AFF username: Dorkazoid

Story Title: pieces of time

Reviewer: supshaz

Story URL: piece of time

Genre: Angst, Remorse

Current Length (No. of Chapters): 8

Main Characters: Heechul & Man Yeon Sung/Aly

Rated?(yes/no): No

Click here for supshaz's review corner

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♪Opening

●Title- 3.8/5

Interesting phrase you got there… it definitely stands out a little bit more among the others. I love how you described bits and parts of ‘time’ (is that possibly an expression of the ‘past’ as well?) using the word ‘pieces’. I love the expression you’re trying to deliver. Somehow I can already guess the genre of your fanfic to be somewhat full of remorse andangst? I like how I’m able to tell that out straight-away. One flaw although you might did it on purpose- No capital letters in your title. Normally it should be ‘Pieces of Time’, but I have a feeling that you did your title like that to further emphasise the genre of your fic?

First time I gave a 3.8 lol.

●Poster/Background: 5/5

Lub Lub LUB your design and combos of colours here!! Definitely one of the best out there. Straight way I can sense the genre like the title, I love how the characters slightly faded into the over-whelming blue in the poster, with a fun addition of crimson at the side. The catchphrase certainly caught me out, it even gave a slight glimpse of the storyline~! The background is daebak- you kept it simple using gradient colours of black and grey. I love the texture as well, it made the colours less boring as it seems. Overall the poster and background go together extremely well~^^

●Description+Foreword- 8.5/10

I love the way you inserted a little prologue into the story along with additions of characteristics of the mains. It appears that Heechul and your OC are your only characters in the story. I don’t know if that’s the case yet since I always write my opening session before I read the story to give my opinions from first impressions. And I love the pictures!! Although you only used the pics out of the ones in the poster, I always think pictures of characters enhance them more and aids in helping readers to expand their imagination more~ :D:D I love how you keep elements of angst in the prologue, and hell, your foreword even reflects the title! Well done~^^

>>Total: 17.5/20<<

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♪Contents

●Creativity/Originality: 7.5/10

It’s interesting, it’s captivating, but I wouldn’t say the storyline is exactly distinctive. Pretty much the typical angst, remorseful type we get around here in AFF. But I love how you made Heechul here a normal person but with the same personality. From there you developed the storyline with him and the OC in amazement from start to the end. I could’ve been harsher and graded this slightly lower, but the way you made the plot follow your original ideal throughout really astonished me. ^_^

●Plot- 18.5/20

Same again here, since the story isn’t that original to start off with I can never really give you full marks here no matter how WONDERFUL you put forward the plot and development. But regardless of that I still graded you extremely high here – all of your other factors such as the ability to keep readers on edge, consistent and certain characters/plot development throughout the story, insertion of twists and turns etc really further enhanced your professional writing skills. Plot is described with flawless presentation as well as the characters. Fun, and yet make the audience feel- that’s the best thing I captured from your story. :D

●Chapter Titles: 5/5

Amazing, they are absolutely up to the highest standard. Every title had a certain degree of mystery, revelation and reflection of the storyline in that particular chapter itself. My favourite one is ‘Chapter 3- The Beach that Dropped Tears’- Such a beautiful personification it simply made me smile, just at the sight of the title lol. The others made me speechless as well as satisfied, but beware though- Every word in a title starts with capital letters. I don’t know if you’re trying to achieve your aim of being conversational throughout the story like in the title, but just a heads-up lol. I didn’t deduct you any marks for that~;)

●Flow: 8.8/10:

Since it’s a short story to start off with, I understand the level of difficulty to try to include everything in a story with such a short life-span, but you did generally great enough. I could feel, sense the development as the story goes on. You performed pretty well here and considering how hard is just proves the level your writing skills’ at once again.

But I do find the start a little dodgy though- the characters just kind of suddenly started communicating with each other? You described them as if they’ve never spoken to each other before and I just find the sudden beginning a little awkward. And also the kiss at the beach- I understand how you just wanted to emphasise the non-caring attitude Aly was putting forward about the kiss- but from Heechul’s POV the whole issue was dismissed pretty quickly with little details.. I wanted to know the aftermath girl! XD

And I don’t know how long they knew each other for (during the middle chapters) but enough for Heechul to notice her habits? :“She has this weird habit to slide on a dry, flat floor—which I find amusing since she’s the first person I’ve ever known to have such skills on flat surfaces.” Anyway, maybe a little more details could be emphasised on the timeline throughout the story.

>>Total: 39.5/45<<

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♪Expression

●Characterization- 15/15:

Beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. The best thing, other than your writing skills (which I’d talk about later) of your story is the way your characters are presented. The mains have such strong individualities they never failed to stand out amongst the others. I’ll highlight a few points which I find the best in your characterisation!

1) Notable changes in characters: this was done so perfectly in such an obvious aspect it wowed me even when I was going through the story casually. “This morning, my mother had asked me where I was going. She kept wondering why I’ve been smiling a lot these days. I wasn’t the type of person who always laughs or even smile. In fact, I am pretty sulky at home. I don’t dare come out of my room unless it’s dinner or meal time. Usually, I’m out with friends or just by myself. But Aly had been accompanying me. And I was happy.”(chp4)- In SUCH simply language, and yet it explained so much. You described changes not only from the characters’ own point of view when he accented the comparison of his previous and present self, but also from other minors’ actions. (E.g. Hee’s mother telling him he’s happy.) This just makes the change in characters stand out even more~:D

2) Consistent but Certain Revelation of Personalities: this mainly applied to Heechul but I guess Aly was involved slightly. I love how you reveal their characteristics bits by bits in the story. For E.G) Heechul- arrogant, ignorant, evil, prankster-like;Aly: ‘FREAK’, quiet, average, smart-tongued etc. But these were not summed up in the beginning like normal stories, instead it was revealed bit by bit throughout the entire story. What I loved the most though is even you keep adding new information about the characters, you still remembered to go back and further put emphasise on their old characteristics, their old selves, to enhance the change in their personalities to the next level. (lol is this hard to comprehend? XD)

3) Twists and Turns: again, in Heechul’s character more than Aly’s. How he can be so ‘dangerous’, arrogant, ignorant at the same time where cowardice starts to dominate him? This quote is from my favourite paragraph (which I’d explain further in writing style~): “I inhaled her sweet scent before brushing my mouth against hers. I felt my heart throbbing so loud I was scared that she would hear it.”(chp5) – WHAT? – was the question that popped into my head straight-away. ‘THE’ almighty Kim Heechul, the Golden Boy Kim Heechul? What happened to him? He’s scared? I realised the impact of the contrast here- truly fascinating.

Anyway I know I haven’t done this in a while but it’s worth doing it for this fic: Picking out the best lines for each character!

Heechul:“Thanks to you, I got into this emotional rollercoaster ride I never meant to ride on.”

Aly: “And you said I didn’t get to perform onstage. You were wrong, Heechul. I have performed to the world. I sang in front of the world.You are my world, Kim Heechul. Singing in front of you that time when you took me to the beach was enough.”

(sorry I forgot to jot down what chappies they were from…O_O)

This is the first time I give full marks in this section mind you! :D

●Writing Style- 10/10

If I could give higher, I would. Damn me lol for only rewarding 10 marks for this category. But yeah, you nailed this part as well~ Some best highlights from you:

1)Great mixture of Thoughts and Dialogues: You really tried to get conversational tone going throughout the story, it even reflects in your title and your chapter names~ There’s a balanced combo of thoughts and dialogues by the two main characters, and the way you keep your dialogues are really realistic and at the same time relatable to everyday conversations- I got insights from both within their private minds and in reality- Cookies for you or what? ^^

2) Moments of Realisation: these moments are so heavily emphasised I can only drop my jaw to the ground. “Her pale brown hair looked stunningly glorious against the sun rising from afar. Her eyes had this shade of brown I never saw before. That was then I realized she was really pretty. Whoever said she wasn’t seems to be so blind for saying that. I guess I was too dumb to realize that earlier, too.”(chp3)- Here I love how you included colours as well as description of Heechul’s thoughts of Aly’s visage.

But these paragraphs here earn the title of ‘MY FAVOURITE’ in the story:

“Aly blinked, gulping nervously. I watch as she shivered at my touch but she didn’t run away. I tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, revealing her face. “I feel like… I don’t know. Whenever I’m around you, I… then you kiss me and you just…”

I smirked. “Leave you breathless? I know. You do that to me, too.” I leaned closer, closing the gap between us. I inhaled her sweet scent before brushing my mouth against hers. I felt my heart throbbing so loud I was scared that she would hear it.

But I angled myself to kiss her a little better. And she didn’t even hesitate to kiss me back. This is it. I’m going to tell her now.

“I hope this is the number ten, Aly,” I whispered, leaning my forehead unto hers.

“Number ten?” she asked.

I stared into her eyes. “Falling in love. I love you, Aly.”

Her lips curve into a smile. “I love y—” Before she could finish her sentence, I saw blood coming out from her nose. At first I thought she was just scared that’s why she’s having nosebleed. I wanted to but the moment she started coughing out violently, I knew it wasn’t ordinary. People don’t start coughing just because you get nosebleed. You don’t cough like that when you’re having allergies. People aren’t always that pale.

I blinked, couldn’t even move. I can’t think. Everything was happening so fast that I didn’t have time to think. Aly has always been this annoying little girl. She’s always been this quiet and pale. I guess… I guess I’ve been missing something all along.”(chp5)

There’s just so much power in this paragraph. Realisations are everywhere and I’m left speechless.

3) Capturing Readers’ emotions: For example: I, as a reviewer, was so excited to find out what happens I forgot to jot down notes at the end of each chapter. Oh, and I cried. You don’t write in a level that’s difficult to comprehend, you keep the language simply and easy with a wide range of vocabs, and yet the emotions you brought out of me were countless. Especially during the Eiffel tower chapter and towards the end- I could feel my heart aching, and wanting more. And I agree this would be the strongest point this story holds within. Just simply beautiful.

●Mechanics: 8.5/10

I’m to the point of not even wanting to deduct marks off you!! Lol but I must be fair to all I guess. The grammar, vocabs and tenses usage in general are flawless as far as I could see, but some silly mistakes here and there. I do believe you proof-read your stories (do you? O_O), but sometimes we do miss out on these things, I know I do~ :D

*Mistakes:

>“like be a millionaire or discover a star and be named for it” (chp1)- techinically it should be ‘after’ ;

>“middle doesn’t a chance in social hierarchy”(chp1)- should have ‘stand’ inbetween;

“He’s a danger”(chp1)- leave out the ‘a’;

“ It’s been a long time since I saw him with his usual friends and a long time since he started to decide to hang out with him”(chp2) –doesn’t quite make sense… did you mean ‘since he started to decide to not hang out with them’?

“I was lying at the blanket,”(chp3)- should be ‘on’;

“We have arrived to Seoul ten minutes ago”(chp5)- should be ‘at’;

““How do I look? Do I look okay? Are my pores seen?”(chp5)- doesn’t really make sense in my opinion… maybe ‘can you see my pores’? would have a better accent on the conversational dialogue here?

>>Total: 33.5/35<<

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●Bonus- 5/5

What can I say, I’d love to click the subscribed button straight-away, but really too bad the story is completed. I have no complains though- the prologue and the epilogue correspond in perfection for me, and not every fic does that. ^^

>>>TOTAL: 95%<<<

(out of 100 marks)

A

MY HIGHEST SO FARRR!! Congrats!! Heenim is my bias lol~ <3 But that's not the reason of course, really though, you have no idea how I hate reading stories which only promote idols and are missing out the foundations of story-writing. I’m very picky when choosing stories to read, and lately nothing’s been on my radar AT ALL. This fanfic doesn’t really lack anything, from the perfect basic aspects to the skilled style it portrays. One of the best story I’ve read, and I was never a fan of angst stories. And I doubt my writing skill is yet comparable to yours!

Hwaiting to your next story!! Write all you want to relief all that stress. ^_^ just you know us readers are always here to make it better for you!

*sigh* I miss him so much.