Username: Flower-of-May

Story Title (&link): Packs of White and Dozens of Red

Main Characters (+pairings): Krystal, Sulli, Taemin, Kai, Sehun

Genre(s): Romance, friendship, brotherhood, sisterhood, family, angst.

Current Length (No. of Chapters): 31 - completed

Rated?: No - PG-15

Reviewer: KissDromedaGirl

_______________ ✦일부분 일; part one; the beginning. ✦_______________

Title;  5/5

    I instantly thought someone else would choose this one, so I held off. I wanted to review it first because the title - the title gives you clues and draws you in, wondering what the symbolism is right there. I like titles like this, honestly, so you get a happy mark from me on that note. I think others would click for the title being so alluring, plus this is a fic about Krystal, Sulli, Taemin, and Kai.
 

Poster/Background;  1/5

    The poster kind of makes my head hurt... I love how Taemin is displayed through the polaroids, but the background polaroids are too color-clashing and the title... the title is a mixture and I think though it goes with the theme you've obviously got for the poster... it's just a complete mess. I'm sorry to say...

    But from this I can see it's about Taemin mainly. I like that feature - knowing who's the main or showing off the protagonists in the poster. It helps justify who's who.

Description & Foreword;  8/10

    So, first off I see the subtitle lingering in the description: "of tattoos and oddity" - so is that the subtitle or-?

    To the actual description though...

    "All I know in my life is running away; I seek my help from a pack of white powder to forget about the dozens of red fluid I left behind in that small town." I only changed 'dozen' to 'dozens' because you can't really call it grammatically correct otherwise and I couldn't figure a way to reword it for this. Also, I changed a couple words to present tense, sense you have that the rest of the description.

    "-but the beginning isn't as bright as it should be." 'As' should be used both before 'bright' and after.

    'Fan Shell Island' - Island should be capitalized, too.

    'has come' is more suitable for present tense, instead of the mixture of has and came, which is past.

     With that said... I actually really enjoy the description. It gets a good summary going and tells his main problem, but not who. I especially like how he brings up the red and white a lot, and anyone can guess as to what it is, even if it isn't that, so to speak.

    Now, for the Characters and Character Charting, I'm going to speak of it down in Characterization. ^^ Also, having charts can lead to two things: too much info being given, or helping understand who's who. I think the charting is actually pretty cute and the vibe we see is fun and adventure-y, you know? So, it's acceptable here, which is a rare thing for me to go for. Yay! Ahah.

    And, good for the rating here, because a lot of people just go for either Rated of Not Rated. Applause for you, love! And the info is a good warning, so that's fun to know. But I'm sure readers will already guess these places are of your imagination. ^^

    FOREWORD:
    Now usually we want info down in the Foreword, but I do like how all that is up above and in your Foreword we see how you created it and things... I'm one for always knowing how a story came to be. It's fun to know! And I'm giddy to read it because I like insight in to the world the writer has made up just for his/her characters.

 

_______________ ✦두 번째 부분; the second part; the seam.✦_______________

Creativity/Originality; 5/5

    I liked what you put in the story and how you brought in scenes and things I usually don't see anymore in fics. I love Taemin as a whole. And even though I ended up liking and disliking a lot of elements, it's a mix of feelings I can't contain and that's gREAT! I applaud you wholly for it because this was a storyline I haven't really seen.
 

Plot;  14/20

    Seeing a tour guide, who you actually don't put at Sulli's age (woohoo~) who blends in with her world, even though things happen and it isn't the fairytale people expect - you see a great story evolve from these pieces of incredible scenes we see. And you did so well bringing different kinds of scenes in to the mix! It adds element and I'm so thrilled for this! The plot is great, finding himself and trying to be clean.

Spelling, Vocab, and Grammar;   9/15

    You had trouble with grammar a lot of the time and I felt at loss because of the lack of better detail. I also would like to see an improvement on words by going to a thesaurus and switching out words because reusing describing words over and over bores a reader and erases value to a story.

    So, more revision and grammar changes, and look up more words to help out.

Characterization;   13/15

    From the beginning, here is how each is represented. Then I'll follow up with comments over how they truly are and what I see in development. ^^

    Lee Taemin, '87 liner, Korean, from Mounty Valley, is a tour guide. From the chart I see he is in to tattoos, close to Krystal, and he smokes.

    Choi Jinri, '92 liner, Korean, from Mounty Valley, a student. From the chart, likes adventure, into Taemin or likes him?

   Kim Kai, '89 liner, Canadian-Korean, from White Hills, a waiter; drinks, likes Krystal?, skateboarder.

     Jung Krystal, '92 liner, American-Korean, Fan Shell Island native, student. Is blonde and loves it, close to Sulli, photographer, drinks.

    Let's start with Taemin and Sulli. Taemin is supposed to be a sort of "bad guy, rebel; a kid running from his past. Although, I feel like that's just a facade here. He seems charming, and sarcastic - which is always my favorite... but I fee like he loses that characterization after a while and it really comes and goes.

In the beginning, I found Sulli so awkward and it made the whole ordeal adorably sweet! And she smells like lemon... and that's alluring? Wow... Taemin is weird.

    And right off the bat... Kai and Krystal are having a little too much fun together. So we have a typical contradicting couple thing going on, which is always a symbol for excitement! But... I end up not really liking Kai and Krystal through this. I meant, not hating them as a character or anything, it's just- I of course just see them as supporting characters and I don't see them as a giant signifigance. But... that's brings me to the fact that I liked who they were made out to be. Kai looked reckless and confident, then turned shaky and all for Krystal; Krystal seemed so dauntless and able and ready for any kind of love.

    Taemin changed, and I loved seeing him evolve and refind himself, even through Sulli. Sulli seemed so tragically beautiful, for some reason, and she felt like the usual base for any troubled lead. But I do adore how they are. I saw development and I saw a true beauty shining from even their depths. I like who they were and who they became, so I'm happy with the overall turnout.

_______________ ✦일부분 삼; part three; the little things. ✦_______________

Chapter Titles;  5/5

    Normal titles, easy to keep up with.

Flow;  5/10

     I felt like this had a lot of points where I got bored, so it was hard to read on, and then it skipped fast and I got confused! So, for the flow of it all, it's all mixed up and it bothers me in a way because I got confused or bored. I enjoyed the story so darn much at the end, but getting up to points was hard because I wanted to skip, and did, and then had to backtrack. Revising and trying to detail more always helps the flow come out nicer.  

Writing Style (format + your style);  10/10

    The way you portrayed the characters, it was absorbing because I fell for Taemin's troubles and I adored Sulli and all that she was for; every mishap or tragedy or anything was defined and written in your way and it is amazing! <3 Just a little more work in grammar and detail.

Extra & Notes; (+5)

    I loved the idea and how it went, but there were elements that need fixed. And that's why it's 80 overall. Which really isn't bad!

Total Score; ♡

80

>> Reviewer Note; ♡

Thanks for the opportunity! <3