't go well with the rest of the story (although I do like how the story ends in the end). Perhaps it may be better if Tao is explicitly introduced earlier so the explanations can come along the way, and not all at the last chapter.

FINALLY (5/5)

Overall Enjoyment: 5/5

Although there are some flaws with this story, I think it still is a relatively meaningful and impactful piece; it is very different from the mainstream stories, and so, I think this story will leave a memorable impression in my heart.


TOTAL: 88/100 (A)

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