My Secret Lover
Pandromeda Review Shop Archive
by: ELAiNEE
Title: 2.5/5
The title to me does not fit the story all too well. The music notes don’t really go with it either, but you can place them in the title if you want and if you feel the need to have them there. When you see music notes, you think: Secret Lover~~ As if you are singing it. That’s how I feel about it.
It does draw me in some, because I’m thinking that there is an actual secret lover that the main character has in the story that she keeps a secret from everyone. But that isn’t so, really.
Poster/Background: 5/10
Your poster is cute. Not to say anything mean or bad against the designer. It just seems a bit unprofessional and that it could use some work. Like, Junhyung’s head, I’m sure, isn’t square. His name is also kind of cut off in the poster. I like the quotes in the poster, though, and where the title is placed. Though, I don’t know why Teen Top is there. On first glance, you think this story revolves around the ‘you’ character, L.Joe, Junhyung, and all of Teen Top. I mean, Teen Top takes place in a lot of the story, but it would be better to focus on just the 3 main characters. Though, I could be wrong and you could leave them there…I feel as if they shouldn’t be there.
Description: 3/5
I liked how you wrote your description, but there were some errors and things I didn’t find suitable about it.
You wrote:
You never ever had a boyfriend in your entire life.. You think nobody loves you..
But not your bestfriend, He is the best!
His name is L.Joe and he is your childhood BESTfriend, and your families are really close to each other also.
He is like your brother and he is always there for you.
But what if you are starting to fall for him unexpectedly?
Then one day he confessed that he loves you?! will you accept him?..
Even though you only treat him like your own brother? and you already love someone else?
What if it's already too late for L.Joe?!.. .
What you can put (even though I may recommend you revise your Description like this, you do not have to!):
You never had a boyfriend your entire life. (You can revise it and it still get to the point. Also, leave out the two periods at the end, it will look better.) You think nobody loves you. Your best friend does, however. (Revised.) He is the best! His name is L.Joe and he is your childhood bestfriend. Your families have been really close to each other for a long time. (Revised.) He is like your brother and is always there for you, no matter what! (Revised.)
But what if you are starting to fall for him unexpectedly? Then, one day, he confesses that he loves you?! Will you accept him as a boyfriend, even though you only treat him like your own brother? (Revised – I left out the ‘?..’ because that really isn’t correct for an ending of a sentence. I added the next sentence into it and added the word ‘boyfriend’ after taking out the ‘?..’.) And what if you already love someone else? What if it’s already too late for L.Joe?
I’m not saying anything against it, but I revised it because of the errors in it.
Foreword: 2.5/5
The foreword listed the characters and an author’s note. So, not much of anything there otherwise, which is fine. The only thing that gets me about your author’s note is you said:
‘Sorry for the typographical errors and grammars..
just ignore it. lol~’
That’s fine, but it’s kind of odd. To be more professional with your writing, you should probably take that out…or leave it, whatever suits you.
Chapter Names: 2.5/5
In the beginning, you had the chapter names ending with ‘?!’ or ‘..’ I don’t recommend that. I only started seeing normal chapter names when we reached the 6th or 7th chapter, I think. The first chapter, ‘Couples?!’ is fine, but one of the earlier chapters, ‘Junhyung?!’ doesn’t really work. As for the couple of chapters you divided in parts, make sure to capitalize ‘Part 1’ and ‘Part 2’ and don’t just put ‘---- part 1’ and ‘---- part 2’. The chapter names were OK - just a few minor problems. For the parts, I have also noticed (later than usual) that you put on as ‘---- part 4 Day 2’ but in the previous chapter you put the chapter name as ‘---- part 3’. Don’t forget to include everything you need to when writing the chapter names – capitalization of the necessary words; add in all parts, and other included words like the ‘Day 1’ or ‘Day 2’, etc.
In chapter 13: I noticed your title was ‘---- part 5 Day 2’ like the previous chapter, but with a different part. Look over that, please, and correct it.
Believe it or not, some people read the chapter names. For me, the chapter name gives me some hints as to what the chapter is about and if it seems interesting. For some people, they skip that chapter name and just read the chapter. I cannot not read the chapter name; it is part of the story, so why not read it and think about it a little?
Characterization: 14/15
I like the characterization in this a lot. You did really well here~! May I suggest you not add in the colors? Stay with one color or go plain black. It would look better. Maybe, also, center the description of them above them. I think that could help, too.
Format: 2/5
The format I have a problem with. You have your paragraphs/lines double spaced or more, which isn’t necessary. You could easily have them just double spaced. Sorry for the confusion, but they are way more than double spaced and in the first sentence I mention that, I am meaning they are more, I just don’t know how many more. After every other sentence, you happened to put two periods instead of just one. That can become a problem and confused the reader big time!
By the third chapter, I started noticing that you began coloring your text. If you are going to do that, stick to one color and keep it throughout the whole story. I happened to also notice that your thoughts, most of them I think, are in full caps and in ‘*’ which is fine, but keep the ‘Caps Lock’ off unless you or the person thinking is actually screaming. I also happened to notice that the things people do are in italics? Use italics for flashbacks or for thoughts or even for titles and names of things, not what the person is doing unless it is a flashback. For flashbacks, use italics on the whole part, not just a few sentences.
Flow/Detail: 4/10
You left out a lot of detail in the story. I saw too much dialogue and there needs to be more thoughts or details about the place, person, and how the character is feeling. When it comes to writing a story, detail is key. You could actually write a story with few to no dialogue lines, I am sure, but when you have too many…it becomes too much! Even though as you progressed through the story, I saw more detail…I shall give you an example just for tips and help:
Its saturday afternoon, L.Joe went to your house..
"Hi Mrs. Choi.. is ~~~~ here?" L.Joe bowed.
"Ohh.. Hi Byung Hun! go upstairs, ~~~~ is in her room." Mrs. Choi smiled.
"okay~" L.Joe and went upstairs. after a few steps, He reached your room and knocked..
"~~~~ah!" L.Joe yelled from outside.
"Ohh.. Come on in!" You yelled back.
He entered your room and smiled..
"Ya! What are you doing?" L.Joe tilted his head when he saw you on your bed playing on your tablet.
"I'm playing angry birds. Ohh~ Damn. I missed!!" You shouted.
"Huh?! What's that?" L.Joe said, confused.
"It's a game." You blurted with your eyes still on your tablet.
"..Ya! Let's go to the park!~" He tapped your shoulders.
Here’s what you should do:
It’s(use ‘it’s’ when saying ‘it is’. When you use ‘its’ you are referring to it owning something, which in this case, it is not.)Saturday(capitalize ‘Saturday’ or any day of the week)afternoon.L.Joe went to your housein hopes you two could hang out. When he reached your house, he sighed and knocked on the door, hoping you’d answer. Which, you didn’t. Your mother opened the door, saw him, and smiled slightly. (I just added some detail and extra things to show you what you can do.)
"Hi, Mrs. Choi, is~~~~ here?" L.Joe bowed. Please say ‘yes’! He thought to himself. (Adding some kind of thought from another character can be helpful and helps reveal some of how they think and react to things.)
"Oh! (When using ‘oh’ it is better as an expression like ‘Wow!’ ‘Yikes!’ or Whoa!’ You should use it as I showed you and not with two periods following it. You can do that, but it’s better in this case not to.)Hi Byung Hun! Go(You didn’t capitalize ‘Go’. Remember at the beginning of every sentence, you capitalize!)upstairs.~~~~ is in her room." Mrs. Choi smiled, opening the door wider and stepping to the side.
"Okay~" L.Joe said andpassed Mrs. Choi as he entered your house. Hewent upstairs. After a few steps, he(You accidentally capitalized ‘he’ when not necessary.)reached your room and knockeda few times, waiting for you to answer. (You added two periods instead of one, so I erased them and added in some detail.)
"~~~~-ah!" L.Joe yelled from outside. Her mom said she was up here…now where is she? He thought, slightly upset, but also slightly worried. (More thoughts and more detail!)
"Oh!(I changed the ‘Ohh..’ again to the correct form.)Come on in!" You yelled back. You hadn’t realized someone was at the door.
L.Joe smiled knowing you were, in fact, in your room. He opened the door and walking in, closing it behind himself. He looked at you.
"Ya! What are you doing?" L.Joe tilted his head when he saw you on your bed playing on your tablet.
"I'm playing ‘Angry Birds’.(When naming a game, book, or something around that area, you should either put quotations around it and capitalize the name or put the name – still capitalized –in italics.)Oh!Damn!I missed!!" You shouted, angry at your miss on your game. L.Joe slightly distracted you. Even though he is your best friend, it still irritated you when he distracted you from your game.
"Huh?(It is better not to use ‘?!’ unless you are both confused and shocked/surprised/upset or something that has to do with using the ‘!’. In this case only a ‘?’ is needed.) What's that?" L.Joe said, confused. He had never really been into games like that, so the game was new and unheard of to him. You had thought about showing him it earlier, but never got around to it.
Slightly annoying and eyes still locked to the tablet screen you shout unintentionally, “It’s a game, L.Joe!” (More detail about the situation and his reaction to it.)
He furrowed his brow but then relaxed slightly. He didn’t want to sit up here in your room, watching you play some game he wasn’t interested in. That didn’t seem to entertain him in the slightest. He finally realized why he was there in the first place and he smiled, walking over to you. He tapped on your shoulder, “Ya! ~~~~, let’s go to the park!” (I added more detail and his feeling in this. It helps the reader and keeps them somewhat interested in what’s going on with the story.)
Otherwise, I find the flow of the story to be going well.
Creativity/Plot/Originality: 5/10
This isn’t the most creative and original story out there, but anymore, what story is? I tell this to every person I have reviewed, because it is true – you have turned the story into your own with your characters and how you make them in the story. The scenes you add, makes the story and idea your own. So, keep up the good work with that, but I’m not scoring high, because it isn’t an original story.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 12/30
You have errors, typos, and grammatical problems, which you have stated in your foreword. I know you know, but as a writer, you should try your hardest to reread the story and to fix those problems, right? It’s only for the best and can benefit you and your writing in the future. It also teachers you to reread and fix problems and to be aware of the problems and to not just type and overlook them like you have. Just trust me. Once you do that, you will feel better and be more confident in your writing style and what you write. So, in your foreword, you won’t have to tell your readers that you have mistakes in it and to just overlook them if they will and most try but it’s impossible, I tell you that.
Also, lack of detail doesn’t give me much to offer with points. More detail means more writing and words to examine and more sentences to look over – which in the end means more things to fix or more things to praise you over if you got your stuff right.
Overall: 50/100
Additional Comments:
I did enjoy the story somewhat, but the lack of detail and the grammatical errors and typos bothered me. They always do in stories, and I can’t help that fact. Keep up the good story and try to add more detail into it. Since it is a longer-type story, make sure to pace yourself carefully and don’t go too slow with the progression of the story. Good luck in the future~! ^__^
I hope you enjoyed the review and I wasn’t too harsh or over critical!
Reviewer:
KissDromedaGirl
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