AFF username: asianrocker721

Story Title: ☄ Prince Charming?Pshh More Like Prince Badass! ☄

Story URL: ☄ Prince Charming?Pshh More Like Prince Badass! ☄

Genre: Cute,Kinda of cheesylove,Romcom,Kinda of typical kingka ,nerd love

Current Length (No. of Chapters): 5

Main Characters: Angel, L.Joe, Junhyung

Rated?(yes/no): Yes

You can also find this review in the reviewer's shop HERE

 Reviewer: supshaz

 

 

Here you go!

 

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

 

♪Opening

 

 

●Title- 3/5

I gave the marks not so much based on the decoration at the start and at the end of the title, but more of the vibe I’m able to receive from it. Although it’s a little longer than normal fanfics, I like how it sounds cheesy although not overly done. Readers are able to detect the storyline almost straightaway, as well as the genre. ^_^ 

●Poster/Background: 4/5

 

I actually really like the design of the poster! This is my first time encountering a gif-like poster and I really like the effect it has on your poster. It further emphasises that fun loving atmosphere along with your sparkly background. I took away a little mark here because I didn’t really prefer moving background (those starts I’m talking about), because it easily distracted me when I was going through your story. But overall it has what a poster basically needs. :)

●Description+Foreword- 7/10

Well it simply has what it takes really, nothing less but nothing more. It described the plot, although I wish it was more than just a few typical lines. But your characters’ details are given in depth which I usually prefer. Normally readers don’t like character introduction to be done in bullet points though, because it indicates too much information all at once for them. If you have time try summarizing the points and make it a little bit more mysterious and intriguing in order to lure more readers on. Oh, and don’t forget to tidy up the visage of it as well~ :D 

 

>>Total: 14/20<<

 

*.:｡✿*ﾟ‘ﾟ･✿.｡.:**.:｡✿*ﾟ’ﾟ･✿.｡.:* *.:｡✿*ﾟ¨ﾟ✎･✿.｡.:**.:｡✿*ﾟ¨ﾟ✎･

 

 

♪Contents

 

 

●Creativity/Originality: 4/10

Well, I can’t exactly give you any higher than that because nowadays Gangster/High school stories are way overrated and are getting too much attention than they deserve. Not saying that it’s a crap story line or anything (in fact I’m a er for them), but it’s just everywhere and nearly half of the requests I’ve been receiving have identical plots to this one. Your characters don’t seem all that original so I can’t really put anything extra in for them. T_T But since you’re only at chapter 5 there are still a lot of room for expansion, so try to be more creative ne~?

●Plot- 6.5/20

It’s going by the plot- I’ll at least give you that. But why do I get this really fluffy feeling off your story? I doubt the stability of this fiction- there are moments where I just can’t picture happening… I would have accepted them if they are slightly better described. For example: - When Angel walked in to Cube High and the sun shines on her, and everyone stopped looking at her and even the teacher stopped making out with the lunch lady? The last part was a little… strange, and unrealistic!

●Chapter Titles: -/5

Not Applied. :)

●Flow: 5/10:

 

At first I was a little impressed by the plot actually, but as time grew the plot itself became an issue for me: with the flow of it being part of the problem. For example: You’ve stated there’s a ‘cliffhanger’ at the end of Chapter 1 right? It was done in such a rough manner I thought you just left the chapter unfinished: “The class felt worry for Angel because THe probelm was super hard 

"L.-“- Here I have no idea what you’re going to say and I don’t even know what’s happening half of the time! That doesn’t really seem like a cliff-hanger to me in my opinion...T_T                                      

Sometimes things happen really abruptly and I just don’t know what’s going on: “Sure! " Yelled Happyly Angel because she friends with THE F(x) Amber and The CD like voice IU

They Exchange Phone numbers and Laugh as time fly by

Seems Peaceful on this side_”- Here Amber and IU popped out of NOWHERE and suddenly exchanged phone numbers? Isn’t it going a little too fast or what?

There are unconnected ends here and there: "OMO YOU JUST KICK THE JUNHYUNG IN THE MAN HOOD ARE YOU CRAZY?!?!??!??!!??!?!" Yelled IU

"He Not that Scary He More Like our Classmate zico so it doesnt matter really Much " Said Angel as she shrug

"Aish Come On guys let get going before they ran out of Spicy Tuna!!!!" Yelled Amber”(chp4)- The whole scenario here just appeared awkward, and skippy in my opinion 

 

>>Total: 15.5/45<<

 

*.:｡✿*ﾟ‘ﾟ･✿.｡.:**.:｡✿*ﾟ’ﾟ･✿.｡.:* *.:｡✿*ﾟ¨ﾟ✎･✿.｡.:**.:｡✿*ﾟ¨ﾟ✎･

 

 

♪Expression

 

 

●Characterization- 7/15:

 

Since the plot structure is so confusing for the majority of the time I spent on reviewing the story, the characters do not appeal to me in any sort of way other than just being their ‘roles’ in their societies (like jocks, cheerleaders, gangster, perfect girl etc).

1)Angel: After you described her character in such perfect form and everything- how she’s super nice and an absolutely pleasant young lady, and suddenly she spilled out a line like this?: ”Aish This Bastard is Really a..."Thoughted Angel” & "Yah Wake the hell up Pinky it’s lunch now"  Yelled Ange.(chp2)-the whole dialogue here sounds a little conflicting to me. And why is she so violence? It doesn’t sound like what she was described in the first place! "-I dont know Who you think you are or whatever but you should know im am THE---- " Braged JunhyungWho gotten Interupt by a Kick in the ManHood”(chp3)

2) Junhyung & L.Joe: Here their personas created are so similar I can’t exactly identify any difference in both characters. They’re both the typical type of ‘gangsters’, although they haven’t official came into play yet in the story, they’ve made brief appearances which were quickly abandoned after that particular scenario. Eg) The scene where Angel was arguing with L.Joe. What happened? It was cut to a sudden end and L.Joe seemed to disappear after that. I know that you’re still 5 chapters only into the story but what I’m trying to bring forward is that you should avoid abrupt pause on such character development when it was on the process of being introduced to readers.

3)Amber & IU: Okay… They suddenly popped out of nowhere and started befriending Angel? : "Sure! " Yelled Happyly Angel because she friends with THE F(x) Amber and The CD like voice IU. They Exchange Phone numbers and Laugh as time fly by.“(chp2)- This seems like an unrealistic approach, and the two characters look like they don’t acquire much of a personality. And btw, IU shouldn’t be the character’s name. It’s a really silly and yet lovable STAGE name created by her company so using ‘IU’ as her character’s name here just reminds me of the singer ‘IU’, and not the normal ‘IU’ (with her real name being Lee Jieun).

 

●Writing Style- 1/10

 

There are actually a lot of things I want to comment on, so let’s get to it:

1)Absence of Punctuation Marks: This was really frustrating to me as a reviewer. I hate seeing absences of P.M because not many people realise it, but they make an extremely important distribution to a good fanfics: “Angel Woke from Her Room It wasnt Shabby or Rich but Simple Cuteness and Cozy!!!(chp1)”- This is the first sentence of the story and already I spotted missing punctuation marks. Where are all the P.M? “Time Passed and She Was at school Well at the Begining of the gate”(chp1)- Here you are missing commas and such.

2)Inappropriate Timing for Paragraphs: 

 “Angel was the last to leave so before she went out the classroom

she saw

a Bright Pink Hair Peep out behind her so Just poke his hair.”- There really shouldn’t’ be a paragraph at all in that sentence.!! (elaborate in section of ‘Mechanics’.)

3)Excessive Amount of Capital Letters: “Said Your Anoying As hell Big Brother “(chp1) & "Yeah yeah what Ever Oppa !" Says Angel As Stomp Her Way to the Bahtroom And Triped on the way “(chp1). –Capital letters should only apply to words starting a sentence and certain names and nouns.

4)Wrong expression: “Time Passed and She Was at school Well at the Begining of the gate”(chp1)- there’s no such thing as ‘Beginning’ of the gate. I understand what you’re trying to put forward, but the way you expressed it just doesn’t apply to the situation.

Another example would be this:

                            Dongho                 Angel           Chunji

                             Chanjo               Hyungjoong    Kimbum (From Boys over Flowers)

L.joe                           CAP                    NIEL       Ricky

 Yosoeb   Gikwang       Doojoon  Junhyung   “- Use words to describe instead of drawing it out like that. You have to tell me using purely WORDS, because that’s what writing is all about you know?

5) Lots of Improvements Needed on Spellings and Grammar and Tenses: lots and lots of work needed… "Some than Some Jerk Was Talking about himself and right there i kick him in where te sun doesnt shine No big deal!" Said Angel”(chp4)- I really can’t comprehend anything from that sentence, except for fragments which I can barely get an idea out of. Read more of the GOOD (only) stories out there to educate yourself. I used to be an ‘okay’ writer but I improved a bunch after going through tons of fantastic stories! Believe in yourself more! ^^

6) Distracting Colours & Fonts: Others might find this a charm of the fanfics, but I personally disagree. The colours are really getting into the way when I’m reading so I suggest you cut back on some of the ‘styling’ you apply to the story.

 

●Mechanics: 0/10

 

I’ve decided to write the first 2 chapters out (revised version of course) for you. (I got rid of all the excessive capital letters.) I’ll only focus on grammar and spellings problems. Forget about the sentence structure and contents since I can’t simply change everything you have up there.

 

You can see your own mistakes and know where they go wrong usually, and I've added all the punctuation marks in for you:

 

**Chapter 1: (Corrected & Questioned words in bold)

 

PS:Main Girl’s NickName Is Angel! ^_^ 

Author’sPov

 Angel woke up inHer Room. It wasn’t shabby or rich but simply cuteand cosy!!

"YAH ANGEL WAKE UP YOU’RE GOING TO BE LATE FOR CUBE HIGH- oh I see that you woke up hehe.." said your-annoying-as-hell brother. 

"Yeah yeah whatever Oppa !" said Angel as she stomped her way to the bathroom and tripped on the way. 

She changed into:

And went to eat her awesome breakfast.

Wait never mind....Scratch that…

More like burnt.

*Angel ate her food quickly!!*

"Bye Mom bye Dad!! Bye Pig face!!!”Angel said.

"Yah respect the King HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" yelled Changmin with bacon in his mouth!

Time passed and she was at the school gate.Well at the Begining of the gate

__________________________________________________________________-

On the banner It said:

WELCOME TO CUBE HIGH!

Angel soon got her schedule and found her class.

(As a beauty she was). When she walked in the boys stopped talking and girls stopped flirting and the teacher stopped making out with the Lunch lady.

"Hi I’m Angel! I’m a new student at C.U.B.E High!! "Angel smiled brightly as the sun shone down on her!

"Well Angel I am your teacher Mr.Kim (Jaejoong)!" Said Mr.Kim

"Now please go sit next to Chunji(.) Please raise your hand Chunji" Mr.Kim said(.)

Angel walked to the table(.) Here was the seating arrangement:

                            Dongho                 Angel           Chunji

                             Chanjo               Hyungjoong    Kimbum (From Boys over Flowers)

L.joe                           CAP                    NIEL       Ricky

 Yosoeb   Gikwang       Doojoon  Junhyung     

 "Angel Please answer this equation from me please(.)" Said Mr.Kim(.)

The class felt worry for Angel because the problem was super hard(.)

"L.-

 

 

*Chapter 2

 

Chapter 2 -

____________________________________________________________________

Recaps : "L-"

Author’sPOV

"Let me do it!" Chunji cried.

"No(,)Angel has to do it! " Mr.Kim growled(.)

But Mr.Kim was so distracted Angel finishedit before heeven knewit!

"Mr.Kim I'm finished.." Said Angel(.)

"oh.. Yes..You may be dismissedto your seat(.)" Said Mr.Kim(.)

As Mr.KIm checkedit he was so shock that it was correct(.)By then the bell went..

 

 

KRING KRING

KRIING!

Angel was the last to leave so before she went out the classroom

she saw  a bright pink hair guypeepedout behind her so sheJust pokedhis hair(.)

"Yah Wake the hell up Pinky it’slunch now"  Yelled Angel(.)

"Mmm...Shut the hell up whoeveryou are~" Said sleepy pinky L.joe(.)

"Aish This bastard is really a..." ThoughtAngel(.)

"Whateverjust wake up it’slunch! " Yelled Angel(.)

"Fine..." Said L.Joe

 

 

 

 

___________________________________________________________

*Skips All that awkwardnessand on ward to the Lunch room!*

Being a new girl isn’teasy for Angel you know~

Anyways(,)Angel got her food and lookedaround and all she saw wereyour-

Jock Guys

Cheerleaders

Queenkas and Kingkas

Nerds

Goth

(And All that )?

And Angel isn’t one of those peopleso she decidedto eat outside

until2 girls poppeddout First

 Amber’sHead.....

                         Then IU ..
 

                "HI!! Wanna be friends?? " Said both of them(.)

"Sure! " Yelled AngelHappilyAngelbecause (she friends with THE F(x) Amber and The CD like voice IU) ?

They exchangedphone numbers and laughas time flewby(.)

Everythingseemedpeaceful on this side_

___________________________________

On the other side

Punches were being thrown (and Cussing will be flying Well what is Boys and girls?) ?

 

  THE BAD PART

 

          OF TOWN     

 This Week we have Fighting!

MBLAQ

VS

BEAST

Let it begin~

___________

"ing watch your back JUNHYUNG(… )MORE LIKE HYUNG !!" Yelled the hairy beast GO(.)

"SHUT THE ING UP AND HAVE SOME RESPECT FOR YOUR SUNBAE(.)" Yelled Junhyung as (he gave Go and Thunder Both Slaps

As the beating continue And as it ended) ?

MBLAQ:0

BEAST:1

MBLAQ ended up in wounds and broken bones but as for Beast? Psh not even  a bruise in sight(.)

 

**Remember:

-Put ‘FULL STOPS’ (.) at the end of EACH sentence, and only separate sentences or fragments with commas. (,).

-Capital letters ONLY at the start of a sentence, and for specific nouns/names.

-Insert paragraphs where they’re SUITABLE only. ONE paragraph explains a point made.

-Cut back on your colourings and styling of the story!

 

 

>>Total: 8/35<<

 

*.:｡✿*ﾟ‘ﾟ･✿.｡.:**.:｡✿*ﾟ’ﾟ･✿.｡.:* *.:｡✿*ﾟ¨ﾟ✎･✿.｡.:**.:｡✿*ﾟ¨ﾟ✎･

 

 

●Bonus- 1.5/5

 

I don’t know... although it does sound kind of attractive at first with all the pictures and everything, I can’t even understand anything half of the time and that’s what cut back on my enjoyment of the story…

>>>TOTAL: 40%<<<

(out of 95 marks)

 

D3

 

 

 

Really, you shouldn’t be disappointed or anything because English isn’t your first language after all. But that doesn’t give an excuse you know! When I first got into writing I was really crappy as well~ (English isn’t my 1^st language either), but really, reading others’ stunning works really inspired me to work even harder. Don’t give up easily just because of this score. Use this as a motivation and you’ll be able to write really good too one day. Hwaiting! <3