Username: YamieX

Story Title (&link): Living Lies (A Kindaichi Hajime X S.T. Aoyama Sho Crossover)

Main Characters (+pairings): Hey! Say! JUMP; Kindaichi Hajime (Yamada Ryosuke), Aoyama Sho (Shida Mirai), Miura Haruma, Hongo Kanata, and others

Genre(s): Japanese; Mystery, Romance

Current Length (No. of Chapters): 13

Rated?: No.

Reviewer: KissDromedaGirl

_______________ ✦일부분 일; part one; the beginning. ✦_______________

Title;  3/5

    I am not one bit familiar with Japanese things, aside from groups and some key terms and words and maybe some anime things, but other than that... I know nothing. So, obviously now, I have no idea what the crossover is, but I do know of Hey! Say! JUMP, and whatnot. But, I love seeing crossover types, so it interests me. And those who adore Japanese stories, and possibly crossover, who'd click the link for it.

    "Living Lies" is pretty interesting, as well. Who's living a lie? Are they all? And what lies? It makes you question a lot, and though I have to say it's kind of bland, I still would like to see the crossover and how it goes.
 

Poster/Background;  2/5

    I want to say, with no offense intended, that the poster reminds me of Japanese-themes, but is so darn messy! I like the picture strips to the side, and the introduction of the characters with their names, but the crime scene tape, and the giant japanese words blow my eyes up and off course. Yellow is a significant color on there, and it makes me go right to it... and I can't focus, honestly.

   But it does remind me of Japanese shows and stories, so, I'll give it that. Plus, the background is much like it and I think it fits well since it's not so bright and "out there", you know?

Description & Foreword;  8/10

    I shall help.

    "When IQ 180 Top Detective Kindaichi Hajime meets the runaway S.T. Genius Profiler Aoyama Sho on his bicycle tour around Japan, their fates are tied together with lies and hidden secrets. When all secrets and lies are revealed, what would they learn and how will they be saved? Will the two lonely souls ever learn to trust people again?"

  With the description... I feel like it summarizes such random parts. And it feels a bit overly stereotypical. Lonely souls that can't trust, fate, etc., I love that, truly, but I don't think the last sentence should be there. Only because I feel it just takes away from the rest of it. We don't know about them being lonely souls or about their trust and whatnot, so putting that there not only gives away information, but it hurts the rest of the description.
   And the first sentence... such a mouthful, honestly.
  "On a tour around Japan to find himself once again, Kindaichi Hajime, an IQ 180 Top Detective, ran in to a boyish-like girl whom happened to be a S.T. Genius Profiler named Aoyama Sho. From then on, the two souls are tied together by fate, leading them on a wacky yet dangerous journey. They find hidden secrets and many lies on the way, also trying to find their true selves and figure out each other in the mix. With this destiny-given journey panning out, what will they find, and will they be able to be saved? Or will they fall in to the hands of what they fear to become?"

   Minus the last sentence, I did a summary. You do not have to use it whatsoever, but I tried to show you how to word things - especially names that are such a mouthful... But, for some reason, Japanese names and titles are always so long... Sigh.

   But! I tried. Other than that, I enjoyed the description and the introduction of all the characters! I think with such a big cast, that the intros are necessary, in case anyone gets confused. Usually I would lean away from such character charting, but here... I love it!

FOREWORD:

    I think for the theme that the Foreword information is a really nice twist to things and works so well! It shows what "Living Lies" means for the story, which is brilliant! And it goes on to try and work out the problems, titled as the main characters. It's beyond brilliant in my brain, so bravo to this!
 

_______________ ✦두 번째 부분; the second part; the seam.✦_______________

Creativity/Originality;  5/5

    From the Foreword, to the chapters themselves, to the characters used and the entire theme and plot - it's awesome, to say the least! I have read few Japanese stories, but when I do they are usually interesting... I think this works for yours, too! It's not only interesting, but brilliant, unique, and makes me smile so much.
 

Plot;  20/20

    For the plot, I loved how it sent us on a ride through this journey with the two and face obstacles. It is like a giant drama to me, and that can both be a hard thing to fill or an easy thing to create within the words; this was both good and bad to me, because I understood and loved how it went, but the lack of detail (I explain in the section below) is what always gets me for stories. The details help the plot, and story overall. But the main point here - the plot - is something worth reading and you did very well!

Spelling, Vocab, and Grammar;   8/15

    Slow clap to ecstatic applause for telling us the meaning of Japanese words. In a lot of Korean-based stories, people use the words a lot without proper translation or none whatsoever. So, I'm happy. But... why does Kindaichi shout "Uso" if it means "lie" - I'll figure it out, but I'm curious.

    "Kindaichi stared at the body beneath him wide-eyed, his face was merely few inches away the irritated face of a little pretty looking boy. "

    FIX: Kindaichi screeched, staring at the body beneath him with wide anime-like eyes. His face was merely a few inches from the pretty looking boy he was squishing. The face looked red and irritated, but Kindaichi didn't seem to notice.

   "The mentioned boy rolled his eyes and tried to push the lumpy weight from his body, “do you mind?”"

    FIX: "Baka!" the pretty boy cursed back, rolling his soft brown eyes before attempting to push the lumpy weight from his body. "Do you mind?" he questioned the mass above him. The pretty boy seemed to be getting more irritated by the moment, albeit sore from said stranger crashing into him and not even trying to get off.

    For grammar and detail, it is a must. Yours is really well done, but I think you lack in some areas, then add unneeded things in other areas. I could see the small bits before it went in to rough detail, which I like. But for stories like yours, readers need to feel the irritation of the characters, or the confusion, or the happiness that seeps from their very soul. Detail is all about showing not only the surroundings, but the feelings and how they speak! For this, I think trying a thesaurus for extra words will help. I use it a lot. And you need to also pause, think about how the scene feels, looks, or how the character is and portray that through your writing.

   Like my "fixes" above, can you see how I added in detail and tried to show you what other emotions Aoyama was feeling? Soreness from the entanglement, and then Kindaichi's fascination with the pretty boy he ran in to.

Characterization;   10/15

    Let's focus on our two stars: Kindaichi and Aoyama.

    Kindaichi is a genius - a boy right out of high school. He's working as a top detective at such a young age, with pressure, a rather high IQ, and it's said he is also unmotivated, warm and caring, and expressive. Lots of high IQ people aren't expressive with their feelings or emotions, yet some are. And usually with character cases, they are one or the other. But I almost feel as if Kindaichi is shown as a smart, gentle, awesome type of guy with few flaws that you don't notice. And I think that we do end up seeing him as such a good, round character, but his first glimpse forprayal is arrogant, in a way, you know? He seems already head-over-heels with Aoyama just on the first meeting- and that's any drama for you, actually. So, while I do love how this is for drama and characteristic wise, I still have this feeling over Kindaichi that I just... don't like.

    Aoyama... typical smart, arrogant, and stubborn protagonist that I dsespise seeing a lot of times. Though I do like the fact she comes off more flawed because we are drawn to the flaws, but it seems she's more rounded and realistic than Kindaichi. And I think this represents how most couples start off in any type of situation for a fic, story, drama, etc. The girl is the hard- and the boy is a bit in the clouds. And that's what I feel from them!

    For the rest of the characters, I do like them and am glad they're not ironed out and looking the same from each direction, you know? I like every character overall, but when I go in-depth over the two stars, I just... sigh. The stars are so good, but I still feel lie their roles are expected.

_______________ ✦일부분 삼; part three; the little things. ✦_______________

Chapter Titles;  4.5/5

They represent each chapter fairly well and give you an overall expectation.

Flow;  10/10

This story went so well and it was far from boring. I love the roll of it and how there were bumps, but good bumps! It was a nice flow and the time frames were all mixed well.

Writing Style (format + your style);  10/10

Your style, to me, is really well to read and I liked experiencing the story through your words. So, please keep writing - and remember the details! 

Extra & Notes; (+5)

This was really well written, entertaining by far, and I enjoyed it a lot! <3

Total Score; ♡

85.5

>> Reviewer Note; ♡

you did so well~ thank you!