Username: heart_surgery

Story Title (&link): A Toy

Main Characters (+pairings): Kyungsoo, Kris, OC, Kai

Featuring: -----

Genre(s): Romance, , Comedy, Angst

Current Length (No. of Chapters): 8

Rated?: Yep; noted as "a little "

Reviewer: KissDromedaGirl

_______________ ✦일부분 일; part one; the beginning. ✦_______________

Title;  1/5

 At first sight, "a toy" could mean anything - someone being a toy, an actual toy meaning something, symbolism, etc. And for this particular story, you can tell what it references to, but personally... I think it's too simple and can be titled something else.
   "A Toy" - without the special symbols posted - is simple and a little bland. And I never approve of symbols being used in titles unless it's for a very specific reference (almsot like a crest or symbol relating to the story). 

Poster/Background;  2/5

    Upon first sight the poster is a blend of textures, backgrounds, and it's almost too messy. Kyungsoo's face is smeared, and to me it looks a little old fashioned (like in photos), and so does Kris's, and they all look almost... painted on. But the texture is what ruins it for me. It messes up things and would look neated if used in a different way; as for the title, the "A" in it looks more like an "H" and it fades into the white in the background (because it's white, too!)
    From the poster, however, I can see who the main focus is on. 
    The bg is simple and black. 
    Trailer: since your poster and theme is red and black, I feel like the music featured is too happy and light for something with angst and all of what's featured. I like the trailer, but I don't think the music fits. The scenes are emotional and we get some input, but the music gets me... 

Description & Foreword;  3/10

  I couldn't help but laugh at "lady boss" because it sounds like something I would say. 
  The description doesn't really have a cliffhanger or enticement, but just tells us that Kyungsoo gets seduced by his boss. And that there is mostly female domination. For me, even if it's and for fun, I'd still like to see a decent plotline and a description that doesn't blatantly state what happens, but also gives mystery and wonder. I think that would help this a lot - if you gave an aura of "what will happen" or "but something like this happens so now what will happen" because otherwise, the story seems like it'd only be read for the . Which could be your intention. 

   Also, for the FC of the OC, you can put it at the bottom of casually mention it instead of posting a picture and whatnot. It distracts away from things.

   

______________ ✦두 번째 부분; the second part; the seam.✦______________

Creativity/Originality;  3.5/5

    can go any way. 
    Yours had a late plot entry and was unstable for a while...
    But you have fun elements and make your characters shine with unf and power and even shy Kyungsoo was a brilliantly small star that heated up. Though I have seen ideas like this before, I do really appreciate how you built on and kept growing with this. You're making a great painting with bright colors and unique designs. Keep it up!

Plot;  13/20

     From the beginning, and with what's given in the description/foreword, I couldn't find a plot. It took me until at least chapter 3-4 to figure out what was the purpose and the plot in this story. You talked in your A/N about reading and wanting to write something, and that's okay... but everything generally has a plot or it's a oneshot/twoshot or something shot. That's how it goes. And yours is extended further on, so it has to have some kind of plot. And I finally got to smile and figure out that the plot here is between Kyungsoo and Yongseok, with Kris being the antagonist. And that - with what you've given and what I expect - will lead to a good story. You have so much potential here and you can make this much better by adding more and more detail and parts where we get to witness them in things other than chance encounters of and pointless fillers.  

Spelling, Vocab, and Grammar;   10/15

    Second paragraph, first chapter, we are getting introduced, but with wrong grammar. "He've" is a mistake. [I sound y, I'm sorry] and should be a simple "He" for "He graduated" since it's past tense. Also, in that sentence, I feel maybe you could go from saying "He graduated from university just recently, but managed to get a job soon." to a more... discriptive but simple manner. Why? Saying he graduated recently but then got a job soon just bunches those terms up and can give someone a headache. Change the last bit of the sentence to something like...
"...but managed to get a job fairly quick, much to his surprise."
or
"...but nabbed/grabbed/received a job up not long after."

Don't forget to use "a, the, an" (and etc.,) before objects. All the hot water; inside a good workplace. Get the idea? 

  But let me praise you for using "monotony" because I haven't heard someone say that beautiful word in FOREVER.

  Also, I'm putting this here because it's a language. I did this a long time ago and read fanfics featuring this element: Using Korean words/slang. 
  For stories, the best thing to do is either put on the bottom a key for which words mean what or putting in parentheses beside the word. Not everyone will know Korean words... so it's always best to translate somewhere. I knew them all, but that doesn't mean everyone will, you know? 

Characterization;   15/15

    I was thoroughly impressed with the way you kept your characters in place and acting as themselves and didn't mix them. Yongseok is a strong, badass, yet hardworking woman who we learn is getting cheated on. 
    Kyungsoo is shy, awkward, but it a typical guy and wants .
    What I loved when it came to the part and Kyungsoo, was that you didn't make him gay or biual or anything-- usually writers plot twist and say he is gay. You made it realistic and more personal by having him feel weird with Jongin and not wanting to hurt him but still caring. It's what anyone in that situation would do, I think, especially me. 
     Then with Yongseok, Kyungsoo is confused, but wants her. And Yongseok is being led on with Kris; I love Kris being so careless and a troublesome man! I really like how you have all of them so real and not mixing up their emotions or personas! You did so damn well on that and I'm so happy with it. ^^
    

_______________ ✦일부분 삼; part three; the little things. ✦_______________

Chapter Titles;  5/5

Normal, simple.

Flow;  6/10

    For the first chapter, there were two issues: 
One, things moved too fast.
Two, the fillers were either not needed or were good, but seemed out of place.
   Rushing things and trying to get to your point is hard, honestly. And you can mess up, try to figure out what to do, and so on, but it's never easy. 
   A lot of stuff in the first chapter was fillers that could be woven together or cut completely. Like, at the point of the restaraunt, you let Yongseok enter, you let Kyungsoo enter; he was admired, litle dialogue, instant order, Yongseok leaves. It's all too quick and it's almost like a scene that isn't particularly needed. Yongseok thinks he's cute. Kyungsoo is shy. And nothing happens there except those two facts. And we of couse get the intro into the fact they work together and don't even know it yet! But, either add detail to it, or figure out how to redo it and make it worthy of reading and not skipping because it's a filler.
   As the story went on, I noticed how there were still fillers, but it was getting better. You had more detail and more interest in the upcoming chapters compared to the beginning. I felt that as the story progressed, you either had more ideas or more focus on the characters and storyline and wanted to play it out - you really improved the flow and detail, but in the beginning... it's still lacking. As some parts even now are.
   

Writing Style (format + your style);  7/10

    For thoughts, don't use > <, please. Use italics or bold, or enclose them in quotation marks. Putting them inside those symbols shouldn't be a part of the actual story. It could be appropriate for the Foreword or a character chart, but not the story itself. Keep in mind. 
   Also, for extended dialogue, I saw in many chapters that you'd cram the dialogue together in a paragraph and go by that. That is a no no~ You need spacing, or less chatter in the paragraph. Either enter detail, separate the dialogue evenly, or do something where we get mixed in to the story and not just hear them speak. Dialogue can actually ruin fics... here, it doesn't, but it's a lot and it hurts my head to read all the lines together.

    Writing Style;
I'm putting this tidbit here because I got a laugh in the middle of a hot scene. Where you were writing of Yongseok and her oral practice on innocent Soo, he reached for a bar and was thinking of why there wasn't railings or anything in there-- then:
"Am I retarded?" he asked himself in his thoughts, not believing how he was able to think of such irrelevant things while he's getting done by the goddess before him. 
    I died. This adds to his character (which I'll have mentioned above, too) and how his innocent, yet different mindset is fun to watch. Also, I don't know where your slow elevators are, but everywhere I go, they're fast enough and I doubt anyone could do oral in such a time. Maybe either say she stopped the elevator (she's a director/manager, so she technically can with a key or her ID card, I've seen that) or have them move somewhere like the bathroom or a closet or something because my anxiety was showing because elevators aren't that slow and it makes me nervous and this is just a story why am i nervous? Plus... I'm pretty sure his wouldn't just disappear after oral and all the while he was thinking of ----

Extra & Notes; (+10)

   Where- H- How did it go from third floor to seventeen? I honestly got confused on this part, though it's no biggie. But then you said second and please fix this.
   You have so much potential for this story and you have done well writing it. You have mishaps with grammar and lose us with fillers and extra info we don't truly need, but without it everything is crammed.
   I hope I've helped in some way, shape, or form, because I did enjoy this and applaud you for how you've made it work! ^^ I was so afraid at first because of how it started loosely... but I'm glad I read through and I hope you continue it!

Total Score; 75.5 ♡