Username: Queensabelle

Story Title (&link): Scars of Love

Main Characters (+pairings): Nam Woohyun, Kim Myungsoo (L), Cho Yunhee (OC), Kang Jin Sang (OC), Cho Jin Ae (OC), Lee Byunghun

Genre(s): romance, angst, drama

Current Length (No. of Chapters): 5 +ongoing

Rated?: no

Reviewer: Moony_Kat

_______________ ✦일부분 일; part one; the beginning. ✦_______________

Title;  3/5

Hmmm… your title surely indicates that the story is going to deal with love and the wounds it give. It sounds angsty and it has feeling, that awesome!

But, if I were you, I would maybe change it a bit. I mean, it sounds a little bit weird, to me at least. It’s totally up to you since the already existing title sounds good and all, but don’t you think “Scarred by Love” would make a better fit?

Also, after reading the four chapters of your story, I didn’t really feel its connection to the plot line. Ok, maybe it’s about how Jin Ae observes the many relationships of her mother and no longer trusts love, or about how she’s scarred by falling in love with her mom’s new boyfriend. I couldn’t really tell, so I had to deduct some points from there.

Poster/Background;  3/5

It’s definitely a lovely poster you got for your story. Now, I’m not an expert in this area, but I am impressed with the textures used to give off the romantic vibe. How ever, I wouldn’t have used IU as the female protagonist on the poster since she’s not the main character or a character in the story. What I mean by this is that I find it somehow strange and unusual to use IU since she’s not an ulzzang.

Also, I think a gray coloured background or maybe a scroll like texture would have made the background of the story so much more appealing.

Description & Foreword;  6/10

Your description is definitely dramatic and somehow dynamic at the same time. It introduces us to the situation that triggers the whole story to unfold, so that’s a good thing.

However, I’d be careful about the usage of tenses. For example:

original ver.: “Have you ever had questions that you couldn't solve?”

rephrased ver.: “Have you ever had questions you couldn’t answer?” The ellipsis of ‘that’ makes the whole sentence much more intense and dramatic to the readers. Then, questions usually have answers, not solutions. Unless you’re talking about mathematical questions, then yes, there can be given solutions. But it’s better to stick with ‘answers’ when the first element is ‘question(s)’.

original ver.: “Cho Jin Ae lived in a complicated family.”

rephrased ver.: “Cho Jin Ae had a complicated family (situation).” Personally, I’d add ‘situation’ because it’s not only the family members that give trouble to your character, but the situations they force upon the female protagonist as well.

original ver.: “For one thing, her mom liked to date guys that are much much younger than her.”

rephrased ver.: “One thing was for sure: her mother liked dating guys who were so much younger than her.” For the first correction, that is the correct sintagma and it’s better to be followed by colon. As for the verb, it’s better to use a continuous version of it since you’re showing a habit of the mother, a thing she does multiple times. And since the first verb of the phrase is in past, the next one has to use the same tense; so, ‘guys that are’ becomes ‘guys who were’ (I also replaced ‘that’ with ‘who’ because we’re talking about humans here and the pronoun ‘that’ is usually (not always because there are exceptions as well) used for objects.

original ver.: “And yes, her mom had dated tons of younger good looking guys.

Few years after the death of Jin Ae's step-father,

And a few months after seeing her mother’s latest boyfriend got dumped,

Her mother brought home a charming looking guy –– Nam Woo Hyun.”

rephrased ver.: “And yes, her mom had dated tons of younger, good-looking guys. Few years after the death of Jin Ae’s step-dad and a few months after seeing her mom’s most recent boyfriend getting dumped, she gets to see the new ‘acquisition’: a charming guy - Nam Woo Hyun.”

original ver.: “Would her complicated life get any worse than this?”

rephrased ver.: “Could her already complicated life get any worse than that?”

The foreword is a completely different discussion now. This part should introduce your readers a bit into the story and/or characters. It should sparkle the interest of the readers. It’s alright to use graphic designed character charts to lead your readers through the nebulous relationships of your characters. But your small introductions of each character it makes your story look a little bit unprofessional. And it tires the eyes.

Again, I’ve spotted some grammar mistakes. Be careful to use constructions like “mother of”, “vice-president”, “more of the… type”, “are the same age” correctly. Also, remember that the tense you use in the first part of a phrase is followed by the same tense or a tense behind (eg. past -> past, past -> past participle) and that the third person singular always gets an ‘s’ or ‘es’ at the end of the action verb (eg. she gets, he goes, she eats, he sleeps)

______________ ✦두 번째 부분; the second part; the seam.✦______________

Creativity/Originality;  2.5/5

There is no such thing as completely original plot line in matter of fan fics. All stories have something in common, an idea or the whole plot. What it really matters is the way you take that idea and make it yours and transform it so that it leaves your readers completely dumbfounded. And I’ve seen before stories like yours, where the girl falls for her mom’s boyfriend or even step-dad.

Plot;  10/20

As I said before, there are other stories that deal with this kind of love that you present here. It all depends on your to make it different.

And as mean as I might sound, I felt like watching a bad drama… like ‘Heirs’ for example, where everyone is perfectly wealthy and so fascinated with the main character, that they just do not see their own problems. Plus, they’re all young and yet, so famous and rich. I know that it’s probably the most desired thing in life, but reality often checks in and it’s almost impossible to be 23 and famous in matter of business at least (it takes years to open up a business and actually survive on the market).

The problem with your plot, if I may say so, is the credibility: it builds little to none credibility. I know, it’s fiction and all, but you have to keep it to a normal level and not go over the top or it gets dull and unappealing to the public.

Also, be careful with the love line between Jin Ae and Woo Hyun because she’s underage and you’re speeding towards a forbidden love story because of her age.

Spelling, Vocab, and Grammar;   8/15

Like mentioned before, be careful with sequence of tenses and with the personal endings for the third person. Also, I strongly recommend you to stop using romanized Korean. Why you might ask. Well, first of all it’s unprofessional even if you’re creating Korean characters and situations. Secondly, it looks very messy introduced in a story written completely in English and it’s disturbing to the eye that is used to seeing English to suddenly meet a construction in Korean. Thirdly, not everyone knows Korean - yes, there are readers here that aren’t interested in the language and they’re here just to read stories about their favourites artists. And lastly, romanized Korean tends to be longer than than actual word in hangul due to the many vowels and consonants that can be brought together for transformation of a sound and that is hard to read for those who aren’t actually used to romanized Korean.

Words like ‘oppa’ or names of cities/districts are ok to use.

Characterization;   8/15

Of all the characters you’ve introduced, the one that sticks out the most is Jin Ae. Of course, she’s the female protagonist, so that’s a given. However, I feel her a little superficial. She’s bratty despite the whole family drama she’s been through and still going through and a little bit cocky (I blame that on her wealthy background), so it’s hard for one to identify himself it her. Also, even though she has three best friends, she doesn’t feel that close to any of them. What gives her personality the most is the fact that she’s calling her mother by her name and is not affectionate towards her or her half sibling.

Myung Soo is too wrapped around Jin Ae’s little finger and Sung Jong and Howon have few actual lines to allow me to have an opinion on them.

As of Woo Hyun, he’s definitely a brat and one that actually knows how powerful his position is. He definitely doesn’t think of others and is hot-headed. You made him act bothered/interested by that small incident with Jin Ae. You shouldn’t have made him pay any attention to that. He’s described as a powerful CEO, who’s often busy with his affairs. An incident like that wouldn’t make a real business man question about the girl’s identity or show any interest towards her. Sincerely? I like his bratty self here!

As of Sunggyu and Seungyeol, they’re like a pack: wherever Sunggyu is, you can find Sunggyeol as well and vice-versa. This can be both a good and a bad thing. A good thing because you can evidentiate ones characteristics by putting him in comparison with the other one and a bad thing because you can never pay enough attention to them as individuals. Seungyeol is completely funny if you ask me! Especially that last line of his!

About the other characters, you didn’t introduce them enough for me to form an opinion. Maybe the mother is a little bit too much immersed in her own love life to see that her daughter is suffering over the whole man craze that is going on around her. And that would make her a bad mother, if you ask me!

_______________ ✦일부분 삼; part three; the little things. ✦_______________

Chapter Titles; 4 /5

Although, again, you use Korea, this time I have nothing against it. I strangely find it rather classy!

Flow; 8 /10

Despite the grammar issues and typos and usage of romanized Korean, the flow is actually alright.

Writing Style (format + your style);  7/10

Like I mentioned above, I recommend you stop using so much romanized Korean. And maybe use the classic black color for the font you use?^^;

Extra & Notes;

Hey there!

Sorry for the harsh review. Please don’t feel discouraged by it!^^; You have skills, that’s a given! You just need to polish your English skills a bit and I’m sure everything will turn out for the best in your future reviews!

I am very serious when I tell you that romanized Korean is not that good when inserted in stories. It looks very unprofessional and even though AFF is a place for writers to develop as individuals, we continuously strike to get better and we often compete between us in matter of writing skills and grammar. I know that English is not your first language that’s why I’m telling you all of these through this very, extremely long review. I hope you found my corrections useful and helpful for the future stories you’re going to write!

All the best to you and your stories!

Score; ♡

59.5 points