Now Playing: Super Junior - Evanesce

The spring’s sun brings warmth as the light breeze tickles my pale skin; I let my blonde fringe cover my eyes as I sit comfortably on the bench in the park, watching some kids play happily together in a small playground not so far from where I’m sitting. I turn the music down, taking off my ear phones; I let the sounds of my surroundings in, closing my eyes and admiring the symphony that it brings.

It’s weird how it makes me smile, the sound of the leaves rustling above me, the giggles and laughs of 5 year-olds remind me of myself, of how happy I used to be. I open my eyes, and watch as the scene goes by in slow motion. Parents, kids, couples, people, they’re all happy, together, and here I am all alone.

I can’t remember the last time I felt like this, like a loner. I know I’m not a man of many words, but that doesn’t mean I fancy being alone as well. I know that these are tough times; my friends are all experiencing a few slumps in their lives, leaving me behind for my memories to consume me.

I experienced a minor slump myself a few years back, 4 years ago to be exact, when I left Luhan’s gang, it’s weird, thinking about it now after all this time, I don’t know how life could be so ironic, how people who promised to stay forever are the first to let go, to turn their backs and leave me behind.

Yes, Luhan let go of me, because he didn’t fight for me  when I was being dragged away from his hands, I remember how his cold grasp on my arm loosened so easily, like he never meant to keep me by his side, like he wanted to watch me go, to leave him. I can never forget his eyes, his cold, brown eyes, expressionless, showing no pain or regret, devoid of emotion, I still remember how his brown orbs framed my reflection, but still there was no sign of pain.

I’m still confused as to why that image still pops in my head every time I’m alone; it keeps haunting me in my dreams, tattooed to my mind, and I’m afraid it would never leave. When I remember it now, it was like Luhan knew this day would come, the day that we both would be separated, and it was as if he was preparing himself for that day ever since we met. And it hurt me, I still don’t why it did, but I can’t neglect the fact that I felt heart broken when I left, when he let me leave.

Right in front of me there were two kids, not much younger than I am, they seem like brothers, the taller one keeps following the younger with protecting eyes, it made me smile a little as it reminds me of Luhan and I when we first met.

“Cute, aren’t they?” A familiar voice asked from behind me, I slightly flinched at the sound, suddenly foreign and unpredictable. I turned around to meet a blonde, slightly shorter man with casual clothes and a cocky smile, and as much as I wanted to beat him to death, I also had this weird, unexplainable urge to run into his arms. I came to realization through the years, I always have those mixed feelings of love and hate when I’m around him, and it gets me so confused that it’s annoying the hell out of me.

“They are…” I answered plainly with a cold tone and an expressionless face, but I knew better that he knew I was feeling something right now. It’s been exactly a year since I last saw him, our last meeting wasn’t that long, and I had all my friends with me, and Ji eun was there too, maybe that’s why it was a little comfortable, I didn’t have to face him alone, I was protected by all my hyungs around me.

“Reminds me of us a few years back…” He smiled, it was more of a mocking smile than a nice one; I tried hard not to punch him, I was having a nice alone time and I didn’t want him to ruin my day. Even though I looked uninterested in his existence, he ignored that fact and made his way beside me on the bench and noticed as my hands balled into fists. He smiled to himself a bit with amusement; he was enjoying how pissed off I am, like always.

“Man… I wish I was still 17, I mean, look at them, no care in the world what so ever, and if they had any problem, they’d run to mummy and daddy for help…” He commented, but I ignored.

I’m not interested in what he has to say, and what the hell are the odds of us meeting here, is he following me or something?

“It’s weird that we met here…” He started, making me turn to look at him. “… I mean, what are the odds right? Don’t get me wrong I wasn’t following you or anything.” He smiled at me and I tried to stay calm about the idea that he just repeated what I was thinking. And if he really wasn’t following me, then why the hell was he here?

“I was passing by; l actually had some business in the neighborhood…” I looked away; he was lying to me as usual.

“Okay… maybe not business, I was looking for a place to stay… an apartment, studio, whatever.” I turned to look at him again, I had to admit I was surprised, how the hell did he…

“Come on Sehun-ah give me some credit, I can read your facial expressions…”

“What are you talking about?” That was completely absurd and unbelievable, everybody knows I have now facial expressions, my nick name was ‘Poker Face’ in high school for crying out loud!

“You knew I was lying.” He smiled at me nicely, like he was proud of me or something, when I looked him in the eyes his smile fell a little, he took a deep breath and looked away.

“I miss you…” My head shot to him again, my eyes a bit wide, why the hell was he telling me this here and now?

“… It hurts you know, watching you from afar knowing that I can’t talk to you anymore.” AHA! So he was following me, I didn’t comment, I just looked away and stared ahead, and he didn’t try to say anything either. A few minutes passed in silence, us beside each other enjoying our surroundings, or maybe not enjoying, we were distracting ourselves from what he just said.

“Why can’t you?” I suddenly blurted out, because I felt a little uncomfortable with that deafening silence swallowing the atmosphere. The question surprised me as much as it surprised him, I don’t know why I asked, and it just came out unintended, but I had to say it, I had to say a lot of things actually.

“Sehun…”

“Why did you let me leave then?… why didn’t you tell me not to go when you had the chance to, Luhan? And now you follow me around, try to get an apartment in the same place I live, and tell me that you miss me? You sure have some nerve you know!” I stood up and blurted out angrily, and I didn’t know what the hell was wrong with me or why I was suddenly saying these things to him. Luhan’s eyes were wide as tennis balls, his face was red and his hands were a bit shaky, I know my words weren’t that strong or offending like those in movies, but the fact that I never actually talk about my feelings made what I said 10 times more serious and dangerous than any accusation he heard in his life.

“I don’t know what to say…” his voice was a bit above a whisper, but I heard it loud and clear.

“There you have it ladies and gentlemen…” I shouted in a mocking manner and passerby’s started looking our way. “… Xui Luhan, a self-centered, lying with no idea what so ever about how to be a real descent person.” I took my phone and ran away as fast as I could, I was pissed off, my blood was literally boiling in my veins, and I couldn’t stand seeing his face in front of me right now.

I still have no idea why I did that, I can’t ignore the fact that it felt good to finally say it out loud, but it felt like hell to see him hurt like that and know that I was the cause, and what’s worse is that I actually feel bad for saying this now, I suddenly regret it and have that urge to run back and apologize, but I can’t, it’s over, right?

Wrong, because after reaching half way to my house I heard footsteps behind me, I closed my eyes real tight and breathed hard to calm myself, my lungs were burning form all the running, my body was giving up on me, I couldn’t do this anymore, and what I did next was totally unpredictable, because the minute I felt a hand grab my arm I turned around and slammed my fist in his face, sending him to the ground with blood oozing out of his lower lip.

Luhan groaned in pain,