Username: Queensabelle

Story Title (&link): Unimpeachable Fugitive

Main Characters (+pairings): LuHan, OC

Genre(s): Crime, romance

Current Length (No. of Chapters): One Chapter

Rated?: No

Reviewer: BlueHeartStarlight

_______________ ✦일부분 일; part one; the beginning. ✦_______________

Title;  4/5

It's quite good, I must say. It drew my attention at the first sight of it (That's the reason I chose to review yours). I thought the story would be a good one since the title does sound interesting. It is something unusual and rare to find here, at AFF. And it is related to the story, so I don't really have problem with it.

Poster/Background;  2/5

It was a little disappointing, to be honest. The poster is too simple and so does the background. I know that you want the appearance suits the genres and themes but it seems dull. Maybe you should put more colors into the poster and background but don't overdo it. Just make sure it looks good and suits the story at the same time.

Description & Foreword;  7/10

You did okay at this part. Though in my opinion, you revealed too much information about the character. But it still fine. It did catch my eyes and I had the feelings to read your story. However, if I was only a random reader, I would be thinking twice before reading it. Why? Because I could tell what you were going to write about and you did a few mistakes in writing your foreword. Honestly, I'm not good at grammars and all but I realized obvious mistakes in it. So, here we go (I made it all in past tense. You don't need to follow if you don't feel like it):

18-year-old Jageun was a simple and an innocent runaway girl.

Both her parents robbed banks for a living and whenever they succeeded,

they would always escape from town to town.

Jageun was used to lying on her identity and she didn't even remember her real name.

She couldn't make any friends because she didn't attend schools like any other kids.

Lu Han was a charming young boy she happened to meet in a park.

What would happen, if he found out about Jageun's true self?

I tried to make it as simple as possible without changing any word you have used. I can't guarantee all the mistakes are fixed though. Sorry. Oh, your foreword is very neat and readable by the way. I like it! :)

______________ ✦두 번째 부분; the second part; the seam.✦______________

Creativity/Originality;  4/5

It isn't cliche but not a newly fresh written idea either. But I simply like it! So, don't worry~ It's real good because I can hardly find stories like yours! (Or is it me just me...?) However, you had said that the original idea was your friend's, right? So, I deducted a point for that.

Plot;  15/20

Erm... how should I say this? Yes, the idea is a praise you'd get from me but the plot is... somewhat disappointing. No! Don't get upset. Let me explain to you first, alright sweety. There's few events throughout the story which I found quite unrealistic and not possible to happen in real life. (I'm not listing everything though...)

Jangeun and his family had been running for how long? Like I mean her parents had involved in crime ever since before she was born. And in your story, she was already 18? Wow! Her parents were really expert in hiding, weren't they? I'm not saying that it's impossible but... Isn't it just too long?

Also, the where she'd been running with her mother after they were discovered and she stopped by to meet Luhan. It was supposed to be my favorite part since it was but I... dislike this event. Imagine you were in her shoes, would you do the same? I know she loved him and all but if I was the girl, I wouldn't have done the same thing. The only thing occupied my mind is my father's safety and I would be in a huge mess that I probably couldn't think straight.

But it's okay if you're not planning to change it. This is just a honest opinion from a reader like me. Plus, I'm still a newbie in these things.

Spelling, Vocab, and Grammar;   10/15

Typo, I hadn't found any. But the spelling for Luhan's name is not 'Xi Luhan' instead it is only 'LuHan' ('Xi' is not his true name). I do like and love your vocabulary since it's quite broad. But I do have problems with your grammars. I noticed you'd change between past tense and present quite a lots. You can't get them jumbled up in the same sentence. But, as I've said earlier, I'm not good at grammars. However, you need to get the basic of it.

I did asked my mom once...

Correction: I did ask my mom once...

(You shouldn't use past tense after the words; do/don't/did/does/to/will/can/can't/couldn't and so on.)

There’s other mistakes you did but I don’t have time to list all of them. Don’t worry though. Just need to improve your writing skills and a little touch up here and there! ^^ If you want a perfect and outstanding result, I suggest you to hire a beta/co-author to edit your story.

Characterization;   10/15

Honestly, I couldn't feel them, especially Luhan. I'm not certain why but maybe because your story is only a one-shot, so you described them briefly (?). I highly suggest you to make a character chart in the foreword so that your readers will get to know the characters better. Actually, character chart is quite annoying (in my opinion) But you can make it looks profesional and don't make it in points/bullets. Please make it in sentences if you're planning to.

_______________ ✦일부분 삼; part three; the little things. ✦_______________

Flow;  5/10

It was totally okay at first. You weren't too fast but not too slow either. It's just... fine. But later when I got into the middle of the story, you sped everything up that I thought it was kind of impossible! It got really fast and it is unacceptable for me...

Writing Style (format + your style);  6/10

This depends on two things;

One: The format was great. Neat. I have nothing to say. :)

Two: If I was the one who write the story, I would definitely give my readers full details on each part of the story. It may be a one-shot but that doesn't mean you can't be detailed. As for your information, details help readers to adapt to the surroundings and the actual feelings to be in the character's shoes. Make your readers feel the love and fear and everything. You made it details but maybe because you were rushing at the middle until the end of the story, I lost all the feelings I supposed to feel.

Extra & Notes;

So, yeah!~ Your story is the very first story I reviewed at this shop! I hope you like it. Is it harsh? I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings. And don't hesitate to say anything about this since I'm inexperienced. Don't worry, I don't bite (unless if you're a fried chicken xD) And feel free to pm me, BlueHeartStarlight, if you have anything to say! Thank you~ ^^

Total Score; 63/100